For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  Even though Leah was a relatively good child, she always felt invisible. She would do well in school to try and impress her parents, but they never seemed interested. They would politely congratulate her for another good report card, but it was like an obligatory acknowledgement, not a true feeling of pride in their daughter. Her brother Tristan, on the other hand, could get Bs and they would practically throw a party for him; his every action encouraged and supported while Leah was generally ignored.

  Even Tristan recognized the differing treatment between the siblings. He would often tell Leah how bad he felt for the way their parents treated them, but she never blamed Tristan for being the child they loved. She accepted that sometimes parents had favorites and, in this family, she drew the short straw.

  Whatever affection they felt for her waned when they found out about Alex. For them, that was the last straw. They demanded Leah end her relationship with him. By that time, she was fifteen and so deeply in love with him that there was no way she would agree to end it. Her parents had not realized that she and Alex had been together for years already. They had kept their childhood love a secret. It was safer that way. Leah knew her parents were too judgmental to accept that their daughter was dating the foster kid who constantly got in trouble. Alex was bad news, they warned her—but to Leah, he was her salvation.

  She fought with her family for years about her relationship with Alex, and when it was time for college they gave her an ultimatum. She could either end things with him or they would not help her with school. For Leah, there was no choice. She would not abandon Alex.

  Fortunately, she won a partial scholarship and between work and loans she could pay the exorbitant tuition. She didn’t need her parents and they clearly didn’t need her. When she left for college, that was the last day she saw them. She and Alex got a small apartment in Queens and they made a home together.

  Leah tried to keep in touch with her family, hoping that time would ease some of the tension that ripped them apart. She sent cards for their birthdays and holidays and occasionally called, but the strained calls were too painful. It was clear that they didn’t want to talk to her, and rather than face that constant rejection she kept her distance. Leah stayed in touch with her brother Tristan for a while, but eventually she pushed him away as well. Her family had let her down and it was easier to just stay away than try to force affection when it wasn’t there and never would be.

  When it came time for graduation, Leah decided to make one last attempt to connect with them. She invited them to the ceremony. She wanted them to see that she had made it. Despite the odds, despite them, she succeeded. It was no surprise that in this sea of purple graduates and doting parents, hers were nowhere in sight.

  Leah was so lost in her thoughts she barely heard a word Claire said. She wanted to feel Claire’s enthusiasm, but the reality of her life prevented her from finding the happiness she wanted to feel. She would just have to fake it the way she usually did to deflect attention from prying eyes who wanted to know the truth behind her solemn existence.

  “What’s wrong, Leah?” Claire knew her too well. There was no hiding her feelings from her best friend. “Where’s Alex?” she asked, her voice oozing with undisguised displeasure. Claire never hid her feelings. She expressed often how much she resented Alex’s addiction. She didn’t hate the man, but certainly hated his disease. Leah shared that feeling.

  Leah sighed, not wanting to discuss Alex. It would be another pointless conversation that would inevitably lead to a heated argument. She would have to say something to get Claire off her back. “Alex is home,” she responded simply, hoping that would end this line of questioning. No such luck with Claire.

  “Shouldn’t he be here supporting you the way you always support him?”

  Claire should be the journalist, Leah mused, or at least a lawyer with those leading questions.

  “He’s resting.”

  Claire shook her head in disgust. “He’s high, you mean.”

  “Actually, he was asleep when I left.” Leah really wanted to change the subject. “What are you plans for after graduation?”

  The change of subject seemed to work, at least for the moment. “My parents are taking me out to lunch to celebrate. You should come with us.”

  Leah was torn. Part of her wanted to celebrate with Claire and her family, but another part of her didn’t want to face the kind, but pitying looks of Claire’s family when they realized her pathetic friend was alone and had no one to celebrate with on this special day. She would rather sulk at home and feel sorry for herself than to be the object of pity.

  Leah would try to get an extra shift at the restaurant this evening. She could always use the money. Even though she was starting a new job on Monday, she planned to keep her evening job waiting tables. Money was the main reason, but it was also easier just not being home.

  “Thanks, but I have plans,” Leah explained.

  Claire made no attempt to hide her dubious expression. “What kind of plans?”

  “The private kind,” Leah responded. Claire huffed in frustration, but she let the subject go. Besides, it was time to start the graduation.

  Graduation felt like the longest three hours of Leah’s life, but at least it culminated with her receiving her diploma. She was officially a graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree from New York University. She felt great and yet rather lonely as she got back on the E train and sat there holding that piece of paper in her hands while she still wore her purple gown. A few strangers on the train congratulated her and, to her surprise, she smiled. It was nice to be acknowledged. She didn’t want the train ride to end, but before long she was walking up Yellowstone Boulevard and heading back to her apartment not knowing what was waiting for her inside.

  Alex was probably still asleep. At least she hoped he was, because the last thing she wanted was a confrontation with him. She just wanted to go home, grab a sandwich, sleep for an hour, and go to work.

  Leah stood outside her door debating with herself whether to put the key in or flee to anywhere but here. A moment later, the decision was made for her. The door flung open and Alex stood there watching her with that boyish grin that first warmed her heart. He had cleaned up and was looking like his usual gorgeous self. He hadn’t shaved, so the slight beard made him even sexier as his eyes sparkled in delight as he stared at Leah in her cap and gown.

  He had lost quite a bit of weight thanks to his best friend heroin, but he was still her Adonis. He was beautiful as a kid, but he grew up to be a work of art as a man. She knew one day this beauty would fade due to his chronic drug abuse, but for now she would enjoy just staring at him.

  “Congratulations, graduate.” He cupped her cheeks and kissed Leah so tenderly that she nearly cried from his touch. She wanted to be angry with him, but she couldn’t help but return his kiss. She tried to wrap her arms around him, but before she could react, he lofted her into his arms and kicked the door closed. He carried her into their small living room, which was illuminated with candles of Leah’s favorite fragrance jasmine. He placed her gently on the couch and kissed her again before rising.

  “I’ve made you a special graduation lunch.”

  He left her to go into the kitchen. Leah rested her head on the couch and just inhaled the wonderful aroma of food and the scent from the candles. Her mind was in chaos. The last thing she expected when she came home was a celebration.

  Alex returned with two bowls of shrimp fettuccini, Leah’s favorite dish. She sat there stunned, wondering how he had managed to do all this. He was dead to the world when she had left this morning and she thought he had forgotten her graduation, but he remembered. She was so overcome with emotion and weariness, but she would not ruin this moment with tears.

  Alex placed the bowls on the coffee table and then turned to Leah. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the ceremony, but I thought it best if I stayed away.” He thrust his hands in his pockets and shifted from one foot to another. His discomfort was obviou
s. This was his usual stance when he couldn’t bear to face Leah when he knew she would be upset with him. “I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your classmates. I’ve done that one time too many. Today was too special for you to have me ruin it. For once I didn’t want to ruin something important to you. I couldn’t take the chance of hurting you again when this meant so much to you.”

  Leah didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t utter a sound, but her tears did the talking as she wept. She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide her emotional breakdown from Alex, but he wouldn’t let her. He crouched down before her and gently pulled her hands aside. He kissed each of her fingers before he kissed her tears away.

  “I make you cry too often,” he lamented. “Once upon a time I used to make you smile. I don’t know why I can’t do that anymore.”

  The truth was, they both knew why, but she wouldn’t ruin this moment reminding him of the drug he chose over her. “Right now, these are happy tears. I thought you had forgotten about today. I thought you didn’t care. I didn’t expect this.”

  Alex released her hair from her ponytail and ran his fingers gently through it, massaging her scalp. “As messed up as I am, I love you, Leah. My love for you is the only thing in my life that’s real anymore. Please never doubt that. Everything that matters to you matters to me. I wouldn’t forget about your special day. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. You made it. You are making your dreams come true, just like I knew you would. You are so amazing, so strong. I am in awe of you, my Leah.”

  He pressed his lips to hers. This kiss quickly turned heated as his hands traced her hips and her waist. Leah clutched his shirt, pulling him impossibly closer to her. She started to lay back on the couch, bringing him with her, until her stomach chose this inopportune time to growl loudly, breaking the mood.

  Alex laughed as he disentangled himself from Leah’s grip. “I think someone needs to eat lunch. The way your stomach growled, I was starting to think you might eat me.”

  “That’s not such a bad idea,” Leah teased as she reached for him again.

  Alex stepped out of her reach. “No dessert before lunch.”

  “How about dessert first if I promise to eat all my lunch after?”

  Leah licked her lips, and she could see the desire in Alex’s eyes. She relished the fact that after all these years together, he still desired her as much as she craved him.

  “You need your energy for what I have in mind.” Alex grabbed her plate of food. “Knowing you, I bet you haven’t eaten all day.”

  Leah reluctantly surrendered. “You’re right. I ran out the house without breakfast and now I’m starving.” Leah’s body was aching for some nourishment, although she was just as hungry for Alex. First she would eat her lunch and enjoy her dessert in bed with him.

  Leah reached for the food that smelled so tantalizingly good. Alex was an excellent cook. It was a gift. He had no formal training, but he could make something delicious out of the barest of ingredients. As good as this food was, she wanted the chef even more.

  “Stop looking at me like that, Leah,” Alex scolded her. “Lunch first, dessert all afternoon.”

  His promise sent shivers throughout Leah’s body. She ate so fast she nearly choked on her fettuccini, but she didn’t want to lose this moment. It was so rare for him to be like this—like his normal, sober self. She knew the cravings would overtake him soon and he would seek his comfort elsewhere, but for now he was hers and she was not going to let him go.

  She missed these moments. These were the rare times he reminded her of the boy she had fallen in love with when she was three years old. She met him her first day of nursery school. She was so scared to go to school. She hadn’t been around a lot of kids and she didn’t know what to expect, but her mother definitely wanted her out the house. She was ruining her freedom, so school was the only option for her.

  Her mother had dragged her out the car and clutched Leah’s hand as she had pulled her inside the school. Leah was so shy and awkward. She hadn’t known how to deal with all those strange faces looking at her. Then she’d caught the eye of one face that immediately erased all the fear and forever changed her life.

  He was sitting in the corner playing with some blocks, and instantly all the fear she felt turned into relief. She felt safe. She pulled away from her mother and walked towards those mesmerizing Mediterranean-blue eyes. She didn’t even notice her mother leave. She was a moth to a flame, entranced by the light emanating from the little boy who smiled at her as if she were the most special girl in the world.

  When she reached him, she just stood there like a statue. He stood up and told her his name was Alex. He asked Leah her name twice before she finally found her voice again and responded. He said her name slowly a few times until he could pronounce it perfectly. Once he got it, he showed Leah where to put her little bag in the cubby with his, and then he handed her some blocks and they stacked them on top of each other until they fell down. They built it again and again until the teacher told them it was nap time. They laid down next to each other and at that moment Leah had realized she would never forget this boy with kind eyes and a warm, gentle smile.

  Even though she had just been three and most of her memories from this age had been erased with time, she would never forget the face of that four-year-old boy, as he was permanently etched in her soul. He would always be a part of her and, for eighteen years, good and bad, he’d been her constant.

  She loved him even more now, which was why this addiction hurt so deeply. It was pulling him away from her, away from each other. She knew in time this could only end in one tragic way. She would end up burying Alex and burying her heart with him.

  She didn’t want to think of that now. She just wanted to live in the present. At this moment, he was her Alex. The drug wasn’t in control.

  He hadn’t even finished half his food, but Leah was too impatient to wait. She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bedroom. They both laughed at her unabashed enthusiasm.

  “I never made love to a college grad before,” he teased.

  Leah tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She couldn’t help but wonder if in one of his dark moments, he’d taken comfort in the arms of another woman. When she refused to give him money to waste on drugs, did he barter his beauty for it?

  As always, he knew exactly what was on her mind. “Only you, Leah. I’ve never touched another and I never will. You were my first and you will be my last.”

  Leah wanted desperately to believe him, but she knew as much as he meant those words now, they would mean nothing when the craving controlled him.

  His words were true for her, though. He was her first and he would be her last. She couldn’t imagine touching anyone else or being touched by anyone else. It was his hands she craved. His body she needed.

  No more worrying about tomorrow. Leah was determined to enjoy this time with him. “Since this is your first time with a college grad, should I leave on my cap and gown?”

  Alex shook his head. “No. I want to see all of you. Every ounce of your perfect skin.”

  Leah slowly removed her gown before slipping out of the sundress she wore underneath. She taunted Alex as he watched her with brazen desire. “When you look at me like that, I feel stunning even though compared to you I look rather ordinary.”

  “You always look extraordinary. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You would know that there is no one more beautiful.”

  Leah blushed. “I think it’s time for a new eye exam. You finally need glasses.”

  “I see perfectly. I see that right now, you still have too much clothing on that perfect body. Take it off Leah. All of it,” he demanded, igniting a passion in Leah only he could inflame.

  Alex had seen her naked countless times, but she still felt shy around him and somewhat insecure about her figure. She wasn’t as voluptuous as some women, but her body always seemed to mold perfectly to his and he never complained about any aspect o
f her. Feeling a renewed confidence, she stood there shamelessly naked in front of him.

  He slowly walked over to her, removing his t-shirt and unveiling his sexy chest. It was no longer as sculpted as it had been when he played football in middle school, but he was still magnificent. He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down, but in his haste to reach Leah he tripped over them and knocked them both to the bed. He landed with a thump on top of her.

  “That was not exactly the sexy act I was going for. Sorry about that. I feel like an overeager teenager about to have my first time.”

  Every time was like the first time for us, Leah thought. It was always special. The real first time was nearly six years ago on her birthday. She had turned fifteen and Alex was sixteen. He surprised her with a trip to Atlantic City. Using one of his many fake IDs, he booked a room at Resorts Casino. Leah had been reluctant to go because she knew he really could not afford this, but she didn’t want to disappoint him. He was so happy to be able to give her this gift so she could not refuse it, refuse him.

  She lied to her parents and pretended she was spending the weekend at her friend Gloria’s house. Her parents did not seem concerned, but rather relieved to have Leah out of the house. They never questioned her about her plans.

  Leah and Alex hopped on a bus from their town of Lincroft and travelled to Atlantic City. They walked along the boardwalk hand in hand. Alex bought Leah her favorite carnival food, a funnel cake, and he won her a couple of large stuffed animals by winning the water balloon game. The two of them faced off in several games of whack-a-mole, and Leah came out the winner. It had been such a perfect day.