A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  “Goodbye, Pamela.”

  And just like that, he was gone and she was alone—again.

  * * *

  Although Steven had warned her that Pam wasn’t in a good place about the pregnancy, Zoe was determined to talk to her about it. Whatever happened with Steven, she and Pam were still friends. At least she hoped they were. So she dressed for Nicole’s class and made her way to Mischief in Motion. Maybe sweating together for an hour would give Zoe the courage to approach Pam.

  When she arrived at the exercise studio, she found Pam was already there. The other woman stiffened when she saw her, as if surprised. She gave a tight smile before turning away. Not exactly the warm greeting Zoe had been hoping for, but at least Pam didn’t disappear.

  Fifty minutes and much muscle trembling later, Zoe gathered her limp self together and walked over to Pam.

  “Hi,” she said, hoping she sounded braver than she felt. “I know this is awkward, but I really miss us hanging out. I was hoping we could figure out a middle ground.”

  Pam collected her tote. Zoe did the same and they walked out together.

  “I’m not sure there is any,” Pam told her when they reached the sidewalk. “My main concern is Steven.”

  Which kind of hurt but made sense. “He’s your son. I get that. You know I didn’t plan this, right? It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  “You still slept with Chad. You could have used a condom and you didn’t. I thought only my generation was irresponsible.”

  The unfair judgment made her eyes burn. “Is that what you think?”

  “I don’t know what I think,” Pam told her. “Are you going to marry Chad? It’s what your father wants.”

  “Why are you talking to me like this? Why aren’t you being my friend?”

  “Because at the end of the day, Steven is family and you’re not. I have to take care of him. I have to keep him safe. I want him to be happy and that can’t happen with you. I’m sorry, Zoe. Bringing you two together was a mistake. One I wish I could undo.”

  Zoe told herself the pain was just hormonal and that she didn’t actually care what Pam thought. Sure they’d become friends, but for what? Five minutes? She had other people. She didn’t need Pam.

  Only Zoe had come to see Pam as a surrogate mother. Jen was Zoe’s best friend. Was Pam going to get between them, as well? Because Pam was making it clear she was going to try to keep Steven from making what she saw as a huge mistake with his life.

  “I didn’t plan this,” Zoe repeated. “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

  “No one thinks you did. My problem is I know what it’s like to have a child, Zoe. I know how things change. There’s no way this is right for Steven. I’m sorry you’re going to have to go through this alone, but that’s the way things are.”

  Lulu popped her head out of Pam’s tote just then and gave a little bark. Zoe didn’t know if the dog was greeting her or telling her off. Based on how things had gone thus far, it wasn’t hard to pick.

  “Pam, please,” Zoe pleaded. “I really need you. I want us to stay friends.”

  Pam’s expression hardened. “It’s better if we don’t. I’m sorry, Zoe. Goodbye.”

  * * *

  If Jen could just figure out a way to have sex with her husband, her life would be perfect. Okay, not perfect. If Jack could talk and she could figure out a way to have sex with Kirk, then her life would be perfect. Seriously. But neither was happening, and to be honest, she was starting to be more concerned about the sex.

  She couldn’t remember how long it had been. That wasn’t happy news. And if she couldn’t remember, he couldn’t either. Unless he was getting it somewhere else.

  “Don’t go there,” she told herself as she peeled off the brightening facial mask she’d applied twenty minutes before. Lucas would have said something. God knew he wasn’t afraid of speaking the truth.

  So if Kirk wasn’t having sex with some chickie, then she could win him back. She rubbed the leftover serum into her skin and decided that “winning him back” wasn’t the right phrase. She could reignite the spark.

  Which was what this morning was about. Kirk was off and he and Lucas had taken Jack to the POP to give her some alone time. She’d put it to good use. She’d shaved her legs, done the mask and was now going to apply the scented body lotion Kirk liked. They had the whole day together. She planned to be flirty and fun, with just enough touching to leave him panting. Okay, maybe not panting, but in the mood. That was what she wanted for today. The promise of good things to come tonight.

  As she applied her makeup, she thought about the other changes she wanted to make in her life. To be honest, the staying at home with a toddler thing was starting to get to her. A few months ago she’d been terrified at the thought of going back to work, but sometime in the past few weeks, she’d really started to miss teaching. Maybe it was hearing about Zoe’s substitute teaching. She’d always enjoyed her students and the challenges of making sometimes boring material interesting. She liked having summers off. But going back to work meant putting Jack in day care and that was a problem she had yet to solve.

  She dressed. Early May wasn’t stiflingly hot, but the temperature had definitely gone up by a couple of degrees. She decided on light blue crop pants with a matching tank. She slipped on a crisp, white, short-sleeved shirt and left it open, then pulled the hot rollers out of her hair.

  “And we’re done,” she whispered.

  She thought she looked pretty good. Not fancy, but rested and pretty. The mask had worked its magic on her skin. She was more wholesome than sexy, but Kirk was a girl-next-door kind of guy and that should appeal to him. Later, she could show him her bad girl moves.

  She went into the kitchen and downed as much water as she could without gagging. While she hated to admit it, the simple instructions Alana had given her seemed to be working. She’d taken to having her fifteen minutes of quiet time while Jack napped. Just being still and letting her mind wander was much more refreshing than a frantic attempt to get her mile-long list of chores done. Her blood work had come back showing she was low on several vitamins, including iron and D, which would make her tired and more prone to anxiety.

  She liked that she was taking care of herself. It felt good. She’d been so focused on Jack for so long that she’d somehow gotten lost. There had to be a place somewhere between being self-consumed and being a martyr, and she hoped she’d found it.

  She prepared the marinade for the flank steak they were barbecuing that night, then checked the clock. “The boys” were due back by eleven-thirty. She’d already made chicken salad for lunch. She would guess that Lucas was going to be exhausted by the outing and would crash for the afternoon. Hmm, Jack would take a nap, as well. Maybe the seduction didn’t have to wait until tonight.

  She heard the sound of the SUV pulling into the garage and felt a little quiver low in her belly. She touched the spot and grinned. There was a blast from the past, she thought happily. Nice to know she still had those feelings for her husband.

  She walked toward the mudroom to greet everyone. Kirk came in first, Jack in his arms. She took one look at Kirk’s happy expression and started to laugh.

  “What?” she asked. “You’re pleased about something. What is it?”

  Lucas stepped around him. “You’d be lousy at poker, bro. This is a family thing. I’m going to my room.”

  Jen had no idea why Lucas felt he had to leave, but she let it go. She hurried over and took her son, who held out his arms for her and laughed. She pulled him close.

  “Well?”

  Kirk pulled her into the family room and onto the sofa. “Look!” He pulled out his phone and spooled up a video.

  Jack squirmed to get down and ran over to sit by his low toy box. He began pulling out his trucks and cars. Obviously he wasn’t the least bit impresse
d by whatever Kirk wanted to show her.

  “Here.” Kirk pushed a button on his phone and a video began to play.

  She stared at the screen. Jack was running around at the POP, on the grass. Not by the playground, but off to the side. A woman walked by with two dogs. Labs, she would guess. Jack clapped and pointed.

  “Dogs. Big dogs. See, Daddy?”

  Her heart stopped. Actually stopped beating. The world went dark, then bright, bright white before tilting and finally righting itself. Relief was warm and sweet and so very welcome.

  She stared at Kirk, who was watching her happily.

  “He spoke?” Tears filled her eyes as she looked from the video to her son, then back at Kirk. “He spoke?”

  “He did.”

  She began to laugh and hurried to Jack, then dropped down beside him. “You can do it! I knew you could. Oh, Jack!” She hugged him tight, then tickled him. He laughed and put his arms around her. “Big kiss.”

  He pressed his tiny toddler lips to hers, then squirmed away. She pointed to the truck. “What is that, Jack? Can you tell Mommy what that is?”

  He smiled at her, then put his fingers against his mouth in a motion she knew to mean he was hungry.

  “You want lunch? Okay, we can eat. But can you tell me what that is?” She pointed to the truck again.

  He only smiled.

  “I don’t understand,” she said to Kirk. “Why won’t he talk?”

  “Why does it matter? There’s more on the video, Jen. He chatted up a storm. He can talk. That’s the important thing.”

  She knew he was right, but still, why was Jack silent now?

  “He’ll talk when he’s ready,” Kirk assured her. “It’ll be any second now.”

  She nodded, but was less sure. Jack was her baby. Shouldn’t he talk around her the most?

  She got lunch ready and called Lucas to join them. All through the meal, she tried to get Jack to talk, but he only smiled and waved and did his gesturing that was so clear to her. She understood him completely, but still, she wanted the words.

  After his nap, she sent Kirk in to wake him. She waited in the hall, where Jack couldn’t see her. Kirk pulled their son out of his crib.

  “Did you have a good nap?”

  “Yes!”

  Jen’s heart fluttered as she heard the word. She stepped into the room.

  “Hi, sweetie.”

  Jack grinned and waved, but didn’t speak.

  By eight that night, she had to accept the truth. Her son would talk—just not around her. With her he used their special physical communication.

  “I don’t get it,” she told Kirk when they’d retreated to their bedroom. “What am I doing wrong?”

  “You’re not doing anything wrong. He doesn’t need to talk to you, Jen. You know exactly what he wants. But at least we know he can talk.”

  How could he not see that wasn’t good enough? “So you think I hover. That I’m keeping him from talking.”

  “I don’t mean it like that. You’re a great mom.”

  “No, I’m not. A great mom wouldn’t have a son who won’t talk to her. A great mom would have figured this out weeks ago. I’m terrible and useless. Everything is awful.”

  She knew she was saying everything wrong and that she would regret saying all this later, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

  “I’ve made this happen,” she continued. “I’m the problem. You and Lucas have him for fifteen minutes and suddenly he’s fine. I’m with him all day long and I couldn’t fix anything. I hate this. It’s not fair. It’s not right. What’s wrong with me?”

  She hurried out of the room. But there was nowhere to go, she thought grimly as she brushed away tears. She wasn’t about to run out on her family. She had her husband and her son. Her son, whom she loved more than anything on earth. Her son, who would talk to anyone but her.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Zoe told herself to live in the moment. To not ask questions when she was hopeful but also terrified of the answer. Still, when a handsome man showed up with a bottle of sparkling cider, the nonalcoholic kind, and settled in as if he planned to spend the evening, it was hard not to hope.

  They were out on the small patio, sitting in lounge chairs next to each other. It was about an hour until sunset and the sky was that perfect blue right before the orange color. Mason lay in a patch of sun, his tail flicking every now and then, as if he, too, wanted to know.

  Zoe glanced at Steven. “Not that I don’t appreciate the company, but why are you here?”

  He chuckled, then drank some of his cider. “I wondered how long it would take you to ask.”

  “Still waiting.”

  He reached for her hand. “I heard you talked to my mom.”

  She grimaced. “I’m not sure I would call it a conversation.” The memory still hurt. She’d honest to God thought that she and Pam were friends. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “I’m trying to see her side,” she said with a sigh. “You’re her son and she loves you. She’s looking out for you. But wow, was she very clear on her thoughts. She really doesn’t like me.”

  He squeezed her fingers before releasing her hand. “She likes you fine, but she’s worried about me.”

  “That woman has some serious Mama Bear in her. I would not want to get between her and one of you ever.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to do what she says? You’re going to break up with me?”

  She put down her drink and turned until she was facing him. She put her feet firmly on the ground. Mostly to steady herself but also to be able to flee if necessary. Because sometimes a girl had to bolt. What with being pregnant and all, she could pretend she was going to throw up, and wasn’t that convenient?

  “It’s not my decision to make,” she said carefully. “You said you needed time. That’s about you, not me.”

  “And if I still want to see you?”

  Her heart gave a little thud. “That would be nice.”

  He smiled. “I was hoping for more than nice.” The smile faded as he turned toward her. “Zoe, I do want to keep seeing you. I’ve thought about what you told me. I know it’s not going to be easy. You’re dealing with a lot. The pregnancy is complicated but not a deal breaker. I like you. I think we have something special and I don’t want to lose that.”

  What on earth had she done to deserve a guy this great? she wondered. Maybe she’d saved kittens in a previous life.

  “Are you sure? Because I don’t know what’s going to happen with Chad and everyone else. Your mom is going to be really mad. I don’t want her hating me. Or you, although I guess she really wouldn’t hate you for long. You’re her son. But I’m pregnant. You have to get that, Steven. I’m going to get fat and my ankles are going to swell and we won’t be able to have sex for a long time and when all that is done, there will be a baby and while I’d love for you to be involved, I don’t know how much you want and you’re not the biological father and I don’t know if that matters.”

  She paused for breath. While she was inhaling, he leaned in and kissed her.

  “That’s a lot,” he whispered.

  “It is. I want you to be prepared.”

  “There’s no preparing for that.” He kissed her again. “I’m going to have to wing it.”

  He leaned back in his chaise. “What about those raised plant beds you were talking about? We should get on that. You’ll want fresh, organic fruits and vegetables for yourself and later for the baby. Do you have a tape measure? I need you to show me where you want them. I need to do some research to be sure, but I’m guessing the supplies are easy enough to get at the hardware store. The local nursery should have organic soil, but we’ll have to make sure we get the right kind for growing food.” He looked at her. “Unless
you’re going to use it for flowers?”

  She blinked. “No. I was thinking vegetables and maybe some berries.”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  She shifted until she was stretched out again and did her best not to ask yet again if he was sure. Steven had decided. For reasons not the least bit clear to her, he wanted to stay involved. She told herself to simply accept him at his word and be happy.

  Still, she couldn’t help asking, “What are you going to tell your mom?”

  “I don’t think she has an opinion on your plant beds.”

  “Steven!”

  He shrugged. “I’ll talk to her. She’s not going to make me choose, Zoe. She’s a smart lady. She’ll come around.”

  “And if she doesn’t?”

  “Let’s worry about that if it happens, okay?”

  “But that’s so logical.”

  “Take a walk on the wild side.”

  “I did that once and now I’m pregnant.”

  He laughed. “Speaking of that, when’s your next doctor’s appointment?”

  “I have my very first official visit on Monday. When I went before, it was more of an assessment than a hey, you’re having a baby kind of thing.”

  “Can I come with you?”

  She looked at him. “To the doctor?”

  “Uh-huh. I want to be there through everything.”

  “Why?”

  He reached for her hand again. “Zoe, I care about you. Haven’t I been clear on that? You’re pregnant. I’m going to do what I can to help.” He swore. “Do we have to wait for the visit to make love?”

  She felt her mouth drop open. She consciously closed it before telling herself that bursting into tears would only frighten him. Stupid hormones. But how else was she supposed to react to a man who not only wanted to keep dating her, he wanted to go through the pregnancy with her and have sex with her?

  “We’re allowed to do it,” she told him. “It’s okay.”

  “Do it?” He raised his eyebrows. “Is that how you think of our emotional and physical joining as we become one? I’m just a sex toy? An object? I don’t matter at all?”