To Be Yours

by Elana Johnson

  Eden’s letter to Grayson:

  Grayson,

  I’ll make this short and sweet. There are two things I need you to know. First, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It’s not an excuse, but I really suck at social things. I’ve been out of the game for a while, and I hope you can forgive me.

  Second, I really like you. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night, and the second hand on my watch is ticking, and there’s all this navy darkness surrounding me, I think I might love you. Isn’t that how someone feels when they can’t imagine their life without someone else?

  That’s how I feel about you. I know you’re moving to Las Vegas, and I know you’re mad at me. And yet somehow, I still can’t imagine my life without you. And I thought maybe you can’t imagine your life without me either.

  That’s it.

  Love, Eden

  29

  Eden

  My hands shook as I pulled into the driveway at Grayson’s cabin. I couldn’t believe I’d remembered how to get here, but somehow I had. The garage door sat closed and nothing about the cabin indicated that anyone was there.

  But I’d scrutinized every vehicle coming down the canyon, and I hadn’t missed his behemoth of a truck.

  I got out of my car and stretched my neck. It hurt from the way I’d been sitting rod-straight in the driver’s seat for so long. I moved toward the steps that curved up the mountain, around the garage, and to the front door. I wasn’t even sure where this door led on the inside, but I pressed the doorbell and heard the pealing song echo through the interior of the cabin.

  Nothing stirred. No footsteps sounded. A full minute passed. Then two.

  I backed up and scanned the house from the top, where the bridge extended across the road behind me, to bottom, where my car waited in the driveway. Maybe Grayson wasn’t here. Maybe he’d fled as soon as he’d hung up with Luke.

  “Eden?” His voice—a voice I hadn’t heard in a week—sent my pulse toward the speed of light.

  I glanced up to where the sound had come from and found him leaning against the railing on the deck outside the ready room.

  I shaded my eyes from the glare of the sun. “Can I talk to you?” I asked, backing up a little more so I didn’t have to hold my aching neck at such a precarious angle.

  “I—” Grayson’s mouth pressed into a line. “I have to go get Darren from his birthday party in…” He glanced at his phone and his countenance fell. “A little while.”

  Which meant he had time to talk. I smiled up at him but when he didn’t return it, I let the gesture slip from my lips. “Can I come in just for a minute?”

  The emotions on his face warred, and his strong shoulders finally slumped. “All right.” He disappeared into the house, and several moments later, the door in front of me opened. He stepped back, keeping one hand on the doorknob. His dark eyes drank me up, blazing with a fire so intense my blood sizzled.

  “Hi.” I eased into the house and employed my bravery to slip my fingers into his. The warmth from his skin felt nice. The way his fingers fit between mine, curled around mine, gave me hope. The scent of his Alpine Breeze made me think I still had a chance.

  “Eden.” He sighed and finally looked down at me.

  “I need to talk to you about something.”

  “Fine.”

  “It’s about prom.”

  He tensed, but our eyes stayed locked together. I inhaled the scent of him, all warm and crisp. “I’d like to take you.”

  He shook his head, the corners of his lips twitching upward. “No.”

  “No?”

  “We’re already going to prom together.”

  I liked the way the words sounded, caught the flirty notes in his voice. “Are we?”

  “Sure. I asked you first, and you said yes.”

  “You haven’t spoken to me in a week.” I couldn’t keep the hurt out of my voice. Didn’t even want to.

  His free hand came up and brushed my hair off my face. “It’s been…I’m working on some things.”

  I stepped away from him and retreated further into the house where there was more open space. I pulled out the envelope I’d brought with me. “I wrote you a note.”

  He took it and gave it a cursory glance. “So is that what we do? Fight and write notes to make up?”

  I shrugged, though the idea of making up appealed to me. “Do you think Melissa left some ice cream up here?” I stepped away from him, the idea of him reading my note in front of me suddenly horrifying. My skin felt like spiders were crawling all over me, and I couldn’t brush them away.

  I checked the freezer and found it empty. I sighed and faced Grayson. “I’m sorry, Grayson.”

  He shook his head. “It’s fine.”

  “No, I was really stupid. But see, you’re leaving, and I need friends. JJ hangs out with Mona, and I like hanging out with Mona and Lyla and JJ. And I didn’t want to lose all of them, and I know I did a really dumb thing, but I didn’t do it maliciously.” I took a deep breath and kept going, wondering if what I was saying even made sense.

  “I’m just—you know, I’m not really great at social stuff. That’s why it was so easy to give up dating for a whole year. And once Sierra left, it was just so much easier to be by myself. And I’m really sorry. JJ and I, we’re just friends, but I am going to hang out with him this summer and next year, and I just want—”

  My voice muted and my heartbeat rippled when he stepped into my personal bubble, his chest almost touching mine.

  “I’m the one who should be sorry,” he murmured, his mouth barely moving.

  “For what?”

  “Not coming to your competition.”

  I waved my hand like I was swatting a fly, like his absence hadn’t cut me to the core. “I won.”

  Agony crossed his face. “You won?”

  “Got a medal and everything.” I swallowed so I wouldn’t cry. “Josh and Mona were there.”

  He nodded, his jaw tight from how he clenched his teeth together. He stepped back and looked over my head, out the window. “I should’ve been there.”

  “I have another one at the end of the month. You can come then. My mom’s going to come too.”

  His eyes seemed to take a long time wandering back to mine, but when they did, they locked on tight. “She is? You talked to her?”

  “Asked her to come and everything.” I slugged him playfully on the shoulder, immediately embarrassed. I smoothed my hand down his arm, very aware of his muscles bunching under my touch.

  I yanked my hand back and shifted farther from him. “So I’m asking you if you want to come too.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll come.”

  “And we’re still going to prom.” I wasn’t asking.

  “Yeah, we’re still going to prom.”

  “So you’re not mad at me anymore?” This time I was totally asking.

  “Eden.” He reached out and twined his fingers with mine. “I didn’t stay mad for very long.”

  “You didn’t come to health class.” I let him sweep me into his arms, let him hold me close, let him inhale me deeply, his mouth seemingly very close to my ear.

  “I had a lot on my mind. I wrote, I mean, me and my brothers all wrote letters to our mom this week. I was trying to figure out what to say to her.”

  “How’s she doing?”

  “Now that she’s sober, I think she’s realizing a few things. She asked if we could write her.”

  “So maybe you can make up with her through a note too.” I smiled up at him, hoping he’d hear the teasing quality of my voice.

  He gazed down at me. “She’ll be done with rehab before graduation. I asked her to come.”

  My eyebrows rose even as warmth flowed through me. “Do you think she will?”

  He started nodding, slow at first and then more emphatically. “Yeah, I think she will.”

  I relaxed into his embrace again, letting this comfortable silence between us heal this last week of painful wordlessness.
/>   “You know,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d ever come back to this mountain.”

  “Yeah? Why’s that?”

  I struggled to find the words. “Because…so much changed here. I changed here.”

  Grayson nodded, his chin brushing against my cheekbone. “I changed here too. You changed me with that kiss.”

  My heart stuttered, and I took a long drag of air. “What are we going to do about you leaving?” The thought of him just sailing south without so much as a plan made my skin itch.

  “We’re going to make sure you have the best cell phone money can buy, and that we exchange calendars so we can plan the times we can get together.”

  I leaned back, but he didn’t release his hold on my waist. “You think my mom is going to let me come to Las Vegas to visit you?” Sarcastic laughter bubbled from my mouth. “I thought you knew my mother.”

  “Well, maybe she’ll let you come visit Josh.” An insane amount of hope shone in his eyes. So much that I couldn’t dash those beautiful, hopeful eyes by saying my mother would need a lot of convincing to let me cross two state lines just for a visit.

  “Sure,” I said. “Maybe she’ll let me come visit Josh.”

  Grayson laughed, the sound happy and joyful and wondrous. “You’re such a bad liar.” His lips skated along my cheek, caught my jaw, and touched my lips.

  He stilled, waiting, and I leaned into his kiss, not willing to wait another second.

  Text from Grayson to Eden:

  Leaving now.

  Eden to Grayson: Mom is waiting in the living room. I think she has a checklist in her lap… Hope you’re ready for seven billionty questions.

  Grayson: She knows me.

  Eden: It’s my first prom. Terry’s setting up a tripod.

  Grayson: Guess we’ll be late for our dinner reservation, huh?

  Eden: Sorry.

  Grayson: You’re worth it.

  30

  Grayson

  The navy blue dress Eden had been teasing me with for the past month was everything she’d claimed—and more. I couldn’t tear my eyes from her, even when Josh cleared his throat, even when her mother stepped in between us, a clipboard in her hand.

  Eden ducked her head, her skin shining like porcelain and her hair all piled on top of her head glittering like new pennies. The blue dress hugged every curve of her body, and I hadn’t realized she had so many.

  “Grayson,” her mother said, waving her hand in front of my eyes. I blinked and glanced down at the darker, less glittery version of Eden. “What time will you bring Eden home?”

  “Midnight,” I said, having rehearsed some answers with Eden the other night while we cuddled on my living room couch, a movie on in front of us.

  More questions followed, and we posed in front of the fireplace for the photos. Eden’s mother’s eyes watered, and Josh leaned against the corner of the wall, a huge grin on his face. He’d given up on lecturing me about dating his sister. After all, once he’d started dating a junior, all of his arguments had become obsolete. Once Eden and I had made up, my evenings had drastically improved. The four of us hanging out had become commonplace. Eden and Josh still shared their Thursday night dinners together, a tradition I didn’t dare encroach on, but I was okay with that.

  I finally opened the front door and stepped back to let Eden leave her house before me. With the door closed, I leaned against it. “Wow, I think I’d rather climb a mountain in ski boots than go through that again.” I flashed her a smile, glad when she trilled out a laugh and grabbed onto my arm.

  “You look amazing,” I whispered. “You know, during that week when I wasn’t talking to you, I sure thought a lot about you.”

  “Sounds dangerous,” she said, still giggling.

  “One of the things I thought about you included kissing you in your prom dress. Before prom.”

  “Scandalous,” she said, tipping up onto her toes to unite her mouth with mine.

  * * *

  Three weeks after prom, I paced in the foyer while Luke and Darren sat on the steps behind me. As far as I knew, Luke hadn’t smoked since our phone call. He’d managed to pull passing grades in all his classes, and Dad had promised him a new car for his sixteenth birthday, coming up in only three weeks.

  I’d be in Vegas on his birthday. I already had two calendar alerts set.

  “They should be here by now,” I said as I turned to face my brothers.

  “Maybe there were problems on the road.” Luke looked up from his phone. “Why are you so nervous?”

  “How are you not? Mom’s coming home, and we haven’t seen her in ten weeks.”

  “We haven’t really seen her in three years,” Luke said. He didn’t hold as much hope as I did that she’d stay sober, and every time he admitted as much I reminded him that he’d quit smoking pot. That would shut him up, but Luke was headstrong and Mom would have to prove to him that she’d changed.

  I had more hope than him. I’d written her a letter each week, and she’d written back. I could see the healing in her thoughts with each of her responses. One line from her last letter said, I can’t wait to see Eden. She sounds like she’s grown up into someone wonderful.

  I’d detailed our prom date for her, and she said she wouldn’t be missing any of my major life events from then on—and my high school graduation was tomorrow.

  A half an hour later, the rumble of the garage had me spinning toward the door in the kitchen. I locked eyes with both of my brothers, waiting until they stood. We moved to the kitchen counter and moments later, Dad pushed in the door and stepped back, holding it open for Mom.

  I sucked in a breath and held it. Her dark hair barely reached her chin, and it looked shiny. Healthy. Alive.

  I met her eyes, the same pair I saw when I looked into a mirror. She wore so much hope in her expression that my chest hitched. “Mom.” I left Luke and Darren’s side and rounded the counter.

  She seemed thin, but she had been when she’d left. Her skin held a glow, and that hadn’t been present last time I’d seen her. The hope was new too. Everything about her indicated that she’d spent the last ten weeks in a cocoon, ready to emerge as something beautiful, ready to soar, finally ready to live.

  “Grayson,” she whispered, drawing me into a hug that washed away all the pain, and hurt, and helplessness of the past.

  “Mom.” I hugged her tight and added, “You’re coming tomorrow, right?”

  She stepped back and held me at arm’s length. Her smile lit up the whole room, the way it had when I was a child. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  * * *

  “Grayson?”

  “Coming!” I yelled down the stairs to Luke and turned back to my bedroom. It felt different though it looked similar. The apartment we were moving into that day had beds, and Mom had gone wild online, buying bedding in every shade of blue and gray.

  She’d bought a toaster over, a mini-fridge, even a counter-top appliance that could make grilled cheese sandwiches and paninis. Like I was going to cook. I’d let her shop her heart out, because it meant she’d call me over to the couch where she clicked on her laptop.

  She hadn’t had a drink in twelve weeks, and a huge number three sat on the fridge—the number of months she was sober.

  “You ready?” She came up the steps, a flush in her cheeks I hadn’t seen in years.

  “Yeah.” I lifted my suitcase and started past her.

  “Dad’s got something for you.” She smiled, and a childhood memory of her flashed through my mind. I couldn’t pinpoint how old I was, but she reminded me of the mom I’d had in grade school. The one who loved me. Made mashed potatoes and mac and cheese for my birthday. Asked me how school had been.

  I smiled at her. “What is it?”

  “You’ll have to wait and see.” She followed me downstairs, where Luke and Darren stood in the kitchen, snacking on white cheddar popcorn. Darren sniffed. He was having the hardest time with my departure, but I’d taken him to breakfast t
hat morning, just me and him.

  I’d reassured him that Dad would be coming home at a normal hour, the way he had been since Mom had returned from rehab. I told him I’d call him every Sunday evening and he could tell me anything about junior high and the community play he wanted to audition for.

  “Gray,” Dad said, coming in from the garage. He carried a white envelope. “Your mom and I got this for you.” He extended it toward me, and I took it. Dad normally didn’t wax loquacious, and I slid a glance to Mom.

  She nodded as Dad took her hand in his. Emotion surged up my throat to see them together. Dad had been coming home on time. He’d been bringing home pizza and groceries and a smile. The atmosphere in my house had taken a complete one-eighty, and I swallowed to keep myself from tearing up.

  I ripped open the envelope, which held a graduation card though high school had ended a week ago. Both Mom and Dad had written inside the card, and I scanned the letters but couldn’t comprehend them with so many sets of eyes on me.

  A check for an obscene amount of money sat inside, and I lifted my eyes as gratitude poured through me. “Thanks, Dad.”

  I tucked the check in my pocket and stuck the card in the front pocket of my suitcase before stepping over to my parents and hugging them. I couldn’t quite get my voice to work and the moment lengthened as Mom’s shoulders trembled and Dad held me tight.

  Darren started crying, and I stepped back, a wobbly feeling inside my chest that I couldn’t solidify. I grabbed him and Luke and hugged them too. “Josh is waiting,” I said. “I should probably get going.”

  “I left the right side of the truck bed for his stuff,” Dad said, moving with me toward the garage.

  “Don’t forget to call us when you get to Salt Lake City,” Mom added. “You know where you’re going to stop for gas? Get lunch?”

  “Yeah.” She’d printed me a map as if my phone wouldn’t navigate me right to the front stoop of my apartment in Las Vegas—and anywhere else I wanted it to.