Alayziah: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  Alayziah

  After his parents had calmed down, called some of his family, and other Pastor’s, his mother tugged at my arm lightly and pulled me outside.

  “Would you like a cup of coffee?” she asked.

  I shook my head no.

  “But, I’ll go with you.”

  We walked to the cafeteria in silence. I decided to get a cup of coffee anyway. Once I filled half my cup with sugar and cream, we sat down face to face. I hate that the first time I was meeting his mother was under this condition. After she took a sip of coffee and made the usual "aah" sound, she looked at me and smiled, which caused me to smile.

  “It’s good to finally meet you,” she said.

  “You as well. I didn’t even know you guys knew about me.”

  She laughed and shook her head. “Girl, my son talked about you on a daily basis when he was staying with us. We couldn’t help but notice the change in him. Carmen and her parents had him so stressed out, unhappy, and angry. Then… all of a sudden, he just started walking around the house smiling in his phone all day, laughing and just… being at peace. His father and I teased him until he finally told us that you were the reason behind his smile, you and his daughter. I thought you were going to be what pulled him away from Carmen, but he just wouldn’t let her go completely. I knew it was those kids. That was why he stuck around. Had it been just her, I felt like he could have moved on, but he didn’t want to hurt those kids. Their fathers left them all and he stepped up. She preyed on his desire for a family, used that as a way to keep him around,” she sighed and took another sip of her coffee. “You know that baby wasn’t even his?” She laughed, shaking in disgust. “She was just trying to use that to keep him tied down. He already told her that he was leaving her when the baby was born for you. When she realized he was telling the truth, she went ahead on and told him that there was a chance that the baby wasn’t his, and sure enough, she wasn’t.”

  “Wow,” I whispered more to myself than her.

  “I know the way my son handled things with you wasn’t the best way. He was… struggling, Alayziah, trying to be the man he thought he had to be for us and the church, the man he needed to be for his daughter and her kids, and the man he wanted to be with and for you. He needed you, baby, and even though I know you two may have ended on bad terms, I’m glad he had you for as long as he did. You loved on him and allowed him to be himself. When he felt like he couldn’t be him with anyone else.”

  “First Lady…” I was trying not to cry and be all in my feelings, but she was about to make me lose it.

  “I’m sorry, but you need this. You need to hear this. My son loved you as much as he could and I’m appreciative of you loving him. He’s been married before to women who didn’t really love and appreciate him. He wants love and his own family so much that he settled for the first woman to come along and offer him that, but when he found you, you showed him what true love and support and friendship was. He said that. He said you showed him what true love and support and friendship was about. He was just… dealing with the consequences of the choices he’d made and he couldn’t get out, but he was trying. My God was my baby trying. He was coming home from playing in St. Louis. He’s been playing more and more. He’s never home. I told him he was doing too much and that he needed to rest. He said he’d rest when he died.” I watched as tears began to roll down her cheeks. “They said he asked for you.” I nodded. “They said, his chances of survival…”

  “It’s not about what they say. It’s about what God says and what Alex does.”

  “All the same, you need to know that my son had a will. You know he was in a gang in his younger years so his father and I have an insurance policy for him. After his divorce, he redid his will and left all that he has to you and his daughter.”

  “Ooww…” My heart literally ached as I grabbed my chest. “Why? Why did this happen to him? To us? Why couldn’t he just let her go? So, we could be together?”

  She stood and walked over to me. Pulled me into her stomach as I cried.

  “I don’t know, baby, but everything happens for a reason. If God decides to show us the reason great, if not, good. All I know is my son needs you. So, dry those tears and get back to his side.”

  I looked up at her and she smiled as she wiped away my tears. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Jabari

  He’d been in a coma for a week, and for a week straight, Alayziah did not leave his side. His mother had to almost force her to go outside to get some fresh air. They were going to try and wake him up just to see if they could talk to him and see what he wanted to do. We were all sitting around waiting for the coma to break. His doctor had warned us that depending on Alex’s pain tolerance level he could wake up and just scream out from the pain. If so, they were going to have to sedate him again. If he woke up and was calm so they could talk to him and let him know what was going on, they would allow him to stay awake for about two minutes before they put him to sleep again.

  “I will always be here for you,” I heard Alayziah say.

  I looked up and her hand was on his chest as she stared at him. Broke my heart to see her this way, but it was beyond my control. I was just glad that she agreed to go home for a night or two once he woke up. They promised to call her if there was any change in his condition so she agreed to take some time to see about herself.

  “Please, Alex. Wake up. If you can hear me, baby… wake up. I’m right here. I’m right here.”

  “Umm…” he moaned.

  “Yes. That’s it, baby. Just…be still and relax.”

  “Aahhh…” he moaned louder.

  “Baby. Please. Try and relax.”

  “Noelle!” he yelled out in pain.

  Everyone jumped up as his doctors rushed in. His blood pressure was rising and so was his heartbeat.

  “We have to sedate him or he’s going to have a stroke. The pain is too much,” his doctor yelled, pushing his parent’s away, but Alayziah still stood by his side.

  “I’m here, baby. It’s almost over. I love you so much, Alex. I love you, baby. I love you so much. I promise I do.”

  “I love you too, Noelle.” He opened his eyes finally and they were bloodshot red. “I’m sorry,” he moaned as his doctor injected a clear liquid into his I.V.

  “Don’t apologize anymore. It’s okay. I forgive you. I love you and I’m going to be right here when you wake up again, okay? I will always be here for you, Alex. I promise.”

  “I love you, Noe—” He drifted back to sleep. His heartbeat and blood pressure lowered simultaneously.

  Alayziah wiped her face and rushed out of the room, anger sketched across her face.

  Alayziah

  I was not angry. I was anger. I was not dangerous. I was danger, and I wanted to kill Carmen. I literally wanted to find her, wrap my hands around her neck, and choke the life out of her, not because Alex chose her over me, but because she got to spend time with him that I couldn’t. He couldn’t be with me because he was with her. That shit was fucking with me. Yes, I knew it wasn’t really her fault. I knew he made his choice. He could’ve left her to be with me if he wanted to, but none of that mattered to me at the sight of him. I ran outside because I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that room. My head was spinning and all I could think about was the first night we spent together and how he held me all night and every time I tried to get out of his grip, he pulled me in deeper.

  I got on Facebook and went to her page. Of course, she was playing the concerned and heartbroken spouse when she hadn’t stepped foot inside this hospital once. I messaged her ass and told her to call me. I was surprised when she did.

  “Hello?”

  “What?” she asked.

  I inhaled deeply to keep from spazzing on her ass. “Where you at Carmen?”

  “Why?”

  “I wanna beat your ass.” Wasn’t no point in lying or sugar coating it. I had so much pent up aggression and I needed to get it out.

  I was mad at h
er, mad at him, mad at myself, and mad at God for giving me a taste of the man and the love I’d always wanted and forcing me to watch him love and marry someone else. Now, I had to watch him fight for his life. I knew it wasn’t God’s fault, but this pain didn’t care who it blamed.

  “Girl, if you don’t get your crazy ass off my phone.”

  “Carmen, I’m dead fucking serious. I’m gone be on your ass next time I see you. I don’t care where it is. I don’t care who you with. I don’t care if you with your kids. When I see you… I’m on you.” I hung up the phone and groaned.

  “Now, what do you think that’s going to solve?”

  I turned around and saw Jabari standing before me. I couldn’t help but smile. Just the sight of him calmed me down instantly.

  “I need to get this frustration out of me, Bari,” I said as he walked towards me.

  “And, you think fighting her is going to do that?”

  “Damn right.”

  “What I tell you about your mouth and all that cursing?”

  I blushed.

  “Want me to take you to the gun range?” he asked.

  I nodded but I didn’t think that was going to be enough to take this away. At this point, though, I was willing to try anything.

  Jabari

  Alayziah with a fully automatic Lusa was the sexiest sight I’d ever seen. She was letting it rip and even after she was out of ammo her finger was still on the trigger squeezing. I walked towards her and lowered the gun before taking it out of her hand completely. She stood there with no movement and no expression. She just stood there. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there as well, waiting for her to make a move.

  “Bari…” she mumbled.

  “Yeah?”

  “Take me home.”

  Alayziah

  Jabari took me back to his place. We sat in his car in silence for like an hour before I was ready to get out. He fixed me something to eat even though I told him I didn’t have an appetite, but he insisted on cooking so I ate. When I was done, I took a long hot shower and found him stretched across the couch with his hands folded behind his head. I didn’t know what we had between us, but I swear, I was glad to have him. I leaned against the edge of his couch for a while before I straddled him. His hands immediately wrapped around my waist. Looking down on him, I traced his nipples with my fingers and my mind was filled with thoughts of Alex. He loved when I did that. I didn’t mean to start crying, but I couldn’t help myself.

  His fingers brushed my tears away as he lifted himself to face me. Taking my face into his hands, he showered my lips with kisses.

  “You said you would love the pain out of me,” I whispered.

  “I meant that shit too, Al.”

  “Then, do it. Love the pain out of me. Make me feel good, Bari. I need to get these thoughts, him, out of my head. Even if it’s just for a little while.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  Jabari wrapped my legs around him and stood. As he carried me to his bedroom, tears slid from my eyes. He sat me in the center of his bed. I looked at him and thought, what in the hell is wrong with you, Alayziah? This man is fine from his brown skin and pretty eyelashes to his full lips and vampire teeth. His body is racked. He has a heart of gold. Sweet and soft as cotton candy, but he don’t play around. The dick is good and he wants my crazy, confused heartbroken ass.

  I watched him remove his clothes and my heart was beating slowly so hard. I felt so bad, like I was cheating on Alex, when we had never even been in a relationship for me to be cheating on him. I watched him slide the condom on his dick and my mouth watered at the sight of him. He was the total package, but he wasn’t the package for me. It was like Jabari was to me what I was to Alex. It didn’t matter how good of a man Jabari was… Alex still had me, and it didn’t matter how good of a woman I was, Carmen still had Alex. They said he’d finally let her go. I hated I never had the chance to experience the real him, but there was no point in driving myself crazy over it now. Not right now, now that I had this man crawling towards me.

  His mouth covered mine briefly before he stopped and stared at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Turn around,” he instructed.

  I did as I was told skeptically. I was expecting Jabari to be on some making love all night shit but I wasn’t so sure now.

  Once I was positioned, he spread my ass cheeks and said, “Now, I can make love to you and have you sprung and crying when this is over or I can fuck you and make you forget about anybody else that’s ever been inside of you. What you want, Sweetheart? What you need?”

  “I…need…” I paused and thought. “I need you to make this go away, Jabari. Fuck me.” With no warning, he inserted himself inside of me and I cried out, “Shit!”

  He didn’t move. He just stayed there, completely still. I tried to throw it back on him but he wouldn’t let me. He licked his fingers and used them to massage my clit.

  “Bari…” I whined, but he still wouldn’t move.

  Before I knew it, it felt as if my pussy was on fire. Laying deeper into the bed, I relaxed my shoulders and enjoyed the feel of his fingers against my clit. Just as my walls started to pulse and vibrate against his dick he pulled out and went deep inside of me. Giving me the longest and hardest orgasm I’d ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t even moan. All I could do was shudder and struggle to breathe. When it subsided, he started long stroking me and I was able to voice my appreciation for what he’d just done.

  Jabari

  After I put Alayziah to bed with the dick, she didn’t want to leave me, so I took off from the restaurant so I could spend the night with her. We were supposed to go back to her crib so she could pack a bag but when we got there an older man called out, “Ziah!” and I swear I’d never seen her move as fast as she did when she dropped her purse and ran into his arms.

  “Daddy!” she yelled as she squeezed him tighter.

  He laughed and tried to pull away from her so he could look at her but she wouldn’t let him let her go.

  “Baby girl, let me look at you,” her father said but she wasn’t trying to hear that.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked as I picked up her purse and took out her keys to open the door.

  “Your cousin called me and told me you hadn’t been to work. Just wanted to come home and check on my baby,” he said carrying her inside as I stood at the doorway.

  “Call me if you need me, Sweetheart,” I said, not wanting to interrupt them.

  “No, Bari, don’t leave me,” she pleaded.

  Stepping inside, I closed the door behind me.

  “I’d shake your hand but she won’t let me go,” her father said chuckling.

  “It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’m Jabari.”

  “You as well. Call me Laymont. My daughter is a handful, huh?”

  I ran my hand down my waves and smiled, not sure if that was a trap or not. She finally let him go and we all sat on the couch.

  “So, what’s wrong, baby?” he asked.

  She looked from me to him as she ran her hands down her thighs. “How did you get over losing mama?” she asked.

  He inhaled and let out a hard breath as he sat deeper into his seat. “Honesty, Ziah, I never got over her. I just… accepted it. You know your mother was my everything. I… loved that woman more than life itself. You know I say all the time I’d die for you and her and I meant that. So, when I lost her, it was literally like I lost myself. I didn’t want to live. I didn’t want to love, but I know that she loved me and she would want me to be happy. There is nothing that she can do for me in the grave. Loyalty is for the living. Yes, I miss her and I want her and I think about her still, but I had to move on for me. So, I went through my little grieving stage. I didn’t want anyone else and when I was ready, not when women thought I was or my family thought I was but when I was ready, I started dating again. It was difficult at first because I found myself comparing them to h
er and they all failed miserably. No one will ever be able to replace your mother. I felt guilty about moving on, but I couldn’t let that consume me. I stopped looking for someone to replace her and I just… lived, baby, and in living, I loved. It just flowed naturally. Now, what’s going on?”

  “It’s a long story, Daddy. I just, I think I’m about to lose a man that I really care about and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle it.”

  “You can do all things through Christ who is your strength. If all else fails you can come back to Chicago with me. You know I think you’re too young to be dating anyway.”

  She smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Daddy.”

  “Anytime, baby girl. I’ll be back to check on you a little later. I need to stop by your auntie’s house or I’ll never hear the end of it. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  We all stood and he walked towards the door as he talked to me. “It was nice meeting you Jabari. Take care of my Ziah.”

  “Daddy!”

  “Yes, sir.” After she locked the door behind him, I made my way to her kitchen. “You hungry?” I asked.

  “Bari…”

  I know what she wanted to talk about, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I was hoping she’d let the shit go, but obviously, she wasn’t going to.

  “Bari…”

  “Yeah?” I asked, looking inside of her refrigerator.

  “Look at me. We need to talk.”

  “Ion want to,” I replied, opening her freezer.

  “Jabari.”

  “No. There’s no point in us talking about this, Alayziah.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “Because what.”

  “Because I don’t want to.”

  “But, we need to.”

  “Why?”

  She walked behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I stood there, letting the chill from the freezer put out the fire she had building inside of me.