Stressed!

by Deborah Martin

  So, something had gone haywire with Andy’s incarceration and rehabilitation. A quick Internet search showed me that he’d “died of a heart attack.” The scriptwriters on his movie were scrambling to change the storyline. Multiple sites were bemoaning the loss of such a young and talented life. Youngsters’ blogs were crying. John was quoted as being devastated at the loss of one of his favorite clients. Honestly? I was relieved. Regardless of the assurances I’d been given, I still had a lingering feeling of wariness.

  The Vampire Council sure worked fast. It would have taken weeks to get an estate set up in the mundane world. I hollered at Ev over the intercom that I was going to the bank and would be back in about ten minutes. I wanted to get that money into my account before anyone changed their minds. I had a deposit to make for the company, anyways.

  My bike ride after work was glorious. It was a work day which meant the paths weren’t crowded, and the cooler weather had emptied the beaches of all but a few hearty souls. I felt totally recharged when I got home and didn’t even take a nap. Fudge was not happy until I sat down at the computer. He assumed his supervisory position and was quite pleased when I decided to have a quick tuna salad for dinner, writing between bites. He didn’t have to move too far to share!

  Happy strolled into the office mid-afternoon on Thursday with a shit-eating grin on his face. Crap. I’d forgotten all about him!

  “Good afternoon, Amy,” he greeted me with a smile. I smiled back.

  “Hi, Happy. What brings you to our little corner of the world?”

  “Oh, I just thought I’d share some interesting information with you two. Is Ev around?”

  I buzzed Ev on the intercom, told him who was waiting to see him and after his audible gulp, ushered Happy into his office.

  “I found out some very interesting information last night,” Happy began. “It seems no one has heard that the two of you are married. I also notice Amy is not wearing her stunning wedding ring today. Have you been keeping it a secret from the world, or can it be that you are trying to fool me?”

  Son. Of. A. Bitch. I could see from the look on Ev’s face that he had the exact same thought.

  “OK, we’re not married,” Ev confessed. “I am quite content with my lifestyle and the women I am currently seeing. I truly didn’t want you trying to fix me up again. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  “I assumed that was your intention and am not mad at you,” Happy said. “Nor do I have any women in mind for you at the moment. I do, however, have the most wonderful man I’d like to introduce to Amy. I believe you would get on famously,” he looked at me with a leer.

  After the prior week, dating was the last thing on my mind. “I, too, am quite happy with my life at the moment. I have all sorts of opportunities and am not interested in dating right now.”

  “Ah, but I believe you just have not met the right man. Please, allow me to at least introduce you over cocktails this evening. I promise there will be no strings. I will send a car to your apartment at six. Will that be convenient?”

  I looked over at Ev. He just shrugged his shoulders.

  “If I meet this person and say I’m not interested, will you leave me alone after that?” I asked.

  “I can promise nothing. I love to see people happily married and if I meet someone I think might be a suitable match for you, I would consider myself remiss if I did not at least make the introduction. Please, say yes to this evening.”

  “Hell, why not. Otherwise you’d probably just show up tomorrow, the day after that and the day after that, until I caved. However, cocktails only and then I’m heading home. Believe it or not, I do have things to do.”

  Happy smiled. “Six, then. My car will be out front of your building.” With that, he left the office.

  “I am going to kill you, Ev!” I screamed after Happy had left. “Now he’s not only on your case, he’s on mine! And how the hell does he know where I live?”

  “I’m sorry, Amy, I really am,” Ev had turned a dull shade of red. This was an indication that he was sad. “If I knew of a way for both of us to get him out of our lives, believe me, I’d be acting on it yesterday. As for how he knows where you live, I told you he’s well-connected. It probably only took him a couple of phone calls or whatever he does to find that out.”

  “Well, since I have to get ready for tonight, I’m leaving now. I suggest you start working on how to get this creep out of my life. I don’t need anyone trying to fix me up with anybody, remember?”

  With that, I stormed back into my office, shut down the computer, grabbed my purse and made sure to slam the door on my way out. I covered the two blocks back to my apartment in what would have been record time, except I was slamming my feet with every step and managed to break a heel off one of my shoes. Great. One more log on my fire of ire.

  I still had a couple of hours and getting ready wouldn’t take that long, so after checking my email (the only thing of interest was a congratulatory note from my publisher on making the top-ten list of e-book downloads on Amazon the previous week), I turned on the television to try to distract myself.

  That was a mistake. Afternoon television isn’t the most interesting. I’ve never gotten into soaps, the news is always depressing, and the weather channel was alternating between talking about our nice weather and the hurricane that was bearing down on the Gulf States. Not exactly cheery. You’d think with over 500 channels (according to my cable service) I’d be able to find something distracting, but no.

  So, I turned back to the computer and played mahjong until I had to get ready. I could easily distract myself for hours with that game but the little clock down in the corner of the computer screen reminded me that time was ticking away until doomsday – or at least doomshour.

  Instead of dressing up, I chose the blandest, most severe business suit I had in my sparse closet, pulled my hair back into a barrette and applied minimal makeup. I wasn’t out to impress anyone. Promptly at six, a stretch limo pulled up outside and a gnome (how did he see over the steering wheel or reach the pedals?) tromped down my stairs and knocked on my door. He was dressed in what may have been eighteenth century livery … breeches, tailcoat and top hat. I tried not to laugh at the sight. Just one more indication that Happy really wasn’t living in the 21st century.

  “Miss Amy, Mr. Happy has asked me to collect you,” he squeaked.

  I grabbed my purse, locked the door behind me and said, “Let’s go.” I felt like I was going to someone’s funeral – mine.

  The gnome opened the passenger door with the remote and after I slid in, closed it from the bottom of the door – which was all he could reach. I could see him through the privacy glass and he could indeed see out the window, although I couldn’t see how. Did he grow when he got into the car?

  Ten minutes later, he dropped me off at one of the new tapas-and-martini bars that had sprung up all over town. I walked inside, saw Happy sitting with another man and threaded my way through the yuppie crowd to their table. Both men stood as I walked up and Happy helped me with my chair. While I don’t mind being treated like a lady, this just got on my nerves. I sat and faced a man who was less than six feet tall, with thinning brown hair and dull brown eyes. There wasn’t even any eye candy to look at.

  “Amy McCollum, may I introduce James Arthur. Jim, this is Amy,” Happy beamed at both of us. “Amy, may I order you a cocktail?”

  I said I’d like a glass of merlot, which Happy relayed to the waiter who had mysteriously appeared at the table. I wondered how much money (or something else) Happy flung around to get that kind of attention in a crowded bar. We waited politely for my drink to arrive, which was almost immediate, and Happy continued, “Amy, Jim owns a computer consulting company. I thought you might like to know someone in that line just in case you required service of that type at the office. Jim, Amy, although an administrative assistant, really runs a personal security firm. If your firm keeps on growing the way it has been, you may need a bodyguard at some point!�
�

  I don’t remember a lot of the conversation. I probably said something to the effect that I was pretty handy with computers and Jim probably laughed off Happy’s suggestion that he’d need a bodyguard. It was obvious neither of us was delighted to be there. I’m sure Jim is a nice guy but when Happy turned the conversation to personal interests, we soon discovered we didn’t share a single one. Jim was into action … he skydived, snow- and water-skied, ran his jet ski all over Lake Minnetonka in the summer and was assistant coach for a Pop Warner team. I preferred reading, museums and the theater.

  Just as conversation was starting to lag, Jim’s cell phone rang. He spoke in almost a monotone, his side of the conversation consisting of mostly ‘yes’ or ‘of course’. Three minutes later he flipped it closed, looked at both of us and said, “My apologies but a client’s system has crashed. The tech assigned to the account is out sick and I’m the only other person familiar with this company. I have to leave to straighten out the problem.”

  “I should be going, too,” I said as I stood with him. “Happy, there’s no need for your driver to take me home. I have some errands to run on the way so I’ll take a taxi.”

  “Perhaps we’re going in the same direction,” Jim said. “If so, I’d be happy to drop you somewhere. My car is in the lot.” We compared notes and he could indeed drop me at the grocery store a couple of blocks away from home on his way to the interstate.

  “Happy, thank you for the drink,” I said.

  “And the introduction,” added Jim.

  With that, we made our way outside, Happy watching us leave with a not-too-pleased look on his face.

  On the way to the car, Jim asked, “How’d Happy get his hooks into you?”

  “Long story, but through my boss,” I replied. “I’m going to kill him for getting me into this. You?”

  “Same thing. My former boss is stuck with him, too, and when she wouldn’t succumb to any of his matchmaking, he turned on me. I’m truly sorry for tonight but honestly, if any computer issues come up, give me a call, OK?”

  I took his card as I climbed out of the car.

  “Thanks for the ride. I’ll call if I need anything.” I was glad that encounter was over.

  I didn’t need any groceries – that was an excuse not to see the gnome again or be beholden to Happy for anything I didn’t have to. But to make things look good, I went into the store and grabbed the makings for a salad.

  Chapter 11

  The next morning, Ev asked me how it went.

  “Grade-A fail,” I told him. “Happy apparently doesn’t have the same eye for men for me as he does women for you. Although I seriously doubt it, it would be nice if he learned a lesson and left me alone.”

  “He’ll keep trying. With each meeting he’ll learn more about you and try to find Mr. Right. At least that’s what he’s been doing with me. Really, I am trying to think of a way to get him out of our lives. I just haven’t come up with anything.”

  The next couple of months went smoothly. No phone calls from Happy but I assumed it would be just a matter of time before the fix-up began again. I got the next book completely drafted and started on the editing.

  Ev managed to find three more wizards and brought them into the fold as guards, immediately assigning them to jobs. I had to work longer hours to keep up with everything. It had reached the point that I had to drop hints about needing some help. But I should have known better than to be subtle. Ev may have been an ogre but he was a typical man. He either didn’t get hints, or ignored them. The situation finally came to a head one afternoon when I was trying to finish the books for the accountant, type up a couple new contracts, answer the phone every fifteen seconds (it seemed) and put the preparations for Ev’s Halloween party to bed.

  “Ev, get your butt out here,” I screamed.

  He poked his head out his office door and with a look of consternation on his face, said, “What?”

  “I’ve been hinting for some time that I need some help around here and this is the last straw. Either we hire someone to at least answer the phone or you do your own party planning. I know you really haven’t noticed, but I’ve been working ten hour days trying to keep up with everything and I’m drowning.”

  “Can we afford someone?” he asked.

  “If we couldn’t, I wouldn’t have suggested it.” Sarcasm laced my voice.

  “Well, if we can afford someone, I’ll leave it up to you. Was that all?”

  All, he said. The man really was clueless, or possibly blind at times. I’d gotten his permission to hire help. Now all I had to do was find the time to do the hiring!

  That night over a glass (or three) of wine, I placed an ad in the paper. It was worded almost identically to the one I’d answered all those years ago, except I only wanted someone part time. That way, we didn’t have to offer much in the way of benefits. I used my blind Gmail account to receive the resumes.

  After running a week, the ad garnered three whole resumes. I’d have thought in today’s economy that any job was better than no job, but there you have it. Only one of the three was remotely interesting so I set up an in-person interview for the next day. I’ll admit, I was desperate.

  Sally walked into the office promptly at one. If I wasn’t secure in my own skin, I would have been intimidated. Put some armor on her, add a sword and a flying horse and she could have been a Valkyrie. Something over six feet tall, blonde hair, blue eyes with that Nordic Ice Queen look. An expensive silk suit, a rock for an engagement ring and what appeared to be real gemstones in her earrings and necklace had me really curious.

  I won’t bore you with the standard interview questions and answers, with the exception of her reply to my, “Why are you interested in a part time job?”

  “My husband travels quite a bit for business and I’m bored with both sitting at home and the social rounds. I was his secretary before we married and remembered all the interesting people who came into his office. I have no need to work but thought with a part time job, I’d get out of the house and meet different people.”

  Well, she’d certainly meet interesting people here! I asked about dealing with non-humans. She laughed. “My husband is an investment banker and a wizard, I might add. He doesn’t discriminate who he raises money for, as long as the project is sound and he gets his percentage. I think I’ve worked with just about every non-human species there is. They don’t bother me.”

  At that point, Ev came in from lunch and I introduced them. Sally wrinkled her nose as she shook hands with him and after he’d disappeared into his office, said to me, “Now I understand the scented candles. I thought it was a little unusual for a business office but I just met the explanation.”

  We talked a little further; mostly I was trying to figure out if our personalities would mesh. I finally decided they would and made her an offer.

  “Whatever you offered, I would have accepted,” she said. “This looks like an intriguing place to work.”

  It was my turn to laugh, “I promise, no two days are alike and Ev throws a wrench into the works at least once a day. When can you start?”

  Although her answer was ‘immediately’, I wanted to get the office set up for two clerical types so we agreed she’d start a week later. After she left, I met with Ev about rearranging offices and purchasing new furniture. He was deep in thought about something and answered me again with, “I’ll leave it up to you.” It’s a good thing I was honest. I could have absconded with the company and he probably wouldn’t have noticed anything but my absence.

  It took some doing but I got two of the dwarf guards to come into the office and help me rearrange everything, moving Ev’s personal crap into his basement (where it should have been in the first place) and taking that second office for my own. I found some used furniture that matched the rest of what we already had. Saturday saw me moving files around and by Tuesday, I was ready when Sally walked in at noon.

  I greeted her with, “C’mon, I want to introduce you to
your source of good drinks and great food.” I took her downstairs, introduced her to Cassandra, Tommy and Charlie and got her a glass of iced tea in a recyclable glass. “Cassandra takes care of us. I know you’re only working part time but if you get the munchies and nothing in our cupboards suits, just call down. She’ll send one of the guys up with whatever you want.”

  “Nice arrangement. I wish I’d had something like that when I was working before. It would have made life so much easier!”

  We spent the afternoon going over what was expected of her, how I did certain things and brought her up to speed on both employees and clients. She, like me, was a mundane who wasn’t fazed by out-of-the ordinary folks. After an afternoon of Ev’s breezing in and out past her desk, she even made suggestions as to candle brands. I told her I’d happily buy anything she thought would make breathing easier so we brought up her favorite company’s website and ordered a couple of cases of candles whose scents we both enjoyed.

  I must admit, having help really made a difference. I hadn’t been able to concentrate enough over the previous couple of months to do real justice to my book; the editing process was showing me that. Once Sally was firmly ensconced, life returned to pretty much normal. Fudge was even happy that we had reestablished our routine.

  I gave Sally and her husband an invitation to Ev’s Halloween party. Two more people weren’t going to break the bank and it was an easy way to introduce her to a different side of social glitz.

  Ev was between steady girlfriends so as usual when that was the case, it fell to me to play hostess. I stood at his side at the door, greeting the costumed guests as they arrived, taking their coats then directing them to the bar and buffet. Sally and Jack arrived, dressed as Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall – in their bedtime attire. I thought it was clever. Much cleverer than Ev’s idea of a costume: he painted his face, hands and legs green, changed to a vest and breeches and announced he was Shrek. (Ev didn’t think to use theatrical makeup – he used food coloring. He was green-tinged puce for two weeks. A really awful color.)