The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  I lay there for an hour and debate how to handle this mess I’ve gotten myself in. I’m painfully aware there is no chemistry with Stan, and I also know Melinda’s right. I need to cut him loose. But now with the exhibit coming up, I can’t. Olivia will be in town for my exhibit, and she can help me work through this mess and help me decide where I go from here. But I have to let Stan go—the man gets on my last nerve.

  Chapter 57

  I pull up outside Sammy’s house and glance at my old place. I’m not sure what I was thinking. It’s amazing the things you do when you don’t have a choice. I grab the form and climb up to Sammy’s porch. I called earlier today to make sure his mom would be home so that she could sign the release form.

  I walk to the porch and smile when I hear Chief start to bark. I ring the doorbell and then walk to the right side and lean over the porch looking into the backyard. “Hey, Chief.” He stops barking, and his tail starts to wag. As I walk away, his bark resumes, but this time it’s a whimpering bark instead of a defensive one. As I head back to the door, I see Sammy looking out.

  His face lights up when he sees me. “Hi Ms. Jensen.”

  I open the screen door and say, “Hey Sammy.”

  “Come in, Mom’s in the kitchen making some lemonade.”

  “Sounds good.” I follow Sammy back and see Regina standing at the counter stirring lemonade.

  “Jensen, it’s good to see you.”

  “Hi Regina. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.”

  “Oh of course. I’m just glad my schedule worked out. I don’t need to be at work for an hour, so Sammy and I were just going to have some lunch. Would you like a sandwich?”

  “She makes a mean PB&J,” Sammy says.

  I laugh and watch as Regina gives her son an endearing smile. “No thanks, but I would love some lemonade.”

  “Coming right up.”

  Regina moves to get a glass, so I start up a conversation with Sammy. “So, how’s Chief?”

  “Oh, he’s good. But he’s been getting into some trouble. He keeps chewing up my baseballs. I think he gets mad when we stop playing.”

  “Oh yeah, I bet so. I know how much he likes to play with you.”

  “Yeah, Mr. Nash has to bring a ball with him every Saturday now. He keeps telling me to bring them in with me, but then he laughs about it so I know he doesn’t mind if Chief chews them up when we’re done.”

  “Nash, that’s a…unique name. Is that a new boy in the neighborhood? Did he move into my old house?”

  Sammy slaps his forehead and laughs. “No, silly. Your Nash!”

  “My Nash?” I look between Sammy and Regina and I see her gently smile as she brings me my lemonade.

  “Yes, when Sammy first told me he had let a man into our home, I freaked out. But then he told me he was a friend of yours.”

  “Nash was here, in your house?”

  “Yeah, I told him about the pictures you took, and he wanted to see them, so I let him in. And then we played catch and he’s been coming around ever since.”

  Still not processing what Sammy is saying, I start to fire off questions. “When was this? How long has he been doing this? He brings you baseballs every week, so you guys can play catch?”

  Leaning against the counter, Regina chimes in, “Slow down, honey. He’s only 10.” She laughs, and Sammy follows. “It’s probably been about two months. It was actually the morning you moved. He stopped by looking for you.”

  That would have been a few days before I changed my number and didn’t tell him. “Every Saturday?” I ask.

  “Yep, every Saturday.” The little guy is practically dancing in place. “But he had to work one Saturday, so he made up for it by giving me a two-a-week. He laughed when he said it because it was supposed to be some kind of joke about two-a-days…I don’t know, I didn’t get it. Anyway, he started bringing me a baseball every time now since Chief chews them up. He even brought me a two-pack last week and said if Chief keeps chewing them up he’ll have to buy a bucket, but I think he was kidding.” Smiling at Sammy, I feel my heart swell. Sammy looks to the ceiling, thinking, and then continues. “At least, I think he was. I don’t know, sometimes I can’t tell with him but he’s funny. I can see why you like him. He talks about you all the time.”

  I feel my face blush and Regina turns her gentle smile on me. Great, a 10-year old knows more about my love life than I do. “Well, I’m…glad to hear that.”

  “I’ll tell him that.”

  “NO! I mean, that’s okay, he probably doesn’t want to hear about our visit, so let’s just keep it between us.”

  Puzzled, Sammy shrugs. “Okay.”

  Regina cocks her head to the side and smirks while looking at her child. She then looks at me. “So you said there was something you need me to sign.”

  “Right.” I place the piece of paper on top of the table and pull out a pen from my pocket. “I’m taking a photography class at the university, and I was selected to be part of an exhibit at the downtown art gallery this weekend. One of the pictures in my portfolio that my professor loved was of Sammy and Chief. So, in order for it to be part of the showcase, I need you to sign a release form since he’s a minor.”

  “Is it for sale?”

  I wasn’t expecting this question, but I don’t want to lie to her, “Yes, it is. All of my pieces will be on display for purchase.”

  “Oh, so essentially some stranger could buy a picture of my son and take it home with them?”

  I start to panic. If I don’t have her release, I won’t have enough pieces for the exhibit. My portfolio is not as large as the other students since I just started, but my professor took a chance on me. I swallow. “Yes, someone could buy it.”

  “Well, how much is it?”

  I hesitate not wanting to tell her. “The price of all of the pieces will start at $1,000.”

  “Whew, that’s a lot of money. Please tell me you get to keep some of that.”

  “Actually, no. The exhibit is for charity. It goes back to the university hospital for their pediatrics unit.”

  “Oh, well why didn’t you lead with that?” She picks up the pen and immediately signs the release and then hands it back to me smiling. “There you go.”

  “Momma, are you gonna buy the picture?”

  “No sweetie. That’s too much money for us. But the good news is that some sick little boy or girl is going to get medicine they can’t afford because of your and Chief’s picture. Isn’t that cool?”

  “So cool!” Sammy jumps down from his seat and heads toward the back door, “Jensen, do you want to play with Chief before you go?”

  I smile. “I would love to.”

  Chapter 58

  Stan and I wait outside the terminal for Olivia. He insisted on coming, even though I was looking forward to spending some time alone with Olivia. “A woman shouldn’t go to the airport alone,” he told me. I waited until his back was to me before flipping him off. Once Olivia meets him, I’m sure blood will be spilled, and it won’t be hers. She lacks that certain tact when it comes to people like Stan.

  She knows I’m seeing someone but isn’t happy because it’s not Nash, so we don’t talk about it. I hear Stan rambling about some flying statistic but I tune him out and watch for Olivia. Finally, there she is. Smiling, she breaks into a run. I do the same. I haven’t seen her since the weekend she was here with Nash.

  She falls into my arms and wraps me in one of her signature hugs and plants a wet kiss on my cheek. “Hey, hooker. You look like hell.”

  “Right back at ya.”

  Liv gives the best hugs. I’ve always loved them. Either you know how to hug, or you don’t. Olivia has always known how to hug, uninhibited and full of love. Jeff knew how to hug. Nash knows how to hug.

  I then hear over my shoulder, “Hi, I’m Stan.” Stan does not know how to hug. Just like his kisses, there is something limp about it. I try to contain my laughter—that’s probably not the only thing that’s limp. Olivia give
s me a funny look and then notices Stan.

  She reaches out her hand tentatively. “Stan, is it?”

  “Yes, hello, Olivia. Jensen has told me so much about you. It’s so nice to make your acquaintance.”

  Olivia’s eyebrows shoot up as her eyes fly open. “Oh Jesus, I’m going to need a drink before we leave the airport.” And then she strides away.

  With a quizzical expression, Stan watches her walk away and then looks at me. I respond with, “Nervous flyer.” And walk away laughing.

  After two drinks with Olivia ignoring Stan the whole time, we finally leave the terminal. We get to my car and they both walk to the passenger door. “How about you hop in the back, Stanley, and give us some girl time?”

  “Um, yeah…okay, sure.”

  She is worse than I expected her to be. Stan leans forward and says, “Let me take you two lovely ladies to dinner.”

  Olivia’s wide eyes shoot to mine. I open my mouth to respond but Olivia beats me to it. “Stan, thank you for the offer, but I’m just coming off two 24 hour shifts and I’m on East Coast time. This girl needs her beauty sleep.”

  “Oh, of course, of course. Jensen, what about you?”

  “Oh Stan, I need my hostess to take care of me and tuck me in so she’s going to have to pass too.” She faces forward again before Stan can respond.

  “Right, well okay.” He leans back and is silent the rest of the way home. I pull up outside his house and drop him off. I should walk him to the door, but I don’t. He climbs out and stands by Olivia’s door. Leaning down, he motions to roll down the window. She looks at me like he has three heads.

  “Olivia, stop!” I roll down the window from my side and Stan leans in. “Night Stan.”

  “Good night. Jensen. Do you want to call me when you get home, so I know you made it okay?”

  “Oh, she’s with me, big boy, so you don’t need to worry.”

  I jump in, starting to feel bad for the guy. “We’re probably going to be busy with girl talk, and then I need to get some sleep. I still have a little bit of work tomorrow before the exhibit opens.”

  “Okay then. Olivia, you’re going to have to let me take you out for brunch on Sunday. Jensen and I go to brunch every Sunday, and we would love for you to join us.”

  Olivia plants on her fakest smile and her fakest voice. “I would love to, Stan.”

  She’s on the verge of laughing in his face so I need to end this, quickly. “Great! Good night.”

  Olivia rolls up the window before he steps all the way back. I wave and finally pull away, leaving him standing on the curb.

  “Brunch? What the hell is this, Parker?”

  “What?”

  “I can’t believe Nash hasn’t kicked the shit out of that wiener.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, he considered it, trust me.”

  “I wanted to kick the shit out of him the first twenty seconds I met him. What are you doing?”

  “Liv, don’t.”

  “Oh hell no. Explain yourself.”

  “What? He’s nice.” I’m thankful I’m driving and don’t have to look her in the face.

  “What does he do?”

  “He’s an accountant.”

  “Shocker.”

  “Olivia—”

  “Don’t, Parker. You look like a fool.”

  “Excuse me?” I try to keep my eyes on the road, but I briefly glance at her.

  “Seriously, everybody but him knows what you’re doing. Hell, he probably even knows but is still following you around like a toddler follows their mama. He’s just holding out hope you’re going to change your mind.”

  “Can we please talk about something else?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Fine, I like him, okay? He’s nice and funny and he treats me good.”

  “Oh yeah, what base you on?”

  I groan, “Seriously, are we fifteen again?”

  “I don’t know, are we? I have a funny feeling you went further with Derek Nielson in 8th grade than you have with Stan the man there.” Not being able to contain myself, I start laughing at the Stan-the-man comment. “Don’t try to get out of this by laughing at me. I already know I’m funny. Now answer the damn question!”

  I keep laughing, but she remains quiet. I look at her and her eyebrows are touching her hairline. She’s not going to let it go until I answer her, so I finally give in. “Okay, you’re right. Happy?”

  “Are you?”

  “Huh?”

  “Parker, are you happy?”

  “Yes, I’m focused on my photography and my classes. It’s nothing like being a lawyer. I found something that brings me joy and even though my future is uncertain, I’m happy.”

  “Does that keep you warm at night?”

  I pull into my assigned parking spot and shut off the engine. I lean my head back against the head rest and close my eyes. I wait a few moments before looking over at her. “What do you want from me, Liv?”

  “I just want to understand, that’s all, and then I’ll drop it.”

  “How can I explain it to you if I don’t understand it myself?”

  “Exactly.” I climb out of the car and hear her yell out, “Where are you going?”

  “In the house. We can have this conversation in our pajamas with a bottle of wine.”

  “There’s the girl I know and love.”

  I pop the trunk and yank out Olivia’s suitcase. “You’re going to be here for two days! Was all this crap necessary?”

  “You already know the answer to that. Now, on to more important questions: red or white?”

  We look at each other and say “white” in unison.

  We change into pajamas. I grab a tub of ice cream and a bottle of wine and sit next to Olivia in the family room. I hand her a spoon, sit the tub of ice cream on the coffee table, take a swig of the bottle, and hand it to her.

  “I’ve missed you, kiddo.” She takes a drink and I smile even though she’s been a pain in my ass these past few months. She hands the bottle back to me, but I decline. I move on to the ice cream. “So, you want to tell me why you’re hiding behind that accountant geek when you could have prime-time, bad-boy hottie Nash?”

  “This isn’t about looks, Liv.”

  “Obviously! But it sure as hell ain’t about chemistry either. I saw it between you and Nash. And even on one of the worst days of your life, it was there.”

  I shove the spoon into my mouth, missing part of it as ice cream melts down my chin. I wipe it off with the back of my hand and go in for more.

  “You can shove that whole damn tub in your mouth as far as I’m concerned, she says. “I’ll just sit back and wait until you answer me.”

  I sit the tub down and throw the spoon in it. “I don’t know what to say.”

  She turns to face me, a serious look in her eyes. “All I want you to do is to tell me the truth. You do that, and I’ll drop it.”

  “And what if the truth isn’t what you want to hear? Are you really going to drop it?”

  “Try me.”

  “I don’t have feelings for Nash. Stan is nice, and we’re taking things slow.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I roll my eyes. “See, I knew you wouldn’t listen.”

  “That’s because you told me you were going to tell me the truth. You might, MIGHT, convince me you don’t have feelings for Nash. But you’re sure as hell not going to convince me that there is any hope of a future with Stan.” I hate her right now. I’ve held this conversation at bay with Julia, Melinda, my parents, and even Nash. I even managed to hold Liv at bay, but that was when she was on the phone. Now that she’s here in person, I don’t stand a chance. She knows me too well.

  She yells, “Parker!” And I jump.

  “What? You want me to tell you I’m in love with Nash? That I’ve been in love with him for months? That I’m terrified of being in love? For me to admit that I’m so damn scared to love him and so damn scared to lose him that I can’t make a commit
ment either way? And who’s to say he would even want me after everything I’ve put him through, put us through? Is that what you want to hear?” I stop screaming and try to control my breathing.

  She smiles. “Yes.”

  “I really hate you sometimes.”

  “I know.”

  I start to cry and fall into her lap as she joins me on the floor. I grab onto her legs as she gently runs her fingers through my hair. She lets me cry until I no longer have any more tears in me. “Liv, I’m scared. Look at what happened before. My life was wrapped up in Jeff, and then I lost him and our child and my whole world crumbled.”

  She continues to stroke my hair. “Parker, that’s what we do when we love someone. We give ourselves to them completely. You can’t prepare for every what-if situation. You have to let go and love again and let yourself be loved. You know Nash loves you. Let him, Parker. Let him love you.”

  Chapter 59

  I pull into my parking space, relieved I got everything done for the exhibit even though I’m running late.

  Bursting through the front door, I trip over one of Olivia’s bags and groan out in frustration. Olivia comes out of my bedroom, mascara tube in hand. “Hey Turbo, calm down, you still have plenty of time to get ready. These things never start on time anyways.”

  “I’m part of the exhibit, Olivia, I can’t be late.”

  “I hung your dress out before I got in the shower. So it’s ready to go. All you have to do is get yourself ready.”

  I kiss her on the cheek and yell over my shoulder, “You’re the best.”

  I run into my bedroom and hear her call after me, “Yeah, just remember that tonight when I’m embarrassing you.” I smile because she’s right. She’ll do or say something to embarrass me, but that’s why I love her. She always gives me something to laugh at. I walk further into my room, pulling my shirt over my head, when flowers on the dresser stop me in my tracks. I walk over to them and smile. I then remember I told Nash the story about the first time Jeff took me out and how I hate fresh flowers.