Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  “Hey, pretty girl,” I spoke as she pulled me into her arms.

  “Hey, Allie cat. I’ll go get RiRi’s stubborn ass for you.”

  “No…actually…I came for you.” She looked at me skeptically as I continued, “I need your help. I know I may have made him mad and I want to make it up to him. What can I do to show him that I’m serious about him? About us?”

  “Well…there is one thing that I know that will make him absolutely crazy about you. Can you cook?”

  Jabari

  When I walked inside my home the lights were off, candles were lit, Sam Cooke was playing in the background and something was smelling good as hell in the kitchen. Since I was old enough to cook for myself I’ve never allowed a woman to cook for me. Not even my mother. In fact, the only time she’s cooked for me is when I’ve been sick or if I’ve gone to her home for dinner with the fam, but for a woman to just… cook for me. Nah. I wasn’t having that. Food was too sacred of a thing for me for it to be tainted by someone who couldn’t satisfy my appetite and taste preferences. I’d never put that weight on a woman so I’ve always done the cooking.

  I knew it couldn’t have been Jessica because she knows I don’t play about people being in my kitchen so it had to be Alayziah. I smiled at the thought of her going through all of this trouble for me. I just stood there for a moment. Taking in what she’d done for me. When I couldn’t take it anymore I walked into the kitchen and saw her in her sexiest form. She was barefoot with a pair of boxers and a razorback sports bra on. She was too busy singing along with Sam and poking a fork in her candied yams to notice me so I leaned against the wall and watched her work. As Sam sung about his woman bringing it on home to him I was glad that she decided to come home to me. After she tasted the yams she turned around to put the fork in the sink and jumped when she saw me standing there.

  “Good grief! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” she yelled grabbing her chest.

  I smiled as I walked over to her. Stood so close she had to wrap her arms around me to keep from moving backward. I caressed her face and stared into her eyes for a second before asking, “What are you doing here Alayziah?”

  She bit her lip and looked down. After lifting her face, I asked her again.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

  “For what?”

  “For whatever I did to make you pull away from me.”

  I sighed as I took a step back. “You don’t even know why you’re apologizing. You’re just doing it because you think that’s what I want from you, but it’s not.”

  “Then what do you want Jabari?”

  “I want you to be happy and loved and at peace. If you don’t want to get it from me Sweetheart that’s fine, but I refuse to watch you backtrack with any of your exes. And it was evident that day in your office that you want him. Is that the one that is married?”

  Nodding, Alayziah wrapped her fingers around my belt buckles.

  “Yes, and yes, I want him. Yes, I love him. I gave him me Bari. I can’t deny that. I also can’t deny the fact that I know that he isn’t for me. Or that he lied to me. Betrayed my loyalty and trust. And caused me so much pain. So yes I want him but I give you my word…I’m never going back to him.”

  I placed my forearms on top of her shoulders and grabbed her hair gently from behind. Forcing her to look up at me.

  “I want to love the pain out of you woman…but I’m not going to let you hurt me.”

  She started biting the inside of her cheek, fighting back tears and her emotions.

  “Bari when you say shit like that…”

  “Stuff. Stop cursing so damn much.”

  She smiled as she hugged my waist. “How you gone tell me not to curse and you curse in the same sentence?”

  “I’m a nigga. I can curse.”

  “No, you’re a man, a real man, and I’m so glad you found me. I appreciate you so much Jabari.”

  This time, I was the one who fought back my feelings.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked, removing herself from me.

  “Yeah. What you make?” I asked going into my refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water.

  “Smothered pork chops, cabbage, yams, cornbread and sweet potato pie.”

  “Jess told you that was my favorite meal, huh?” I smacked her on her ass before sitting on the counter next to the stove. She blushed as she cut the burners off on the stove.

  “Yes. She told me that you’d never let a woman cook for you before. So I wanted to show you that I can handle you.”

  “Is that right?”

  Nodding she grabbed a fork and put a bite of the yams to my mouth. I must admit, they smelled good, but I was scared to try them. If her ass couldn’t cook it was going to be a wrap.

  “Taste it Jabari,” she commanded. I looked at her skeptically as I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. She fed me the potatoes and they melted in my mouth. I moaned and she squealed.

  “I passed? You like them?” she asked.

  “Yeah, they good. Real good. Almost as good as mine. Gone fix me a plate before I make you my dinner.”

  “Oh yeah?” she asked grinning.

  “Yeah. And I ain’t playing either.”

  “What if I wanna be?”

  I jumped down off the counter and walked up on her. When she didn’t back away I lifted her off the floor and carried her over to the table. She watched me pull her boxers down with the sexiest smile I’d ever seen on a woman. Once I got them off I wasted no time as I pushed her legs so far back her ass lifted off the table slightly. I twirled my tongue around her clit before sucking it gently.

  “God damn, Jabari…” she moaned, grabbing my head as I dipped my tongue in and out of her pussy. “Shit…right there, Bari.”

  “What I tell you about that cursing?” I asked, taking her ankles into one hand and using the other to finger her.

  “Ummmm, I’m so sorry…” she moaned as she started to move her hips up and down, fucking my finger. Wetting it all the more, I released her legs and lifted myself and stared down at her. I pissed her off by stopping but I didn’t care. I was about to teach her hard headed ass a lesson.

  “You don’t listen. I keep telling you about your mouth,” I said as I walked away. She must have thought that I wasn’t coming back because she started going off and cursing under her breath. I cut Sam Cooke off and made my way back to her. As I did I took my shirt off and pulled a condom from my pants. Immediately shutting her smart ass mouth up. She bit her lip and watched me drop my pants. I handed her the condom after I opened it and she slid it on me. I pulled her ass off the table and slid inside her slowly. Inch by inch until all of me had filled her. She flung her head back in ecstasy but I wanted to see every face she made.

  “Look at me, Sweetheart,” I said as I started to move in and out of her.

  “Mmmm…uhhhh…”

  Every time I dug inside of her she was grunting. Slapping her juices on me. Biting her lip. Raking her fingers up and down my chest.

  “Umm. That’s it, baby. Squeeze my dick just like that. Just like that.”

  She was coming and squeezing the shit out of me or should I say squeezing the cum out of me? Once her orgasm subsided she wrapped her arms around my neck and I lifted her off the table. Standing straight up, I pounded into her. Hitting her g spot and brushing against her clit each time.

  “Baarrriiii!” she yelled coming again. Her legs stretched out. Back arched. Head hung back. I laughed at her ass.

  “That’s not funny,” she whined bouncing up and down on my dick. I gripped her waist tighter and tried to control her movements but she wouldn’t let me.

  “Shit,” I moaned, feeling my cum rise up. “Slow down,” I pleaded but she didn’t listen. Seemed like that made her go faster. “Aahhh…” I groaned slamming her into the wall gently as I stroked her until I busted my nut.

  After I did we stood there for a second. Still connected to one another.

  “Jabari…” she whispered like we w
eren’t the only two people in the kitchen.

  “Yes, Sweetheart?”

  “Can I curse one last time?”

  I looked at her crazy ass and nodded my head yes before kissing her forehead.

  “You just fucked the shit out of my ass. Damn, I needed that.”

  When I looked in her face and saw the seriousness in her eyes I burst into laughter. “Girl, you crazy as hell you know that right?” She shrugged as I removed myself from her. “Thank you though baby. That pussy is A1 too. I see why these niggas don’t wanna let you go.”

  Smiling she went into the bathroom and got us some towels to wipe off with as I fixed our plates. A shower could wait. A nigga was hungry as hell after that.

  Alayziah

  “Just…move…on Alex!” I yelled through my front door. He followed me home from work and found out where I lived. Now he was randomly popping up trying to talk to me. Like he wasn’t married. Like he hadn’t spent I don’t know how long lying to me and leading me on. I didn’t know why he was trying so hard to get me back when it’s his fault that he no longer had me.

  “How can I move on Noelle? How can I move forward when my future is in my rearview? It’s you, baby. It was always you.”

  I slid down my door and grabbed two handfuls of my hair. Resting my elbows on my knees I tried my hardest not to yell out. He was driving me crazy.

  “You made your choice Alex, and it wasn’t me. You no longer have access to me.”

  “I made a mistake baby. I need you.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “I love you.”

  “No, you don’t. You love what I did for you. How I made you feel. But you don’t love me. There’s no way you could have loved me and did me the way you did.”

  “Baby…”

  “Go Alex. Let me go.”

  “I can’t. I wouldn’t be here if I could. I need you, Noelle.”

  “If you love me at all let me go, Alex. Please…let me go,” I begged. He was wearing me down and he knew it.

  “Noelle. Open the door baby. Please. I need you,” There was such desperation in his voice. I sat there with my head on the door. Looking up. Praying for strength and self-control. I licked the side of my mouth and shook my head as if I could shake the tears out. “Baby…”

  I stood. Turned towards the door. Placed my hand on the nob. Tapped the door with my forehead lightly. “You’re never going to let me go. Are you?” I asked.

  “I can’t Noelle. I promise you I’ve tried.”

  I opened the door and felt my heart hit my stomach at the sight of him. Fuck that, it went down into my vagina at the sight of him.

  “I don’t want to miss you. I don’t want to love you, but I do. That hasn’t changed,” he continued placing his hand over my cheek and pulling me into his chest. I stopped breathing when he wrapped his arms around my waist, and as much as I didn’t want to want to, I wanted him to never let me go. “You miss me?” he asked as I hugged him back. I nodded my head yes. He moaned into my ear as he squeezed me tighter. “I’m sorry, Noelle. I know I fucked this up, but if you just give me some time I’m going to fix this. Fix us.”

  I didn’t want to believe him. I couldn’t believe him. I was tired of wasting energy on him. I just nodded okay and held him tighter. I didn’t want to hear him. His words meant nothing to me.

  “Make me feel your love, Alex,” I pleaded softly. His arms went from my waist to my face as he kissed me passionately. When he lifted me off the ground and wrapped my legs around him I came to myself and jumped down. “No, you. You have to go, Alex. I can’t keep doing this with you.”

  “Please, Noelle. Just one last time.”

  “No, go Alex, please.”

  “I’m not letting you go.”

  “You let me go the day you signed that marriage license.”

  He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying. Then, he just…left, and I was glad he did.

  Jabari

  When I saw that nigga leaving her house, it took all the Jesus within me to not hop out and tag his ass. Really, the only thing that saved him was the pissed off look on his face. I figured things must not have ended the way he wanted them to if he was mad and I was proud of Al for standing her ground. Had that nigga came out smiling, I wouldn't have known how I would have reacted. Once he made it to his car and drove off, I took a few deep breaths before I exited mine and went up to Al’s door. I didn’t even have to knock because the door was cracked open. I heard her crying, so I went in and found her in the middle of the floor, laying there, sobbing. She was that weak over this nigga that she couldn’t even close the door and, at least, sit down before she let it out.

  I can’t lie… seeing her so broken… scared me. I didn’t know if I was capable of taking on the challenge of fixing what this nigga had broken. I walked over to her and lifted her up. She panicked until she realized it was me. Then, she rested inside my arms. I took her and laid her in her bed. Took her clothes off and tucked her in. I tried to leave but she grabbed me and pulled me into the bed with her. I held her until she went to sleep. When she did, I left.

  Alayziah

  When I woke up alone, I called Jabari. He didn’t answer so I got up, showered, and threw on some clothes. I walked down to his family’s restaurant and just the thought of all of the different foods being prepared by his hands made my stomach growl. I saw Jessica before I saw him and she looked spooked as she walked towards me.

  “Hey, pretty girl,” I spoke as she hugged me.

  “Hey, Allie cat. Um… RiRi know you here?” she asked uncertainly.

  “No, I just wanted to stop by and see him. Is he busy?” I asked, looking towards the kitchen. It was thirty minutes before their dinner rush so I figured he was probably doing some prepping.

  “Um…uh…”

  Hearing her struggle to answer caused me to look back at her. “What is it, Jess?”

  Ignoring my question, she looked to the left of me. I followed her eyes and saw Jabari cheesing in some chicks face. I chuckled and shook my head in disgust.

  “Allie cat…”

  “It’s cool,” I said, walking towards him, towards them.

  He saw me before she did and he immediately stood and walked towards me.

  “Sweetheart…”

  “What the fuck is up, Jabari? You leave me so you can flirt with the next bitch?”

  He grabbed me by my forearm and almost dragged me to the other side of the restaurant.

  “I thought you were different. You just like the rest of these dog ass niggas,” I continued.

  “Alayziah, shut the fuck up and listen, damn.”

  “No! I’m tired of niggas lying to me and leading me on. If you didn’t want to fuck with me anymore, why didn’t you just say that?”

  “I don’t want to fuck with you anymore.”

  Taken aback by his honesty, it took it a second to register in my brain, but when it did, I nodded okay before I took a step back and stuck my hand inside my purse. I pulled out tickets I’d purchased for us to go the Grizzlies game tonight and handed them to him.

  “Take your girl. Have fun, Jabari.”

  His face softened and he ran his hands down his face as I walked away. Jessica was standing there watching me with the most pitiful look on her face. I smiled to assure her that I was okay when really, I was breaking even more on the inside. I walked over to her and kissed her forehead as she wrapped her arms around my hips.

  “He’s just scared of you, Allie cat. Please, don’t let him go.”

  I caressed her cheek lightly as she brushed a tear away from my eye. “Call me if you need me, Pretty Girl. I’m here for you for whatever, okay?”

  “Al…hold up before you leave…” Jabari said.

  I removed Jessica’s hands from my face and made my way out of there before he made it to me. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing else for us to say to each other. I respected and appreciated his honesty and the fact that he’d spared me from any m
ore heartache. Now, I was done.

  Jabari

  “Al…baby wait…” I yelled out to her.

  Her ass was speed walking down the street. I could have easily caught up with her but I wanted to give her time to cool off a bit before I made it to her. I knew I’d messed up when I told her I didn’t want to fuck with her anymore. It was true when I said it, but once I said it, I knew I didn’t really mean it. I wanted her. I guess, I just wanted the healed and normal her, not the one that was in love with a married man, not the one with trust issues and paranoia issues, and not the one that had been so fucked up by men that she couldn’t see a good one standing in front of her. I was scared of her, scared that I was going to fall in love with her and she was going to do me the way he did her. I didn’t want to be her. I couldn’t be her. I refused to be her.

  “Alayziah,” the bass in my voice made her stop dead in her tracks. I made my way to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. She wrapped her arms around mine and leaned back into my chest. “I’m sorry.”

  She turned towards me, but she didn’t look at me.

  “Let me explain.”

  “You don’t have to explain. I appreciate your honesty.”

  “Look at me, Sweetheart.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m tired of crying.”

  Hearing her say that literally made my heart burn.

  “Al—”

  “It’s cool, Bari. You don’t have to explain. It’s cool.”

  “And, you mean that, don’t you? You’re seriously giving up on me already?”

  She scrunched her face up as she looked at me. “You just said you didn’t want to fuck with me anymore. What you want me to do? Beg you to stay?”

  “I don’t know what I want you to do to be honest. I saw you on that floor and that shit fucked with me, Al. I can’t even lie. It made me feel like what I’ve been trying to give you will never be enough, made me feel like you was going to leave me for him like he left you for her.”