For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  After dinner, they went back to the hotel. The room had double beds, but Leah had no intention of sleeping alone that night. They had been making out for years, but had always stopped before they went too far. That day, however, they both wanted and needed more.

  Alex had insisted that he hadn’t brought her there to seduce her. Leah assured him that she wanted nothing more than to seduce him. They made love that night. They were so young and had little clue about what to do, but once they figured it out, they quickly mastered the art. They spent all night in each other’s arms enjoying their newfound closeness.

  Leah had never felt so complete or alive. She felt like she was home and, despite all of their problems throughout the years, that feeling never changed.

  “Are you sure you want this?” Alex asked as he looked down upon her with a grim expression on his face. “After last night, I would understand if you didn’t want this.”

  After last night, Leah didn’t expect to want this again, but she wouldn’t tell him that. Besides, right now, she wanted nothing more. Alex looked so stern and serious, like he was expecting her rejection and bracing himself for her stinging words.

  There would be no rejection tonight. “I can tell you want this,” Leah said as she reached down and grasped his hardness.

  His features softened as he smiled. “I always want this.” He kissed Leah, erasing all doubts as they made love. Yesterday was forgotten, at least for now.

  An hour later they ended up in the tub bathing each other and making love. This was much different from the previous night when she bathed him after a drug binge. Today, they washed and loved each other.

  Leah had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that this time of bliss was coming to an end. She could sense Alex was starting to withdraw from her, or rather withdraw from the drugs. His body was trembling ever so slightly, but she could feel the difference in him as his tension heightened. Cravings. They were getting stronger as each minute passed.

  She held onto him even tighter, pulling him into the shelter of her body as she wrapped her legs and arms around him. Too afraid to let go, but knowing she couldn’t hold onto him forever.

  “I wish I deserved you, Leah. I wish I was less selfish so I could let you go and you could have a man worthy of your love. I hate hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.”

  Leah rested her head in the crook of his neck; her tears mixing with the water that slid down his back. “Choose me over the drugs. Choose me. Choose us. You can get help for this. You can beat this, but you have to fight. Stop letting the drugs win.” Leah had uttered those words so many times, but the results never changed.

  “I need them, Leah. They take the pain away.” His words so resigned, so accepting of his fate.

  “No they don’t, Alex. They dull it temporarily, but the pain is still there and until you face the demons that haunt you, they always will be there. Heroin won’t save you.”

  “Will you save me?”

  She desperately wanted to, but it had taken her years to realize she couldn’t. “Only you can save you, but I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

  They sat quietly soaking in the tub for another fifteen minutes when Alex broke the silence with a promise. “I’ll quit. I’m done with that stuff, Leah. I’m done forever.”

  She wanted to believe him, but she’d heard those words too many times before. No one can just quit heroin, and he didn’t have the strength to quit on his own. He thought he could, but Leah knew he couldn’t. Heroin would call out to him and he would answer every time no matter what promises he made. That was a temptation he could not resist.

  Leah begged him repeatedly to go to rehab, but he refused. In his mind, rehab was a form of prison and he couldn’t accept the confinement. He tried to heal on his own so many times, but it never lasted beyond the first pangs of withdrawal. The pain was severe. Heroin addiction was brutal and the recovery was a long, seemingly endless journey. He would be better off in a controlled environment where he could wean himself from the drug. But no, he would rather go cold turkey and fight this battle alone.

  There was no point in forcing the issue and having the same argument again. At least not today. It had been so long since they had such a serene and relaxing day together. Leah was not going to waste a moment of it arguing about the inevitable.

  They soaked in the tub until they turned into prunes and then they returned to bed, where they made love again. Leah fell asleep nestled in his arms, feeling a peacefulness she had not felt in years, but she awoke to a familiar emptiness as she reached for Alex in the middle of the night only to touch the coolness of his sheets where he no longer slept beside her.

  Her heart sank with realization even though she went through the motions of putting on a shirt and looking for him in the bathroom and then the living room and kitchen. She knew he was gone. Heroin called again, and like a hapless servant he responded to his master’s call.

  Chapter 2: New Beginnings

  New day, new beginnings, Leah hoped as she prepared for her first day at her job at the Village Gazette.

  She was too tired to be nervous. She hardly slept the night before as she waited up for Alex as usual, but he never came home, never called. He left for work at the bar around six. He was supposed to be off at midnight, which meant he should have been home by one the latest, but as the hours ticked by, there was no sign of Alex. Leah sat in bed worrying throughout the night, praying Alex was alive and hating him for making her worry so much about him.

  That was the story of their relationship. There were moments where she loved him more than life and moments when she hated him for destroying the life they should have been living.

  With morning’s light she decided not to spend another moment making herself crazy distressing about her ongoing saga with Alex. She would focus on her career. Right now, this was the one thing in her life she could control and she wanted to seize it and succeed in it, otherwise her whole life would feel like an utter failure.

  She left extra early to make sure she would arrive on time even if there was a delay on the unreliable E train. She was determined to make a good first impression because, no matter what happened going forward, if she started out on the wrong track, she might never get a chance at redemption. Corporate America could be rewarding, but also quite unforgiving.

  She arrived early and went to a nearby coffee shop to have breakfast. This gave her time to freshen up and look among the living rather than a wearied soul. Makeup could work miracles. The dark circles were barely visible under her green eyes thanks to a healthy application of concealer and foundation. She fixed her brown hair into a tight bun so it looked more professional, and she applied some blush and lipstick to brighten her face even more. She almost looked acceptable. At least, no one on the outside would know that she was falling apart on the inside. Her mask was in place.

  She went into the building and, once she passed security, her new boss greeted her as she exited the elevators on the 32nd floor. Marcus Peterson smiled brightly as if truly happy to see her, and Leah could not help but smile back. He was about thirty, and too good looking, but his best quality was his mind. It was clear from the first word he spoke during the interview that he was an intelligent man born to lead. Leah thirsted to learn from him, for she had a lot to learn about this business. School prepared you for the basics, but there was no preparation for the reality of the actual experience.

  Marcus had been so kind and surprisingly unpretentious during the interview process that Leah knew she would have no problems working for this man. He gave off an aura of calmness, which Leah found herself latching on to as an escape from her daily chaos.

  “Nice to see you again Leah, and welcome to the Village Gazette.” Marcus extended his hand to Leah. “We’re happy to have you here and anxious to get you started.”

  Leah shook his firm, strong hand, and for a moment felt comforted by his touch. For a fleeting moment, her mask of composure slipped, but she quic
kly regained her focus. She reminded herself to be the confident professional she at least needed to pretend to be to keep this job.

  Her mask was back in place and she was ready to resume her role. “I am very happy to be here,” she replied formally. “This is a wonderful opportunity and I hope to show you my commitment and dedication to the Gazette.”

  Marcus’s lips twitched like he was fighting back a smile. “I’m glad to hear you’re so eager—but look, Leah, you can relax here. We’re pretty casual. We wouldn’t have hired you if we didn’t think you were extremely competent. You’ll fit in here nicely. Just be yourself.”

  What does that mean? Leah wondered. She didn’t know who she was. It was like she was defined by her relationship with Alex. She was Alex’s girlfriend, his caretaker, his lover, but she never found her real identity. Well, this was her chance to focus on her life and her needs. This was the one opportunity that was all about her and her dreams. This was a small taste of independence that she would not sacrifice for Alex.

  Enthusiastic for the first time in a long time, she couldn’t wait to get started. “So, where do we begin?” she asked.

  Marcus showed her to her cube. She spent most of the morning filling out HR paperwork and getting her credentials established to allow her access to the computer system. She had a brief meeting with Marcus and some members of his team to talk about their work and what they expected from her. Marcus explained that he wanted her to work on creating a new blog for younger readers to talk about things of interest to this demographic, her demographic. They wanted to attract a younger audience, and social media was the best platform to reach this generation. Blogging could be a huge success if they focused on topics that would resonate with the youth of today.

  Leah smiled politely while Marcus enthusiastically talked. She tried to hide the fact that she was clueless about what interested people her own age. There was nothing typical about her life. She was twenty-one going on forty-one. Life experience had aged her. She could not relate to people her own age. She didn’t know what was typical for people her own age.

  She took a deep breath and tried to focus. She repeated to herself that she was smart and capable. Maybe if she said it over and over again she would start to believe it.

  “I can figure this out,” Leah convinced herself. “No place better to learn than the internet. It’s a wealth of information. I can Google my way out of trouble.”

  She spent hours online searching. She found a wealth of information, but most of it disturbed her. The web was filled with information about reality TV shows, popular music, and the young celebrity scene. All of this was like a foreign language to her, but she was adaptable and she knew she could learn it if she set her mind to it. Nothing was going to stop her from achieving her dreams. She would make this job a success if it killed her.

  She perused this information, trying to find the appeal of this nonsense, but couldn’t understand why this trivial and mundane drama appealed to so many. She had to let go of her skepticism. This wasn’t about her. Obviously this junk appealed to massive audiences, and she needed to understand why or at least figure out how her blog could appeal to this audience.

  Leah worked through lunch reading and researching, and by three o’clock her brain was turning into pop-culture mush. Marcus stopped by to check on her. A very kind gesture from the new boss who seemed very supportive of her so far.

  “Leah, you’ve been at this desk all day. I know newbies like to impress the boss on the first day, but I would be more impressed if you took a moment to relax and at least have lunch.”

  Eat? Leah had forgotten to eat lunch and her stomach hadn’t reminded her. Too engrossed in her research, she lost track of time, but she was close to being done and would rather finish than stop now.

  “I will get something soon. Thanks, Mr. Peterson.”

  “First of all, Mr. Peterson is my father. Call me Marcus. Secondly, I wasn’t asking you to take a break, I’m telling you to. Before you go thinking that I am a bossy control freak, the fact is, I am, but that’s not why I’m making you stop. I’ve seen too many talented people burn out and work themselves into an early grave. There is no point in achieving success if you can’t enjoy it. Take a break, eat, and then get back to work. So there is no doubt. That’s an order.”

  “Yes sir,” Leah replied, startled by his lunch demand but strangely pleased that he cared enough to remind her to eat.

  “Are we in the navy? Why are you calling me sir? It’s Marcus.”

  “Yes…Marcus.” Leah grabbed her bag and headed to the local deli to pick up a turkey sandwich. Her thoughts were for once not filled with Alex, but about her first day of work. She felt a satisfaction so foreign to her. She felt like working for Marcus and the Village Gazette was just what she needed not only to ignite her career but ignite her passion for life again.

  She brought her late lunch back to the office and sat in the empty break room to eat. She checked her cellphone, as she’d turned it off in the morning to concentrate on work. To her surprise there were five voicemails, all from Alex in various states of drug-induced paranoia. He was home and wondering where she was and whether she had left him. She’d told him yesterday that she was starting her new job, but talking to him when he was high was less satisfying than talking to a wall. When he was in his own little world of heroin he didn’t pay any attention to anything she said.

  She knew she should call him back before he overreacted, but she was having such a good day and didn’t want him to ruin it. He probably had passed out by now, she reasoned, so she could wait until work was over to deal with him. The last call was an hour ago, so it likely was stupor time for him.

  Before she could shut her phone off, it vibrated. Frustrated, she checked the caller ID and, surprisingly, it was not Alex but the restaurant she worked at part-time in the evenings.

  Maybe they wanted her to work tonight. She wouldn’t be able to, as she wanted to prepare the first draft of her blog article for the paper. She was supposed to present an idea for tomorrow, but she wanted to show Marcus a completed first draft to ensure he knew how committed she was to this job and her career.

  She answered the phone. “Hello.”

  “Leah, it’s Bill at the restaurant.”

  He sounded frantic. “Hey Bill, what’s wrong?”

  “Alex. He came to the restaurant looking for you and started flipping out when I said you weren’t here. He accused me of kidnapping you and hiding you from him. He was making no sense, but he was getting violent and started breaking dishes. I didn’t want to call the police, Leah, but I had no choice. I’m sorry. They picked him up and brought him to the 42nd precinct. I told them I wasn’t pressing charges, but I just wanted them to get him out of here before he caused too much damage and scared away the customers.”

  Leah’s heart sank. She couldn’t believe Alex would do this, and yet there was no reason to be surprised. “I don’t know what to say, Bill. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I could strangle Alex for this.” Bill had been so good to her giving her this job and the flexibility to work any hours she needed to accommodate her classes. He even gave her a generous bonus to help her cover her books when he knew she was short of money. She couldn’t have asked for more understanding and support, and just like that Alex ruined it.

  “Listen, kid. I don’t like to get into folks’ business, but I gotta tell you, Alex is in bad shape. He’s a good kid and it’s such a damn shame he is throwing his life away for drugs. He needs help, and it’s not help you can give him. You know my brother was an addict. No matter what I did, he never stopped being an addict. I pushed, I pleaded, I prayed. I did everything I could think of to save him, but nothing worked. I couldn’t save him. Eventually, he drank himself to death, but unfortunately, he took his wife and two kids with him when he crashed his car into a truck. That will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don’t want you to be Alex’s victim. He will take you apart with him. That’s what addicts do.”

&nbs
p; Leah knew Alex would never intentionally hurt her, but he’d hurt her so much without even trying. Bill was right, but she couldn’t leave Alex. She just couldn’t. “Thank you, Bill. I am sorry for everything Alex did. I will pay you back for the damage.”

  “Kid, did you hear a word I said? I don’t give a damn about the dishes. They can be replaced. You can’t.”

  Leah could hear the frustration in Bill’s voice. It was the same frustration Claire, her parents when they were speaking to her, and everyone else who witnessed the train wreck that was Alex and Leah voiced. “I heard you, Bill. Believe me, I heard every word. I just need time.”

  “Take too much time and it will be too late.”

  Leah wondered if it wasn’t already as she ended the call. She debated about what to do next. Part of her wanted to let Alex stew in jail for a while. At least he would sober up and not cause damage to himself or others. If she left work early her first day for a personal problem, Marcus would never see her in the same light. She could lose her career. Damn Alex.

  Leah left a message with Marcus’ assistant that she was stepping out for an hour or so due to a family emergency, but she would return to the office. She nodded pleasantly, but Leah knew she must be thinking that she was flaking out on the job.

  Leah walked over to Park Avenue to catch the #6 train downtown to Court Square. She walked several blocks to the precinct and waited impatiently to post Alex’s $500 bail. An hour later, a cop escorted him to the waiting area. He was a disheveled mess and she wanted to strangle him, but he looked so repentant that her anger receded and was replaced with her usual disappointment.

  Before he could speak, she silenced him with her hand. “Do me a favor and don’t say a word, Alex. I don’t want another apology. I don’t want your excuses. You have embarrassed me enough for one day. I am lucky if I still have one job tomorrow, let alone two. I am going to do my best to save the one job I know I have. I am putting you on the train. Go back to the apartment and stay put while I go back to work. Don’t call me. Don’t look for me. Just leave me be so I can get my work done. I’ll see you tonight when I get home, assuming you are still there and not getting high with your drug buddies.”