Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  I watched as Carmen laid across our bed and I rolled my eyes. Some days, I couldn’t stand her. Other days, I couldn’t stand to be away from her. It was like the worse things were between Carmen and I, the better things were between Alayziah and I, but the better things got between Carmen and I, the worst things got between Alayziah and I. Carmen was going hard for a nigga ever since I broke it off with her. She stopped going to her dad’s church, stopped being around them as much, and started spending all of her time with me and her kids. I couldn’t deny her of me when she was genuinely trying to change and do right, but Alayziah had been down for me at my worst time. Now that I had moved in with Carmen, she was really pushing a nigga to get married. I didn’t want to because once I made that commitment to Carmen, things were going to be over with me and Alayziah. Call me selfish, but I wanted them both and I didn’t plan on letting Alayziah go no time soon.

  Carmen sat up in the bed and smiled at me.

  “What’s got you all happy?” I asked her. I knew the dick was good but that wasn’t nothing new.

  “Well… I’m just glad that you finally decided to move in and we can be a real family now. Now that your court stuff is over and you’ve gotten us both new cars… I just feel like we’re moving in the right direction.”

  I nodded in agreement.

  “I’ve done all that you’ve asked me to, Alex. You need to choose. If you want me then you need to commit to me. We need to get married today and you need to end whatever it is you have going on with Alayziah.”

  “We’re just friends.”

  “Whatever. You need to choose.”

  “I don’t appreciate you giving me no ultimatum.”

  “What do you expect, Alex? We’ve been telling people that we were married a month ago. We don’t have anything to show for it. My daddy is getting suspicious. It took you forever to move in, and now that you’re here, he’s really pushing for us to get married.”

  I sighed heavily. Here we go with this shit.

  “Look, just… wait until my birthday, okay? Give me a couple of weeks to take care of some stuff and then we can get married.”

  “You promise?” she asked, standing and walking towards me.

  “I promise.”

  She fell to her knees and sucked any thoughts of Alayziah clear out of my head.

  Alayziah

  Alex and I were talking less and less, but despite that, today was his birthday and I wanted to do something special for him. He had a fascination with Jacuzzi tubs so I rented us a honeymoon suite at a hotel downtown. I had candles lit with rose petals all over the floor and bed with soft music playing in the background, chocolate covered fruit, wine chilling in the refrigerator, lavender scented massage oil for the full body massage I was going to give him after his soak in the Jacuzzi tub, and his favorite strawberry cake with candles.

  I told him to be here at seven. Now, at eight, I was starting to get frustrated, not with him, but with myself because I should have known he wasn’t going to do right. Adele’s “One and Only” was playing in the background as I did something that I knew I shouldn’t have done – checked their Facebook pages. He unfriended me, but I wasn’t blocked. I could still see everything. He posted two hours ago about how special his wife was making him feel on his birthday. She posted a picture of him with her kids an hour ago. I was tired of getting played, tired of being hurt, and tired of being pissed. So I stood and took pictures of everything in the room to send them to him via text.

  Me: You know what, nigga? I’m so done with your lying ass. I spent all this money and time trying to do something for you on your birthday and you couldn’t even respect and appreciate me enough to say you couldn’t make it. All you had to do was say you had plans and I would have canceled the shit or rescheduled instead. Now I’m here. Alone. But that’s alright. I’ll call my ex and have him to enjoy this with me.

  Ex-Factor: I didn’t know she was doing this shit Al. It was a surprise. What was I supposed to do? Tell her I had to leave because you had something planned for me?

  Me: Fuck you, nigga. Delete my number. Oh yeah… happy birthday.

  Ex-Factor: That’s what this is about? You mad at me because you want some dick? I’ll be there in a few. Text me the room information.

  Me: No. Stop texting me.

  Ex-Factor: Stop texting you? First, you was mad because you wasn’t hearing from me. Now I’m texting you and telling you I’m on my way and you got an attitude? You crazy mane.

  Me: I’m crazy? Why am I always crazy, Alex? Because you don’t know how to communicate? You always lying to me and leading me on. You always hurting my heart and you don’t even care. You put me in these crazy situations and then you get mad when I react crazily. Just leave me the hell alone. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than you.

  Ex-Factor: SO YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE? YOU’RE MY WOMAN. SEND ME THE ROOM INFORMATION ALAYZIAH.

  Throwing my phone on the bed, I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. His ass was so full of shit and I knew I was a fool to love him and want him, but what could I say? I loved that nigga and love will have you doing some crazy things. I knew I told him I was going to have another nigga to come by but I wasn’t. I was too loyal for that. I wanted no one but him and he knew that. He didn’t even take my threats seriously anymore. He knew I wasn’t going anywhere and I hated that he knew the power he had over me. My phone started to ring and it was him. I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t be a hypocrite because I hated when he did that to me so I went back into the room and answered.

  “Hello?”

  “So, you not gone give me the room information?”

  “Why should I? You haven’t cared up until this point. Why start now?”

  “Alayziah, you knew my situation when you started messing with me. What did you expect? I can’t just drop everything for you sometimes like you want me to, but I’m doing the best that I can. Her kids are like my kids. This is my family. I can’t just drop them and lay up with you. I wish I could but I can’t.”

  “That’s bullshit, Alex. I didn’t know your situation when I started messing with you because you lied! You told me that you were done with her! So, if y’all aren’t in a relationship, why the fuck are you with her now?!”

  “I’ma need you to lower your voice and stop yelling at me. What hotel are you at, Alayziah?”

  “I don’t want you here, Alexander,” I said softly with tears filling my eyes. I was so weak for him and because of that, I felt so stupid and insecure.

  “Why not, baby?”

  For a moment, he almost sounded like the sweet man I’d fallen in love with. Sitting on the bed, I sighed into the phone as I wiped tears from my eyes.

  “Are you crying, Al? Baby…”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “Just… enjoy your birthday, Alex. I’m sorry to have interrupted your family time. I love you, bye.” I hung up as he called my name. Standing, I went to the closet and grabbed my bags as my phone sounded off again. Shaking my head, I put him on speakerphone as I packed my clothes up. “Yeah?”

  “Will you just tell me where you are so I can make you feel better?”

  “I don’t need you to make me feel better, Alex. I need you to do better. Can you do that?”

  I stopped packing and looked at the phone as if I could see him. He was quiet for a second before breathing deeply.

  By now, I’d slid down the wall and my face was saturated with tears. His voice sounded as soft as cream. It always did something to me. He sang to me on my voicemail for my birthday, I’d saved it, and I played it at least once a week. He always got the best of me when he sang. There was a power in his voice that captivated me, drew me in and made me believe in whatever he was singing about.

  “Is that still how you feel about me, baby?” he asked again.

  “Yes, Alex.”

  “Then… tell me… where… you are.”

  “Peabody Hotel.”

  “Damn. You really went all out for
you boy, huh?”

  “Yeeees, Alex,” I whined. My heart was hurting terribly.

  “I’m sorry, Noelle. I love you.”

  I hated when he called me by my middle name. No one else called me that and he knew it. Every time he called me that, I got weaker for him like I was his and his alone. The way he said it made me question if anyone had ever said my name before. He looked at me in a way that made me question if I’d ever been seen before. He made love to me in a way that made me feel like I’d never been loved before. Damn. I’d fallen in love with another woman’s man and I did not intend to let him go.

  “I love you, too, Alex.”

  “Text me the room number or is a key waiting for me at the front desk?”

  “It is.”

  “I’m in the car. Be there in about twenty minutes.”

  “Okay, Alex.”

  “Noelle…”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you.”

  Alexander

  I fucked up again. Alayziah had been telling me that she had something special planned for me for my birthday for weeks and I was genuinely looked forward to it. She was so excited because I’d gone all out for her birthday a couple of months earlier and her competitive ass wanted to one up me, but when I woke up this morning, Carmen had the kids to bring me breakfast in bed and I’d been enjoying my day with them ever since. I was making my situation even harder to get out of by continuing to spend time with Carmen and her kids but I’d gotten used to us being a family.

  Alayziah tripped all the time about not being able to compete with what I had with Carmen because she knew how much I wanted kids and a family and she couldn’t give me that. I tried to convince her that she didn’t have to compete. She gave me things that Carmen couldn’t, but she didn’t want to hear that shit and I guess I could understand that because I spent all of my time with them.

  To be honest, I was getting sick of having this same conversation repeatedly. I’d been ignoring Alayziah’s phone calls and text messages a lot lately simply because I didn’t like to fight with her. The reason I fell for her so hard, in the beginning, was because she was my place of peace, but if I was going to be arguing with a woman, I might as well have stayed with Carmen. Yeah, I knew she hated to be ignored and I shouldn’t have did the shit, but she just irritated the fuck out of me with her feelings and shit. She always wanted me to reassure her that Carmen and I were over and that we weren’t having sex. She wanted me to say that I didn’t want to be with her anymore and that we weren’t really married. I hated lying to her, but I didn’t want to lose her, especially when she did shit like this.

  I walked in the room a couple of hours later than I told Alayziah I was. Carmen gave me the hardest time when I tried to leave. I think she knew I was coming to see Al and that was why her ass put up such a fight when I tried to leave.

  Alayziah had consumed the entire bottle of wine that was for the both of us. The candles she had lit had burned out and she was knocked out in the middle of the bed. I felt like shit. I didn’t mean to keep hurting her, but I just couldn’t seem to get it right. Not wanting to argue with her, I just stripped, got in the bed, took her into my arms, and held her until I fell asleep.

  Alayziah

  “He did what?” my best friend, Marcel, yelled.

  We were sitting across from each other at The Republic Coffee House and I should have known not to tell him about Alex while we were in public. In the beginning, he loved Alex because he thought Alex loved me, but the more I let him in on what was going on with us, the more he started to hate him.

  “See, that’s why there are so many fucked up women in the head now. Because niggas like him do shit like this. Mane, I wish a woman would do some sweet shit like that for me. I’d wife her ass immediately, but nah, niggas like him get that kind of treatment and fuck it up for the next nigga when they don’t appreciate it. Mane, show me where this nigga live. I’ll beat some sense into his stupid ass.”

  I shook my head and laughed at my crazy best friend. Really, he was the only friend I had. People thought we were more than that but we never crossed that line because I dated his cousin a while back. That was how we met.

  “Marcel…”

  “Nah, Love, I’m for real. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You are too good of a woman. You deserve better, baby.”

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, I sighed heavily. In my mind, he was right but my heart wasn’t trying to hear that.

  “I know, Marcel. I’m just trying to wait it out. He told me that in a month once he went to court for the last time he was going to end things with her and get serious about us. If things don’t change by then, I’m going to end it.”

  “You promise?”

  “I promise.”

  “Cool. Now… let me tell you this hoe ex of mine did. Would you believe she came to the church telling folks I gave her an STD?”

  Alexander

  When Alayziah and I first started talking, I had the craziest dream. I dreamed that I was bungee jumping and something went wrong. I was in a coma. She was the only person there with me. Carmen wasn’t there. My parents weren’t there. Her parents weren’t there. The only person that was there for me was Alayziah. When I woke up from my coma, I looked at her and she grabbed my hand. I was so surprised to see her there and she said to me, “I’ll always be here for you.”

  I believed her. Maybe that was why I started to feel so comfortable around her after I had that dream. Now, I was sitting in the hospital alone and I wanted her here with me, but that wasn’t possible. I’d been having some health issues lately. I’d been tired a lot and having some crazy migraines. I hadn’t been able to eat or sleep and the shit had really been fucking with me. It had been killing me on Sundays with all of the music surrounding me. The only person I told about it was Alayziah and she told me to see about myself, but of course, I didn’t listen until it was too late. I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I decided to make myself an appointment.

  I shouldn’t have called her because she wouldn’t be able to come up here and I knew she’d worry, but I just had to hear her voice. I pulled out my phone and called and hoped she didn’t answer. I’d settle for listening to her voicemail.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  “Hey.”

  “…Hey.”

  “How are you?”

  “I’m good, how are you?”

  “Listen… I know I haven’t been talking to you much lately…”

  “It’s cool, Alex. What’s up?”

  “I’m in the hospital.”

  “What? For what? Are you okay? What hospital? Who’s there with you? Is Carmen there? Do you need me to come up there with you?”

  I cracked a slight smile. “The migraines. I’m sure I’ll be okay. I just… wanted to hear your voice. You know you bring me peace. I called Carmen. She’s on her way up here.”

  She went silent.

  “Al?”

  “Call me when you leave and let me know what they say.”

  “Okay.”

  She hung up. It was selfish to put that weight on her, but it eased my mind now that I had told her what was going on with me.

  Alayziah

  “I don’t even know why he called me knowing I wasn’t going to be able to be with him. Now I’m going to drive myself crazy worrying about him especially since I know about the dream he had. What if it’s something serious? What if something happens to him and I’m not there for him?” I was standing outside of my job, pacing back and forth, and yapping Marcel’s ear off. He always seemed to have a way to ease my mind.

  “Relax, Love. I’m sure he’s going to be okay. He probably just needed to hear your voice and for you to tell him that everything was going to be okay. You know that’s what you are to him. Someone he vents to when he’s going through shit. Someone that encourages him and lifts him up. He knew what his ass was doing.”

  “I couldn’t even do that this time. I just told him to call me and tell me what
happened after he left. I’m just so drained emotionally. I want nothing more than to be there with him, holding his hand, supporting him, and to know that at a time when he needs me most, I can’t be there for him…”

  “So, what you want to do? Go up there? I’ll go with you. You know I’ll knock him and his bitch out for you if need be.”

  I smiled. “No, crazy. I’m just going to go home for the rest of the day. I won’t be able to function right until I hear from him and know that he’s okay.”

  “Well, alright. Call me if you need me. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  When I ended the call, I noticed I had a text from Alex. I smiled at his name in my phone. Swear I changed it every day depending on how he had me feeling.

  Honey: Why am I at the hospital horny thinking about you?

  Me: Well it’s good to see you’re okay physically hehe.

  Honey: Lol yeah I’m straight baby. They’re giving me a prescription and hoping these migraines don’t affect my vision.

  Me: Good! I was worried sick about you. I was about to leave work.

  Honey: Whatever. You didn’t care about me. You just wanted to use me as an excuse to leave work early lol.

  Me: -_- Whatever nigga. I was worried about you. You know I care about you. But I’m about to go back in so I’ll talk to you later.

  Honey: Or you can stop by the house and give me some pussy.

  Me: Where is Carmen? Why don’t you get some from her?

  Honey: Alayziah I want your pussy. My pussy. You’re the best I ever had. I don’t want nobody else’s but yours.

  Me: You sure you up for that?

  Honey: HELL YEAH

  Alexander

  When I walked down those stairs and saw Alayziah walk through the door, my eyes lit up, literally. I missed her so much. I was so happy to see her. I immediately took her into my arms and couldn’t help but laugh as she looked at me skeptically.