Where We Belong: Love Returns

by Melissa Tereze

  A knock on the door jolting me from my thoughts, I wipe away the steady flow of tears that have slipped down my face and clear my throat.

  “Y-Yeah?”

  “Are you okay?” Olivia’s voice has a hint of uncertainty laced through it but I put on my best voice and my best fake smile.

  “Yeah, I’ll be out in a few.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure?” She perks up a little. “I’ll put some coffee on.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  Hearing Olivia make off down the hallway, I glance up to the ceiling and try to stem the flow of tears. This isn’t a good situation for us to be in, and I don’t know how to fix it. What am I supposed to say? Sorry your mom died but I needed you here with me because I’m a selfish bitch? I feel truly awful at the moment and I don’t know how I’m going to face my girlfriend. I don’t know how I’m going to move past this.

  Standing, I try to make myself look a little more presentable but I’m failing miserably. I look a mess. I feel a mess. My relationship is just one huge mess and my head? My mind? It would be the understatement of the century to suggest that that isn’t a mess.

  Unlocking the bathroom door, I peek my head out into the hallway and find it empty. The fact that Olivia isn’t waiting for me gives me a few more seconds to compose myself. Compose myself and try to prevent the emotional breakdown I can feel approaching.

  Descending the staircase, I move into the kitchen and glance to my right to find Olivia leaning against the counter.

  “Hey.” She smiles. “Coffee will just be another minute.”

  “Sure, no problem.” Keeping my head down, I cross the short distance to the living room and take a seat on the couch.

  “I just wanted to thank you for being patient with me, Mati.” My girlfriend leans down behind me and presses a kiss below my ear. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

  “Oh, you’ve done this all by yourself.” I try to deflect the praise Olivia is giving me.

  “Still, I’m thankful to have you in my life.” Squeezing my shoulder, she moves back into the kitchen and pours two cups of coffee. “You want it there or are we taking this back to bed?”

  “Here is fine.” I shrug.

  As much as I love rolling around in the sheets with my girlfriend, I feel like now isn’t the time or the place for such antics. She knows something isn’t right but I don’t know where to begin with the sorting of it in my mind.

  “O-Okay.” She places a cup down in front of me. Taking a seat beside me, Olivia folds her legs underneath her body and brushes her hair from her face. “This is nice.”

  “Yeah.” I smile, my eyes fixed on anything but the woman beside me. Taking my coffee in my hands, I lace my fingers around the cup and stare into the hot black liquid.

  “Have you been crying?”

  “Oh, no.” I wave off Olivia’s concern. “Allergies.”

  “Really?” She deadpans. “I didn’t know you had allergies.”

  “Mm, just a few.” I shrug, drinking my coffee. “I have to stop by the office today to finalize some headshots. You have anything planned? I’ll just be a few hours.”

  “Sure, and no…nothing planned.” Olivia breathes out. “Would’ve liked to have the entire day with you but you have to work. Understandable.” She shrugs. “Maybe we could meet when you finish? Share a bottle of wine?”

  “Sounds good.” I nod. “I should get ready.” Finishing my coffee, I throw my thumb over my shoulder. “The coffee was good…just how I remember it.”

  ***

  Sitting in the office, I’ve decided to hang back a little longer than I hoped to. Yes, I’m avoiding Olivia, but it beats feeling how I did this morning. Surely she can see why I’m beginning to blame myself? If she doesn’t, she will soon enough. I’m not sure I want to be around when the realization does hit her.

  I understand that this would’ve happened whether Olivia was at home in LA or not but I was selfish. I hounded her. I repeatedly called her and sent her messages. I can’t help but feel like she was coming back because of that…because of my neediness. Regardless of whether her mom’s death was inevitable, it doesn’t make this any easier to swallow. It really doesn’t.

  Why couldn’t I just leave well enough alone six months ago when I left Chicago? Olivia left me for a reason. She chose not to come with me for a reason. Maybe I should’ve let her go. Maybe I should never have fought for her and effectively begged her to come back to me. Maybe I’m just supposed to be alone. It certainly feels that way lately.

  I feel like I don’t deserve Olivia’s thanks. I’m not amazing, or kind, or awesome for helping her through this, and I feel as though if I continue to be there for her…it will be because of my own guilt. I know it will feel that way before too long.

  “Hey!”

  Jumping, I turn in my office chair to find my boss leaning against the doorframe.

  “Jesus, Rebecca.” My hand settles on my chest. “Can you not creep like that?”

  “Sorry.” She smiles, her deep red hair flowing over her shoulders and finishing below her breasts. “What are you still doing here? Don’t you have other places to be?”

  “No.” I sigh. “I don’t.”

  “Things not going well with Olivia?” She asks as she closes the door and approaches the two-seater leather couch in front of the window.

  I’ve let Rebecca in on my life a little lately and right now I’m glad I did. I could use some advice. Someone else’s opinion. Someone who isn’t directly involved in anything Olivia and I once were, or have since become.

  “Things were going great.” I slump back in my seat, taking my pen between my fingers. “And then it fell to pieces this morning…”

  “How so?” Rebecca sits back on the couch, crossing her incredibly long legs.

  “Last night was…awesome.” I smile as I’m reminded of the incredible evening we spent together. “This morning, too…and then she um…” Shaking my head, I try to hold back the tears I can feel forming in my eyes. “She told me some things.”

  “Oh.” Rebecca’s brow creases. “I mean, you don’t have to get into this with me but I’m free for a little while.”

  “She was talking about her mom and the day she died.” I clear my throat. “You know, how she was at the airport and trying to get back to me?”

  “Mm…” Rebecca nods as she stares intently.

  “Her mom knew she was ill. She knew she was dying.” My voice breaks but I somehow manage to compose myself. “Basically, she sent Olivia away because she knew she was dying.”

  “Oh, that is heart-breaking.” My boss clasps her hands together, waiting for me to elaborate.

  “Her mom sent her back because she knew that Olivia still loved me. She sent her to London to make a go of things with me here.”

  “So?”

  “So, it’s my fault that Liv wasn’t with her mom when she died, Rebecca.”

  “Matilda…” She sighs. “You cannot think like that. If she wanted to come back to you, then that isn’t anybody’s fault. I mean, sure…if she knew her mom was about to die, she would’ve stayed, but that isn’t on you. Olivia made that decision alone.”

  “Then why do I feel like it’s my fault?” I ask. “Why do I feel like I’m to blame for her not being there?”

  “It’s only natural, I guess…but you cannot beat yourself up about something that would’ve happened regardless of who was where.” Rebecca gives me a reassuring smile. “It was out of your control, Olivia’s too.”

  “But I still begged her to come to London.”

  “I understand that you feel guilty.” Rebecca stands and approaches me. “Have you spoken to Olivia? Have you told her how you feel?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “Not really.”

  “You should talk to her.” She squeezes my shoulder. “How will you ever figure this out if you can’t bring yourself to talk about it? That’s why you’re still here, right?”

  “Y-Yeah.”

  “S
o, go and speak to her.” Rebecca approaches the door. “I’ve seen a totally different side to you since she came to London and it looks good on you. You look happy.”

  “I am.” I stand. “I was.”

  “I’d give anything to have what you have.” My boss sighs. “I’ve seen how your face lights up at the mention of her name. How your mind isn’t quite on your work, but it’s still impeccable either way…”

  “Thanks.” I give Rebecca an appreciative smile. “I’m just struggling a little…” I admit. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to apologize for all of this.”

  “You’re not supposed to apologize, Mati.” She says. “You’re not supposed to because you haven’t done anything wrong. Remember that, okay?”

  “Yes.” I grab my jacket. “Yeah, I’ll try.”

  “Get out of here.” My boss throws her thumb over her shoulder. “You have the week off, right?”

  “I do.” I nod. “Olivia wants to take me away for a few days…if that is still happening.”

  “I’m sure it is. Call me when you’re back.” Rebecca leaves my office and glances back, throwing me a wink. “It would be good for you to have someone here.”

  “Yeah, yeah it would.”

  Taking my cell from my desk, I pull up my recent interaction with my girlfriend and send off a quick message. She knows I’m usually finished for the day by now, so I suspect she knows something isn’t quite right.

  Did you still want to share that bottle of wine? Mati x

  Yes, I’m here waiting for you. Liv x

  I’m so sorry. Give me ten and I’ll be there. I love you…

  I love you, too. Liv x

  It’s true. I do love her. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. At times, I wonder if I’d ever truly been in love before I met Olivia Miller. Every time I wonder, I always come to the same conclusion. That she is the only one to have ever had my heart.

  Chapter Twelve

  Olivia

  I’ve found a table away from the hustle and bustle of the employed Londoners around me and while I have a moment to myself, I’m taking in the way of life here. It’s fast paced but that’s my kind of lifestyle. The get-up and go. The hard work throughout the day, but finishing it with a bottle of red, Mati beside me.

  I’m craving those moments with her more so than ever before. Maybe it was the time we spent apart. Maybe I’ve just come to realize that I need her in my life more than I thought I did. Whatever the reasons for my cravings, they are there and I’m not suppressing them any longer. We could be unbelievably happy here. We could have it all.

  We did have it all. We had it all…and then some.

  The two years we spent together, we were almost inseparable. Working together and heading home together was like a dream for me and Mati showed no signs of not wanting what I did. Love. Commitment. Happiness. She didn’t once hint that she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship and I guess that is why I was so drawn to her. I guess that was why I couldn’t take my eyes off her from the moment she walked into my studio and smiled at me like I was the only other woman in the world.

  I still remember the first time she opened her mouth to speak. I can remember how it made me feel inside. My heart fluttering. My palms sweaty. I’d never reacted like that around another woman so I knew Mati was different. I knew she had a good heart. One filled with everything I wanted.

  My eyes fixed on the main door to the bar, a flash of blonde hair catches my attention and a smile settles on my mouth. Studying my girlfriend’s body language as she approaches me, she seems tired. Drained. Anything but her usual perky self.

  “Hey.” I throw my hand up and wave her over.

  “Hi.” Mati sighs as she sits down facing me, her satchel dropping to the floor. “Good day?”

  “It was okay.” I shrug as I change my choice of seat, moving closer to Mati. “You?”

  “Fine, yeah.” Pouring herself a glass of wine, I narrow my eyes and watch as Mati downs it in one go.

  “Whoa!” I hold up my hand. “What’s that about?”

  “What?” She looks at me with confusion. “I just needed a drink…refill?” She motions towards my empty glass.

  “Um, no.” I clear my throat. “I’m good for now, thanks.” Watching her every move, Mati settles back in her seat and wipes her palms down the front of her denim-clad thighs. “Are you okay, Mati?”

  “Yeah.” She smiles. “Just relaxing.”

  You don’t look okay, though…” I arch my eyebrow. “Did something happen? Did I do something?”

  “No.” She leans in a little closer. “You have been great and I’m okay…”

  I don’t know what the hell is going on at the moment but I’m totally confused. Mati isn’t herself and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that is eating away at her inside.

  “Did you not want to come here this evening?” I ask. “You know, with my current drinking habits?”

  “No, this feels good.” Mati sits forward and props her arm up on the table, her head resting in the palm of her hand.

  The sound of the late evening crowd drowning out when her eyes find mine, she stares intently, the uneasiness I’m feeling heightening.

  “Mats?”

  “Are you happy with me, Olivia?”

  “Of course, I am.” I give my girlfriend an incredulous look. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t happy with you…”

  “Mm.” She purses her lips as she reaches for her wine glass. “I’m not so sure about that.”

  “Huh? What is that supposed to mean?” I don’t like where this conversation is going. I mean, is Mati about to break this off with me?

  “How could you want to be here with me when I’m the reason you weren’t there for your mom? Honestly, I don’t get it…” She shakes her head slightly, her blonde hair falling just below her shoulders. “I mean, you said it yourself…you were at the airport coming for me but you should’ve been with her.”

  “No, Mati.” I disagree. “That isn’t what I meant. I would’ve always come back to you. I’m just angry at her for insisting I leave. For not being honest with me about her condition.” I sigh. “She was desperate for me to go and now it all makes sense. She didn’t want me around and you were right. She was trying to protect me.”

  “I still took that choice away from you, Liv.” Mati’s voice breaks and I take her hand in my own.

  “She took that away from me. Not you. Not anybody else. My mom.” I give her a knowing look. “Don’t ever think that you are to blame for any of this, Mati. Please?”

  “I just…”

  “I need us to be okay.” I squeeze her hand. “I need us not to fight or feel guilty about anything that has happened in the past. You wanna know why?” I ask, my eyebrow raised.

  “W-Why?”

  “Because I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, Mati, and this cannot hang over us. It just…it can’t, okay?”

  “You really don’t hate me?” Surprise evident in Mati’s voice, I give her a small smile and shake my head.

  “No, beautiful.” My thumb trails her knuckles. “None of this is your fault.”

  “We’re okay?”

  “Of course, we are.”

  Watching as she breathes a sigh of relief, I lean in and press my lips to her cheek. That soft sweet scent causing me to smile against her skin, I linger, my free hand settling on my girlfriend’s thigh.

  “You wanna get out of here?” I whisper. “Just us?”

  “Okay.” She gives me a slight nod and I stand, pulling Mati up to her feet as I do.

  Leaving our half-empty bottle of wine on the table, I take my purse from the seat beside me and lift Mati’s satchel from the floor. The tiredness in her body is clearly from the worry and the stress she has been feeling since this morning. This morning when I explained things a little differently than I probably should have. This morning when we lay in each other's arms to only minutes later being alone and in different buildings.

&
nbsp; Stopping as we approach the exit of the bar, I turn and cup Mati’s face with one hand. Her eyes closing and her lips parting slightly as she leans into my touch, I feel her body relax.

  “You know I love you, right?”

  “Y-Yeah.” She chokes out.

  “You are the only thing keeping me alive right now, Mati. You mean the world to me…and I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it.”

  “Thank you.” Her eyes flutter open. “For coming back to me. For not giving up on us.”

  “I’ll always regret not coming here with you when I was supposed to,” I admit. “No matter what the future holds for us…I’ll always regret ending things back home with you.”

  “You’re here now.” Mati’s hand settles over mine. “Where you belong…”

  “Where we belong.”

  ***

  Settled down on the couch at Mati’s place, my girlfriend has a tight grip around my body and a movie is playing on the TV in front of us. I’m not sure if either of us is watching it, but it’s providing a little noise to prevent my own mind running away with itself.

  I know Mati is concerned about our relationship and the fact that she believes she is to blame but I’ve never once thought about her playing a part in any of this. I’ve never once hated her or blamed her for anything. She isn’t that kind of woman.

  Life happens. It gets in the way but we have to move forward, right? We have to be the best possible version of ourselves but it doesn’t always go to plan. We hit a bump in the road, we stumble…but ultimately, we come out of it on the other side. I’ve hit more than one bump along the way during my lifetime, but somehow, I’ve still found myself sitting here with Mati.

  “Where are we going?” She asks, barely above a whisper.

  “I don’t understand.” Shifting a little, I find us both lay down on the couch and facing each other. “Where are we going in terms of what?”

  “You said you wanted me to go away with you…”

  “Oh.” I smile. For a moment, I thought she was questioning our relationship. “I thought about maybe a little sun?”

  “Sun?”