by Anna Edwards
“You could try,” she moans, “with Seb.” She points at him like I don’t know who she’s talking about.
“I am. This is me trying.”
She taps my cheek with the palm of her hand.
“Try harder,” she whispers, then with a wink, she shuffles off to take her turn. The second she’s in his space, James tugs her into him, his arms around her, and I can’t help but smile.
Sebastian slides in next to me. “They seem really happy,” he says, nodding towards the pair who are now trying to tickle one another.
“They do,” I confirm.
“You smile, but it’s always sad,” Seb tells me, turning slightly so our eyes meet.
“Is it?” I reply, knowing I can’t deny it.
“Yeah, you always look like you’re missing a piece of your soul,” he murmurs grabbing my hand in his and running his thumb across my knuckles.
“I’m sorry,” I sigh.
“Hey, you don’t have to be sorry.” He shrugs. “For me to want to spend time with you, you only have to be you.”
His words are sweet, but I look away, feeling a pressure on my chest. The tingle moves up my spine again, and I search around but everyone is engrossed in their own stuff, no one is looking at me.
‘Careless Whisper’, the Seether cover, starts playing over the speaker system, and my heart hurts.
“We’re going to grab drinks. You want anything?” Sebastian asks the other two. They ignore him, too wrapped up in each other. “Come on,” he orders softly, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. “It’s someone else, isn’t it?” he questions as we walk towards the fast food counter.
I bite my bottom lip. “Is it that obvious?” I ask, finally admitting it to someone.
He chuckles, but it’s laced with a little sadness. “I wondered when me, James, Emmie, and you started hanging out.” He looks down at me as we continue walking. “I liked you when you attended Caspian before.” He shrugs. “When you came back, it seemed like the stars had aligned, and it was my chance, but I can sense the emotions in you.”
I laugh humourlessly. “Guess I’m not great at keeping them to myself.”
He rubs his hand down my back, and I stiffen in response.
“Sorry,” he apologises, raising his hands away from me.
“It’s okay. Come on, let’s get some drinks.”
I search around the complex, looking for his face, his eyes, looking for a sign that he hasn’t left me completely.
I spot Taya and her friends at the other end of the bowling alley, so I manoeuvre until I’m out of her sight. I’ve been keeping an eye on her since Jacobi’s disappearance. I’m not allowed to use magic outside of Caspian, none of us are supposed to actually, but not everyone listens. However, my dad has forbidden it. He says if I bring shame to his name, he’ll chuck me in Tartus, which is our version of Hell and prison in one. Therefore, I couldn’t retaliate when Taya hit me the other day. A bruise will heal, but I’m not going to Tartus because of her.
Since Jacobi’s been gone, Taya has taken it upon herself to rule the school on her own. She has half the school following because they’re either scared or as ruthless as her, and the other half hate her more now than they already did. Me? I mostly try to keep out of her way.
“Come on.” I tug Sebastian’s shirt once he’s got the drinks, and we walk back to the others.
“We’re still friends, right?” he asks once he’s deposited the drinks.
“I’d really like that,” I reply, this time with a genuine smile.
We bowl until James wins, and Emmie paws him with pride in her eyes. I’m happy for them, genuinely happy.
As we leave the bowling alley, I can’t stop myself from checking my phone once again. The text string between me and Jacobi is totally one sided, not once has he replied.
Me – I miss you.
Even when I lay myself bare…well, as bare as I can stand, he still never replies.
I brush my thumb over the screen and decide to send one last text.
I suck in a breath, my chest screaming in pain, and my vision blurs. I stumble out of the automatic doors of the bowling alley. The other three are just ahead of me as I pause to text.
Me – I hope wherever you are that you’re happy. Live your life, and remember you ARE a good person, Jacobi. Be safe. Goodbye.
I rush to catch up with the others as they cross the road to get to the car park. Through the blur, my gaze still manages to catch Taya’s as she grins darkly. She’s sitting in her car, and my world slows down as I watch, incapable of doing anything else, when she accelerates and guns her vehicle towards me. I’m frozen in place and can’t move as she hits me head on. I fly over the top of her car and smash down onto the roof. The motion of her still driving then forces me up into the air once again before I slam onto the tarmac of the road. I focus on the tiny drops of rain on the floor… wait, that’s not rain… rain isn’t red.
Black takes over.
I lie on the cold, hard ground, staring up at the stars as they appear in the night sky. It’s beautiful, and the only hope of peace for my mind that’s full of wondering. The biggest question is, how did it come to this?
After leaving London, I drove north for miles and miles until my car eventually ran out of petrol at the side of a motorway. I abandoned it there, an expensive sports car left to rust. It was little use to me. I’m not interested in such objects anymore. I want to hide away from my old life and become nothing. Maybe that way I can forget Juniper and the monster I become every time I kiss her.
I’ve known for a long time I’m in love with her. I think I fell for her the first moment I met her. Her sweet smile and innocence hid so many secrets, and I wanted to delve underneath the barriers she’d built up to find out what they were. For a time, I did, then I kissed her and everything changed. After that, I had my own secrets to hide, and they would destroy any hope of a future we had together.
That doesn’t mean I’ve not been keeping an eye on her, though. I’ve conjured a secret shadow that watches over her and reports back to me. More dates with Sebastian and kisses. That’s the part I can’t handle. They may not be on the lips, but he still gets to touch her and love her in a way I never will.
The other homeless souls around me set a fire to keep us warm in the cold Scottish air of Edinburgh. It may have been warming up in London when I left, but here it’s still freezing cold at night. I’ve managed to scrounge a coat from somewhere, but the rest of my clothes are those I wore the day I left. My school uniform with the emblem badge ripped off, so I can’t be identified, is tatty and filthy, but I don’t care. I haven’t any money with me. You’d think I’d have brought my wallet, but I chose to leave it in the car; an old life forgotten. The stars in the sky and the shadow reporting back to me are all I care about now.
I shut my eyes, preparing for another fitful night of sleep as the dreams of the monster I am come to me thick and fast. I know I cured two people, but it’s the previous times which haunt my dreams. I see faces, and I don’t know who they are, but I see the death in them. I take them from the people they love. It’s why I can’t risk being around Juniper anymore. She’s the key, and I don’t understand why. I sleep heavy tonight, and the dreams are vivid, but I don’t cry out. I follow them where they lead.
Four souls, laughing, having fun. I sense the happiness in them. The affection they have for each other, but there’s something dark lurking around the corner. An anger, a malevolence so great that it’s intent on taking a life if needs be to prove a point. A car, tyres speed fast, I recognise it, the driver, I know her, but I can’t see her face clearly. No, the car speeds forwards, and I watch on helpless in my dream as it hits one of the people enjoying their evening out. Everything blurs except for the pain of a broken body hitting the ground and a life fading. A life I should be there to take because it’s what I do. But I don’t want to take this one. I want to save it. Why? What is this person to me? I look to my left, and the shadow I sent to watch
over Juniper is standing there.
No, it can’t be.
The car speeds away, the number plate coming into full view.
Taya’s car.
I look again at the broken body lying unmoving on the ground. A pool of crimson grows around it as blood pours from wounds unknown in number. But, that’s not what I focus on. No, it’s the mass of grey hair atop the victim’s head.
Juniper.
I wake with a start from my dream, my head heavy, and my heart in turmoil.
It was a dream; it had to be. I rub my hands over my eyes, trying to get rid of the vision, but it still lingers in my head, clinging to the tendrils of all I know.
When I eventually look up, I see the shadow. Its head hangs low.
I don’t need to ask. I already know the truth. It wasn’t a dream.
Without thinking or caring for the rules of keeping magic hidden, I focus on Juniper, on the pain she’s in, on the worry of her mother racing to be at her side, and on Emmie crying in a waiting room at a hospital desperate for news of her friend. There is another, though. Someone I can’t quite reach, because he’s hidden from me. He worries, but he won’t show it, and the reason he cares isn’t to do with love. It’s something else I can’t quite put my finger on. He holds the key to the secrets kept from Juniper. She extrudes so many different tangents from her soul, but she doesn't know anything about the truth of her life.
I have to focus on one thing, and it’s getting to the hospital as quickly as possible. After springing to my feet, I shut my eyes and teleport through the ether towards the woman I love. I feel her slipping away, her soul leaving me, but I won’t let it if it’s the last thing I do.
When I arrive, the private room is quiet, and no doctors or nurses are in it. Juniper is hooked up to a machine that’s breathing for her. She looks peaceful apart from the bruising to her face. I could believe she’s just sleeping, but the constant beeps from the equipment around her tell me otherwise.
“I’m sorry,” I apologise, stepping forwards, and reaching out to take her hand, I sit down in a chair beside the bed. I probably shouldn’t be in here. I’m filthy and could introduce infection to her, but I can’t draw myself away. “Please, come back to me.”
I lean over her in the bed, my mouth hovering over hers. I desperately want to press a kiss to her lips. I want to show her I’m here, and I’m sorry for running away. This is all my fault, I should have known Taya would keep her promise if I didn’t do what she asked. I can’t allow Juniper to be hurt again if she survives this. If…I can’t think like that.
“Damn it.” I get up from the chair and kick out at it in frustration.
I hold the key within me to help Juniper heal, but I can’t control a goddamn thing. I don’t even remember what I do. I could end up killing her. My fists clench, and I want to hit out at something, anything. How do I fix this?
I turn back to Juniper and I know there’s only one way. I have to take the greatest risk and trust what she said to me. I have to believe that when I become a monster I still have emotions, even though I shouldn’t have them.
The beeping on Juniper’s machines slow, her heart rate dropping. She’s leaving me. It’s now or never.
I crush my lips to hers. I don’t move as I weep onto her face, my tears falling and running down her cheek.
“Please work,” I recite over and over again, and then it begins.
The pain, my head starts to feel like it will explode, and the blue tendrils of magic emerge from my mouth. I transform into the Guardian I’m supposed to be, the monster I feel inside. Stepping back from Juniper, I look down at her. Her heart rate is still slowing, and any second now, the alarms will sound, and I’ll lose my chance. Reaching out, I place my hand over her heart and wait.
“I love you,” I tell her as the magic begins to work. “I’ll always love you.”
I don’t know whether I’m going to take her life or give her what she needs to survive her injuries, but I can’t sit by and do nothing.
Juniper’s body starts to glow blue as my magic fills it. I watch on, hoping I’ll remember all this tomorrow. Even if I fail, I want to know I tried.
“Please come back to me,” I whisper close to her ear as the machines fall silent for a moment.
It’s just the two of us in the room, no one else. I can feel her injuries in my own body: broken arms and legs, internal bleeding, swelling on the brain. There’s something else, a foreign object in a body so perfect. It’s a problem with her heart. I don’t understand what it is, but the surgical equipment surrounding it is no longer needed as I push my magic deep inside her and heal everything that’s wrong with her.
When I look back up at the machines, her heart’s beating healthily again. I watch as her blood pressure stabilises, and the bruising on her face vanishes.
It’s worked.
I’ve saved her.
“What the hell?” The door opens behind me, and Emmie’s shocked voice sounds out. I turn around to face her, and her eyes go wide when she recognises me. “Jacobi? What are you doing?”
“Saving her.” The words leave my mouth with an ethereal tone.
“You’ve got wings, and you’re blue?”
“Be grateful for it. She was about to die.”
I turn my attention back to Juniper and press a final kiss to her lips. Then, fluttering my wings, I disappear magically from the room before Emmie can ask any more questions. I’ve done what I came to the hospital to do. Now I need to ensure Juniper’s protection forevermore, and there’s only one way to do that. Give Taya what she wants, me.
The murmurings in the room rouse me, and I open one eye carefully. People often say that when you wake up in hospital, you don’t know where you are or how you got there. That certainly isn’t the case for me.
I remember.
I remember everything.
Oh, honey, you’re okay. My mum rushes over as I slowly open my eyes. She hugs me gently, but I don’t need her to be concerned about hurting me, physically I feel fine.
Physically.
Mentally I’m in agony.
“Mum, I’m fine.”
“Oh! But, baby, you were… you nearly died.” She chokes on her words as emotion engulfs her. “It’s a miracle. They’re saying that about you, you know? They’re saying an angel must have saved you.”
Emmie chokes then starts coughing to cover up. I frown at her over my mum’s shoulder, and she narrows her eyes at me. Weird.
Mum is still blubbering and saying how she’s amazed I’m alive.
“Shh, Mum. The doctors are probably already suspicious,” I warn her.
She pulls back, fishing a tissue out of her cardigan sleeve and blowing her nose. “Oh, it’s okay,” she waves my worry away, “your dad made sure you were seen to by a witch doctor.”
“Of course he did,” I grunt. “And where is Daddy dearest?” I question.
She pulls at the neckline of her top, a sure sign he hasn’t even asked about me. “He’s very busy, but he made sure you were in the best care with Dr Weatherstein.”
“Mum, I love you, I truly do,” a smile fills her face, “but don’t cover for him.”
The smile drops, and I feel guilty for making her sad, but I’m sick of her always sticking up for him.
“But, sweetheart.”
“No,” I bite out. “When you were told I was in here, how quickly did you leave the house?”
“She was walking out the house still talking to me on the phone,” Emmie answers, and my mum glances at her then back to me.
“Exactly.” I shake my head. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him. When can I go home?”
My mum brightens.“Well, the doctor said she would come and see you around six, and if you were awake by then, you’d be able to go home. She’s fudging your notes to say you weren’t as bad as you looked when you came in...” My mum’s voice peters off, and she stares out the window for a moment, tapping her index finger against her lips. “It’s weird, th
ough…how you healed so quickly.”
“So, Mum, are you staying in the London flat still?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Yes, you can come home with me.”
“What, no!” I sit up forcefully.
“Glad they took all the machines off you before you started jumping around like that,” Emmie mutters, and I try to scorch her with my gaze, but she just rolls her eyes and grins.
“Juniper, you need to be close so I can keep an eye on you,” Mum says, trying to gently push me back down on the bed, but I refuse.
“No, Mum.” I sigh when I see the sadness in her eyes. “I love you, Mum, so much, but I need to get back to normal, surely you understand…”
I let the words hang in the air, and I see the thoughts flitter through her eyes. When she was sick before Jacobi saved her, not that she remembers that now, she hated people fussing over her. She wanted to live as normal a life as possible.
“I know this is hard for you. I’m still your baby,” I say, trying to soften the blow, “and I will visit on…” I look towards Emmie. “What day is it?” I ask her.
She smiles. “Sunday morning.”
“Tomorrow, after school?” I offer.
Mum sighs and then nods. “Okay, but I’m going to spoil you with salted caramel ice cream after dinner.”
I giggle. “I think I can manage being spoiled with ice cream,” I say, giving her another hug.
My mum has literally just left my flat. Emmie stayed behind under the guise of sleeping over and having a film night, but there’s something weird going on with her, and really I just want to be on my own so I can try and get hold of Jacobi.
“So, you want to watch a film?” I question Emmie.
“No!” she states, standing and throwing her arms in the air.
My eyes widen with shock, not sure why she’s raising her voice.
“What’s wrong with you?” I snap. My head feels tight, and I’m irritable.
“I saw him,” she snaps back.
“Who?” I’m confused.
“Jacobi.”
My breathing gets slightly harder when I realise where this is going. “W-what?” I stutter.
