Love's Disbelief

by Flynn Eire

  So we weren’t all going to be transferred out when we passed our warrior tests, as we were needed at the camp. It also helped push council members and other influential vampires to stop living on their own and get closer to security so we weren’t spread so thin. Same with covens. There were plans for no more living spread out in a city, instead figuring something better, safer.

  “Hey, Gary, you’re with me today,” Roarke called over as I snagged some muffins and a few bottles of juice.

  “His name is Glenn,” Lynx corrected, sitting at the next table over. I froze, glancing between them, registering the intense look Lynx was giving me.

  “Um, no, his name is Gary,” Roarke drawled, raising an eyebrow at whatever he saw between us. “Shit, Lynx, you’re banging him and you didn’t even know his fucking name.”

  “You said it was Glenn,” Lynx growled at me, ignoring Roarke.

  “No, you said it was Glenn, and I didn’t have enough blood in my brain to correct you,” I blurted when I realized the entire cafeteria was staring at us like we were the next drama show at camp. I glanced at Roarke, his mate, Wally, giving me a pitying look. “We didn’t have sex. He’s not banging me.”

  That eyebrow didn’t go down, but a mean smirk formed on his mouth. “Oh? Then what were you doing that there wasn’t any blood in your brain?”

  “He gave me a massage,” Lynx cut in before I could answer. “He’s a licensed massage therapist, and he gave me one this morning for rescuing him from sleeping in the lounge again, studying like crazy.”

  I wasn’t going to correct him that while I did study like crazy, I did it in the lounge to try and catch him. Though, that seemed to have bitten me in the ass and raised my humiliation up several notches.

  “So he gives those kind of massages if he didn’t have any blood in his brain,” Roarke purred, flinching when Wally hit him.

  “Yeah, all massage therapists give happy endings as part of the deal,” I snapped, my anger rising higher than my embarrassment. He opened his mouth to say something snappy as Roarke always did. “My mother is one and runs a clean shop, so take your trashy, whoring experience and stuff it.”

  “You’re training with him today,” Norris reminded me as he walked towards a table with his mate, Philo. I sort of missed him in the post-trans training, but glad he’d passed his warrior test after all the crazy and found happiness. “He was being cheeky because that’s Roarke’s way and you blurted there wasn’t any blood in your brain. Just walk away, because none of us would win against Roarke’s sass.”

  I nodded and did just that, turning on my heel and hurrying over to get several breakfast burritos since I was starving and my nerves were shot. Food made everything better, after all.

  It was hard not to flinch when Bowie of all people slid up next to me as I waited for my order. I glanced at him and realized he was there for me, not just the salt on my wounds of embarrassment. “You’ve never come talk to me before. Is this about Lynx?”

  “No, um, no, but I guess you know he played with me once,” he answered, his face flushing bright red. “Does he tell everyone about it?”

  I felt shame at my jab and shook my head. “No. I babbled about the sensitivity issues some of us are having after our transitions, and he brought you up to… Well, I’m not sure? But it wasn’t him gossiping.” He nodded, and I cleared my throat. “What did you need, Bowie?”

  “Are you really a licensed massage therapist?” he asked hopefully, smiling when I nodded. “Can you help Sam? All he does is sit on stools and look at slide of cultures from his research and from you guys after what happened.” He cursed under his breath. “I didn’t mean that as pointed as it sounded. It’s not you guys’s fault, of course not. I just—he’s not just brushing it off. He’s working—”

  “I know,” I cut in, understanding he was worried about his mate and not being a jerk. “He wouldn’t keep asking for so much damn blood if he didn’t care about us.”

  “Right, he does. But I’m a bit worried about him. He’s always sore, and he’s been so busy he’s not had time to really get the workout he needs as a warrior. I say something and I’m a nagging mate. But if you say it after giving him a massage, you’re a professional, and I know he would listen.”

  “Um, yeah, I could give him one when I have time.” My tone wasn’t mean, but I did want to sort of slide in there that I didn’t really have time with all the training.

  “Right, I know you’re totally busy. Nate was talking about how hard Matteo’s been working you all, but I can help. What do you need help with? I mean, give him a half an hour massage, and I’ll give you two hours on whatever you need help with. I have to be useful, right?”

  His ramble was almost endearing, but focused more on my getting four times as much help back, while I bobbed my head as I accepted my burritos from another post-trans working in the kitchen. More of us meant more food to be cooked, so we all got a shift a week like the warriors to help the full time guy.

  It only took me seconds to think of the answer. “You’re training to be a full medic, right? I could use help in the first aid field stuff.”

  “Deal,” he immediately agreed. “Just tell me when.”

  I shrugged. “Tell me when Sam’s got time after dinner. I have to find something I can use as a table and oils. It gets too personal on a bed since I can’t reach everywhere I need to, and I don’t have anything but lotion.”

  “I’ve got access to both in the infirmary. There are extra cots that are about the same size, and he’s got those huge medical lube jugs.”

  “Not the same as massage oil,” I chuckled, not rubbing it in when he looked embarrassed. “I need like almond oil or coconut. I prefer apricot kernel oil, but there’s no way you’ll find it here.”

  He frowned. “I think there’s some jojoba oil he’s got since it’s an antibacterial.”

  “That will work,” I assured him, glad we had a plan because I could certainly use the help, and someone who had taken their test not all that long ago would know best what I needed to cover.

  I hurried with my score to meet up with training, having more than enough time now but not enough to sit and eat. Which was why the next person who found me and fell in step with me did so as I tried to eat half a muffin in one bite.

  Also, since it was Dimitri, I think I took a bigger bite out of shock.

  “I doubt I’ll be the last one to approach you, as we’re a stressed out group,” he started, not even hiding why he was there. “I read somewhere that massages help insomnia. Is that true?”

  I chewed and swallowed my bite as I nodded, realizing he wasn’t looking at me. “Yes.” I wasn’t sure what else to say, as even I knew something was up with him and his mate, the camp leader, Alexander. He was currently off camp, inspecting other camps that had claims against them and working with the councils, but there were rumors it was more than that.

  “Sam gave me something to help, but our metabolisms burn it off too fast, and it gives me fucked up dreams. Can I make the same deal you did with Bowie? What do you need help with?”

  “Swords,” I blurted, thanking my lucky stars the second at camp, and one of the best fighters like ever, was finding me. “I’m shit with a sword, and it’s honestly humiliating. Matteo keeps saying we’re going to work on my grip, but there’s so many of us.”

  “Deal. I’ll work with you Saturday when we’re off real training.”

  “Yeah, awesome.” I told Dimitri I would need oil and permission to use one of the cots like Bowie had said. He asked what oil I wanted because he could add it to the supply run, so I answered.

  Hey, my week was looking up, and I almost wanted to thank Lynx for being such a jackass and my big mouth for telling him I could give massages if I was able to get help like this.

  Almost. I almost wanted to, but I wouldn’t. I’d still gone through some horribly humiliating situations with him, after all.

  Like him not knowing my name.

  Or demanding a blow jo
b without even kissing me yet when he seemed to know I was a virgin.

  Or cumming all over my fucking face and not so much as apologizing or offering to wipe it up before declaring he was going to fuck me. Served me right for dreaming and fantasizing about such a player.

  2

  A week later, I sat down with a huge bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, humming to myself after I finished another early morning massage. The deals I’d worked out were awesome, other post-trans getting in on it too. They didn’t want the massages, just the extra help I was receiving.

  So after some fancy dancing, I got it for some of them—as others were being babies and thought I should share with them while they did nothing—and they did stuff for me. My laundry was done. My room was clean. My kitchen shift was covered, and so was my turn cleaning the group bathrooms since we did it for all the floors, not just ours. All my crappy chores and extra stuff was handled, and all I had to do was give massages.

  And I loved giving massages. Honestly, I did. It was as relaxing for me as it was the person who received them.

  “Give some more massages?” a deep, angry voice asked me. I nodded, not looking up and crunching happily at my morning treat. “Did they get happy endings too? Or did you? You’re awfully cheery so early in the morning.”

  I smiled up at Lynx, a bit shocked he was talking to me after what happened and certainly with the attitude he had. “Some. Yep.” I took another huge bite, shrugging.

  He fisted his hands on the table and leaned in, growling. “Which?”

  I didn’t hurry chewing, swallowing before narrowing my eyes at him. “The first. I give some.” He curled his lip in a sneer. “And then they leave money for me ‘cause I’m a fucking whore like that.”

  “I didn’t say you were or that would make someone a whore. You know I don’t feel that way.”

  “I don’t? Or maybe you don’t think that of Glenn,” I purred, taking another bite. Honestly, I should have all conversations with nummy cereal, as I blurted out less, my mouth wanting food more than to talk.

  “I said I was sorry about that. I messed up,” he grumbled, and this time I just blinked at him a few moments.

  “You did? To whom? Because it wasn’t me. I never got such an apology.”

  “I did, but you kept ignoring me when I try to talk to you.”

  Again, I blinked at him. “This is the first time you’ve said anything to me in a week, Lynx.”

  He studied me closely, frowning. “No, it’s not. I’ve tried calling after you and talking to you a few times. You always ignore, reading this or that.” He leaned in closer, and I got a bit squirmy at the attention. “How much are you sleeping, Gary.” I flinched at him saying my real name for the first time. “Yes, I remembered it’s Gary. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Gary. I won’t ever call you the wrong name again, Gary.”

  “Yeah, fine, I got it.” I hurried to eat some more, not sure how to answer I barely got four hours a night the past week with all the extra help and massages.

  “You need to stop giving massages.”

  I flinched and shook my head. “No way. I’m getting tons of shit for them, and I needed the help, I’m so far behind.”

  He let out a quiet growl. “You can space them out more at least and get some sleep.”

  “It’s relaxing for me to give them. That’s why I was in such a good mood.”

  “Then give me them and I’ll make sure you fall right to sleep after I tire you out.” He leaned on his forearms and gave me a sexy smile that I felt in my nether regions.

  Until I had a flash of what had happened. I took a few bites, finishing off the bowl and making him wait as if I was debating it.

  “You came on my face without even kissing me. You came like that because you didn’t know my name, so you couldn’t warn me. That’s how my first sexual experience went. You didn’t even care it was, saying you wanted to fuck me. You are the ultimate player, and I’m not touching that stove again, but thanks. I mean, I really appreciate such a selfless offer.”

  Tears burned in my eyes when I realized my voice had been getting louder and louder. I jumped out of my chair and hurried off with my tray, leaving it on the conveyor that would bring it to where there were pre-trans waiting to wash it all as they did every meal. Racing out of the cafeteria, I bemoaned the juice and burritos I was going to grab since I needed the fuel.

  Who found me shocked the crap out of me. Wally plopped down next to me at the shooting range where I was waiting for our weapons testing to start. He handed me a bottle of juice, two breakfast burritos, and a couple of bananas. When I took the first two, he wiggled the bananas at me.

  “Helps you recover from workouts, and I know you’ve got a big run today after shooting, plus they bring your mood up while cleaning you out. You need that with getting so little sleep.”

  “Thanks,” I muttered, taking them from him. “You stalking me?”

  “No, I simply see the signs of someone hurting as I did, and I wished I’d had someone to talk to. Someone to hear ‘it’s not me’ from. Someone who sees the other side.”

  “I’m listening.” I wasn’t sure what else to say as I attacked the burrito.

  “You do need more sleep if you’re inhaling energy.”

  “I have to get caught up. It’s my fault so much went off the rails. I almost gave Matteo a nervous breakdown. Two died in their transitions because I set off the trend of going early and—”

  “None of that is your fault,” Matteo growled from behind me. He stormed around us and squatted down. “Stop, Gary. It’s not your fault. You have to forgive yourself because there’s nothing to forgive, kid. People die during their transitions. It happens. It’s not on you for living when they didn’t.”

  “Why did I and they didn’t?” I rasped, finally saying what I knew they wanted me to get out when we’d stayed at La Salvezza. “Why did I live? Why did I set them all off? Why did I transition so early?”

  “Call Sam,” Matteo ordered Wally. “His energy is in the shitter, and it’s completely erratic. What happened?”

  “Lynx confronted him in the cafeteria,” Wally admitted as he pulled out his phone while Matteo swooped me up in his arms.

  “No, we have shooting. And I have a massage for Dimitri so he can make me not a loser with swords,” I argued.

  “You cannot catch up on months of training in a week, Gary. Enough,” he lectured, walking quickly to the main building. “The test isn’t given exactly at a year, okay? You’re not a failure if you don’t ace it then. Nate took his a month later because that worked with the schedules. Others have as well. You won’t ever get there if you burn out.”

  I didn’t even try to argue when he shot me a look that clearly said it would be a stupid move. Instead, I let him princess carry me into the building past the ops center where too many could probably see me and then down the hall for the newly renovated clinic that had a research addition put on.

  “Shit, he’s completely depleted,” Sam worried as we arrived. “He wasn’t this bad several days ago when Bowie got him to give me a massage, but I told him he needed more fuel.”

  “I’ve been eating like a damn horse,” I defended.

  “You’re dehydrated,” he snapped. “I can feel how tired and weak you are. That whole sleep to recharge thing isn’t a damn myth, Gary.” He moved over to a cabinet as Matteo laid me on one of the exam tables. Then suddenly a needle stuck me, and I blinked up at Sam. “I would be gentler about this normally, but I have ten minutes until cultures are ready. Sleep. Bowie will give you fluids, but you’re out at least two days.”

  “Got a massage to do for Helios so Rune will give me private lessons on the drones,” I mumbled, my eyes feeling too heavy suddenly.

  “We’ll reschedule you,” Matteo told me firmly. “If you were so exhausted you finally admitted what you were feeling, after all the counselors and us here tried to get you to say, to acknowledge it, you seriously need rest.”

  I didn’t fight the s
leep then, letting it pull me under and embracing the chance to get a break. Unfortunately, I was plagued with the faces of the two guys who didn’t make it through their transitions, as I was way too often when I slept. It wasn’t just having too much to do that kept me from sleeping, it was my nightmares. Actually, one of the only times I didn’t have them was when I slept in Lynx’s bed.

  I came awake with a gasp, my heart racing too fast as I fought off the nightmare, the two guys trying to drag me down to hell with them where I belonged for setting off their transition early. My gaze darted around the dark clinic, and I landed on Lynx.

  “Still dreaming,” I whispered, rubbing my chest. “You next?”

  “Me next what?” he asked quietly.

  “To drag me to hell. They were trying again, but now you’re here. You going to finish what they always start? You hate me that much?”

  “I don’t hate you at all, and you’re not dreaming. You woke up.” He cleared his throat as he set down the tray he’d been carrying and pulled something out from under his arm, handing it over. “Here.”

  “It’s so cute,” I about squealed as I took the two-foot-tall stuffed bunny. “Look at those ears!” I actually giggled as I played with them before remembering myself. I stopped playing with them and tucked it against me. “Thanks.” Then some of the foggy sleep wore off. “How did you know?”

  “I was on the supply run when I got a call from Sam cussing me out at whatever I did to put you in the clinic with exhaustion.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I argued as I watched him sit on the rolling stool and move closer.

  “I know. I helped, but it wasn’t all on me. He was upset he had a hand in it. So was Dimitri. Matteo for not seeing it sooner and—you have a lot fans.” He turned and brought the tray over on the rolling cart so it was right in front of me when I pushed the button to sit up the bed more. “I called your mother. I demanded Rune give me the number so I could talk to her. Nice woman.”

  “Why did you worry my mom like that?” I growled even as I gazed over the tray of all my favorite foods.