A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  She held in a giggle. “I believe the correct phrase is boy toy. A sex toy generally has a battery.”

  He pulled his hand away and sighed heavily. “You’re using me for sex. I’m crushed.”

  “Too crushed to get it up?”

  He turned toward her. “Never that. Should I prove it to you right now?”

  She put down her drink and held out her arms. “Yes, please.”

  * * *

  Pam decided the world had gone mad. There was no other explanation. Despite knowing better, Steven had yet to call her and apologize for what he’d said. She hadn’t heard from Miguel and as for Zoe, well, she wasn’t going to think about her anymore. Zoe was the source of all the trouble.

  After feeling at loose ends for several days, Pam decided she needed a little time with her favorite grandson and went over to Jen’s. Her daughter opened the front door.

  “Hi. Did I know you were coming by?”

  “No. I should have called. Is this a bad time?”

  Jen let her and Lulu into the house. “It’s fine. Jack is down for his nap and Lucas is watching some horrible daytime television. He’s become totally addicted to those weird talk shows where everyone overshares.”

  They walked through to the family room. Pam crossed to the slider and let Lulu out. Her little girl had gone potty before they left, but she didn’t want to take a chance. Not with Jen being so uptight about keeping the house perfect.

  Pam sat in the sunroom. Jen had changed out the cushions last summer. The new pattern was nice. Not what she would have chosen, but still very pretty.

  Jen picked up a few of Jack’s toys and put them in the toy box. Her movements were deliberate, as if she had something on her mind. Pam knew her children well and could guess that Jen was once again going to obsess about Jack. Pam decided to speak before Jen could get started.

  “Have you talked to Zoe?” she asked, hoping she sounded more casual than she felt.

  “What? Not in the last day or so. I did before. Why? Is everything okay?”

  “How would I know? I’m not speaking with her.”

  Jen frowned. “Why would you say that? Because she’s pregnant? Mom, you know it’s not her fault, right?”

  “She had sex with Chad.”

  “So? It was a post-breakup thing. It happens.” Jen studied her. “You didn’t say anything to her, did you?”

  “I said she should stay away from Steven. That he deserved better.”

  “Oh, my God!” Her daughter stared at her. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  “I’m not. Why would I be? You know it’s going to be a nightmare. Chad won’t go away. She was in love with him before. What if she decides she’s still in love with him? Then where will Steven be? He’s better off ending things now. Before they get out of hand.”

  “Is that what you really think?”

  “Why are you surprised?”

  “Because it’s mean and not like you at all.”

  Pam shifted in her seat. Her daughter’s steady gaze seemed very judgy. “I’m doing what’s best.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Stop looking at me like that.”

  Jen shook her head. “I honestly don’t know what to say. Steven can take care of himself, Mom. We all can. You made sure of that. You should trust him.” She hesitated. “Is this about Dad?”

  “What does your father have to do with anything?” Pam thought about adding that John would agree with her, only she was suddenly less sure about that.

  “You lost him suddenly. It was hard on you.” Her voice gentled. “You can’t protect us from the bad stuff in life, Mom. Steven knows what he’s doing. You should be on his side in this and on Zoe’s.”

  “Steven’s family. Zoe is not.”

  “Zoe’s my friend. I thought she was your friend, too.”

  “You’re looking at this all wrong,” Pam told her, frustrated that she couldn’t make anyone understand why this was so important. “They’ve only been dating a few months. So what if they break up? It was probably going to happen anyway. It’s not like Steven has a great track record when it comes to relationships, and based on Chad, Zoe’s taste can’t be trusted.”

  “What on earth is wrong with you, Mom? You sound so vicious and heartless.”

  “I’m being practical.”

  “You’re being a bitch.”

  Pam stared at her daughter. “You don’t get to speak to me that way.”

  “Then stop acting so awful. What’s wrong with you? Zoe made one mistake and now she’s dealing with it. She could have had an abortion, but she decided to keep the baby. I would think you would respect that and her. She’s a good person. If she and Steven fall in love, then they’re both really fortunate to have found each other.”

  “You couldn’t be more wrong. Steven has no idea what he’s doing.”

  “He’s a grown man. Leave him alone. I have to say, I’m totally shocked by what you’re saying.”

  “I’m protecting my family.”

  “Is that what you’re calling it?” Jen shook her head. “You always taught us to think about other people. To imagine what they were going through and to act out of compassion. I guess that was all a load of crap.”

  Pam shifted in her seat. “This is different.”

  “It’s not. It’s exactly the same. Zoe’s my friend, Mom. Whatever happens, I’m going to be there for her. If you don’t like that, I’m sorry. You couldn’t be more wrong about this. About all of it.” She rose. “You need to be careful. Because if you push Steven too hard, you risk losing him. I mean it, Mom. This is bad.”

  Pam felt herself flush. She didn’t like being talked down to by anyone. She wasn’t wrong. She knew exactly what she was doing and saying.

  “Steven needs someone to get him to see sense,” she said as she stood.

  “Is that your plan?” Jen asked, putting her hands on her hips. “Before you try and possibly ruin your relationship with your son, let me remind you that the only reason he would consider taking on Zoe and the baby is because of what you and Dad taught us. You always said we were to see the best in people and give them a chance. I guess that’s more crap, right?”

  Lulu trotted into the sunroom. Jen scooped her up and held her. “It’s been a hell of a week, Mom. There’s stuff going on here that—” She kissed Lulu, then handed her over. “Never mind. I don’t want to know what you think about anything. You’re wrong about Zoe and you’re wrong about Steven. But you’re going to have to figure that out for yourself.”

  Pam took her dog and started for the front door. “I can’t believe you’re taking her side in this.”

  “That makes two of us who are shocked right now.”

  Pam got into her SUV and put her hands on the wheel. She was shaking and felt a little sick to her stomach. What was wrong with Jen? Why couldn’t she see the impending disaster? Was everyone blind but her?

  She paused and glanced upward, once again missing her husband. If John were here, he would know what to say. He would get through to Steven and convince him no woman was worth years of unhappiness. John would tell him—

  For a second Pam had the thought that John might very well be telling her something very close to what Jen had said. That she needed to back off. That no matter how she tried, she couldn’t protect her children from everything and that they had to be free to live their lives. Even if that meant walking into what was—at least to her—a disaster waiting to happen.

  “No,” Pam said aloud. “I won’t. If Steven refuses to see the obvious, I have to show him why he’s wrong.”

  Whatever it cost to keep him safe, the price would be worth it.

  * * *

  Jen stretched out on the grass in her backyard. The day was sunny, the air warm, the sky blue. Sh
e told herself to revel in that. To enjoy the moment, to be one with nature.

  Which was all a bunch of nonsense. She was furious. There wasn’t a cell in her body that wasn’t vibrating with rage and the worst part was she had absolutely nowhere to put the anger. She couldn’t be pissed at her son. Jack was a toddler and doing his toddler thing. Kirk was only the messenger. What had happened wasn’t his fault either. She’d tried to tell him that, but they’d both known she wasn’t happy. Her great dreams of seduction had burned up in a fire of resentment. All these days later she was still dealing with too much emotion and a lot of self-loathing.

  Jack knelt next to her, moving his truck over the recently mowed grass. Next to him was the ridiculous guitar that he loved. Lucas dozed in the sunroom. Zoe sat next to her on the grass, her gaze fixed on the video Jen had showed her.

  “I don’t know what to say,” her friend admitted. “You must be relieved.” The words were more question than statement.

  “You can say it,” Jen told her. “We’re all thinking it.”

  “No.”

  “Yes. It’s my fault. I’m so attentive that he doesn’t need to talk around me. I went online and read about the phenomenon. Usually it happens between siblings who are close in age. The older sibling can read what the younger one wants and takes care of things. So the baby doesn’t have to talk. I’ve done that with Jack.” She sat up and covered her face with her hands. “I’m a helicopter mom.”

  “You’re not.”

  “Pretty close. I hover. I anticipate. I worry. I’m the reason Jack won’t talk.”

  “But he does talk.”

  “Not to me.”

  Jen had tried all weekend. She’d withheld toys a second or two, hoping to get Jack to ask for them. There hadn’t been a single word. She’d left him with Lucas for a couple of hours and Lucas’s guilty expression upon her return had told her that the boy had chatted up a storm.

  “I’m a failure.”

  Zoe hugged her. “You’re a wonderful mom and he’s lucky to have you. You take really good care of him.”

  “I’m smothering him. Learn from my mistakes. I mean that. I’m a disaster.”

  So much for meditating and drinking water, she thought grimly. Those practices might be helping her, but they weren’t doing anything for her son.

  She lowered her voice. “I really hate this. I have so much negative energy and I can’t find a place for it. I’m terrified I’m going to snap or something.”

  Zoe shook her head. “You’re going to be okay. Now that you understand what’s going on, you can relax about Jack. Then you can start to relax about everything else. The big picture issue is solved. Can you hang on to that?”

  Jen nodded even though she was lying. The truth of what had gone wrong circled in her head like a hamster on a wheel. She couldn’t escape it. But that didn’t mean everyone else wanted to talk about her problems. She shifted so she was sitting cross-legged.

  “You’re right about the big picture. Jack can talk. That’s what matters most.” She faked a smile, convincingly she hoped. “Enough about my stuff. What’s new with you? How are you feeling? Still good?”

  “I haven’t been sick at all. I feel kind of guilty about that.”

  Jen laughed. “Be grateful. Hormones are powerful little suckers. Don’t worry. There is plenty of unpleasantness to be had in the rest of your pregnancy. Enjoy this part of it while you can. Did you see the doctor?”

  “Yesterday.” Zoe’s mouth twisted. “Since we know the exact date of conception, it wasn’t hard to calculate my due date. I’ve already had the first ultrasound and everything looks good. She told me to continue gestating and be happy.”

  Easy advice for the doctor to give, Jen thought. She suspected it was more difficult for Zoe to take.

  “How are you doing with that last one?”

  “Being happy? I don’t know. Things are complicated. Chad wants to talk to me.”

  “He knows?”

  “Yeah. I told him. He said he needed some time to think about it. I told him I was okay with him giving up his child, but I don’t think he’s going to go for that. I’ve spoken to a lawyer. If Chad’s staying in my life, I want to get the parenting plan in place as early as possible. While the baby is still a theory.”

  “Less is more?” Jen asked.

  Zoe hesitated. “I want to be fair, but less would be great. He doesn’t have custody of his other two children. I don’t think he’ll want custody of ours. He sees them every other weekend and for part of the time on the holidays. So I’m hoping for something similar.”

  “Will he want to spend every other weekend with a newborn?”

  “I don’t know and as I plan to breast-feed, I don’t know how he can. We’ll have to figure it out.” Zoe plucked at the grass. “Are you mad at me?”

  “What? No! Why would I be? You’re my friend. I’ll support you in every way I can.” She pointed to the stack of books she’d put out in the sunroom. “Would I be offering you my well-read collection of pregnancy books if I was mad?”

  Zoe smiled. “No, and I had no idea that you owned so many.”

  Jen looked at the pile of over a dozen books. “I guess it is a lot. Maybe start with two or three. I’ll show you my favorites.”

  “Steven already bought me What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It’s very detailed.”

  “A great resource, though. You’ll love that one. They walk you through your pregnancy, month by month.”

  Jack stood up and waved at her. Jen opened her arms and her son ran to her. She pulled him close, turning him so he sat between her crossed legs.

  “So, you’re still seeing Steven,” she said, as casually as she could.

  “Yes.” Zoe eyed her. “What are you thinking?”

  “That you’re far too good for him.” Jen smiled. “Seriously, I’m happy. Dad’s death changed us all. Steven finally had to finish growing up. He’s given up his bimbo-of-the-week dating and has been looking for someone for a while. I’m glad he found you.”

  Zoe didn’t look convinced. “Even though I’m pregnant with Chad’s baby?”

  “Even though. I know there will be issues, but every relationship has problems. You two know what you’re getting into and can plan accordingly. Everyone I know who has stepkids says the worst part is they didn’t have any say when the kids were young. Steven will be with you and the baby from birth. He’ll be a part of things.”

  If he and Zoe got serious enough to get married and later there was a divorce, then Steven would be screwed. Stepfathers rarely got to see their stepkids again. But her brother was a smart guy—he would know the risks. If he wanted to be with Zoe, then she was going to support that.

  “Thanks for that,” Zoe told her. She tickled the bottom of Jack’s bare foot. He laughed and she smiled. Then the smile faded.

  “Your mom doesn’t share your generous spirit.”

  Jen grimaced. “She’s being quite the beyotch right now and I have no idea why.”

  “She’s protecting her son.”

  “I find it fascinating that you’re making excuses for her. If I were you, I’d be egging her car.”

  Zoe grinned. “Not my style.” The humor faded for a second time. “I honestly don’t know what to say to her. She’s so determined to see this as bad for Steven. For you, too, I’m guessing.”

  Jen wasn’t going to talk about her recent fight with her mother. “You were the maid of honor at my wedding. Our relationship is important to me and my mom doesn’t get a vote.”

  “I don’t want to cause trouble.”

  “You’re not. Trust me. It’s all good.” Jen looked at her. “You’re dealing with so many things right now. Pregnancy takes a lot out of your body. You have to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who will be
there for you. I want to be one of them and it sounds like Steven does, too. So go with it. As for my mom—” she shrugged “—I hope she eventually gets it, but if she doesn’t, you’ll still have us.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  So far there weren’t a whole lot of physical disadvantages to being pregnant, Zoe thought as she crossed her living room and opened the door. But there sure were logistical ones.

  “Hello, Chad.”

  “Zoe.”

  Having to deal with her ex was the biggest one. As much as she didn’t want to see him, she knew she was now in a position where she had to take his calls. And when he’d asked to see her, she had said yes.

  It was the middle of the day, which meant he’d stopped by on his lunch break. Something she was grateful for—they could hardly get into anything significant in the forty-five minutes he had off.

  He had on his usual uniform of jeans and a white T-shirt. She found it strange that she had once thought him handsome. She supposed that came from seeing him differently. She’d never been able to depend on him—not the way she depended on Steven. He’d been such a relatively small part of her life. Now she only saw him as someone she used to know. What they had seemed so long ago—all baby evidence to the contrary.

  She motioned to the sofa and he took a seat. For a second she allowed herself to hope that he’d decided one more kid was more than he could handle and that he would give up his rights. Not that she was really expecting that to happen. So far her luck hadn’t been that good.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “Fine. I saw the doctor and everything is going well with the baby.”

  “Good.” He rubbed his hands together, then stood and walked to the far side of the room. He faced her. “I’ve been thinking.”

  Oh, please, oh, please, she chanted silently.

  “About us and the baby. The thing is...” He swallowed, then moved close and sat next to her. He smiled. “Marry me, Zoe. We can make it work.” He took her hand in his. “I mean it. Marry me. You always wanted that, right? Well, now you can have it. The ring, the wedding. Whatever. You’ve got a really nice house. It should work for the baby. I’ll probably keep my apartment, you know, for when I have my kids. But that’s okay.”