The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “Which actions are you talking about?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, the knight in shining armor joke, or the Casanova comment.”

  “Just trying to lighten the mood, kiddo. Didn’t know it would bother you so much.”

  “Bull. After our conversation upstairs, you knew exactly what you were doing. I don’t understand why you felt it was necessary to start this crap, today of all days.”

  Dropping her feet to the floor, Olivia leans onto the table, so our eyes are level with one another. “And what about today?”

  “What?”

  “Say it. What about today?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What is it about today, of all days, that is so hard for you?” I laugh because I don’t trust myself not to pop her in the face. Tears well up in my eyes and I look away. “Parker?”

  I gaze out the window, but it’s too dark to see anything but our reflections. I watch as she leans over and reaches for my hand. Snatching my hand away, I whisper, “Don’t.”

  “I’m not trying to hurt you.”

  “Well, you are.”

  “I think you’re doing a pretty good job of that yourself.”

  I turn around and wipe at two stray tears. “And how am I hurting myself?”

  “You’re not addressing what’s in front of you.”

  “What, you think Nash has feelings for me, is that it?”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

  I rest my forehead in my hands and have this uncontrollable urge to pull at my hair. “My God, Olivia. I swear, would you just spit out whatever it is you want to say!”

  “There’s something I want you to say first. That you need to say and that I need to hear you say.”

  “What? What is so damn important for me to say? What!” Shoving myself out of my chair, I start to pace the room. I want to break something, damage something until it’s as broken as I am.

  “Why are you getting so defensive?”

  Her calmness is only making me angrier. “I don’t know what the hell you want from me. This is worse than the damn intervention my family tried to pull on me. At least with them I knew what they wanted me to do. I wouldn’t do it, so I walked out.”

  “What did they want?”

  “Go into therapy, get help, deal with my grief.”

  “And why did they want that for you?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t understand it then, and I don’t understand it now. Everyone wants me to respond or react in a certain way, and I’m sorry, but I’ve never been a widow before, so I don’t know how I’m supposed to be acting.”

  Olivia has turned her body and leaned her arm on the back of the chair as I pace around the room. I’m tempted to get the booze back out, but it will only prolong this conversation. I just want it to be over. I want this day to be over. I sit next to her as my chest feels constricted. She scoots her chair closer and grabs my hand. “Parker.”

  I take a deep breath, and then another one trying to calm myself. I don’t even know what’s got me so worked up.

  “Parker, I’m genuinely frightened.”

  I remove my hand from hers and wearily, I lay my head down on the cool wood of the table and angle my face toward her. “You? What could possibly be scaring you?”

  “I’m scared for you.” She looks around the room, and her eyes land on the picture above the mantel of Jeff and me on our wedding day. “I’ve always been jealous of you.”

  My mouth falls open. “What are you talking about?”

  She smiles. “I’ve hidden it all these years because we each had a role to play in our friendship. I was the loud, outspoken one who put myself out there for guys because I knew I would never let them close. So it didn’t matter to me if they were in my bed at night and out the door the next morning. I’ve never been the type of girl who needs a guy, but I’ve always envied that about you.”

  “Envied me? I thought you saw that as weak.”

  She laughs. “Weak? You have to be strong to allow yourself to be vulnerable to completely give yourself to someone. You have to be strong enough to trust them with your life, your future, with the worst of you. You have to be fierce with your heart to completely give it over to someone. But you do that. You’ve always done that. You can count the number of friends you have on one hand because once you let someone in, they’re in. They’ve broken through your walls, and they’re never going to let you go because it was so damn hard to get there in the first place.” She shakes her head. “I let people in easily because I know I’ll be able to handle them walking right back out. You’re not built like that. When you love someone, it sticks.”

  For the second time today, Olivia wipes away tears on her face. “But Jeff left you. Your baby left you. Not by choice, but they left, and I’m not sure anymore that you’re going to survive that.” Her face crumples as tears streak down her face. I reach out my arms and she falls into them. I soothe her hair and try to focus on the irony of me comforting her when she sniffles.

  “I don’t even recognize you. Not just physically. But your passion, your humor, your fight…they’re gone. I don’t know who this person is.”

  “Liv, sometimes I feel that there is no me left—just this empty, hollow shell.”

  She pulls back and grabs my shoulders. “Do you think this is what Jeff would want for you?” She shakes me. “Well?”

  I whisper, “No.” We sit in silence. “I haven’t quite figured out how to live without them yet.”

  “I get it. I see you struggling. But I think you need to find out who you are without them. You have some hard decisions to make. And it’s time, Parker.”

  My eyes shoot up to Olivia’s. “Any suggestions?”

  She looks around. “Like what you’re going to do with this house. You know your parents can’t continue to pay the mortgage on this. Plus, I don’t know how you stand it.” She shoves herself away from the table, and now she’s the one pacing. “It’s hard for me to even be here. Everything reminds me of the two of you. And I walked by the nursery when I was putting my bag in the guest room. Even though the door was shut, I know what’s in there. Just the idea made me want to crumble onto the floor and cry. I don’t know how you can continue to stay here; the damn place is like a mausoleum.”

  In despair, I run my fingers through my hair and squeeze tight. “It’s all I have left of them.”

  “That’s not true.” She squats in front of me. “You have pictures. You have mementos, you have memories.”

  It’s not enough but she’s right. I need to accept that’s all I’ll ever have.

  “Are you going to join another firm?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “I’m done being a lawyer.”

  “Then you know you can’t afford this house.”

  “What do you want me to do, Liv?” I’m pleading for her to be specific.

  “I want you to give yourself a break. Accept the fact that you’re no longer going to be a lawyer and that’s okay. And accept the fact that you can’t keep this house, or Jeff’s things, or the things in the nursery, and that’s okay.”

  My throat thickens as two tiny tears fall from my eyes.

  Olivia walks over to me and wraps me in her arms. “No one is going to think less of you. No one is going to judge you. But Jeff would want you to move on. You have to move on.”

  I push away from her. “How can you say that? You don't know what Jeff would want for me.”

  “Yes, I do, and so do you. I don’t know why you’re punishing yourself. He would want you to be happy.”

  Olivia doesn’t know the truth. She doesn’t know that I’m the reason both Jeff and my unborn child are dead. If I hadn’t been so stubborn and so selfish, Jeff would never have gone for a drive that night. I don’t deserve to move forward. But she’s right about the house. I’ve been avoiding reality. I can’t imagine packing up our belongings and leaving the house behind, but there’s no way I can keep it. But today, of all days, is not the day t
o think about it.

  I’ve had enough. I’ve dreaded this day for so long, but I survived and I’m beyond exhausted. “Liv, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” I brush past her and make my way through the dining room.

  “Parker, wait!” She comes trailing after me. “Please don’t shut me out. You know I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know.” I move toward the stairs and don’t stop when she calls out.

  “I’m only trying to help you.”

  “Goodnight, Liv.”

  “I’ll be right down the hall if you need anything, okay?”

  I don’t bother to answer her. She’s trying to help, but bringing up Jeff and what he would want for me was the last straw. No one knows the full story of what happened that night. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell anyone, and I doubt I ever will. It’s a secret I plan to carry with me because I could never trust anyone with it. If someone knew that about me, they would never look at me the same way again. I didn’t gamble. I played it safe by getting married, getting a good job, and getting pregnant. It wasn’t risky, but I lost it all anyway.

  I strip off my clothes, climb into bed, and move my body away from Jeff’s side. I remember lying in his arms just a year ago. Then we argued about what our future would look like. Over the past year, I’ve reflected on every fight we ever had, and I wish nothing more than to take them back, all of them. But that fight, that night, will haunt me until the day I die.

  I’m ready for sleep to come. Just as I’m about to drift off, my phone dings. I reach over and pick it up.

  “I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult today was and I know you still have hard days ahead. But I wanted to tell you that I see you getting stronger each day. I see you smile and laugh, and I know Jeff would want that for you. I hope you enjoy your time with Liv but if you need anything, you know where to find me. Good night Jen. ~ N.”

  I throw the phone back down on the night stand and ignore how that text made me feel.

  Chapter 29

  I flip through a magazine, not looking at anything in particular, when the bell on the door rings and Nash walks through it.

  Tension rolls off his body. His smile looks forced and his eyes are jumpy. He immediately sits down and I slide the coffee I ordered for him to the center of the table.

  “Rough day?” I ask.

  He looks up from the table before saying, “Hmm?”

  “I said, rough day?”

  “No. Yeah. I guess.”

  “Wanna talk about it? Did you lose a patient or something?”

  “What? No, nothing like that. It’s not work related.”

  “Oh.” Nash still hasn’t shared a lot about his personal life. Olivia and I were both curious about his juvie comment. Olivia even tried to find something online the next day, even though I tried to explain the whole purpose of being charged as a juvenile was so your record didn’t follow you around the rest of your life. But as usual, she didn’t listen. She wasted two hours and found nothing.

  “Did Olivia leave?”

  There is something off about him today, but as usual, it’s like working with the CIA. I’m always on a need to know basis, and whatever he’s struggling with, he apparently doesn’t think I need to know. “Yeah, she left yesterday. She only had the four days off.”

  “Oh. I guess I assumed she was still here since I hadn’t heard from you.”

  “No, I had some stuff to think through.”

  “Anything you want to talk about?”

  I hesitate. Once I say it out loud and to someone else, it’s out there, and I can’t take it back. I take a deep breath. “I think I need to sell the house.”

  Our eyes meet, and his forehead scrunches together. “Whoa, where is that coming from?”

  “Hurricane Olivia.”

  He laughs and cocks his head to the side. “What?”

  “She means well and I love her to death. Probably one of the things I respect most about her is that she tells it like it is. But her approach can be a little harsh sometimes.”

  “She loves you.”

  “I know, and she’s right. It’s just hard to hear.”

  “What exactly did she say?”

  “That I need to move on, that Jeff would want me to be happy. If I’m not going to be a lawyer, then I can’t afford to keep the house.”

  “Are you’re sure that’s what you want?”

  “Nash, I’m not sure of much, but I’m confident that I will never practice law again. It just doesn’t feel right anymore.”

  “Have you thought about what you do want to do?”

  “Nope. That will come, but I need to take care of some other things first. And I guess the best place to start is selling the house.”

  “How can I help?”

  “I don’t know yet, but thanks.”

  “When you’re ready, let me know. Did you have a good visit with Olivia?”

  “I’m glad she came, but we fought quite a bit so it was kind of hard.”

  “What did you fight about?”

  I chuckle. I’ve never lied to him before, so there is no point in starting now. “You, actually.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t appreciate what she was trying to do. She told me that she confronted you about our friendship.”

  “Oh.” His eyes roam around the room and he shifts in his seat.

  “Why didn’t you tell me she confronted you?”

  His eyes return to mine and his shoulders slouch. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want you thinking…I don’t know…that…”

  “That you put that idea in her head?”

  “Basically.”

  “I wouldn’t. I don’t. I know her. She means well. She only wants me to be happy. But she also knows you can’t force something between two people.”

  “Force?” Nash jerks upright and leans back, crossing his arms across his broad chest. “Maybe she just sees something you don’t.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Nash runs his right hand through his hair and pulls on it. He shakes his head and forces a smile back on his face. “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything by that. I didn’t mean to be the cause of tension between the two of you.”

  “It’s not your fault. She doesn’t understand our relationship, and she was butting her nose in where it didn’t belong, but that’s Olivia for you. She thinks I can just click my heels and move on to a different life. But this isn’t a fairytale. Not all stories have happy endings. That’s not how life works.”

  Nash’s eyes roam over my features and land back on my eyes. His jaw works back and forth, and he opens his mouth only to shut it again and look away. As he does, my eyes move down and land on his hands resting on the table in front of me. They’re clasped in one another and gripping each other so hard that all his knuckles are white. An uncomfortable tension washes over me, and I don’t like it. This isn’t how things usually are between Nash and me. I’ve said something wrong but I’m not sure what.

  Is he offended somehow? Does he feel rejected? That’s it! He’s not the type to be rejected by women. I reach for his hand, hoping to break the tension. He pulls back like I’ve lit him on fire. He forces a smile and puts his hands where they were before.

  I try to lighten the mood. “She should know better. No offense, but you’re not my type.” I try to be playful. It’s not a side of myself I’m used to anymore, but I’m trying. Some things Olivia said to me this past week did break through my cold, dead surface. The only way I’m going to continue to move forward, is to try.

  He smirks and all of the emotions that were previously reflected in his eyes are gone. “Oh yeah, why is that?”

  I lean in and he follows. I whisper, “Well, I’ll let you in on my secret. I usually go for tall and handsome guys.” I purposefully leave out dark because if there is anyone who fits the epitome of tall, dark and handsome, it’s Nash.

  He smirks at
me and then asks, “Did you just call me short or ugly or both?”

  I laugh and pull back. Suddenly I don’t want to be that close to him. “You're definitely not ugly or short, but the motorcycle and tattoos would be a first for me.”

  “You know, change isn’t always a bad thing.” He winks at me. “Besides, I will get you on a bike one of these days.” He’s right, change isn’t always a bad thing, and there are numerous things about my life that need to change. Starting with our house.

  Chapter 30

  I’ve always been someone who, once I put my mind to something, there is no stopping me. Which is why I was probably so successful at grieving. It took me a whole year to realize I didn’t want to be an expert at grieving. So once I decided to take the next step, it was like a whirlwind. It took me several days, but I managed to go through what I needed to go through. It was probably the most painful part of the process. There were a lot of tears, and some alcohol involved. But I did it. Another step that I had to take.

  I knock on the door, anxious as the first day I met her. Except on that day I had Jeff to support me. He told me, “Don’t worry babe, she’s going to love you.” The door opening pulls me back to the present, and Doris smiles at me.

  She sighs. “Jensen.”

  “Hi Doris.”

  She steps down and gives me a hug. “It’s been a while.”

  There’s something about her embrace that reminds me of Jeff. “I’m sorry. I don’t have a good excuse.”

  “Yes, you do. I know it’s hard to see me without him. It’s hard for me to see you without him.” She touches the end of my hair and smiles. “You grew your hair out. Come in.”

  I pick up the box and walk inside. I follow her into the family room as my eye wanders. Nothing has changed. Jeff’s high school graduation picture is still on the mantel. Another picture of him and Megan, his sister, smiling before her prom. Jeff and Doris hugging before she left him at college.

  “You can just sit that down by the couch.”