The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “I texted Julia to make sure she and Travis weren’t coming tonight after you asked and I…”

  “You told Julia?”

  “Yeah, but she…”

  “Melinda! She probably told Nash I was going to be here. You better pray Nash is working tonight.”

  “Why?”

  “Why? Because I’m trying not to see him. He doesn’t have my new number or know where I moved. I’m putting distance between us, and I’d rather not rehash our problems in public. Not to mention, what on earth makes you think I would be interested in Stan?”

  “Jensen, give him a chance. He’s a nice guy, and he reminds me of….” She instantly stops.

  “Of Jeff?” My voice flattens and all the frustration drains away.

  Hurriedly she rushes on. “I just mean that I think you guys would really hit it off. He’s sweet and like I said, he’s been looking forward to meeting you. I’m sorry Jensen, truly, I’m just trying to help. We’ve missed you. It’s been over a year and I thought…I don’t know…we just want you back.”

  Melinda is doing this because she loves me and wants me to be happy, which is all any of these people have ever wanted for me. Before the anger, guilt and grief forced my wall up and I pushed everyone away. I can’t keep doing that or I will be alone, all alone. I may never share my life with someone again in that intimate way, but I need my family and friends. Heaving a deep sigh, I walk up to her and she takes a step back.

  “I’m not going to hurt you, silly.” I wrap her in my arms, grateful for such a good friend. “Thank you, but I’m not ready.”

  She steps out of our embrace. “But Julia made it seem like something was going on with you and Nash.”

  “Not exactly. He’s been a great friend, and he helped me through some stuff when I needed it.”

  “I’m glad to hear you’ve had a friend to lean on.”

  The bathroom door flies open, and Natalie walks through. “Um Jensen, I think you better get out here.”

  “Why, is Stan asking for her?” Melinda asks in a concerned tone.

  “No, but Nash is.”

  Chapter 54

  I march out of the bathroom as Natalie and Melinda follow in my wake. I round the corner and see Ryan trying to talk Nash down. As soon as Nash sees me, our eyes lock and he shoves Ryan aside.

  “Nash, what are you doing here?” I ask, trying to keep my cool.

  “Tracking you down since you moved and changed your number on me.”

  “This isn’t the time or the place for this conversation.” I attempt to brush past him, but he blocks me. I try the other way and he blocks me again.

  Finally, Ryan chimes in. “Nash, don’t do this man.”

  Nash keeps his eyes locked with mine. “This doesn’t concern you Ryan.”

  “No, but it concerns me.” Stan walks forward. Oh, Jesus. Nash’s eyes narrow as they quickly shift and stare down Stan.

  “You sure about that?” Nash asks.

  “Yeah.”

  Nash reaches around Stan and pops a piece of his appetizer in his mouth before smirking at him. “Nice bowtie.”

  Stan attempts to take a step in front of me. Putting his hands on his hips, his jaw juts forward. “I think you need to go.”

  Nash takes a step toward him, but I intervene by putting my hands on Nash’s chest. “Just stop. Don’t do this.”

  Sneering, Nash glares over my shoulder as I feel his tension build. “No, I think we need to set your little boyfriend straight here.”

  I wince when he calls Stan little, but he’s right. Nash has at least six inches on him and probably forty pounds of muscle. He could knock him out in one swift move. And with the anger that is oozing from his body, I wouldn’t put it past him. I grab onto his shirt and hold his chin so that he’s facing me again. “He’s not my boyfriend, and you know it. Now stop.”

  “Stop what? Caring? Fighting? That’s not me. And it’s not you, either.”

  I take a few deep breaths trying to get a hold of my emotions. How dare he walk in here and cause a scene. Before I can say anything else, Travis walks up behind Nash and puts a hand on his shoulder. “That’s enough, Nash.”

  Nash’s eyes stay steady with mine. “Back off, Travis; this doesn’t concern you either.”

  “Nash, stop.” Julia walks up to him, but he doesn’t falter.

  “You too, Julia. She’s going to talk to me.”

  Travis grabs his arm and Nash whips around. I see anger in Travis’s eyes. I push my way in between both of them.

  “All of you, stop it! This is ridiculous. We’re adults, can’t we try to act like it?”

  They continue to stare at one another, each watching closely to see if the other is going to make a move. Nash looks at me and smiles. “You got a haircut. I like it.”

  Blinking, I’m momentarily unbalanced by the change in attitude. “Not the time for compliments.”

  “Just being honest. While we’re on the topic of honesty, I have something to say to you. And I’m not leaving until I say it.”

  Chapter 55

  “Fine. Please excuse us.” I grab his upper arm and try to move toward the patio, but Nash doesn’t budge.

  “No. I want to say this in front of your friends. I want everyone to know how I feel about you. And I want them to hear the truth. Not some version of the truth you’ve made up in your mind.

  “I don’t do that!” One eyebrow raises in disbelief and he gives me a yeah, right look. I look around at my friends who are smirking. “I don’t!” They continue to smirk, everyone but Julia, who is giving me a death glare. I take a deep breath and turn back to Nash. “Fine, let’s get this over with.” I cross my arms over my chest and wait.

  “I get that you’re scared.”

  I open my mouth to correct him, but he puts his hand up.

  “Let me talk, and then you can talk.” He sighs before beginning again. “You may not think you’re scared, but you are. You’re scared to let go of Jeff and your old life. You’re scared to open your heart again because you know it makes you vulnerable. And you’re scared because you feel the same way about me as I do about you.

  “And I know you think you don’t deserve this. I get it. Because I spent years there myself. That’s why I don’t know much about being in love. I never allowed myself to go there. But you…you make me feel, Jensen. Like I’m worth something. I’m no longer the guy that killed his best friend. But a guy who deserves a second chance. A chance to right a wrong that happened when I was seventeen years old. A chance to love and be loved, even though I feel like I don’t deserve it. But I can’t help it. When I’m with you, everything just makes sense. I could never be with someone who doesn’t understand the grief and pain I’ve been in. You understand it, which means you understand me. And I hate that I love that about you. That you’ve been through hell and back and understand me. But without that, I wouldn’t have found you, which means I never would have been saved.” He walks closer to me, and his rough, warm hands embrace mine. He leans down so that we’re eye to eye.

  “I can’t fix you, and you know what, I don’t want to. And I don’t want you to fix me. I need to live with this pain, or it’s like it didn’t happen. And it did. So did yours. I don’t want you to forget the family you lost. I just want to quiet the noise and push away everything we both carry so that the love can come forward. I like that you’re broken. Maybe our broken pieces can form a whole piece? I love you, Jen. All I am asking is for you to let me in. Take a chance and let me in.”

  Hot tears roll down my face, and his thumb brushes them away. I squeeze my eyes closed because it hurts to look at him.

  He leans in and whispers into my ear, “Letting go isn’t about forgetting them, it’s about remembering you.”

  I open my eyes and stare into his. The rest of the room has disappeared, and all I see and hear is Nash.

  “You will grieve forever, and nobody understands that better than me. But you have to find a way to close the wound even though the s
car will linger. You’ll never be the same person you were before them. Losing them made you who you are, who I love. And losing Mark made me who I am. Let me in Jen, please. Don’t walk away from this because you’re scared, or you feel guilty, or whatever excuse you want to give me.”

  He’s threatening to rip down all the walls I’ve built. But in this moment, even though I can’t explain it to myself, I can’t let him. There’s nothing left behind those walls, nothing left in me. He’s lost enough. He would gain nothing by being with me.

  I reach up and my hands move over his chest before I look into his eyes. The moment our eyes lock, he takes a step back. He knows. He knows I’m going to push him away. I have to. It’s what’s best…for him.

  “You’re wrong. Two broken pieces won’t make a whole. All it does is put something together that is already weakened. Nash, you and I are too broken, too weak to ever make something whole.”

  I watch him stare at me, and I expect him to continue to be angry. But he isn’t. Instead he walks up to me and leans into my ear. “I know you’re a fighter, Jen. It’s one of the things I love about you. But I wish you would stop fighting us. The loss between us can’t define who we are.” He pulls back, kisses me on the forehead, and strides out of the restaurant.

  I hear murmurs behind me, and Julia starts after him before looking back at me. “Jensen, Jeff loved you. But he would be ashamed of the way you’ve handled yourself. And you don’t deserve my brother.” She then walks out.

  I close my eyes, take a deep breath and turn to face the rest of our friends. Travis approaches me and says, “I’m sorry…for both of them.” I shake my head and give him a tight smile. He says, “She didn’t mean it. Nash has just been through a lot, you know? I’ve never seen him like this.”

  And in that moment, I feel confident that I’ve done the right thing. Julia’s right. I don’t deserve him. I meant what I said. The trauma that Nash and I have experienced would be a hindrance to our relationship, not something that would make us stronger. He’s better off without me.

  I look up at Travis. “Well, maybe this will give him the opportunity to open his heart to someone else. He deserves to be loved. But your wife is right, he deserves better than me. I don’t have a whole heart to give him, and that’s what he needs.”

  “Well, I’m pretty sure Nash would disagree, but it’s not my place to interfere.” He starts to back up. “I need to go after them. It was good seeing you.” He turns and walks out.

  Chapter 56

  I look up and around at the separation of land and water. I can see penguins swimming both below the water as well as some wading above it. Stan is still talking. He talks all the time, incessantly. I nod and pretend to listen to whatever he is saying. But the truth is, I’m still annoyed that he brought me on a date to the zoo. He didn’t bother to ask if this is something that I wanted to do. I hate the zoo. I’ve never been a fan of animals locked in cages while people pay to gawk at them. But I shouldn’t be surprised. He never asks me what I want to do. I ask myself all the time why we still spend time together, but I already know the answer. So I’m not alone and because he’s safe.

  It’s been almost two months since Stan and I met that night when Melinda introduced us. Two months since Nash walked out. He gave me a good two weeks before Julia was begging for my new number. Two weeks after that I finally gave in, and he started texting me. I don’t ever text back. But he hasn’t given up. He still texts me even though they’re one-way conversations.

  Stan continues to talk about some kind of formula he’s playing with at work, and I nod while wrapping my arms around myself. It must be 15 degrees cooler in here. But I’m always cold around Stan. Especially when he touches me. His hands aren’t warm like Nash’s. Nor are they rough. In fact, I think they’re softer than mine, and it of kind of creeps me out. I pull out my phone and read the last text that Nash sent me, three days ago.

  Hey beautiful…miss me yet? I know you do even if you don’t want to admit it. I miss you. It was a good day at work. I was able to resuscitate a four-year-old little girl that was pinned in her mother’s car after an accident. Her mom walked away without a scratch. She threw her arms around me and thanked me. It reminded me of that day on the cliff and why I love my job. I wish you were here for me to share this story with you in person. So I could look into your beautiful eyes and see how proud of me you would be. I miss that, I miss you and I love you. I’m never going to be afraid to tell you that again. I don’t care if you won’t say it back. I’m still waiting on you to come back to me. I know we were thrown together for the wrong reasons, even though we’re right together. I know you feel it Jen…come back to me…waiting, always. My love ~ N.

  I have another ten or so texts just like that. He knows I’m seeing Stan. It would have gotten back to him by now. But I also know he’s not doing this to compete with Stan. He told me so in the first text he sent after leaving me in that restaurant. He told me that he regretted not saying something sooner. That he needs to share these things with me. And if there are two people in this world who know that your life can shatter in the blink of an eye, it’s him and me. And he reminds me often of that fact. Even though I don’t need that reminder. I can’t explain what I’m waiting for.

  “Jensen?”

  “Huh?’

  “I asked if you think you’ll be ready.”

  “Ready?”

  “For your exhibit?”

  “Oh, sorry. Yeah, I mean I think so. I’ve never done this before, but my professor assured me that I have enough pieces for a respectable showing.”

  “That’s great. I’m proud of you and the fact that you’ve already been asked to be part of the university’s photography exhibit.”

  “Oh, that reminds me. I need to run by Sammy’s tomorrow and get his mom to sign a release since I’m using one of his pictures for the show.”

  “Who’s Sammy again?”

  I want to groan but I don’t. I smile and try to be patient even though I’ve told Stan three times that Sammy is my former neighbor. “Remember, he’s the little boy with the dog?” He still looks confused. “The one that was my inspiration…why I’m even taking this class.”

  “Oh right, Sammy. The boy with the Lab.”

  “German Shepherd.”

  “My administrative assistant has a German Shepherd. She lives alone…” I tune him out again. I miss the quiet of Nash. Of being able to sit next to him in total silence and feel like I knew exactly what he was thinking, and he knew exactly what I was thinking. “Olivia will be here Friday. I’m excited to finally meet her.”

  I tune back into the conversation at the mention of Olivia’s name. She’s not excited to meet you. She’s still pissed at me for pushing Nash away. I respond with a smile.

  “You’re kind of quiet.”

  Finally picked up on that, did we Stan? Why do I bother? “I’m pretty tired. I think I should call it a night. I have a lot of work to do in the lab tomorrow for my class.”

  “Oh, of course.” The disappointment in his voice makes me feel awful. “We’ll come back another time to see the tigers.”

  “Thanks.”

  Fifteen minutes later, we’re pulling up outside my condo. I hate this part. Two weeks ago, Stan caught me off guard and kissed me. I was in such shock that I just stood there, unmoving. It was like kissing a wet noodle. I’ve managed quick goodbye kisses since then, but I know he’ll catch me off guard again. My body shakes uncontrollably as I think about it. “You’re shivering. Here, let me walk you to the door.”

  “No! I mean that’s okay, maybe tomorrow. Like I said, I’m tired and I have a long day tomorrow.” I already know I’m going to cancel on him. The only reason I didn’t cancel on him tonight is because I’ve canceled the previous two times.

  “Okay, well get some rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Good night.”

  I shut the door behind me and hurry inside. Throwing my purse on the floor, I fling myself on the cou
ch. I pull out my phone to read the second to last text Nash sent me.

  Good morning gorgeous, sleep well? I did…I had a fabulous dream of us riding across country. I showed you all of my favorite spots and you loved every one of them. I even let you drive Shirley Jr. If that’s not love I don’t know what is ;) Have a good day…I’ll be thinking about you, always ~ N.

  I smile to myself and pull up his phone number. My finger lingers over the ‘send’ button when my phone starts ringing. I just about drop it when I see it’s Melinda. “Crap!” I’m not in the mood to discuss my relationship with Stan again.

  “Hello?”

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Jensen?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t play innocent. I just got off the phone with Stan. He told me that you’ve canceled on him several times and that you guys finally went out tonight and you ignored him by reading text messages all night.” I roll my eyes. Tattle-tale. But she’s right, so I have no defense. “Well?”

  “Well, what?”

  “Jensen, the guy is trying. He knows what you’ve been through, and he’s trying to go slow, but when you practically ignore him…”

  I sigh and rub my eyes, “I know…”

  “Is this about Jeff—or Nash?”

  I sit up, offended she would even ask me that. “Maybe this is about me, Melinda.”

  “Okay, explain.”

  That came out before I could fully think out the excuse. Several moments pass without me saying anything. I’m too tired for this game, so I finally cave. “I don’t know, okay?”

  “I do. Cut Stan loose. Why are you playing this game with Nash?”

  Now I’m pissed. “I’m not playing a game.”

  “The hell you’re not. I know he’s still pursuing you. He still has hope, and he knows you as well as I do. If you didn’t have feelings for him, you would have already told him go to hell.”

  “Well how about this, how about I tell you to go to hell instead.” Click. I drop the phone on the floor and lie down on the couch. “That was mature, Jensen. Ugh!”