The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “She’s pretty amazing huh?” Olivia asks. She’s slurring her words, so I know she’s already had too much to drink. I start toward them and come out of the dark, but their conversation continues, so I resume my spot and listen in.

  “Yeah. She’s holding up pretty well. But she’s been out here awhile so…”

  Before Nash can finish, Olivia interrupts him, “How long have you been in love with her?”

  His footsteps stop. “What?”

  “I see it when you look at her.” Silently, I will her to shut up. She’s taking this too far. It’s bad enough she’s trying to force it with me, but she needs to leave him out of it. He doesn’t see me in that way.

  “I told you, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just friends.” He told her already, when?

  “So you said. But I see that you want more. Look, I’m not judging. In fact, I think it’s a good thing, or it could be.” I should show myself, put an end to this for Nash’s sake, but I’m paralyzed against the wall.

  “Just drop it, Olivia!”

  “You and I both know she can’t hide behind widowhood forever.” I angle my body closer to them and strain to hear without being seen.

  “I don’t think she’s hiding behind anything. I think she’s grieving.”

  “Yeah, she’s grieving all right. Trying to be an expert at it, like everything else in her life.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “She always gives 100% to everything she does. But I’m not going to sit by and let her throw her life away.”

  Nash sighs and I wish I could see him. “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because the two of you have a connection. She’s told me that when she’s around you, you don’t pity her. You understand her grief and you let her be.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing? Why do you sound angry about it?”

  “Because I don’t think you’re pushing her. Her grieving has gone on long enough! I think you’re coddling her, making it too easy for her.”

  “Too easy? Are you kidding me? Her husband was murdered, and she lost her unborn baby days later. All before she was thirty years old. How could anyone possibly coddle someone who has lived through that?”

  Olivia raises her voice. “I know what she's been through, but at some point, she has to come out on the other side of this. When she started talking about you a few months ago, I thought you would be the person to help her do that.”

  “I'm trying.”

  “No, you’re not. You might have been at first, but now you’re scared. You’re afraid you’ll hurt her.”

  “Hell no, I don’t want to hurt her! She’s been through enough.”

  “No, she hasn’t, because she hasn’t done the hardest thing yet.”

  “Which is?”

  “Let them go. Nash, for her to move forward, she has to let them go. She has to look at that life and she has to walk away from it because it no longer exists. Someone has to help her find who she is without them….and I’m not here to push her.”

  “What do you want from me?” Nash no longer sounds angry, just tired.

  “I want you to help her. Help her find out who she is without them. Neither of you will get what you want if you don’t.” Footsteps echo across the wood, and then a door slams. I slowly peek around the corner. I can barely make Nash out in the moonlight. The couple on the patio is now gone, and so is Olivia. Nash’s arms are leaning on the railing and he has his head hung low. He sighs, pushes off the railing, and walks inside.

  I fall against the side of the building and decide to go around to the front. I don’t want either of them knowing I overhead them. Just as I’m walking in, Nash is walking out, and we practically run into each other.

  “Hey. Where’d you go? I went out back to find you and I started to get worried.”

  I want to wrap myself around him and I don’t know why. I run both my hands down my pants to wipe the sweat away that has appeared. I don’t understand the emotions that are running through me. “Sorry. I just took a walk.”

  Heaving a sigh, he runs his hands though his hair. “I ordered you a burger. It’s on the table. I need to get something out of my truck.” He steps around me and is out the door before I can respond.

  Returning to our table, I throw myself in the chair. I push the burger away. I should eat after the day I’ve had, but my appetite is gone. I’m fighting enough battles within myself. Forcing myself to eat isn’t a battle I’m willing to fight.

  I glance over and see the cowboy running’s his hands up Olivia’s back. She leans into him. I feel my stomach harden and I look away. I can’t believe I’m feeling jealous over Olivia being pawed by a man she doesn’t know. Closing my eyes, I try to focus on something else when Nash’s woodsy scent invades my space.

  “What’s wrong?” He asks.

  I open my eyes and shake my head. “Nothing.”

  “You’re not going to eat?” I shake my head again. “Jen, you haven’t eaten all day.”

  “Nash…please don’t.”

  His posture goes stiff as his biceps clench. But he doesn’t push it. He takes the napkin that’s wrapped around his silverware and unfurls it before laying it in his lap. He brings his burger up to his lips but stops and flexes his jaw.

  I start to laugh. “Has she gotten to you, or are you looking out for her?”

  He looks back to me. “Huh?”

  “I see you watching her. I can also see you’re pissed. I’m just not sure if you’re pissed at her or him.”

  “She’s drunk. And so is he. Plus, there’s no way he’s coming back to your house.”

  “Agreed. But believe me, she could have that guy on the ground with one swift kick.”

  “Oh, I don’t doubt it. Still, I want to keep an eye on her.”

  I grin. “I know. One of the many reasons I love you.”

  He drops his burger as his eyes dart back to me. “What did you say?”

  I’ve caught him off guard and he starts to blush. “You heard me.” I say. I feel my smile start to grow. “What’s with that face?” I didn’t mean to say it, but it’s what came to mind. And I’m okay with it now that I’ve said it out loud. His reaction is priceless. I figure I might as well tease him about it. The day has been too serious, for all of us.

  He shifts in his chair and moves his attention back to Olivia and the cowboy. “Nothing.”

  “Oh, I get it. You’re a guy and guys get weird talking about feelings.” I nudge his shoulder. “Friends love each other, right?”

  His hands clench and unclench while resting on the table. “Friends…right.” He says. He’s now the one pushing his burger to the center of table. He then throws his napkin down. Before I can ask what’s wrong, Olivia arrives and practically knocks over the table when she bumps into it.

  “Oops. My bad.” Her butt finds a chair, and she smiles at both of us. “You guys look deep in thought. Deep thoughts, ha!” Her words are slurred more now than on the patio.

  “Oh my. You know, you were supposed to get drunk with me, not without me. Wasn’t that the point?”

  “Yeah, but you didn’t want to drink, so I found someone else to party with.”

  “Yeah, and he looks high class,” Nash says.

  Olivia laughs and nudges Nash’s hand. “He does, doesn’t he?” She obviously missed the sarcasm in his voice.

  The cowboy calls out across the bar. “Hey, sweet cheeks. Why don’t you get your fine self back over here?”

  Olivia giggles and starts to get up, when Nash stands and gently pushes her back into her seat. “Hey, what’re you doing? You’re an ass!”

  “I may be an ass, but this ass is saving you.”

  “What?” She tries to stand again but sways and Nash gently pushes her back down again.

  “Why don’t you sit here and keep Jen company? I’ll be right back,” he says.

  “No!”

  I can feel the situation rapidly spiraling out of control. “Liv, p
lease? I don’t want to be by myself. Come on, sit with me.”

  “No!” She gets up and grabs Nash by the shoulder as he’s walking away. “You’re supposed to be saving her, not me.”

  This time instead of forcing her to sit down, he pulls her toward him.

  “That’s enough. Let’s go,” he says.

  “Go? No! I don’t want to go, I’m having fun.”

  I rise to go with them when I see the cowboy making his way over. “Just where ‘n the hell you think you’re going with her?”

  “Home. Now get the hell out of my way.” Nash attempts to step around him, but the cowboy steps in his path.

  “I don’t think so, pretty boy. I’ve been feedin’ her drinks all night. She’s with me.”

  Nash steps the other way. “No. She came with me, she’s leaving with me.” The cowboy grabs Nash’s shirt. Bile rises in my throat as I rush over to them.

  Nash glowers down at the guy’s hand and then steps toward him. “I suggest you let go of me. Now!” Nash is still holding Olivia’s arm, and she’s looking back and forth between the two of them. “The lady’s going home.” The expression on Nash’s face is cold and hard and dangerous.

  Too drunk to see the threat, the cowboy saunters closer to Olivia. “You don’t want to go home with him, do you sweet cheeks?”

  She looks in my direction and I give her a death glare making it clear it’s time to go. I can tell the encounter has sobered her, as she’s no longer swaying. She looks back to the cowboy. “Yeah, I do.”

  “Bitch.”

  The cowboy reaches for Olivia’s arm, but Nash steps in front of him and shoves Olivia into my arms. “You really don’t want to do this.” But the cowboy lunges, and Nash sidesteps him. Nash puts his arms up, but it dawns on me he’s not swinging.

  Cowboy lunges again, but Nash moves back, then trips into a chair and loses his balance, letting the cowboy get a swing in. His knuckles crack against Nash’s chin and I cry out, “Nash!”

  Nash recovers but still doesn’t swing. The cowboy tries one more time, but before he can get to Nash, the bouncers arrive and tackle him. Nash straightens up and lets out a sigh. He rubs his chin and I see a trail of blood on his lower lip. I rush over to him.

  My heart feels like it’s about to explode. “Are you okay?”

  He rubs his jaw and I lightly touch the blood on his lip. “Yeah, is she?” He looks over at Olivia who is covering her face with her hands and sliding down into a chair.

  “Yeah, she’s fine. But it’s time to call it a day.”

  “I agree. Let’s go.”

  I grab a napkin from the table and dip it in my ice water. “Hold still.” I touch Nash’s lip with it and he briefly closes his eyes. “You sure you’re all right?”

  His eyes open, and I can feel his breath on my face. The world disappears around me. He brings his hand to my face and moves it to my ear, where he tucks a piece of my hair behind it. “You know, you and I ask that too often of each other.”

  I take a deep breath and try to focus on the task at hand. But then I’m staring at his lips, so I focus on his eyes. That’s not any better. I swallow. “I agree. I think we’re both just doomed.” He smiles. “Let me go grab the pain in the ass so we can finally get out of here.”

  I then realize that while I was taking care of his lip, his other hand made its way to my waist. He doesn’t move. Neither do I. I should move. Nash’s eyes roam down my face, and then they shift over my shoulder. He pulls away and the loss of him sends a cool breeze down my body. “I’ll pay our bill and pull the truck around. I want to make sure that asshole isn’t waiting outside.”

  As Nash heads outside, I yell, “Watch your back.” He gives me a wave over his shoulder and walks out.

  My pulse is still racing as I spin toward Olivia who is smirking at me. “What the hell is that smile for? He could have gotten hurt because of you.”

  “It wouldn’t be because of me. He was doing that for you.”

  “What are you rambling about?”

  “You think a guy protects a girl’s best friend like that just because?”

  “Yeah, most decent men would.”

  Olivia shakes her head. “You’re still blind when it comes to this crap.”

  My body tenses as I drag my hands through my hair and look away from her. “Nash is bringing the truck around. Let’s go.” I throw the napkin on the table, grab my purse, and start to walk toward the door. I notice she isn’t following me so I turn back. She’s still sitting. “Are you in shock or just deaf? I said let’s go.”

  “I’m sorry,” she says.

  I release a ragged breath as I make my way over to her. Kneeling, I take Olivia’s hands and realize I feel sorry for her. My life is screwed up, but so is hers, just in a different way. She thinks I’m hiding? She’s the one who has hidden behind one-night stands and superficial relationships her whole life. She doesn’t even know what I’ve lost because she’s been too afraid to have it for herself. I’m not sure what’s worse. The fact that I had it and lost it or the fact that she doesn’t even know what it feels like to be in love. I can’t blame her for how she grew up. Her mother’s revolving door of men didn’t teach her anything about having a good relationship. She’s never actually seen it up close.

  “It’s all right. But you owe Nash an apology. He defended you and got popped in the chin because of it.”

  “I feel terrible. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “What got into you tonight? This isn’t like you.”

  “I…I just….” She leans her head into her hands and stares down at the table once again.

  “What?”

  She then leans back in her chair and says, “I miss him too, you know. I miss who you were with him. And I can’t stand to see you in this much pain.”

  I need to stop forgetting I’m not the only one that lost him. I’m about to say just that when I see Nash in the doorway. “Come on, we can talk about it when we get home.”

  I help her up and let her cross in front of me toward Nash. “You okay?” he asks her.

  She nods her head. “Yeah. You?”

  “I’ll live.” He tries to look angry and intimidating, but repeating the words she used on me earlier shows he’s not. “Come on sweet cheeks, let’s go.” She smiles weakly, and I know they’ll be fine.

  We all climb into the truck and pull away. Olivia’s fidgeting next to me. She knows she needs to apologize to Nash, but she doesn’t want to. I finally nudge her and glare.

  She blows out a breath. “Nash, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to escalate to that.”

  Nash chuckles to himself. “It was nothing compared to the hits I used to take in juvie.”

  Both Olivia and I say “Juvie?” at the same time. She and I look at each other and then to Nash, where his mouth hangs open in shock. He mutters a curse word under his breath.

  What is he talking about? He’s never mentioned anything about juvie before. I remember him saying he had a friend who went to juvie, but I didn’t know Nash was in there with him. Why has this never come up before today? “What were you in juvie for?” I ask.

  “Ah, hell Jen, haven’t we been through enough today?”

  Olivia picks this opportune moment to chime in. “Hell no, I want to hear this.”

  I see Nash plead with his eyes to let it go, and after everything he’s done for me today, it’s the least I can do. “He’s right, Liv. We’ve all had a long, hard day. Let’s drop it.”

  Olivia groans and sits back against the seat with her arms crossed. I glance at Nash, and he mouths thanks.

  I want to smile but I don’t. I simply nod and focus on the road ahead of us. His past is a mystery, and I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with the accumulating questions. I don’t want to push him to tell me things he’s not ready to reveal. But on the flip side, I wonder what he’s not telling me.

  I decide to let it go as we pull into the driveway. Today wasn’t what I expected, but I
wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m thankful I didn’t spend it drowning in pain. But as Olivia and I shuffle out of Nash’s truck, that ache in the back of my throat returns. Am I ready to walk back into the shrine where time doesn’t move? Even though Olivia’s a pain in the ass, she’s right. Something has to change.

  Chapter 28

  I walk ahead of Olivia as Nash backs out of the driveway.

  Olivia lightly chuckles. “I’ve got to tell you kid, I don’t get what you see in hiking.” I love how she starts a conversation like nothing happened back there.

  Jabbing my key in the lock, I walk through the door and wait for Olivia to follow. She saunters into the dining room, where she picks up a shot glass and pours herself a drink. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough for one night?” I ask.

  “Not really.” She picks up the glass and downs it and then pours me one. “Wasn’t this the plan?”

  I walk around her and pick up the shot glasses, including the full one, and move to the sink where I throw it down the drain. I move back to the table and pick up the bottles, shoving the caps on them, and put them away.

  “What’s eating you?”

  I swirl around and glare at her. “Me? Do you mind telling me what the hell all of that at the bar was about?”

  Olivia leans against the doorframe to the kitchen and crosses her arms over her chest. “What? I thought we were supposed to be getting your mind off things.”

  “You think trying to pair me up with Nash is going to help me get over my husband?” She stares at me silently. “And I don’t know what you said to him while I was upstairs, but I heard you guys bickering about something on the trail. Then I overheard you on the patio at the bar. Care to fill me in?” She doesn’t move. Not her body. Not her face. Not her eyes.

  Dropping into a chair, I unlace my shoes and kick them across the floor. “Fine. I bet I can guess.” I grasp the edge of the table and lean forward.

  Lazy steps drag Olivia to the chair, where she leans back and slams her shoes on my expensive dining table. She moves her hands behind her head and glares at me. “Try me.”

  “You’re trying to play matchmaker!” We stare at each other as I clutch my fist until my nails dig into the palm of my hand. Heat is rising in my neck. “You’re not even going to bother to defend your actions today?”