To Be Yours

by Elana Johnson

  Relief washed through me even as I scanned, scanned for Grayson. I didn’t see him. Maybe he sat up high so Josh wouldn’t know he was there. Maybe he wouldn’t cheer so I wouldn’t know.

  I decided to indulge my fantasy. I imagined him on the top row of the arena, shrouded in shadows so my overprotective brother wouldn’t know he was there watching me. But I knew. I could feel his dark eyes on me, drinking in every curve of my body in the costume.

  I flashed a smile toward the rafters and started my routine. The ice felt good beneath my skates, and I swirled and moved like I was born at the North Pole. My jumps approached, and I found the patch of ice where I’d push off.

  Adrenaline coursed through me as I completed the first two rotations, dug in my toe and leapt again.

  I landed it just right, and a smile as wide as the Mississippi sprang to my face. In the background of my mind, I heard cheering, and I made it come from Grayson’s mouth. Imagined him meeting me when I stepped off the ice with roses in his hand, wrapping me up tight in his strong arms and kissing me in front of the cameras.

  But there were no cameras. No roses. No Grayson.

  There was Mona and Josh, who met me outside the locker room after I’d changed into my track suit. Josh hugged me and whispered, “That was awesome.”

  Mona squealed and hugged me too. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

  I sat by them until the awards, and I’d never been happier to have people with me. I hadn’t thought I needed an audience for my skating. I’d never had one before; not even Josh had come.

  I hadn’t tried to talk to him about Grayson. Mona and I had talked about everything to death. I cast my eyes toward the top of the arena, but no one sat there.

  “They’re ready,” Josh said. “Don’t you need to go down there?”

  I glanced toward the ice, where several skaters had started to congregate. “Oh, yeah.” I jumped up and ran down the steps to the ice. I clapped as the younger age group winners were announced. The senior division started, and I kept my smile hitched in place, genuinely glad for those who got choreography awards and technique trophies.

  The placements started, and when my name wasn’t called for fifth, I knew I hadn’t won anything. It was okay. I didn’t have to win. Ice skating was something I did just for me, only I hadn’t realized it until now.

  I added it to the list of things I’d discovered about myself since climbing the mountain. I’d learned I liked boiled eggs. I liked wearing flirty dresses to school. I liked going to movies with friends. I liked having friends, period.

  Smiling, I glanced up to the bleachers where Josh and Mona sat. Shock traveled through my system when I found him holding her hand.

  Holding her hand.

  I sucked in a breath, sure my eyes were playing tricks on me, just as the announcer called my name. Josh and Mona exploded to their feet, their hands separating so they could applaud.

  I glanced around, too dumbfounded to move. A girl in a pink sweat suit nudged me toward the placement blocks. I went, because I’d realized that I’d just won the competition. I ducked my head to receive the medal. I climbed up to the highest block. I lifted my hand and waved.

  Through it all, I wished with the heat of a thousand suns that Grayson was there to see me.

  As I climbed down and accepted the congratulations of the other skaters, I determined that I would not let today pass without talking to him. If I wanted him in my life, I had to go get him. No one was going to come save me, the same way no one had come to save me at the bottom of that mountain.

  I’d climbed that mountain. Conquered it. Saved myself.

  And I needed to do it again.

  * * *

  I parked in my driveway, the medal heavy around my neck. For some reason, I hadn’t been able to take it off, even for the drive home. Josh and Mona sat on the front steps, shivering in their jackets.

  Steeling myself, I got out of the car and headed toward them. Mona put another inch between her and Josh and tucked her hair behind her ear with a shy smile.

  “Thank you so much for coming.” I muscled my way in between them on the steps. “So. How long have you guys been a thing?”

  “We’re not—” Mona said at the same time Josh said, “Maybe Monday?” He glanced at Mona, who blinked her big, beautiful eyes at him. “Yeah, Monday.”

  She blushed like he’d just paid her the greatest compliment, and I laughed. “So do you have two dates to prom now?” I asked her. “Last I heard, you were going with Greg.”

  “Eden, you’re the only one who could accidentally say yes to two guys,” Josh said, nudging me with his shoulder.

  “And I’m not Greg’s girlfriend,” Mona added. “We’re just going as friends.”

  I nodded, the emotion in my throat suddenly so big, so bulbous. “All right. I get it. I know I screwed up. More than once.” I glanced at Josh. “I’m going to go get all this makeup off my face. Thanks for coming, you guys.”

  I stepped into the house, the sound of their low voices behind me. I wasn’t sure what Josh was doing, starting a relationship with a junior. After all the lecturing he’d given me. At the same time, I was happy for him. He seemed to like Mona. He wasn’t afraid to say so.

  I chewed on the idea as I used makeup remover wipes on my face and stepped into my bedroom. My navy prom dress seemed to fill the whole room as it hung on my closet door. I fingered the fabric, my fantasies blooming to life once more.

  I wanted to wear this dress to prom. I wanted Grayson to see me in it, touch the fabric along my waist, kiss me on the front porch while the skirt rustled because of his hands pressing on my back.

  Go get him, ran through my mind. I changed into comfortable jeans and a sweatshirt that said HOPE on it. I glanced down at the white lettering on the purple fabric, and hope bloomed inside me.

  “Mom,” I said when I entered the kitchen. Henry sat at the piano, banging more than playing, and Benji sniffled as he worked on his music theory. For the first time ever, the twins didn’t annoy me. I’d hated music theory too, and compassion for my half-brother shot through me.

  “How did it go?” She looked up and smiled at me.

  “I won.” I showed her the medal, the same warm feeling that had engulfed me when I’d seen Mona and Josh in the stands encompassing me now.

  “Oh, Eden, that’s wonderful.” Mom sprang to her feet and embraced me. “I wish I could’ve come.”

  “You can come to the next one,” I said, looking her right in the eyes. “Will you, Mom? Will you come to the next one? It’s at the end of March.”

  Mom’s eyes softened, and her smile wobbled. “Of course I’ll come,” she said. “I’ll make sure Terry has the day off so we can all come.”

  I nodded and swallowed as emotion filled me. Now I just needed to track down Grayson and ask him some important questions too.

  “I’m going over to Grayson’s,” I said to Mom as I reached for the keys I’d tossed on the end table in the living room.

  She followed me. “Are you sure you should?”

  I sighed and studied her. The concern on her face wasn’t hard to find, and it felt good to know she worried about me. Grayson didn’t have that from his mother, and I realized how lucky I’d been all this time, having Mom and Terry to care about me, worry over me, love me. They had a lot of other cares and worries too, but their love was big enough for all of us.

  “I’m sure,” I said, reaching for her. I took in a deep breath of her wonderful, soft, powdery scent, wondering when the last time I’d hugged my mother had been. Too long.

  “All right.” Mom gave me a squeeze and held me at arm’s length. “I love you.”

  “Love you too, Mom.” My voice hitched somewhere down inside my chest, strangling me from saying more.

  “Thanks for inviting me to your competition.” She flashed a joyous smile and turned toward the kitchen, absorbing herself back into the Music Madness easily.

  Before I lost my resolve and let my doubt drive
me away from Grayson, I hurried past Mona and Josh on the front steps, ignoring his question of “Where are you going?”

  Ten minutes later, I pulled into Grayson’s circular driveway. The windows were dark, the front door huge and ominous. A trickle of terror tripped through me. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. I’d called and texted. He obviously didn’t want to talk to me, or even be in the same room as me.

  So I did what I’d done on the mountain: I gathered my courage close, got out of the car, and went to meet whatever waited for me on the other side of the door.

  Grayon’s letter to his mother, Part 2:

  Dear Mom,

  I hope the first week of rehab has gone well for you. I didn’t get to say goodbye before you left, and I wish I could have. Hopefully these letters from me, Luke, and Darren will help you get through your program.

  I love you, Mom. It’s why I cleaned up after you for so long. Why I’d rush upstairs to make sure you were still breathing. Why your drinking made me so furious. I hope you know I’m not mad at you or anything. I just want you to get well and come home for Luke and Darren.

  Dad just told me you’ll be home in time for my graduation. I’d like to see you there. I leave for college the week after that, and I know Luke and Darren will need someone after I’m gone. It should be you, because they love you too.

  Well, I don’t have a lot of other stuff to say. Get well and come home quick.

  ~Grayson

  28

  Grayson

  The letters in my hand felt like they weighed a ton. Each. Luke’s and Darren’s were both sealed, as was mine. Dad said he’d write and mail his own, so I just had the three envelopes to put inside one big mailer for Mom.

  I looked down at my letter, the words I’d written this week in my mind. I’d probably composed a dozen letters, each with different parts that were true. In the end, I wanted to give my mom something to hold on to. The same thing she’d given me growing up, when she took me to the doctor, when she doled out medicine, when I lost the spelling bee.

  Love.

  I traced two fingers down the sealed flap of the envelope and put it in the mailer with the others. I hoped I’d done an okay job of conveying my love for her. In a week where everything had been so twisted and torn, it had been therapeutic to tell someone I loved them.

  I addressed the mailer and used the kiosk to put postage on it. After I’d dropped the letters in the slot, I returned to my truck. I sat in it, the air blowing to keep the temperature at a comfortable seventy-two degrees. I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, and my mind naturally landed on Eden.

  Josh too, as I’d been avoiding him as well. He’d finally called last night, and I’d answered. First, because Josh never called. Second, because I was tired of my self-inflicted isolation. How Eden had lived like that for almost a year was beyond me. She had more strength than I’d even known.

  I gripped the steering wheel as anger coursed through my muscles, making them tight, tense. Anger at Thea for making me doubt Eden. Anger at Eden for being such an idiot about JJ.

  Anger at myself for ignoring her texts, her calls, her pleas to come to her competition that morning. Guilt gutted me, and the breath I sucked in shuddered through my lungs and chest.

  “Can’t do anything about it now,” I muttered to myself as I finally put the truck in gear and pulled out of the post office parking lot. I didn’t want to go home. There was nothing homey about the mansion where I lived, and the need to get out of town was so intense, I turned on the road that would lead up to the ski resort and our cabin.

  The radio played, but I couldn’t name a single song that played. My mind whirred, but it couldn’t grab onto a single thought. The road before me shone like black satin as the sun had finally decided to arrive in Idaho.

  The hour up to the cabin passed in a moment, and I pulled into the garage and closed the door behind me. With the engine off, I simply sat in the dark. Everything calmed, came into focus, centered.

  I collected my phone from the dashboard and called Luke.

  “What’s up?”

  “I’m worried about you.” I hadn’t been able to talk to him face-to-face about his pot problem, and in the garage now, it was so much easier to say, “How much do you really smoke, Luke?”

  Silence penetrated everything for several long seconds. I didn’t check my phone to make sure the connection hadn’t been lost. I knew it hadn’t. I didn’t want Luke to feel lost either.

  “I’m leaving soon,” I finally said. “And even though Mom will be home by then, Darren will need better than a pothead brother.”

  “I’ll stop,” Luke whispered.

  I couldn’t quite identify the emotion in his hushed words. Could’ve been anger. Could’ve been embarrassment. Could’ve been defiance. Probably all three.

  “I know things have been hard for you,” I said. “I’ve tried to—”

  “You’ve done great,” Luke said, his voice stronger now. “I just…needed an escape for a while. I’ll stop, Gray. I swear I will.”

  I nodded though miles separated us. “You should, Luke.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I went for a drive.”

  “Eden’s here.”

  My heart freaked out, simultaneously leaping and falling at the same time. It wasn’t exactly a comfortable feeling. “Why?”

  “She didn’t say, but she’s sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Doesn’t look like she’s gonna be leaving until she talks to you.”

  “Did Harry’s mom come get Darren for his birthday party?”

  “Eden took him when she showed up and you weren’t here.”

  “How long has she been there?”

  “About an hour.”

  The urge to get home almost suffocated me. At the same time, I didn’t want to leave the dark tranquility of the garage.

  “Tell her I’ll be a while still. I’m up at the cabin.”

  “I’ll tell her, but I don’t think she’ll leave. She’s pretty feisty. Not sure if you knew that.”

  A half-smile pulled at my lips. “I knew. Thanks, Luke.”

  “Grayson.”

  I waited.

  “I’ll do better.”

  “I know you will, Luke. See you in a little bit.” I hung up, a weight as heavy as two sandbags lifted from my chest. I couldn’t lose my mother to alcohol and my brother to pot. Sometimes money bought things that were dangerous, destructive, and damaging.

  I got out of the truck and entered the silent cabin. Sometimes money bought peace, a sanctuary where I could escape the pressures of my life. I trailed my fingers along the countertop, very aware that my problems were few compared to some. Harder than others, just like Eden and I had talked about.

  I wandered up to the black diamond room, sat on the end of the bed where I’d slept just a few weeks ago, and pulled up Eden’s texts on my phone.

  The movie was really lame.

  Nothing happened.

  I fixed everything with him.

  So I can be with you.

  Please call me.

  I hadn’t called her, texted her, or even seen her. At least I hadn’t allowed her to know I’d seen her. I had loitered at the end of the hall and watched her walk into health class. Her coppery hair had beckoned to me, and the way she’d glanced around testified that she’d been looking for me.

  But I couldn't go to class, not with her so close I could smell her perfume and remember what she tasted like. Those smells and tastes had plagued me for the past week anyway, but with her out of arm’s reach, I’d managed to cope.

  I was so tired of coping. I lay back on the bed and pressed my phone to my chest. Eden and I had only skied one run together—an easy green circle run that shouldn’t have been a problem.

  The next day, I’d skied several black diamond runs—the hardest ones at this resort. I’d never been afraid to do hard things, from skiing to school to dealing with Mom. Why did Eden terrify me so?

  Why did not being wi
th her leave me breathless and weak?

  I realized that our relationship was like a black diamond run. There were steep parts we had to climb. The road would have bumps and likely be difficult. Only the most experienced people should attempt a black diamond run, because they required skill and confidence.

  All the things I had when I put on my skis, strapped my poles to my wrists, and conquered the mountain.

  Not only that, but I’d climbed that blasted mountain too, in ski boots, with Eden at my side. I wanted her in my life like that all the time; living without her was too painful, too lonely, too bleak. Was this how I’d feel when I moved to Vegas and left her behind?

  No, I thought. I could call and text and “see” her on social media. She could come down for holidays, and I could come visit her on long weekends. Or short weekends. Whenever I wanted, just like Josh had said.

  And I wanted to see her right now. Breathe her in, let her soothe my weary soul. Kiss her, apologize for my pettiness, beg for her forgiveness that I hadn’t been at her competition when I’d said I’d come.

  I wanted to hear her voice telling me “I want to be with you,” not just see it on the screen of my phone. I closed my eyes and tried to conjure up the lilt of her tone when she teased me. The sound came easily into my mind, and I smiled.

  I wanted to kiss her in the falling snow, and under the shining sun, and when I picked her up for prom. I wasn’t sure how long I laid there fantasizing about a black diamond life with Eden, but the doorbell singing made me shoot into a sitting position, my heart pumping faster than I thought possible.

  It couldn’t be Luke. He didn’t have a car or a driver’s license.

  Josh.

  I didn’t want my tranquility to be interrupted by another conversation about his sister, but I couldn’t just ignore my best friend either. I got up and headed into the ready room.