Fraying at the Edge

by Cindy Woodsmall

  The women reacted in a lively fashion. Some made a sad face, some clapped, some nodded. One shouted, “You go, girl.” Another said, “If you want a little help, we’d be glad to break some dishes with you.”

  All of them were jovial and smiling by the time Skylar turned back to Abram. “Happy?” She scowled at him.

  Sometimes she was like a gas burner on a stovetop, going from stone cold to blue flames with the turn of a knob.

  He pushed a teetering utensil away from the edge of the table. “That helped, but you know all these have to be washed again, right?”

  The hardness on her face made him think she’d like to spit on him, but she simply nodded.

  Abram returned to his table and finished loading the tray. He couldn’t figure her out. She had times of seeming to care about the café, Cilla, and the Brennemans. Today she was a hornet with a serious case of the shakes.

  Jackson lifted his mug. “Hey, Abram.”

  “You’ve made a habit of loitering,” he teased.

  “I’m thinking about becoming Amish.”

  Abram chuckled. “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I figure I come here so often I might as well convert.”

  Susie walked out of the kitchen. “Here’s your money.” She passed an envelope to Jackson.

  “Thanks,” Jackson said.

  “Nee, Jackson.” Susie wagged her finger. “We thank you. It was very convenient to call you from the community phone.”

  “Anytime. And I mean that.”

  Skylar huffed, sounding offended. Jackson glanced at her. She looked as hard as if someone had carved her from a block of marble.

  “Where’s my envelope?” Abram asked.

  “Ha!” Susie laughed. “Jackson picked up the wheat berries at the co-op for me, so now I can grind whole-wheat flour for fresh bread.” She turned her back on them. “Continue your conversation. I have things to do.”

  “So…”—Jackson took a sip of his coffee—“how about you, Skylar?”

  “Me what?” Skylar’s tone was barely civil.

  “Convert with me?”

  “Is that supposed to be funny?” She sprayed a table.

  Abram hoped to calm her. “He doesn’t know, Skylar.”

  Her steely gaze remained on the droplets of cleaner on the table. “If you want to get rid of your truck, phone, computer, and electronic and digital devices, you can give them to me. You convert.” She used the back of her wrist to push loose strands of hair away from her face. “All I want is to go back to living like a normal human again.” She rubbed the middle of her forehead, making circles.

  “I imagine Ariana wants to return to living human again too,” Abram whispered.

  “Maybe.” Skylar made wide sweeps with a clean cloth, wiping off the spray.

  Abram pulled out a chair and sat across from Jackson. “Thanks again for offering us a ride to the doctor’s office.”

  Jackson nodded. “Sure. And after your initial visit and the testing, I’ll be available for your appointment in January. I have the first visit marked on my calendar. With winter here and construction slowing to a crawl, I have very little work going on.”

  Skylar glanced up, brow raised, but she said nothing.

  “I know,” Jackson said. “You’re thinking, ‘That explains a lot.’ ”

  “Well, I’m grateful you can take us,” Abram said.

  Skylar plopped the tray on the table in front of Jackson. “Nothing better to do? How is that possible? Oh, because you get to enjoy the ambiance of the Amish café, and then you get in your truck and drive to your home with its television, computer, and Internet. I had those things once. Then the parents I grew up with were thrilled to leave me in this hellhole. Anything to get me off their hands. What a stroke of luck! I turned out not to be theirs. And the poor Brennemans, my biological family, are stuck with me and are too kind to kick me out.” She picked up the tray and slung the cutlery across the room. “How’s that for honesty?” Skylar walked toward the front door.

  Abram and Jackson started to follow her.

  She turned. “Don’t.” She pointed at each of them. “Or I promise I’ll disappear the first chance I get. Me, the cash I took from the register, and the clothes on my back.”

  Abram stopped cold. He didn’t understand her, but he believed she was in the mood to follow through on her threat. That would break his Mamm’s heart.

  The sleet was like tiny needles against Skylar’s face. She crossed her arms and buried her fingers. Why couldn’t she have thought to grab her coat before storming off? As much as she wanted the warmth, her pride wouldn’t let her go back for it. She didn’t know where she was going, so she left that up to her legs as she put one foot in front of the other.

  Nausea clawed at her throat, and her head spun. She should pop her one remaining pill immediately. But if she didn’t make a drug connection soon, there were tougher times ahead. Besides, the pill was a downer, and if she wanted any sleep tonight, she would need it later.

  She heard a horse and buggy approaching from behind. Was it one of the Brennemans? She walked faster, but it soon came alongside her and slowed. She looked up, expecting to see Abram, despite her threat. But it was Susie, and the clear vinyl window was open.

  “Where are you going?” Susie yelled over the thumping hoofs.

  “Go home, please.”

  “Is that where you’re headed?”

  “I don’t know. But take a hint, Susie, and go away.”

  Susie wasn’t completely awful, but at the moment Skylar hated everything and everyone.

  “Hey, at least take this.” Susie slowed the horse and tossed Skylar her coat. Skylar ignored it, letting it fall on the ground. She kept walking, face forward.

  “You won’t get far on the money you took from the register.”

  “Far enough.”

  The road under Skylar’s feet seemed to sway like a rope ladder over a deep canyon. “Consider it payment toward the hours I worked at your café.”

  Susie sped up the buggy. “You’re really selfish, you know that!”

  “That seems to be the general consensus.”

  “I’m not against you, Skylar.”

  “Yeah, right. You don’t want me in that buggy any more than you want to share your bedroom with me or be my sister.” Skylar refused to continue this ridiculous conversation, so she turned and started walking across an open field. That would stop Susie. The buggy couldn’t follow her, and Susie couldn’t yell that loud.

  What to do now? Maybe she should call her mom. She wasn’t against begging at this point. Even if Ariana had won her parents’ hearts, they owed Skylar something—like paying for her room and board, returning her car and cell phone, and giving her some pocket money. Right?

  “Skylar!” Susie breathed.

  Skylar turned to see Susie running after her, carrying Skylar’s coat. When Susie caught up with her, she matched Skylar’s pace. “Could you stop acting like a brat and tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I’m done. I don’t care if my biological family never speaks to me again. I don’t care if I never see any of you ever again.”

  “I’ve got news for you, sis. There is no way you took enough money from the register to cover whatever plan you’ve come up with, especially if your boyfriend isn’t around to help you.”

  “You don’t know me. I could have a dozen friends waiting to help me.”

  “But you don’t.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  “If you had someone who’d whisk you away, you’d have left after the first night. You think everyone around here is too stupid to see the truth. We’re not. We’re trying to give you space, but we’re not blind, Skylar.”

  “Well, well, Susie Q, the little Miss Old Order Amish homemaker who’s too young to have a husband, has it all figured out?”

  Susie tilted her head straight back, looking at the sky. “Help me!” She straightened. “You are such a pain, and the hardest part is that you enjoy it. Behind
all your prickles, you’re really unhappy. None of us wants it to be that way. But you don’t want to do anything to change it.”

  “And what would I do? Convert to your religion?”

  “You join the Amish church? No.” Susie grabbed Skylar’s arm. “What have we done to make you think we are on a mission to convert you? We’d like you to see the truth, but becoming Amish isn’t what we want. You are our sister, no matter what you believe.”

  Nausea rolled through her, and dizziness spun her head. What were the next few days going to be like if she didn’t find a supplier? Skylar pulled free and started walking again. “I’ve heard the same speech from our parents.”

  “It isn’t a speech, and if you’re too stubborn to see that, I don’t know how else to convince you. Now come back to the buggy with me.”

  “No.”

  Susie put her hand on Skylar’s shoulder. “I could barely get the horse and rig off the road. It could get hit by a car.”

  “Then you should go back.”

  “I’m not leaving without you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re my sister!”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “You’re my sister whether you like it or not.”

  Skylar slowed her pace. Her nausea was so strong she could feel it in her throat. “I don’t want to be your sister.”

  “Ya, well, you can’t do anything about it.”

  “I can leave.”

  “And I can follow.”

  Skylar had to stop. She put her hands on her knees, breathing heavily. Why was the nausea so bad already? “What will it take for all of you to just leave me alone?”

  “Come to the buggy for starters.”

  Skylar shook her head. “Why would you go to all this trouble to get me to come back?”

  “Because I actually love you. So do Mamm and Daed and Abram and Mark and Martha and everyone else. Even though you have been nothing but a problem, you’re a part of the family. You can run away and never see us again, but Mamm will still pray for you and worry about you. And so will the rest of us. It’s the way things work!”

  Skylar’s breath came in short, choppy gasps. “You didn’t even know I existed until a few months ago.”

  “But we do now. And trust me, if I could pray away how I feel about you, I would. And just so we’re clear, despite your potential to be likable, you’re really not. Aside from that, for reasons only God can fathom, I love you.”

  Skylar held out her hand for her coat, and Susie passed it to her. Skylar slid into it, glad for the warmth. She pulled a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and put one in her mouth. “That was sweet.” She lit the cigarette. “It was, but like I said, I’m done.” She inhaled a lungful of smoke. “I’m just done.”

  “With?” Susie scooped something off the ground.

  “All of this. I don’t want any of it.”

  “Stop being such a coward.”

  Skylar blew smoke at Susie’s sweet, prayer-Kapp-adorned head. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  “You don’t know what it’s like—”

  “I know that you have an entire house full of people who love you. They love you enough to put up with your selfish nonsense.”

  “Do you know how cheap the word love is? Everyone says it. No one does it.”

  “You push people away and then blame them for not being close to you.” Susie held up the baggie that had a lone pill. “Drop something?”

  Skylar dug into her coat pocket. That’s what Susie had scooped from the ground. Apparently it had fallen out when she took the cigarettes from her pocket. “I need that. It’s the only one I have left.”

  “And the guy you’ve been looking for is supposed to bring you more.”

  “Yeah. But he’s not coming, so I’m on my own, which means I need to find a decent-sized town, one with a pool hall or a dive bar.”

  “You would be walking all night. And even if you got there, how would you find what you’re looking for?”

  Skylar shrugged. “Someone is always selling.”

  “Then what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You have about fifty dollars. Will that cover even one night at a hotel?”

  “I can figure it out.”

  Susie scoffed. “Yeah, because you’ve always done so well on your own.”

  Skylar inhaled again. “You have a strange way of convincing someone to come home with you.”

  “Tough love, because I’m done sugarcoating it for you.” Susie removed the pill from the bag. “You can have it back when you admit it.”

  “Admit what?”

  “That I’m your sister. That the Brennemans you so enjoy looking down on are your family.”

  “I only have that one pill left.”

  “Then you better say it, or I’ll throw it as far as I can. And if you can find it in the wet weeds, it’ll be a melted, yucky mess.”

  Skylar looked at the pill. It seemed to her that Susie was very comfortable discussing drugs, as if she’d known about Skylar’s stash. “Did you know about the pills?”

  “No, but I’m not surprised. Now say it.”

  “What difference does it make?”

  “What difference does it make?” Susie mocked. “You fight for something that cares nothing about you.” Susie held up the pill. “But you discount who I am as your sister. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Don’t let something that cares nothing about you control your life. It will make you as apathetic as it is. Fight, Skylar. Decide that you, your family, and your future are worth more than these stupid pills!”

  “Wow.” Skylar tossed her cigarette on the ground and smashed it with the toe of her boot. “That’s been building for a while.”

  “Ya, it’s from putting up with you. You should try it sometime.”

  “I did. It turned me to drugs.”

  “Not funny.”

  “It was a little funny.”

  “Tell me I’m your sister.”

  “Why?”

  “Because there’s magic in it. Power in admitting you’re connected to me, connected to the whole family. It’s you choosing to care that we’re sisters. Say it, because I’m hoping that will break through your apathy. Because”—Susie thudded her chest with her palm—“I need to hear it.”

  What had Susie done to her? Skylar’s eyes filled with tears. And she was positive she heard the ice around her heart begin to crack. “You’re my sister,” she whispered.

  Susie clutched her, holding her tight. “Denki.” Susie backed away, breathing hard. “Now”—she held up the pill and slid it into her coat pocket—“let’s go home.”

  Nausea hit so hard that Skylar gagged. She put her hands on her knees and threw up.

  Susie passed her a tissue. “Hugging me wasn’t that bad.”

  Skylar wiped her mouth. “The proof states otherwise.”

  Susie chuckled and wrapped her arm around Skylar’s shoulders. “Kumm, you stubborn thing. Let’s get you home.” Susie directed her toward the buggy. She helped Skylar into the passenger seat and then hurried to the other side.

  “I really don’t think I can do it.”

  “Do what?”

  Skylar sniffed. “Get clean.”

  “Of course you can.”

  Skylar looked at Susie as she drove. Despite her sister’s firm words, her demeanor was soft and nurturing.

  “How do you know?” Skylar asked.

  “Because you’re a Brenneman.”

  The statement thawed a little more of Skylar’s heart. She rode in silence, allowing the strange sensation coursing through her to do its thing, whatever it was. Relief? Love? Hope?

  When the Brenneman house came into view, Skylar remembered the others were at the café. “What about Abram and Martha?”

  “Jackson will bring them home.” Susie pulled the buggy in front of the house. “Sky, don’t change your mind about getting clean. The only other option is really stupid. I mean, seri
ously, what’s the plan? To do whatever kind of drugs you do for the rest of your life?”

  “You’re actually pretty smart. You know that?”

  “I do. It’s you I’ve had a hard time convincing.” Susie grinned and set the brake and came around to Skylar’s side.

  Her legs were like wet noodles. “I don’t understand. I’ve never reacted this much this early on. I’ve been cutting back, and I still have some in my system.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you’re more addicted now.” Susie supported her as they walked inside and into the living room.

  Lovina came down the stairs, and as soon as she spotted them, she ran to Skylar’s side. “What happened?”

  Skylar eased onto the couch. “I’m all right.”

  “Are you sick?”

  “In a sense.”

  “Should I call a doctor?”

  “No, they’ve got nothing for someone like me.”

  Susie sat next to her on the couch.

  Skylar gazed up at Lovina. “I’ve been taking pills while I’ve been here.”

  Lovina nodded. “I know. I found a bottle of pills the day we herded the cows. And you took some of Salome’s pain pills.”

  It was embarrassing to realize that everyone around her was aware of her shortcomings. The one day she had done something right by helping a nephew to safety, she’d marred it by dropping the bottle of pills, which resulted in Lovina finding it. Then she stole from the boy’s mother.

  The desire to be her best self pulled her, much like the desire for drugs. “I’m ready to get clean.”

  Susie took the pill from her coat pocket and set it on the beat-up coffee table.

  Skylar’s body screamed for more than the one remaining pill, and the miserable desire to grab it and shove it into her mouth was a clue to just how much she needed to get clean.

  Lovina knelt and put her hand on Skylar’s head. “How do you know you don’t need a doctor?”

  “Because I’m a Brenneman.”

  Lovina grabbed Skylar and pulled her to her chest in a hug. “I love you,” she whispered.

  Maybe she did.

  Despite the embrace Skylar stared over Lovina’s shoulder at the pill on the table. Could she really get clean and stay clean?

  Susie’s words played in her head. “Of course you can. Because you’re a Brenneman.”