The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “Yeah, that would be great. How long do you think it should take?”

  “Maybe an hour, depends on how much trouble it gives me.”

  “Sounds good.” I’m hoping he’ll be done by the time Nash gets off work.

  Chapter 51

  Shawn left around 3:30 pm. Apparently, the door did give him some trouble, but he finally got it hung. I spend the next hour cleaning up his mess and then clean the whole kitchen. I finally make it upstairs and take a quick shower. I have a plan for the evening and need to get out of the house.

  I throw my wet hair into a ponytail, grab my camera bag, and dash down the stairs. I make sure the back door is locked and that all of the lights are off before walking out the front door. I lock it behind me and get in the car. As I’m backing out, I check the clock…5:45 p.m. Nash gets off work at 6:00 p.m. He won’t have his phone on him, so by the time he gets my text, I’ll be gone.

  Something came up, so I won’t be home when you get off of work. Had new door hung so you wouldn’t have to worry about it. Talk to you later. ~ J.

  I put my phone back in my purse and head toward a warehouse store to print the pictures I took today.

  When I walk in, I head to the photo printer, thankful there isn’t a line. I put my camera card into the slot and wait for the pictures to pull up. One by one, they load onto the screen. I see pictures of our house as it was being built, then pictures of Jeff standing in the driveway. There is a picture of my back, standing in between different paint samples on the wall trying to decide which one to go with. Jeff must have taken that without me knowing. I feel a rush of heat go through my body and remind myself I’m in public. I don’t want to lose it, not here.

  I hit “select all” and wait for them to print. I see several shots coming out of the printer of Sammy and Chief. Those I pick up and examine with a close eye. Sammy is laughing while Chief pants at his side. There’s also one where Chief had run and knocked Sammy over, but Sammy laughs as if it’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to him. Another where Sammy is kneeling on the ground while Chief licks his face. I blow that one up for him. As I’m waiting for the enlargement, my phone vibrates in my back pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Nash.

  I got your text but came over anyways. Where are you? Why did you have the door hung? I was going to do it tonight???

  A wave of guilt flashes through me. He’s trying to help, but the only thing to do is to put distance between us. I tuck my phone in my pocket without responding and continue to wait for the photo enlargement. Once it’s finally done, I ask the girl behind the counter for a photo holder so I won’t wrinkle them, and then head back to the car. As I put the key into the ignition, my phone vibrates again.

  You okay? You’re kind of scaring me. Are we okay?

  He needs to stop worrying about me. I’m not his concern.

  Everything’s fine. Over at my parents. Haven’t seen them for a while. I didn’t want you to have to worry about the door, so I just had the landlord take care of it – it’s his job remember ;) Talk to you later. ~ J.

  Glad to hear it. Tell your parents I said hi. Text or call me when you get home.

  I hate lying to him, but it’s for the best. He feels pity for me and a sense of obligation. He knows I don’t have anyone else, but the fact of the matter is, I’m not his responsibility, and I don’t want his pity. I’m strong enough now to handle things on my own, even if he doesn’t believe it. I put my phone back in my purse and head toward the library.

  Once I locate the photography section, I find several books I’m interested in. I fumble with them as I sit at a table. I pull out my notebook and pen and sit down to start flipping through them.

  I’ve always enjoyed photography, but it was always just a hobby. I’ve been told I have an eye for it but haven’t actually studied it since I took a class in college as an elective. Yet, today, there was something invigorating about taking pictures of Sammy and Chief. Like freezing a moment in time. That moment becomes a permanent memory that you can enjoy over and over again. Since Jeff has been gone, pictures of us have drawn out all sorts of emotions in me. Some sad, but mostly happy. Remembering who he was, who we were. Pictures of people who are gone start to impact your memories as they become foggier and foggier as each day passes. It helps to preserve something you didn’t know you would miss.

  I get lost in the books until the lights flicker. I look down at my watch and see that it’s almost 9:00 p.m. I flip through my notebook and glance at the several pages of notes about aperture and lighting, shutter speed, the rule of thirds. I pick up the books that I am most interested in, take them to the front, check them out, and then head to the parking lot.

  I pull into my driveway and look over at Sammy’s house. I’m so excited to give him his pictures that I can’t wait until tomorrow, and I rush up his front stairs to ring the doorbell. A little finger gently moves the blinds aside. “It’s me Sammy. I have some pictures for you.”

  He gingerly opens the door, and once he sees me, he fully extends it. I see Chief beside him. “Hi, Miss Jensen.”

  “Hey. Here.”

  He opens the photo envelope, and his eyes shine as a smile breaks out over his face. “Wow, these are great. I can’t wait to show my mom. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. Glad you like them.”

  “I better go. I wasn’t supposed to open the door since I’m home by myself.”

  “Lock it after you close it, okay?”

  “I will. Bye, Miss Jensen.”

  “Bye, Sammy. Bye, Chief.”

  The door closes and I wait until the lock clicks into place.

  As I walk up to the front door of my house, I feel a smile spread on my face just thinking about how happy Sammy was to get that picture. I let myself in and walk back to the kitchen, setting my purse down, and pull out the rest of the pictures. As I’m looking at them, I’m startled by a knock on the front door. I smile thinking it’s probably Sammy, but as I open the door my smile fades.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “Nash, what are you doing here?”

  “I knew you were lying to me, but I was hoping you had a good reason. Seeing your smile fade tells me I’m wrong.”

  Sighing, I open the door wider for him to walk in.

  Once inside, he asks, “What were you doing at your neighbor’s house?”

  “Checking on the little boy who lives there. He’s home by himself a lot.”

  “Oh.” He says as he places his hands in his pockets.

  I wasn’t prepared to have this conversation tonight, so I haven’t totally worked it out in my head like I wanted to. I try to stall. “Do you want something to drink?”

  “No, I want you to tell me why the hell you lied to me.”

  I walk to the couch and sit. He follows me. “I need some space, Nash.”

  “Why?”

  “You and I have bared our souls to each other the past few days, and to be honest, it was too much, too soon.”

  I hear him release a breath. “Why didn’t you just say that? I agree. We just need to take some time. Give each other a few days.”

  “No. I need more than a few days.”

  “Wait, what are you saying?”

  What am I saying? I look at him and then I remember. Two eyes full of pity are staring back at me. He sees me differently, and I can’t stand to look him in the eyes. Do it quickly, Jensen, before you lose your nerve. “I need some time, Nash. There is too much going on in my life, and I need us to take a step back.”

  The hurt is evident on his face. “How much time?”

  Don’t let him leave here with hope; it’s not fair to him. “I think it’s best if I spend some time alone and try to figure things out on my own.”

  He opens his mouth and closes it again, only to open it one more time. “I don’t understand.”

  I know if I tell him the real reason, he’ll deny it. He’ll deny that he feels sorry for me. Or that he’s somehow obligated to me be
cause of a promise he made to his sister over a year ago. A promise he kept. He was there for me when I needed him most. “Nash, I’m still working through a lot of things. My house and my career…those things need to be taken care of before I can truly move on.”

  “Is this because I brought up therapy?”

  I didn’t want to lie to him. I also didn’t want to hurt him. But it’s apparent that he’s not going to give up without a fight. And there’s only one argument I can use against him that he won’t try to win.

  “I’ll never love anyone but Jeff. I’ll never move on from him. And now that I know how you feel, I can’t be friends with you. It’s not fair to either one of us.”

  He quickly moves closer to me and grabs my hands. I pull away.

  “Jen, don’t. Don’t do this. You told me you loved me.”

  I lie again. “I’m so sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me the other day and I got confused. I was missing Jeff and used you in a way I shouldn’t have.” I swallow, trying to force the bile that is rising in my throat to go back down. “I can’t give you what you want.” I take a deep breath and brace myself for what I’m going to say. “So…I think it’s best to part ways now before you get hurt.”

  His jaw tightens. “You’re going to have to do a better job than that.”

  I push myself off of the couch. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, you do. Jen, I know you’re scared. You’re scared to move forward without Jeff. You’re scared to move forward with someone who is nothing like Jeff. You’re scared that one day you’ll lose me too. But I also know you’re strong enough to move past all those fears. You don’t want to go to therapy, fine! Don’t. I just wanted to make sure I gave you the chance to properly heal in order to move forward with me. I don’t want to screw this up. But don’t stand there and tell me that you don’t have any kind of feelings for me!”

  I have my back to him, and I know that when I face him, I’m going to have to give the performance of my life. All that is true. But what he doesn’t realize is he’s turned into everyone else in my life. They all see me as the poor little widow. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, everyone who loves me sees me the same way. He was different. He didn’t look at me like that. Now he does, and it forces me to do something I don’t want to do. I can’t be in love with someone who looks at me as broken. If I do, I’ll always be broken.

  I suddenly feel a surge of self-confidence, almost like my old self. With my shoulders back and my head held high, I turn and look him directly in the eyes. “I’m sorry you developed feelings for me, Nash. That was never my intention. The fact of the matter is, I love Jeff. Always have, always will. There is no room in my heart for someone else.” I should be disgusted with myself for using my dead husband as an excuse, but I’m not. Because it’s for the best, so both Nash and I can move forward.

  For a split second, I’m proud of myself. I said it convincingly, because he steps back like he’s been punched in the stomach. Pride quickly turns to shame once I see that I’ve hurt him. The pity he had for me just three seconds ago is gone. Now all I see is rage. His fists clench and unclench at his side. He continues to stare at me for a few moments, waiting for me to falter. But I don’t. I hold my own because I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have. This needs to be over.

  He starts to back up toward the door and says, “Sorry, my mistake.” Turning, he strides out the door and slams it behind him.

  I drag myself to the door and turn the deadbolt. The deadbolt that Nash installed to keep me safe. As I do, the strength leaves my body and I slink to the floor, knowing that the second man I ever loved just walked out the door. And just as Jeff did when he walked out that last time, Nash took a part of me with him.

  Chapter 52

  It’s been three months since I’ve seen Nash. I got a phone call from Julia the day he walked out of my rental house. He filled her in on everything after apparently showing up on her doorstep drunk. I understood why she was upset, so I let her yell at me for forty-five minutes before she hung up on me. I haven’t heard from either of them since.

  But my life has been busy even without Nash. Two weeks after we stopped talking, I enrolled in courses at the local university to pursue an art degree with an emphasis in photography. I’m not fond of the other art classes I have to take to fulfill my requirements, but the photography classes make up for it. I’ve thrown myself into it, and I’m more passionate about it than I ever was about law.

  I sold the house and made a nice profit, so I can go to school full time while also renting a place close to my parents.

  I bend down to take out a plate wrapped in brown paper as my mom says, “Jensen, this place is great.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’m pretty happy with it.”

  My dad walks into the kitchen where my mom and I are unloading boxes. “Plus, you don’t have to worry about maintenance and cutting the grass.”

  “Which means you don’t have to worry about it, Dad.” I wink at my mom and she smiles back.

  They spend several hours helping me unpack as many boxes as we can. We focus on the immediate things, and then I tell them to go home. As they’re leaving, my mom hugs me. “I’m so proud of you.” She squeezes me tighter, and I squeeze back.

  “Thanks, Mom. And I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been easy these past few years. Thank you for loving me anyway.”

  She pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “That’s what parents do, sweetheart.” She leans over and brushes my hair out of my face. “But you’ll see one day.” I know she desperately wants grandchildren, and being the only child, I feel pressure to give that to her. But it’s not something I can think about, not right now.

  She steps away, and my dad gives me a hug, “Call us if you need anything, unless it has something to do with your condo, and then call the HOA.” He steps back and winks at me.

  “Yes, Dad.”

  I break down the last box for the night and peruse the takeout menus that were included in my welcome bag when I picked up my key this morning. Just as I decide on Chinese, I get a text message.

  Hey, I heard you got a new number. Want to come grab dinner with us tonight? Just the old gang hanging out at Montgomery’s Wine Bar…

  Since I got a new number, I haven’t had a chance to program in my old numbers, so I have no idea who texted me.

  Who is this?

  Oops…sorry Melinda

  Melinda…it’s been a long time since I’ve seen or talked to her. I think the last time was the intervention at my mom’s house. I begin to type no thanks and then stop. I haven’t gone out by myself or seen any of my old friends since Jeff died. It could be good for me to reconnect. Olivia hardly ever vists and now that I’ve cut ties with Nash I need to focus on building up other relationships. Thinking about Nash reminds me of Julia. Melinda and her husband, Colt, are close friends with Julia and her husband Travis.

  Are Julia and Travis going to be there?

  ??? Don’t think so…

  I’ll stop by for a little while. What time?

  An hour?

  See you there.

  Chapter 53

  I sit in the parking lot trying to get up the nerve to walk inside. This is the first time I’ve cared about what I’ve looked like in ages. I flip the visor up and shake my head, asking myself why I care. It’s not like I’m going to try and pick someone up. I take a deep breath and try to give myself a break. This is a big step for me. It’s been years since I’ve had to worry about walking into a social gathering by myself. Grabbing the door handle, I step out. Shoulders back, chin up as I remind myself these people are my friends. They love me even thought I haven’t been a good friend to them.

  I walk through the door and glance around. As I do, I see Melinda waving me down. Plastering a smile on my face, I take a deep breath and force myself to take the next step. As I come closer to the table, Melinda stands and Ryan, her husband, follows.

  She reaches out to
me and folds me in her arms. I relax against her. “It’s so good to see you. You look great.”

  I pull back and genuinely smile. “Thanks, it’s good to see you guys too. Hey, Ryan.”

  “Hey, beautiful.” He hugs me, and I briefly think about Jeff. These people were like our family. Dinner parties and holidays spent together. And I let it all drift away without Jeff. As I pull away from Ryan, I realize another couple Jeff and I were friends with is also here. Natalie walks up and gives me a hug, followed by her husband Robert.

  Then I see a guy standing next to Melinda. He’s around my height and is wearing khaki pants with a navy blazer and a blue and white polka dot bowtie. “And this is Stan.” I notice Stan is alone, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. She didn’t.

  I shake Stan’s hand as he says, “Melinda’s told me a lot about you.”

  She did. I give him a fake smile and look at Melinda as I’m still shaking Stan’s hand, “Is that right?” Melinda’s eyes shift toward Ryan, who gives a discreet shrug.

  Yep, I’ve been set up.

  “Well, nice to meet you, Stan. If you could excuse us. Melinda, would you like to go to the restroom with me?”

  “Um…yeah, sure.”

  “We’ll be right back, Stan.” I say.

  “Okay, take your time.”

  “Oh, we will.” I grab Melinda by the arm and drag her to the back of the restaurant. She glances over her shoulder, and I follow her line of sight. I watch as Ryan mouths I told you so before he sits back down next to Stan. Furious, I pull Melinda toward the bathroom, trying to calm down before we get there.

  I push her through the door and whisper through gritted teeth, “What is this?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what was going on with you and Nash and I had already told Stan you were going to be here. I’ve been talking about you for a few months, and he was interested in meeting you. He’s a gr…”

  “Wait, what does Nash have to do with this?”