A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  “I’ll make sure I bring the protein bars you like,” Pam said.

  “Only chocolate,” Olimpia told her.

  “Would I bring anything else?”

  “No. You’re very good to me. How are things otherwise?”

  Pam sighed and told her what had happened with Jen. “We’re still not talking. It’s been three days of radio silence. I know it can’t go on much longer.”

  “You should reach out to her.”

  “I knew you were going to say that.” Pam also knew her friend was right. “I’ll text her when we’re done talking.”

  “I guess this means she won’t be taking Lulu while you’re gone.”

  Pam rolled her eyes. “She never takes Lulu. Not since Jack was born. Imagine the germs. She’s a dog after all. Lulu will stay with my friend Shannon.”

  And while Shannon took excellent care of Lulu, she worked all day, so Pam also had to hire a dog sitter to spend a few hours with Lulu each afternoon. Yes, her dog was spoiled. She was also used to being with someone all the time. It wasn’t fair to leave her alone day after day simply because Pam was going on vacation.

  “I’m sorry about Jen,” Olimpia said.

  “Me, too. I wasn’t tactful. I should have been more gentle. It’s just she makes me crazy.”

  “I believe children are supposed to make us crazy. It makes them leaving easier.”

  “God always has a plan. You okay about the trip?”

  “No, but I recognize my process. I’ll be fine in a week or two.”

  “I’m still bringing protein bars. In case they try to starve us.”

  Olimpia laughed. “You’re a good friend. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Talk to you soon.”

  They hung up. Pam allowed herself thirty seconds of pouting before she texted her daughter.

  Checking in to see how things are going. I hope you know I said what I said with love. XO

  Thirty seconds later, her phone rang. Pam smiled as she picked up her cell only to realize she didn’t recognize the number on the screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Pamela. It is Miguel.”

  Pam felt an unfamiliar swirling in her stomach, which she refused to analyze. It wasn’t the poor man’s fault that he had a delicious voice.

  “Hello, Miguel. How can I help you? Is something wrong with Zoe?”

  “No. Not that I know of.”

  Oh. Okay. So why was he calling?

  “I enjoyed our conversation at my daughter’s barbecue,” he told her. “I thought we could continue it over dinner.”

  She blinked a couple of times as she considered his statement. She was pretty sure he was inviting her to dinner, which was weird. Maybe he needed advice about redecorating or something.

  “Um, sure. We could do that. When and where?”

  He suggested a date and time. Pam checked her calendar and said she was free.

  “I’ll see you then,” she said. “Goodbye.”

  After ending the call, she looked at Lulu. “That was very strange. I wonder if it’s Zoe birthday and he wants help buying a present.” Lulu didn’t seem to have an opinion.

  Curiouser and curiouser, Pam thought. Whatever the reason, she would enjoy the evening with a very attractive man. She smiled. When she met with her friends in Phoenix, she would have a fun story to tell, and wouldn’t that be nice?

  Chapter Seven

  “Your dad said he liked me better than Chad.”

  Zoe picked up her wineglass, put it down and sighed. “Please tell me you’re kidding.” Although she was pretty sure he wasn’t. She could see she needed to have a serious conversation with her father. There were personal boundaries he wasn’t supposed to cross.

  Steven smiled at her from across the table. They were having dinner in Redondo Beach. Kincaid’s was a nice pier restaurant that featured great steaks and seafood.

  “Your dad mentioned it at the barbecue.” Steven grinned. “Something along the lines of a gruff ‘you seem better than Chad.’”

  Which was so like her father. “I’m going to kill him.”

  “I doubt that. You two get along great and he’s a nice guy. So, Chad. You two were together a long time.”

  “Five years.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  She didn’t. Mostly she wanted to forget everything about the relationship. Only he’d been a part of her life and she knew that she had to understand her past or she would be at risk of repeating it.

  “We met on the 405 freeway when I got a flat.” She held up her hand. “I swear, that’s exactly what happened. He pulled over and helped me. He said he was a master mechanic and he fixed my tire, then he invited me to dinner.”

  “Taking advantage of the situation. You have to respect that.”

  “An interesting way of looking at things.”

  “I’m an interesting guy. So you went out.”

  “We did. He was the perfect boyfriend, or so I thought. He was busy with work. He worked at a very upscale garage. They handle luxury cars with demanding clientele. So he was always traveling to work on cars in exotic locations.”

  Steven frowned. “They don’t have local mechanics there?”

  “Yes, well, it turns out they do. Chad wasn’t traveling—he was married, with two kids.”

  She still remembered when she’d finally figured out the truth. How shocked she’d been. No, more than that. “I was devastated and humiliated. I thought I was so smart and together. I thought he was the one.”

  Steven’s gaze turned sympathetic. “I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too. It was horrible. I broke up with him immediately and that lasted about six months. Then he showed up on my doorstep and told me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. More important, he was getting a divorce.”

  “Was he?”

  She nodded. “I wouldn’t believe him at first. He showed me the paperwork, took me to meet his lawyer, and when the divorce was really final, he had me speak with the judge. He meant it. He was all-in.”

  She wondered how the story sounded. Did she sound like she’d been sensible or had she been a fool? She knew the answer, of course, but from outside—how did it look?

  “That’s about when my mom died. I didn’t have the strength to fight him anymore. I’m not saying that as an excuse. I needed someone to lean on and he was there. So we got back together. I bought the house, foolishly thinking it would be our home. We planned how the bedrooms would be for the kids and what our life would be like. A few months later, I was offered the full-time job writing manuals. It was a lot more money than teaching and what with Chad and I getting married and starting a family, it made sense.”

  Steven stared at her. “You were engaged?”

  “Only in my mind. One day I realized that I’d only met his kids twice in the past year. He said he wanted them to adjust after the divorce, which I got, but twice in a year? I pushed, he pushed back. I realized we weren’t having the same relationship. He wasn’t looking for things to be different between us. He liked the status quo. So I broke up with him again and that’s it.”

  “He let you go?”

  She thought about their last few conversations. “He’s tried to win me back, but there’s no point. We want different things. I thought I loved him, but now I’m questioning that. Love is supposed to be a positive thing. With him, my world got smaller, not bigger. I made so many bad choices.”

  “The house?”

  “Not that. I really like it.” She smiled. “Except when the attic tries to kill me.”

  “I’m going to fix those stairs.”

  “I wasn’t hinting. I’ll be more careful next time.” She sipped her wine. “I wonder if I made the right decision quitting teaching. There ar
e parts I miss and parts I’m grateful not to have to deal with. But I do wonder.”

  “You could go back.”

  “I don’t know if I want to. So I’m thinking on it.” She rested her hands on the table. “I hate that I was that girl. The one who built her life around a man. I thought I was smarter than that.”

  “You believed in him. He’s the one who lied to you, Zoe. You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “You’re being nice. Thank you.”

  “I’m being honest. At least you put yourself out there. I never did. I was more into the flavor of the month. I’m not proud of that.”

  “Maybe not, but you had fun.”

  His mouth twitched. “Maybe a little.”

  Their server brought their salads. Zoe picked up her fork.

  “Now that I think about it, I sort of remember you having one date for Jen’s rehearsal dinner and a different one for the wedding.”

  “I honestly can’t remember.”

  “We could ask your mom. I’ll bet she knows for sure.” Her voice was teasing.

  “Yeah, let’s not do that.” He looked at her. “Chad’s really gone?”

  “As gone as gone can be. I have no feelings for him. Not anger, not anything. I’ve totally moved on.”

  “Good to know.”

  * * *

  Thursday after Jack was in bed, Jen walked into the kitchen. Her phone was on the counter and she saw she had another text message from Zoe. While part of Jen wanted to stay mad, the truth was she missed her friend. And maybe, just maybe, she had been a little too focused on Jack. Not that she was going to stop worrying about him, but it was important for her to maintain her friendships. If nothing else, she needed the support.

  I get where you were coming from. Let’s meet up next week and talk.

  She pushed the send button and felt a little of her ever-present tension ease. She was still furious with her mother, but that was different. It was easier to stay mad at her.

  Kirk walked into the kitchen. “You okay?” he asked.

  “I’ve decided to forgive Zoe.”

  Emotions flashed across his face, but he didn’t speak.

  “What?” she demanded. “You don’t think I should stay mad at her, do you?”

  “I don’t think you should have been mad in the first place. They’re only trying to help.”

  “By telling me not to worry about Jack? By judging me? How is that helpful?”

  “Jen, I don’t want to fight with you.”

  She waited, sensing there was more.

  “You are a little obsessed with the baby. We’ve talked about this.”

  She stiffened, emotionally slapped by the unfairness of the statement. “I’m not. I’m concerned about a developmental issue. Would you like it better if I wasn’t worried? If I didn’t take care of things? Maybe we should let him play with matches and drink cleaning solvent. Would that be better?”

  “Don’t get upset.”

  “How is that possible? You expect me to take care of him all day long while you’re at work, and then you complain about how I do it. Where’s the win?”

  “I’m sorry I said anything.”

  “Me, too, but you did. So just finish it. There’s more. I know there is.” There always was.

  “Fine. You want to know what I think? You need to lighten up.”

  There was that phrase again. Had there been a memo?

  “I’m your son’s only advocate.”

  “He doesn’t need one. What he needs is a mother who has a life. Interests outside of him. You’re in this house too much. Put Jack in day care and get out.”

  What? She couldn’t believe it. “Have you been talking to Dr. Miller behind my back?”

  “No. Of course not. Why?” He shook his head. “Dammit, Jen, are you telling me that’s what the doctor said? You never mentioned it.”

  She folded her arms across her chest and told herself she had no reason to feel guilty. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d been to the pediatrician and there was nothing new to report. “What is there to say? You obviously know everything already.”

  “I didn’t talk to her. Ask Lucas.”

  “Like I’d believe him.”

  “What did Dr. Miller tell you?”

  She pressed her lips together. “She said there was nothing wrong with Jack and that I should put in him a playgroup or day care so he could socialize with other children.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You don’t think that’s something I would want to know?”

  “Of course, it’s just...”

  He waited.

  “I knew you’d judge me,” she blurted. “You already think I’m losing my mind.”

  “I don’t. I think you’re too intense. I think you have too much time to worry. We talked about you going back to work. You wanted to put that off, but I’m wondering if that was a good idea.”

  She held in a shriek. “He’s only eighteen months old. Do you want him with strangers five days a week? How could we trust that? Them? What about all the germs, the diseases? He’s our child. We have to protect him.”

  “We can’t keep him cooped up in this house forever. At some point he has to get out in the world.”

  Kirk didn’t get it. She couldn’t believe what he was suggesting. It was as if all she’d worked for didn’t matter.

  “You think he’s fine,” she said, fighting tears. “What if you’re wrong? What if he needs us but we’re too busy putting him in day care to notice?”

  “What if he is fine?” Her husband shook his head. “I don’t know, Jen. Are you defining yourself by having a child with problems? I’ll ask you the opposite. Who will you be if our son is perfectly okay?”

  She would have preferred he slap her, she thought as her heart cracked. “How could you?”

  She spun on her heel and ran from the room. She locked herself in the guest bathroom and sank to the floor. Thank goodness she hadn’t told Kirk she wanted to have sex with him last week. She was never having sex with him again. Why was he being so mean to her? Why didn’t he understand?

  Even as she cried, she half listened for Kirk to come to the door and tell her he was sorry. To beg her to forgive him. Only he never did.

  * * *

  Zoe patted Lulu. The Chinese crested had settled on her lap. Today’s fashion statement was a lilac sweater dress that came nearly to her butt. The April weather had taken a chilly turn, with low clouds and fog that never cleared. The constant dampness made it seem colder than it was.

  Pam poured them each a mug of tea and carried it over to the sofa in her condo living room.

  “Have you talked to Jen?” Pam asked, sitting down.

  “We’ve texted. We’re getting together this week.”

  “Good. She and I haven’t said a word to each other. That child of mine. She can be so frustrating. I worry about her.” Pam grimaced. “I should have listened to you about the intervention. It was a disaster. I never wanted her upset. But of course she won’t see that.” She sipped her tea. “It’s not easy being a parent.”

  “I’m sure my dad would agree with you.”

  Pam smiled. “I doubt that. You seem to be a perfectly wonderful daughter.”

  Zoe appreciated the compliment, even though she wasn’t sure she deserved it. “I have my flaws. He could tell you all about them.”

  “I’m sure he will,” she said, her voice teasing. “I’m seeing him for dinner tonight.”

  Zoe did her best to keep her mouth from hanging open. “What? I’m mean, oh, wow. I didn’t know you were dating.” Pam and her dad? Not that Pam wasn’t great, but Miguel tended to favor younger women. Although, as he’d pointed out, he hadn’t done that in a while.

  “Dating?” Pam laughed. “
We’re not. I can assure you of that. Dating. I don’t date. He wants to talk to me about something.” Her smile turned impish. “Do you have a birthday coming up? Want me to drop any hints?”

  “No birthdays anytime soon.”

  Miguel wanted to have dinner with Pam? That was unexpected. Maybe he was looking for female friendship. Pam was funny and nice. Occasionally intense, but not in a bad way.

  “You’ll have to tell me how it goes,” she said.

  “Promise. Now about why you stopped by... I’ve been thinking.”

  Zoe had called Pam a couple of days ago and asked if they could talk about her future. She was feeling a bit at sea these days.

  “Me, too,” Zoe said. “You go first.”

  “Your job pays the bills and that’s important. So quitting isn’t an option. Am I right?”

  Zoe continued to stroke Lulu and nodded.

  “But your work isn’t exactly full-time, so you have time to explore other things. I would suggest you start to think about what else you can do to feel more fulfilled in the short term while you explore your long-term options.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Zoe admitted. “I was assuming I had to know what to do next. But you’re right—I don’t.”

  Pam picked up a pad of paper from the end table. “I did some brainstorming. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course not.”

  “Short term. You liked certain aspects of teaching but not others. So you don’t know if you want to go back or not. Right?”

  Zoe nodded.

  “What about substitute teaching? You would certainly qualify. You can work a few days a week or a month without making a big commitment. That way you can decide if you really miss it or if you’re remembering wrong.”

  “I never thought of substitute teaching.” The idea was appealing. No yearlong commitment and she could try different grades. Maybe see if she had more interest in older or younger kids. “I like that.”

  “Good. We’re just getting started. What about grad school? Is there a subject that interests you? You could audit a few classes at the undergraduate level to help you decide a direction.” She glanced down at the paper. “There are online tests to help you determine your interests and give career options. I think taking a few of those would be good for you. Maybe you want to write a book or volunteer or work in your father’s company.”