Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  I smiled as I sat upright and turned to face him. His eyes were the same color as Bow Wow’s and every time I looked into them, I wanted to melt.

  “Okay…well…The first guy that…”

  “Ruined you.”

  “Yeah. Ruined me…we were in high school. He was more concerned with being cool and fitting in than being faithful and loving me back. He slept around yet pressured me to give him my virginity. Our senior year I did and I got pregnant. He told me that he wasn’t ready to be a father. That we both had too much going on in our lives to be held back with a child. My father was willing to help me raise the baby on my own but he didn’t want people to see him as a deadbeat. So he had his mother to invite me over for dinner one night.”

  I tried to shake the tears from my eyes but they began to fall. I’m glad I didn’t put on any makeup. Before I could wipe them away he grabbed my hands with one of his and used the other to wipe my tears and encouraged me to continue.

  “He put Mifepristone in my food. Here I am thinking he’s coming to his senses but he was feeding me abortion pills. I was so fucking scared, Jabari. Out of nowhere cramps. Contractions. I started bleeding. Throwing up. When I got to the hospital, they told me that it was side effects of the medicine I’d taken to abort my baby and I was like, that couldn’t be right. You know? But, it was in my system and by the time I got there, there wasn’t anything they could do to save my baby.”

  “Damn. I’m so sorry, Alayziah. No one should ever have to go through some shady shit like that.”

  I half smiled as he squeezed my hands tighter. “I got over it eventually, but I waited a while before I dated anyone else. After him, it was a guy that I loved way too hard who couldn’t appreciate and return it. So, then I took another break and when I did give another guy a chance it was a guy who was bisexual. He wanted me to marry him so he could keep up his façade and have his little boyfriend on the side,” I laughed at the thought of Andrew.

  “Damn. Where they do that at?”

  I laughed again, causing him to smile. God I loved his smile and his teeth.

  “I guess he was scared because he’s a musician. He’s a few years older than me and his parents and church had been trying to marry him off for a while before me. I think they were starting to get suspicious. I walked in on him and the guy having sex and I flipped. But I wasn’t in love with him so…I got over that too, but this last one.”

  Tears filled my eyes at the thought of Alex. I inhaled deeply as my leg began to shake. He released my hands and wrapped his hands around my thighs. They stopped shaking under his touch. Our eyes met and he smiled.

  “Let it out.”

  Nodding, I inhaled deeply before continuing, “I fell in love with him hard, but he didn’t catch me. He… couldn’t catch me because he was holding someone else. Long story short, I fell in love with another woman’s man. They married and for a while he wouldn’t let me go. I had to move and change my number and block him on my social media just to get away from him. He swears he loves me.” I rolled my eyes and scoffed at my stupidity. “But, if he loved me, he wouldn’t have married her without telling me. He wouldn’t have been having sex with me and her and gotten her pregnant. He lied about so much and I felt so stupid. So foolish. I just… Jabari my heart can’t take another break.”

  I was crying harder now. For a while he said nothing. He just…absorbed me and all I’d said. Then he kneeled before me. Ran his fingers through my hair before cupping my cheeks with his hands. I looked down at him as he wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

  “Is that it?” he asked finally. I nodded yes.

  “Let me apologize to you for them. The way they treated you was foul. You didn’t deserve that shit. No one deserves that shit. I can tell that you love hard. And easily. So I want us to take things slow. I want to give you time to see that you can trust me. That you can trust me with your love. Alayziah I will never lie to you. I will never keep anything from you. I will never disrespect you or cheat on you. I will leave you before I do that. Now I’m not perfect. We will fight and I will hurt you, but you have to trust that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you. And no matter what happens between us bad it will never outweigh the good.”

  It all sounded good…but how could I trust him? Why would he want me? Why would he want to love me?

  “Why me? Why do you want to love me?”

  “Because you need me to. I need to love you. And I need to be loved by you.”

  “But how can I trust you? Trust this. How do I know that you won’t change your mind?”

  “You don’t. You won’t. You can’t. You just have to be open. Be vulnerable. Be brave. And take a chance with me. But I will tell you this, I have a mother and I had two sisters that I adore. I know how to treat women because of them. My older sister ended up spiraling out of control and overdosing because the man she’d given her best to left. He left holes in my sister that she tried to fill with drugs, and instead of her waiting for a real man to love her, she just…kept smoking. Kept drinking. Kept trying to fill that hole.”

  I saw the gloss cover his eyes, he was getting choked up – but he looked away. He tried to keep me from seeing it. Naturally my hands covered his face and I forced him to lock eyes with me.

  “Is that why you don’t like for me to smoke?”

  He nodded. “I just don’t want you to think you need a substance to numb you. I don’t want that to lead to something else. I know you might think I’m overreacting but…”

  I couldn’t even let him finish. I covered his lips with mine, but when I realized what I was doing, I stopped and stood. Tilting my head back, I exhaled deeply. I never initiated or made the first move. He stood and walked over to me, turned me to face him, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. He placed his hands on my cheeks, lifted my face so he could see me, and ran his thumb across my lips. It felt so good and so intimate that I closed my eyes. He pulled me closer, put his lips on mine, and kissed them until I smiled. When I did, he slid his tongue into my mouth and kissed away any doubtful words I had on my tongue. Once he released me, he looked at me intently as I smiled.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I just don’t understand why a man would want to do anything but love you.”

  “Jabari…what I tell you before about saying stuff like that?”

  “And what did I tell you in response to that?”

  Before I could answer him he was covering his dick with my hand. “Damn,” I mumbled at the feel of him.

  “I’m like this every time I’m around you. I doubt if that will ever change. I want you just as bad as you want me. So when you ready…just let me know.”

  Jabari

  When I finally got her to open up to me things were smooth for the rest of the night. We ended up staying in. I cooked and we just vibed. We stayed up talking for a while and fell asleep on the couch. I was used to waking up when the sun came up so when it did, I went home and got ready for my shift at the restaurant. Hearing about all that she’d gone through in the past because of niggas made my blood boil. I felt like it was my responsibility to protect her heart from this point forward, if she allowed me to. After watching my sister kill herself over a nigga who didn’t care enough about her to even see about the child they had together, there was no way in hell I could ever toy with a woman’s heart and emotions.

  I was supposed to be meeting her after my shift was over so we could go to the gun range. I figured if I introduced her to some other ways to relieve her stress, she wouldn’t depend on anyone else to do it for her. I wanted her to know that she could always depend on me. This way she’ll always have an outlet besides smoking and drinking.

  Alayziah

  “Damn, girl! You sure you ain’t did this before?” Jabari yelled cheesing.

  He brought me to a gun range. I must say I did pretty well. Letting off them bullets definitely gave me a rush that I couldn’t explain. I just kept shooting even after I ran out of bullets. That shit was li
ke one of the ultimate highs. He had to take the gun from me to regain my attention, but when he did, his sexy ass had it.

  “Yes, this is my first time. I love it here! I’m so glad you brought me. This definitely helped me.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he did the same to me, kissing me on my forehead.

  “I thought that was your voice.”

  I heard him before I saw him. I buried my head into Jabari’s chest and prayed I was hearing things. Jabari’s grip around my waist weakened as he tried to turn around to see who was talking to us but I held him tighter, not wanting to acknowledge him.

  “Let me go, babe,” Jabari spoke softly, trying to remove my arms from around his waist. Reluctantly, I let him go and he turned around to face him.

  “I’m sorry… can I help you?” Jabari asked Alex.

  “Nah. I was actually talking to Noelle.”

  “To who?”

  “Alayziah.”

  “Alayziah…” Jabari looked back at me as I held my head down. “You wanna talk to him?” he asked.

  I shook my head no as tears fell from my eyes. Nodding, Jabari grabbed my hand and pulled me away.

  “It’s like that, Al? You not even gone acknowledge a nigga you claimed you was gone love forever?”

  As much as I didn’t want to, I stopped, so did Jabari. I couldn’t turn to face him. I wasn’t ready to see him again.

  “I just wanna talk to you for a minute, baby. Please,” he begged.

  My heart ached. I looked at Jabari and saw the love in his eyes and continued to walk to his car in silence. As we rode back to my apartment, we still hadn’t spoken any words to each other. He didn’t ask me who the man was. He didn’t even seem bothered by it. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. I tried to hide it but the way he kept looking at me with sadness in his eyes let me know he could tell.

  “I don’t want to leave you by yourself like this Sweetheart. If you want to talk we can. If you don’t want to we don’t have to. Whatever you need…just tell me.”

  “I’ll call Marcel,” I mumbled. He nodded before opening his door and making his way to mine. After walking me to my door, he walked back to his car without saying another word.

  Jabari

  A nigga ain’t gone lie…the fact that she brushed me off after seeing one of her exes kind of pissed me off. I could understand if she wanted to be alone, but for her to call her best friend… as if I couldn’t be there for her? I ain’t gone force my love and companionship on no woman. If she can’t see that shit then it’s gone be her loss. She called me this morning but I wasn’t ready to talk to her ass so I shot her a text and told her I would get up with her later. I was going to have to find out who this nigga was and make sure that when he sees her…he doesn’t see her. He doesn’t deserve to have his eyes rest on her. To speak to her. And whether we got together or not I was going to make sure they never did again.

  Alayziah

  When I made it to work this morning, I felt like shit. I know Jabari wanted to make me feel better but I just didn’t want to be around him at that moment. I didn’t want to confuse me feeling bad about Alex with me feeling good about Jabari. I know I’d probably made him mad brushing him off and I planned on making up for that but I just needed some time to get my mind right. That didn’t seem like it was going to be happening anytime soon when I walked into my office and saw Alex sitting there. I stood at the door for a while. Staring at him. He just sat there and smiled. His hands crossed over his lap. I looked behind me before closing the door and walking towards my desk. Once I sat down I opened my laptop and he was still staring at me. When I couldn’t take it anymore I looked at him and asked, “Why are you staring at me, Alexander?”

  “Just…making up for lost time.”

  I didn’t want to but I smiled. “Why are you here? Who told you where I work?”

  “Pam.”

  I shook my head and made a mental note to go up to my old job and get on Pam’s head in a respectful way. “Okay…well what do you want?”

  “You.”

  “Alex, get yo life.”

  “I miss you, baby.”

  “Alex you’re a liar. Get the hell out of my office,” I whispered to keep from yelling. He didn’t look fazed at all. He just stared at me for a few seconds and gave me time to cool off before he spoke.

  “I love you Al. That hasn’t changed.”

  “Why are you doing this to me?” I asked with tears filling my eyes.

  “Because I love you. And I know you love me too. I know this whole thing is crazy but baby you have to understand none of this was my intention. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, but I am. I tried to let you go, but I can’t. I don’t want to be without you.”

  “You should’ve thought about that before you married her.”

  “I’m getting a divorce when the baby is born.”

  “I don’t believe you. And even if I did that has nothing to do with me.”

  “So you don’t want me anymore? You don’t love me anymore Noelle?”

  I didn’t answer him, just returned my attention to my computer. He didn’t deserve my love or my emotions, but I couldn’t lie to his face and tell him that I no longer loved him. So I was just going to ignore him. He stood. Walked over to my desk and kneeled in front of me. I tried to ignore him but he started singing and my whole body began to shake.

  “I need your forgiveness and your mercy too. I must be all kinds of crazy for what I’ve done to you. I hope you understand that my heart is true. Mistakes I’ve made them but I’m making change for you. Have I learned is your question and my answer is I have. But if you’re expecting perfection then we’re not gone last. This is not an excuse I’m just telling the truth. Baby, I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

  He hit a high note and my heart ached. Burned. Missed a couple beats.

  “I’m ashamed of me. I wish I never did you wrong. Every night of us I dream that I wake up in your arms. I know why you left me but since you’ve been gone my understanding has more than grown I come to this conclusion over and over again. I don’t want an enemy I just want back my friend. I’m ashamed of me. I wish I never did you wrong. Every night of us I dream that I wake up in your arms.”

  A tear slid down his cheek and I had to wrap my arms around my chest to keep from wiping it away.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. Please, tell me you forgive me.”

  “I forgive you.”

  “Do you still love me, baby?”

  “Do you?” We both looked up and saw Jabari standing at the door. “Do you still love him?” Jabari asked again.

  “Yes, but…”

  “But nothing. Let me make it up to you,” Alex interrupted.

  “Is that what you want, Sweetheart?” Jabari asked.

  “No, Jabari, I don’t want that.”

  “Tell him you don’t want him,” Jabari said.

  I can’t lie the way he was handling this situation and not even acknowledging Alex was turning me on. I looked at Alex and saw the hurt in his eyes before I closed mine.

  “I don’t want you anymore Alex.”

  “Look him in his eyes and tell him Alayziah.”

  I looked at Jabari with tears in my eyes but he seemed unfazed.

  “I don’t want you anymore,” I couldn’t even get it out before I was sobbing. Alex tried to console me but Jabari stopped him.

  “My nigga you need to leave.”

  Alex looked at him like he was crazy but stood. “I’ll leave only if you want me to. Is that how you really feel Alayziah?”

  I nodded. Alex nodded. Then he walked out. Jabari walked over to me and stared down at me. When I looked up at him he spoke.

  “I don’t believe you. And I know he didn’t either. Until you get him out of your system…” He didn’t finish his sentence. He just turned to walk away.

  “Jabari wait…” I called out to him but he didn’t stop. “Bari!” Ignoring me he left my office. Leaving me to deal with my own self.


  Jabari

  “Why would you do that, RiRi? You know she’s struggling right now. She needs you.”

  I side eyed Jessica before taking another sip of my Hennessey. I don’t know why she felt like she could give me love advice. The only reason I told her about what happened with Alayziah is because she kept harassing me wanting to know what had me in a fucked up mood.

  Truth be told, I used to be a dog ass nigga. I was in the streets heavy and because I was a good looking nigga, it was nothing for me to get a female to drop the panties, but after seeing what happened to my sister years ago, I threw all that shit to the side. I witnessed for myself how low a woman will drag her own self because a nigga ain’t doing what she thinks he should. I refuse to watch another woman self-destruct, not even Alayziah. So, if she wanted that nigga, and it was obvious that she did, she could have him.

  “RiRi!” Jessica yelled, trying to snatch the glass from my hand.

  “What, mane?”

  “You hear me.”

  “Yeah, I hear you. I ain’t trying to, though.”

  “Stop being stubborn and go see about her.”

  “Why do you care so much? You don’t even know her to care about her.”

  “I care about you and I see that it’s eating at you.”

  “I appreciate that lil sis… but I’m not going. I’m not calling. I’m not going to allow her to think that she can do to me what he did to her.”

  She sighed heavily and stood. Staring down at me with disappointed eyes. “Find Jabari, but if she goes back and gets hurt, it’s on you.”

  “No, it’s not. She a grown woman. I put what I had on the table. If she don’t want to accept it, that’s on her.”

  “God you’re so stubborn,” she mushed my head before running to her bedroom.

  Alayziah

  I could tell Jessica was surprised to see me at their restaurant. Her face immediately lit up. A week had gone by since the whole ordeal happened at my job. I hadn’t heard from Jabari since. Alex, however, had been at my job every day. He just couldn’t get over the fact that I was trying to move on. Like…he expected me to wait for him to realize what he had in me. True I loved him, but if loving him caused this much hurt I no longer wanted it or him.