Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  “Bari…” Her hands cupped my face as she stared at me like she was trying to find the perfect words to say. “I would never inflict that pain on you or anyone else. I’m sorry that you even feel that way, but I can’t lie…I’m struggling, but that doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s… this… hold he has on me. He won’t let me go.”

  “Do you want him to?”

  “I need him to.”

  “But, do you want him to?”

  “…Yes. He doesn’t deserve me. I know that in my mind. It’s my heart that doesn’t want to cooperate.”

  I sighed heavily before pushing her back slightly. “What do you want from me, Sweetheart?”

  “I just want you to love me, Bari.”

  “I want to love you, but I’m not going to let you play me. If you want to continue to go back and forth with him you can’t have me.”

  “I understand. You don’t have to worry about that. I’m done with him.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I guess we’ll see.”

  “Can you fix me some pasta? I’m hungry.”

  Alayziah

  Time passed and Jabari and I were doing very well. Alex just randomly stopped reaching out to me and I had to admit, that was kind of bittersweet. I loved that man and I missed him so much, but he wasn’t for me. Sometimes, I found myself crying myself to sleep in his t-shirt, wishing it was him that was holding me. I always said I’d never be a side chick. I’d never mess with a man who had a girlfriend let alone a married man, but I learned my lesson. Never say what you won’t do because you never really knew until you found yourself in that situation. The love that I had for Alex had me doing things I never thought I would do, and as much as I didn’t want to love him, want him, and miss him… I did. As much as I wished I was over him, I wasn’t. To be completely honest, if he came to me with divorce papers, I’d give his ass another chance, not because of his love for me, but because of my love for him. That was how much I loved him, and what fucked with me the most… was that I loved him so much and he loved and cared for me so fucking little.

  Yeah, he said he made a mistake and I was the one he should have chosen, but my God, did I not do enough for him to see what he had in me? Yeah, I had my crazy moments, but there was nothing that I wouldn’t do for that man. I literally gave him the best of me and he took it and made a mess of me. He left the rest of me and swore I wasn’t enough. Maybe that was why I stayed because I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want me. If I was this great woman and this great catch, why would he need someone else?

  Now, I was sitting here with this man that wanted to love me deeply and I couldn’t really give him all of my heart because I was reserving pieces for a nigga who wasn’t even mine.

  I invited Jabari, Jessica, Marcel, his new boo thang Whitney, and my cousin Erica over for a little set, and in the midst of being surrounded by all of this love, my mind just kept going back to Alex. I promised that I’d never call him or text him again so I called over to Marcel and told him to meet me on my patio.

  “What’s up, Love?” he asked when he finally pulled himself out of Whitney’s arms and met me on the patio.

  “I got a funny feeling. Some ain’t right.”

  “With?”

  “Alex. He’s been on my mind heavy these past few days.”

  He sighed and sat down. “Love…”

  “I’m not saying I’m going to call him or anything. I just can’t shake this feeling. I just feel like he needs me, Marcel. I can’t explain it. I know him and I know when things aren’t right with him. I feel it in my soul. Something is wrong.”

  “Okay. So, how do you want to handle this? Do you want to call him? Check out his social media?”

  “He’s not gone say anything about it on there, but I don’t want to call him.”

  “Then, how are you going to find out if something is wrong?”

  I sat next to him and inhaled deeply. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

  “Just call him. Get it out your system.”

  I shook my head no. When I opened my mouth to reply, my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and Alex’s number was flashing across my scream.

  “Marcel, it’s… it’s him.”

  “Answer it.”

  With shaking fingers and a racing heart, I answered his call, “Hey.”

  “Is this Alayziah?”

  I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at it. There was a woman on the other line.

  “Yeah. Who is this?” I asked standing.

  “This is Amy. I’m a nurse here at Methodist East. Alexander White is here. He’s been in an accident. We had to put him in a medically induced coma because of the amount of pain he was in but before we did… he asked for you.”

  Dropping the phone, I fell to my knees. Marcel rushed towards me. I looked at him, saw his lips moving, but I couldn’t hear anything that was coming out. I had to get to my baby.

  Jabari

  I saw Alayziah fall to her knees outside and my first instinct was to go and see about her. Before I could, Marcel was lifting her up and she was rushing into her apartment. Tears were staining her face and she was shaking like crazy. She ran past everyone in the living room section of her studio apartment, including me, and went over to her bed. After throwing her phone and keys into her purse, she tried to run out of her front door, but I stopped her.

  “What the hell is going on? Where you going?” I asked her.

  “He’s… he’s… I have to go!” she yelled, crying harder.

  “Love, you can’t drive like this. You need to sit down and get yourself together before you go anywhere,” Marcel said, walking towards us.

  “No. I need to get to him. He needs me. I need to get to him. He’s all alone. I gotta go,” she sobbed. Her cries were getting louder. I pulled her into me and surprisingly, she didn’t pull away. She just cried into my chest as I looked at Marcel for an explanation.

  “It’s Alex. He’s been in some type of accident. He’s in a coma, but before they put him to sleep, he asked for her.”

  I felt slightly frustrated. Here I was, comforting her while she was crying over the next nigga. I let her go and called for Jessica. When she made it to my side, she asked what was going on.

  “We heading out. I’m done with this shit.”

  “What? What’s wrong?” she asked as Alayziah opened her door and walked out with Marcel on her heels.

  “I’m tired of playing second to her ex. The nigga ain’t even her ex. I’m done with this shit. If she loves him that much I’m just gone step back and leave her be.”

  “What happened, RiRi?”

  “The nigga was in some sort of accident.”

  “Okay… that doesn’t mean she wants him. She obviously cares about him. She’d probably be acting the same way if it was you. You can’t be mad at her for that. Don’t be insensitive, RiRi.”

  “Whatever mane. Like I said, I’m done. Get your shit. We out of here.”

  When we made it outside, Marcel was still trying to convince Alayziah not to go to the hospital until she calmed down. She locked eyes with me as I walked to my car. After giving Marcel a hug, she walked towards me. By the time she made it over, I was in the car with the door closed. I rolled the window down and looked at her.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

  I nodded.

  “Can I call you when this is over?” she asked.

  I shook my head no as I cut my car on. “That probably wouldn’t be for the best, Alayziah. I’m not for this back and forth shit. I told you that. Just… see about him. Do what you gotta do for him and after some time has passed, once you’re really free of him, you know where to find me.”

  “I don’t want to lose you, Bari.”

  “You never had me to lose me, Sweetheart, not because a nigga ain’t fall for you, but because you didn’t catch me. You was too busy holding him.”

  I used her words against her. She opened my door and sat on my lap, took my face in
to her hands, and stared into my eyes until I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Gone, Al.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Trying to love me and showing me that there are some good men out there to love me.”

  “My love won’t mean anything to you until you love you.”

  Her lips kissed mine sweetly, then my cheek, my neck, and next she laid against my chest.

  “Gone, Al.”

  Biting her lip, she got out of the car. “I’m sorry, Bari.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  She stepped back. I closed the door, drove off, and prayed I never looked back.

  Marcel

  I’d never seen my best friend so distraught. I was there for the passing of her mother and she handled that better than she handled this situation with Alex. I ended up driving her to the hospital because I didn’t want to run the risk of anything happening to her. When we arrived, she ran up to the nurse’s station and couldn’t even speak. I went up there and told them who she was looking for. Alex’s doctor came out and told her that until she calmed down he wasn’t going to tell her anything about his condition or let her see him. So, for an hour, she stood outside, pacing, praying and smoking cigarettes until I took her phone to find Jabari’s number and called him. I tried to calm her down but she acted like the only thing that would soothe her was seeing Alex. I took her my phone and Jabari only talked to her for less than a minute, but whatever he said calmed her down immediately. After listening to him, she said okay, handed me the phone, put out her cigarette and went back inside.

  A few minutes later, Alex’s doctor appeared and took us into a private room. We sat down and he stared at Al for a moment before he started talking.

  “Alayziah… Alex was in a car accident. He may have fallen asleep behind the wheel. Whatever happened, he ran into an eighteen-wheeler. Before he could make it out, they both exploded. When the truck driver and the people in the gas station heard the explosion, they ran out… but the flames were too insurmountable. They had to wait for the firefighters to get there.”

  “So, they just… just… watched him burn?” Alayziah asked as she began to shake.

  “There was nothing they could do, Alayziah.”

  “How bad is it?” she asked, putting her forearms on her thighs and leaning her head down so low it almost went between her legs.

  “Well… ninety-five percent of his body was severely burned.”

  “What?” Her tears fell again as she jumped up.

  I grabbed her and pulled her away from the doctor.

  She tried to compose herself as she asked, “So what’s the plan? Is he going to make it? What? What can I do?”

  “Honestly, Alayziah, this is the worst case of burns I have ever seen in my life. It doesn’t look good at all. He has less than a one percent chance of survival.”

  I held her tighter as her knees almost gave out on her.

  “We put him in a medically induced coma. The pain was unbearable. No one deserves to go through that. We’re going to scrape his skin to prevent infection, but after that, all we can do is keep him comfortable until… his vital organs are going to shut down. His body has swelled. Right now, we just need to keep him comfortable.”

  “Have you called his parents? His wife?”

  “You’re not his wife? He said you were. You’re the only person we’ve called.”

  “When can I see him?”

  “You can see him now, but I must warn you, he looks nothing like himself.”

  Al patted my arm signaling for me to release her. After I did, she turned to face the doctor.

  “Take me to him.”

  Alayziah

  I stood at Alex’s door for what felt like forever before I walked in. When I did, I immediately burst into tears. Even though the doctor warned me about his appearance, I wasn’t prepared for what was before me. He was unrecognizable. The sight of him literally made me sick to my stomach. My mind immediately went back to the last conversation we had, of how I put him out of my house, and pushed him away. He still wanted me here. I walked over to his bed and sat next to him, put my hand inside of his, and sobbed until I became weak.

  I knew that I needed to contact his parents but I just couldn’t pull myself to do it. I didn’t want to be the bearer of this bad news, but if I didn’t they’d be hearing about it soon so I looked his father up and called them. He was a preacher so it was easy for me to find his contact information online.

  “Hello?” he spoke.

  “Pastor White?” I tried to choke back the tears. I had to be strong for him. I had to be the peace he’d always needed me to be. That was why he wanted me here, because I brought him peace.

  “Yes?”

  “This is, um… Alayziah. I’m not sure if you know me…”

  “Of course, I know you. My son was crazy about you. I still have a strawberry cupcake in my freezer that he’s saving, said he never wanted to forget that day with you.”

  His father chuckled as I pulled my phone away from me, looking at Alex as I composed myself.

  “Pastor White…” I couldn’t find the words. They wouldn’t come out.

  He sensed my apprehension. “What’s wrong, Alayziah? Is my son okay?”

  “Can you and your wife get to Methodist East? We’re here. Um, can you get in touch with Carmen as well?”

  “For what? He divorced her and said he wanted to work things out with you. Just tell me… is my son, okay?”

  “You’ll see him when you get here, Pastor White. Call me when you’re outside and I’ll come meet you.”

  “We’re on our way.” He disconnected the call and I stood and caressed Alex’s burned, rubbery cheek.

  “I love you, Alex. I don’t know if you can hear me… but… I love you. Fight this, baby. I promise if you do, I’ll never leave your side. I’ll be with you every step of the way, Alex. Please…don’t give up on me, on us. I will always be here for you.”

  No longer able to hold my tears in anymore, I sat down and cried until his parents arrived. When Pastor White called, I wiped my face and stood.

  “You’re here?” I asked, walking towards the door.

  “Yes. What room are you in?”

  “Just…wait by the nurse’s station. I’ll get his doctor and have him come out and talk to you.”

  “It’s… it’s that bad? Oh, my God.”

  I hung up the phone. His cracking voice was about to send me over the edge. I walked out of the room and slowly made my way back to the waiting room. When I saw an older man who looked just like Alex and whom I assumed to be his wife standing next to him, I finally let my body go. That was when it really hit me. I wouldn’t be able to grow old with him, not even marriage was able to separate me from him, but death… death was trying to. I called out to them and when I did, I blacked out.

  Marcel

  When Al passed out, I thought all hell was about to break loose in this hospital. I called Jabari and he came up here along with Jessica. I knew that she was trying to be Alex’s strength, but she needed someone to be hers. I was trying to, but there was only so much that I could do. When her body hit the ground, Jabari, Jessica and I all jumped up and ran to her along with Alex’s parents. Jabari lifted her up and yelled for help. A couple of nurses came and led us to a nearby vacant room as they tried to wake her up. When she finally did wake up, she looked around at all of us as if she didn’t know where she was. I guess she might have thought it was a dream, but when she saw Alex’s father, she started crying again.

  “Please. Go on, talk to his doctor, and see about him. I’ll be fine,” she instructed.

  “Are you sure?” his father asked.

  “I’m fine. I’m going to let you two have some alone time with him then I’ll be back in.”

  His father nodded as his mother leaned down and kissed Alayziah’s forehead.

  “We’re going to have to talk soon,” his mother said.

  “Yes, ma’am.”r />
  When they left, Alayziah sighed as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

  “So, what they saying, Love?” I asked as Jabari stared down at her. Jessica was in the corner looking like a scared cat while all I could do was sit there and hold her hand.

  “He was in a car accident. His car and the truck he ran into caught on fire. His… his body… He… doesn’t even look like a human being. They’ve given him less than a one percent chance to live.”

  “Damn,” I whispered and squeezed her hand tighter.

  “Well, I know you’re going to be here for him and his family, but I want you to know Jess and I are here for you,” Jabari said, kissing her forehead.

  “That’s right, Allie cat,” Jessica said.

  “And, you know I got you,” I added.

  She smiled and looked at each of us. “I appreciate y’all. I need to get back to him.”

  As she sat up in her bed, we heard the loudest, most painful yell coming from the depths of a woman’s soul, and then we heard a man sobbing, yelling over and over again, “My son. My God. My Son.”

  Alayziah inhaled deeply and got off of the bed.

  “You sure you can handle this right now?” I asked her.

  Nodding yes, she gave me a weak smile. “That’s why I’m here, Boo. I gotta get myself together so I can be here for him and his family. I’m gone be okay. Y’all go ahead and head on out. I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not leaving you, Love.”

  “I’m fine, Marcel. Promise. If I need you, I’ll call you.”

  “I’ll take you home,” Jabari offered. I’d forgotten that I drove her here in her car.

  “Aight cool,” I said as I hugged Al tight. “Call me best friend.”

  “I will.”

  “I love you, my Love.”

  “I love you too.”