Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  “I missed you,” I spoke almost dragging her up the stairs.

  She didn’t answer me back. She was getting tired of my shit, but I didn’t care. I loved her, she wasn’t going anywhere, and I was about to get her pregnant to make sure of that.

  “Aye, why the hell you got this little ass dress on?” I asked her.

  She started working at this office and she was always wearing some tight dresses or leggings showing off all of my assets.

  “Why? I’m single. I can wear what I want.”

  “That’s what you think,” I said, pulling her onto my lap and kissing on her neck. “You’re mine, Alayziah. I don’t want no other niggas looking at you.”

  She looked at me like I was crazy and laughed. “You are something else.”

  “Whatever. Don’t wear this shit to work anymore.” I leaned back and took her with me. I kissed her and caressed her for a few seconds before she leaned up and grazed my nipples making my dick jump involuntarily. “I missed you, Alayziah. I want you so bad.” I sat back up and kissed her again, but she pushed me away and sat on the bed.

  “I want you to wear a condom this time.”

  I looked at her ass like she was crazy. I’d been going in raw since the first time. No way in hell I was about to start wearing a condom now.

  “Why, Alayziah?”

  “Because I was taking some antibiotics to keep my allergies from flaring up and I don’t want them to cancel my birth control out. My doctor said that if I was on birth control it would be best to use a second form of protection until the antibiotics were out of my system.”

  “I don’t want to, babe. I want to feel you.”

  “You can feel me with a condom on. I don’t trust you and I’m not buying anymore plan B pills.”

  “I’ll pull out.” I lied.

  “Fine.”

  She was getting tired of buying them and she was tired of taking them. I think it ate at her emotionally. When we first started messing around, we both wanted to have a baby together, but when she found out about Carmen, she started getting them along with the birth control she was already on. Her ass was avoiding my seeds at all costs. I positioned her in the middle of the bed and kissed her deeply while I allowed my hands to roam her body. I removed her panties, went down on her, and started pleasing her with my tongue like I knew she liked. She never could take that shit. She always put up a fight like she hadn’t realized that the harder she fought, the more determined I was to make her come.

  “Okay, stoooppp…” she moaned as I felt her legs begin to shake.

  As she came, I pulled my dick from my boxers and entered her before she could recover.

  “I love you, Alayziah. I missed you. Did you miss me?”

  Finally, she nodded her head yes.

  “Say it,” I commanded, pulling most of my dick out, leaving just the head in.

  “I missed you, Alex.”

  “You love me?” I asked, plunging deep inside of her.

  She tried to keep from moaning, but there was no fighting it now. “Yes, Alex. I love you.”

  Hearing all I needed to hear, I focused on making sure she felt my love for her.

  Alayziah

  He had been sending me flowers all week. I didn’t even know how he found out that I started working a new job to even send me flowers here. Knowing Andrew, he probably knew someone in my office and found out that I was here. I removed him from all of my social media sites after I walked in on him and his… boyfriend, and I hadn’t talked to him since. I can’t lie, there were times when I missed him. I missed things about him I guess I should say. I missed how he used to provide for me, give me security. I missed how he used to cater to me, take me out, and show me off like I was his most prized possession. I missed the way he used to just… stare my body up and down. We never had sex. I thought it was because he was a gentleman with self-control. It was probably because the thought of being with a woman repulsed him as much as the thought of being with a woman repulsed me. Whatever the case, we never took it there and I was glad we didn’t. I didn’t want to waste a number of my body count on him. Since I was bored at work, I decided to call him and see what was up.

  “Hey, Alayziah. What’s up?”

  “You tell me, Drew. What’s up with all the flowers?”

  He chuckled into the phone and I smiled. I really did miss him.

  “I’ve been thinking about you since that day, Alayziah. I really do love you. As much as I can you know? I just… I’m messed up, but I do love you and I miss you.”

  “So, how did you find out where I worked?” I asked, ignoring his confession.

  “Your boss is one of my old college buddies. He was telling me about the baddie he’d just hired and I asked him to show me a picture.”

  I blushed. “Oh.”

  “So, what’s new? You seeing anyone?”

  “Umm…” Alex and I had no titles, so I really didn’t know how to answer him.

  “Umm what, Alayziah? It’s a simple question.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah, you’re seeing someone? Or yeah, it’s a simple question.”

  I smiled again. “Both.”

  “Oh. Is he taking care of you, Alayziah?”

  I shrugged as if he could see me. No matter what I could say negatively about Andrew, one thing I could say about him was that he took his role as a man seriously when it came down to providing for his woman and his family. He was four years older than me with a daughter. He was the boss at this pharmaceutical company and he made a pretty good salary. The entire time we were together, he paid all of his bills and mine. Never once did I ever have to buy anything while I was with him. Whatever I wanted or needed, he took care of it and I’d always appreciated him for that.

  “I mean… not like you, Drew. Everybody ain’t able,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. If anything, I was taking care of Alex, but I wouldn’t dare tell Drew that.

  “If he can’t take care of you, he doesn’t deserve you, Alayziah.”

  “Drew… what do you want exactly?”

  “I want you, Alayziah. I miss you. I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until I lost you. I know you might not want to be with me and I honestly couldn’t take you rejecting me so you don’t even have to answer. I just… want to be a part of your life. Can I be a part of your life, Alayziah?”

  Tapping my pen on my desk lightly, I thought about it. I didn’t see anything wrong with us being friends. The feelings that I’d had for him had withered away. I just didn’t need him trying to move in on me.

  “If you promise to only keep it on a friendship level that’s cool.”

  “Really? Great. Okay. Cool. Are you going to church this Sunday?”

  “Nah.” I hadn’t been to church since I saw Alex and Carmen there together a while ago.

  “Well… would you like to come to church with me? You know I won’t be able to sit with you the whole service because I’ll be playing but I’d love to have you there.”

  “Yes. I’d like that. I need to go to church. It has definitely been a while.”

  “Cool. Can I pick you up around nine? Let’s have breakfast before service. I don’t need you bitching after service because you’re hungry.”

  “Whatever. I am not that bad.”

  “Girl, whatever, you are straight up evil when you’re hungry.”

  I shook my head and laughed lightly as I sat back in my chair and continued our conversation.

  *

  When I walked into the church with Drew and saw Alex sitting in the choir stand, my feet just… stopped moving. Drew realized I was no longer by his side and he turned around to face me.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked as Alex stood.

  Alex hadn’t begun to make his way to me yet and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to.

  “Nothing,” I lied. I hadn’t talked to Alex all week and I wasn’t expecting to see him, not today, not here. This wasn’t even the church that he normally played at.

&nbs
p; “What is he doing here?” I asked as Alex finally started to walk towards us.

  “Who? Alex? He’s playing second piano under me this morning. How do you know him?”

  “I… we talk.”

  “Y’all talk? Alayziah, that nigga is married.”

  “No, he’s not. That’s a lie.”

  “You believe that?”

  Before I could answer, Alex was standing in front of us.

  “Where do I need to sit?” I asked Drew, ignoring Alex’s presence.

  “Anywhere. I’d prefer it if you sat up close so I could look at you.”

  “So, you gone act like you don’t see me standing here?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah, pretty much.” I tried to walk away, but he grabbed my arm.

  “Can I just talk to you for a minute?” he asked.

  I looked at Drew, and when he got the hint that I wanted him to leave, he walked away.

  “What Alex?”

  “I miss you.”

  “You don’t have to miss me. What’s stopping you from talking to me and seeing me Alex?”

  He looked at me as he ran his hand over the waves in his head. “I’m sorry Al.”

  “You’re always sorry Alex. You don’t care about me and my feelings.”

  “I do care.”

  “Yeah, you care. You just don’t care like I care and that hurts. You care more about her than me, and that’s cool. I’ve accepted that I’m not a priority in your life. I’m just the one you call when something is wrong or when you need some sex.”

  “Alayziah, you know that’s not true, baby.”

  “Yes, it is, Alex, and that’s cool. Just let me go. Leave me alone.”

  Before he could reply, I walked towards the front of the church and found a seat. As service progressed, I actually started to relax and enjoy the atmosphere. When I saw a woman that resembled Carmen come and sit next to me with a baby bump, the walls of the church seemed as if they were about to close in on me. My ears started ringing, my chest tightened, and my hands started sweating. I didn’t even want to look at her and confirm that it was her, but the sadness in Andrew’s eyes and the fear in Alex’s let me know that it was her.

  “Bitch, I’m four months pregnant. Alex and I are married. Stay the hell away from my husband.”

  I chuckled lightly. “That’s funny. I’ve been messing with Alex for eight months and the whole time he’s been telling me that he was done with you. Obviously, that was a lie. That’s cool, though, but I’m gone tell you straight up… I see that you’re pregnant… but that baby ain’t in your face. Disrespect me again and I’m gone beat the shit out of you.”

  I stood and tried to walk away, but she put her foot out and tried to trip me. I lost it. This bitch was the reason I couldn’t have the only man I ever really loved. She didn’t respect and appreciate him and now that I was giving what she lacked she wanted to fuck around and get pregnant and trap him? I fucking lost it in church and all. I punched the shit out of her ass before a man who was sitting on the same pew picked me up and carried me out of the church. I saw Carmen trying to run after me, but someone grabbed her as well, and carried her in the opposite direction. Drew and Alex rushed outside as I bawled my eyes out. I was pacing in front of the church by the time they both made it outside. Alex made it to me first and I punched his ass, too.

  “Why didn’t you tell me she was pregnant? Why couldn’t you be honest, nigga? All you had to do was tell the truth! Why would you take advantage of my trust and lie to me? Now I have to deal with this bullshit because I’ve fallen in love with you. Why did you lie, Alex?” I yelled.

  He just stood there with his head hanging in shame.

  “Answer me!” I yelled, slapping his ass.

  “Mane, Al, you just… started acting crazy. I didn’t like that side of you. When we first started talking, you were so nice, sweet, and respectful, but then you started tripping and acting crazy so I fell back. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to be with you anymore and she stepped up and confused me.”

  “Nigga, I was acting crazy because you’re a liar! And, I love you! But, you don’t love me! You only love what I can do to and for you, how I make you feel, and how I take your stress away. Nigga, I gave you my all and this whole time you’ve lied to me while you were with another woman. You love her and that had me jealous, insecure, and that made me hate you. To know that you don’t appreciate me, but she don’t appreciate you. You… you…”

  “I’m sorry. I ain’t shit. I know I ain’t shit. I feel like shit. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I… I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “So, you’re really married to her… hunh?”

  “I haven’t been married to her the whole time. We got married a week ago. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. She came to me and gave me an ultimatum, told me she was pregnant and that she’d been doing all that I asked her to. She stopped going to her Pops’ church. She ain’t been spending time with him or letting him disrespect me. She’s been keeping the kids daddies away so that’s less drama and her divorce was finalized. She told me if I wanted to be with her we had to get married that day, so I just…did it, but I haven’t sent the signed license in yet. I don’t know if I’m really married or not, Al. I don’t know if I really want to be with her because I love you. I didn’t mean to fall for you, but I fell for you. I’m just… in a fucked up spot right now.”

  I took a step back and sighed heavily. I was officially done. I guess it took him to get married for me to have the strength to let him go. Standing there, looking at him and listening to him made me realize just how much I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. What other reason would I allow him to disrespect me this way?

  “You don’t have to worry about me calling you and texting you anymore, Alex. You don’t have to worry about me acting crazy. I’m done.”

  “You done? What do you mean you done? You can’t leave me.”

  “Nigga… you’re married.”

  “So? I love you. I want you. I need you.”

  “No, you don’t need me. You don’t need my love. You don’t appreciate my love. If you did, you wouldn’t have married her.”

  “You still love me?”

  “I will always love you.”

  “Then, don’t leave me.”

  “What the fuck, Alex? You think I’m finna be your side chick while you out here fronting like you living the married good life? Nah. I’m not finna play with you. You’ve lost all access to me.”

  I tried to walk away, but he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me into his chest. Tears had begun to fall again and I was getting weaker as he held me tighter.

  “Please, Noelle. Don’t leave me, baby. I need you. You bring me peace. I miss and love you so much, baby. No other woman loves me the way you do.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t love me the way you love her,” I sobbed.

  “Baby…”

  “Let me go, Alex, please. If you love me or care about me at all… please… just let me go.”

  “Noelle…”

  “No, Alex. Let me go!”

  Unwillingly, he released me, only to turn me towards him and pull me into him with his hands cupping my face, and his nose and forehead on mine.

  “I’m sorry, Noelle. I. I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry you had to find out like this.” I wrapped my hands around his waist as he kissed my lips lightly. “I love you, baby,” he whispered.

  “Let’s go, Alayziah,” Andrew interrupted.

  “No, you stay. You have to play. I’ll call Marcel and have him to pick me up,” I said, removing myself from Alex’s grip. He just stared at me with the most pitiful pleading eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Alayziah.”

  I couldn’t even face him anymore. It was hurting too much. I turned my back to them both and walked to the curve and sat down. After pulling out my phone, I texted Marcel and asked him to come and pick me up. He asked me for the address and I
shot it to him before placing my face in my hands and crying until he pulled up.

  Alexander

  After two weeks of not talking to Alayziah, I couldn’t take it anymore. I called her, apologized, and she accepted. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me, too. I told her that I needed her and she told me I was a fool. I agreed, but that didn’t change anything. She rushed me off the phone to get ready to go out, said she had a performance tonight. So, I figured I’d swing through and let her know in person just how much I missed her. When she walked onto that stage, my dick stood and my heart fell. I don’t know if it was even possible, but she looked more beautiful than she did the last time I saw her. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t ignore the sadness in her eyes.

  She looked around the crowd and her eyes fell on mine. Her eyebrows wrinkled in anger and she closed her eyes. After inhaling and exhaling deeply, she looked me dead in my eyes and started to recite her poem,

  “Said you wanted me to write you a poem to recite to your wife at your reception

  Well, here you go…

  To the woman, I’ve committed myself to for the rest of my life

  three days before I made you my wife

  I was inside the poet who wrote this piece for you

  She gave me everything I needed while you were trying and failing to satisfy me and your father Told her I’d marry her so she agreed to take our friendship further

  Filled her head with lies like I planned on leaving you

  Lied to her for so long I almost believed it was the truth

  But then I got my court stuff together and I started making some extra money

  you and I started getting along better so I started acting funny

  Stopped calling her as often started texting back less

  Told her I loved her still but it was really just about the sex

  She had no problem giving it up even though I was driving her crazy

  Told her I was coming in her and that she could be having my baby

  But I never came inside her I just wanted to keep her close

  She had to know I was playing her

  She had to know my feelings were a joke