Worthy of Redemption

by L. D. Davis

  “Maybe you need to move on,” Michael suggested. “I think I need to move on, too. Mel and I are supposed to be here for another couple of days, but I think I’m going to cut out early.”

  “That sounds like a good idea, actually,” I said and we clinked our bottles together.

  “Maybe we can meet in Venice or Paris or London and start our own love affair,” he grinned at me.

  I was drunk, and Michael looked like he might be a good kisser, but even drunk I knew better. As far as I knew, Kyle and I were still a couple – or something like – which didn’t put me in a position to kiss other people, regardless of how hurt and angry I was. I bit my bottom lip and turned my attention back to the sea before us.

  “I don’t know about your Melanie, but Kyle isn’t good at letting go.”

  “Speaking of which,” Michael said distractedly. “Someone is coming.”

  I looked back towards the bungalows. Another figure was marching through the sand. The moon had risen a little higher, lighting more of the beach. I couldn’t mistake Kyle for anyone else this time, or the look of rage on his face.

  “You should probably go,” I said slowly to Michael as I watched Kyle advance.

  We both got to our feet. I swayed as the alcohol really hit me. Michael reached out to steady me.

  “I’m good,” I said after a moment. “Thank you.”

  The time it took for him to steady me was wasted and Kyle was too close for Michael to effectively walk away. I put the rum in the sand and took a stance in front of him, which made him snicker.

  “I don’t need your protection, love,” he said in a low voice.

  I put my hands up to stop Kyle from barreling into Michael. Only my hands on his chest kept him back. He wouldn’t risk hurting me to get to him.

  “Stop!” I yelled at him as he tried to go around me with rage in his eyes. “Nothing was happening here. We were just talking. Kyle!” I shoved him back.

  “He just had his hands on you!” he roared.

  “To keep me from falling over, you asshole!” I quickly picked up the bottle of rum and shook it at him. “We were drinking and I got dizzy when I got up.”

  Kyle started pacing back and forth, like a freakin’ lion in a cage desperate to reach the prey on the other side. “I don’t know who the hell you are or why the hell you are out here with my girlfriend, but if you don’t walk away now I’m going to knock your teeth out of your fucking head.”

  “Kyle!” I snapped.

  “Are you going to be okay?” Michael asked with genuine concern.

  “Yes,” I said quickly. “I’ll be fine – physically.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” Kyle raged.

  “Shut up, I’m talking to my friend!” I yelled at him. I turned back to Michael and held out his bottle of rum.

  “I think you need it more than me,” he said, eying Kyle with doubt. “Don’t waste it.” He gave me a wink. Kyle saw it and started raging again.

  “Shut. Up.” I said through my teeth before glancing over at Michael. “Good luck with everything, Michael,” I said.

  “I’ll be fine,” he said with a shrug. “I hope you will be, too.”

  I didn’t know if I would be fine or not, but I nodded. Michael took his newly acquired bottle of champagne, made a wide berth around Kyle and left us alone on the beach.

  “You take off without a word, at night in unfamiliar territory with a stranger?” Kyle yelled in my face. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “I didn’t take off with him. I took off alone and he just happened to come along.”

  “That’s even worse, Lily! He could have raped you or killed you!”

  “Well, he didn’t, so you can get the hell out of my face now.”

  I tried to walk around him, but he gripped my arm, almost to the point of pain.

  “Stop running away from me!” He spun me around to face him. “What do you want me from me, Lily? I’m giving you every fucking thing I can right now!”

  “Except a real commitment,” I shouted back at him. “You can’t even see past this moment. Do you have any idea how fickle that makes me feel? I don’t want to feel fickle, Kyle! I had enough of that in my life.”

  I tried to break away from him, but he held my shoulders tightly.

  “I can’t give you more than a day at a time, Lily,” he said, shaking me a little as he spoke.

  “Because I’m not her? Because I’m not Emmy?” I asked bitterly.

  “Because I’m not good for you!” he shouted.

  His words felt like a bucket of cold water splashing me in the face. I suddenly felt sober and clear. Kyle still thought he was going to break me. It wasn’t about me per say, as much as it was about what he might do to me.

  “You are good for me,” I said softly.

  “It’s only a matter of time before I completely ruin you,” he said bitterly. “I can’t look months and years ahead. I have to treat each day with you like it will be my last because I am not good for you, Lily.”

  I dropped the rum in the sand and wrapped my arms around Kyle’s neck. His arms circled me and he held me tightly.

  “Please,” he said softly in my ear. “Let’s just get through this week.”

  “Then what?” I asked, swallowing back my tears. “What happens after this?”

  Even though his arms were wrapped around me and I could feel his heart beating in his chest, I felt him withdrawing once again.

  “I’m not sure,” he said in a harsh whisper.

  I held back my sobs and tears, because I knew in the near future Kyle was going to give me plenty of reason to cry.

  Chapter Fourteen

  *~Kyle~*

  The phone call and obligatory lunch invite from my mother came in on day four in Bora Bora. Lily and I were just about to take a midday nap. She had been sick all morning with nausea and vomiting. I suspected it was the large amounts of seafood she ate last night at dinner. As soon as she was asleep, I was going to go down to the restaurant and give them a hard time for their tainted fish.

  “Who is it?” Lily asked, with tired, puffy eyes while I hesitated answering the call.

  “My mother.”

  “You want to answer it,” she sighed. “So answer it.”

  “Hello,” I answered just before it went to voicemail.

  “Hi, Kyle,” my mother said softly. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay. How are you?” I asked as I helped Lily into bed. She didn’t really need my help, but I felt better helping her. She gave me a soft smile after her head hit the soft pillows. The smile warmed me and wrecked me all at once.

  “I’m…I’m fine,” she said after hesitation. “He’s gone. Again.”

  “How much money did he take this time, mom?” I asked, holding the bridge of my nose between two fingers.

  “I’m not sure how much he spent while he was here,” she said with a sigh. “I haven’t had the accountant add it up yet, but I gave him four hundred to leave.”

  I knew she meant four hundred thousand dollars and not four hundred thousand sea shells or cookies or ass holes. Usually, I’m patient with her about this. Kicking Walter out usually meant that she was also on a new set of meds and that she was on the road to recovery. I usually jumped in to help her out any way I could, but now she was taking time away from Lily, and that was all I really cared about at that point.

  “How many more times are you going to do this before you learn your lesson?” I asked her.

  She was silent for a long time. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I suppose I have to do something differently this time.”

  “I suppose so,” I snapped. “Listen, we’ll have to talk later. I’m on vacation with Lily and I just want to focus on us right now.”

  “Lily? The girl you brought here with you?” she seemed surprised.

  “Yes,” I said in a tone that dared her to say anything negative about Lily.

  “Oh. She isn’t…”

  “She isn’t
what?” I snapped.

  “Well…she’s different.”

  “So?”

  “So nothing,” she said impatiently. “I’m not really one to judge who you love, am I?” she asked bitterly.

  “No, I don’t think that you are.”

  She sighed and then tried again to be polite. “Why don’t we have brunch when you come back? Bring Lily with you.”

  “Fine,” I said, watching Lily. She had already fallen asleep in those few short minutes. “I will call you when I get back. I’ll have someone come take care of any security issues in the meantime.”

  “Thank you,” she said. “Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

  “Thank you,” I said and ended the call.

  I sat down beside Lily and stroked her cheek. She pressed her cheek into my palm even though she was sound asleep. It was only a matter of days before I got those pictures back from Ben. Moments like this would be gone after that.

  I didn’t mean to pull her into this relationship only to spit her out. For a little while, I thought we could be happy for a long time, but soon I was thinking about forever and not just a long time. When she asked me where I saw us five years from now, I wanted to tell her where I really wanted to be five years from now – married, with kids, happy, but I couldn’t give her that hope. That hope would have just been crushed later.

  The fact of the matter was that I was a guy with a history of terrible mistakes. The drugs weren’t just an Emmy-time thing. I had been on and off them since high school. I had been violent then and in college, but never towards a woman until Emmy. My obsession for her was a drug in of itself. Mixed with the meth and sometimes pure cocaine and alcohol, I became a lethal weapon towards the person I loved most in the world. Lily could very well be next.

  My feelings for her had grown exponentially, almost literally overnight. I felt as if she had crawled into my skin and had become a part of me. I couldn’t stand to be away from her. When I went on a business trip to Chicago only a week or so into our official relationship, it physically hurt to be away from her. Even before our relationship began, I couldn’t stand the weekends when I couldn’t be close to her. I had to watch her from a distance. I didn’t recognize the ache for her then, but I couldn’t mistake it for anything else now.

  Anytime, I could fall off of the wagon and find myself snorting something up my nose. Anytime my obsession with Lily could consume me while I was high. Anytime, while high and consumed with Lily, I could drink the right mix of alcohol, or add in the right amount of other drugs. Anytime, I could break her and walk away without even the memory as a punishment…

  I needed to see the pictures and video of Emmy’s injuries. I needed to see how big of a monster I really was. The guilt and shame I felt needed to be bigger and run deeper. I lost Emmy for what I did to her beautiful soul, but I was otherwise unpunished. Even a meeting with Luke in Chicago didn’t punish me even half as much as I needed to be punished. I needed to feel the pain I inflicted and I don’t think I experienced even a fraction of it yet, but I knew I would when the pictures were in my hands, and when I had to leave Lily. Even then I wasn’t sure if that would be enough.

  I got into bed with Lily and curled my arms around her, sucking up every second I had left.

  *~~~*

  “We’re going home,” I said, as I stuffed Lily’s clothes in her suitcase.

  “What? Why?” she stared at me from the bathroom doorway.

  Her face was red and blotchy from puking and her shorts were noticeably bigger on her because of the few pounds she had lost in only two days.

  “We still have three more days,” she said, stepping into the room.

  “You’re not getting any better. You need to see a doctor.”

  “It’s just food poisoning,” she argued.

  “Food poisoning can be dangerous,” I reminded her. “And no one else got sick, just you. Maybe you’re having an allergic reaction to something.”

  “I don’t want to leave.”

  “Lily,” I said in warning.

  “But…” she said. Her chest began to rise and fall a little faster. “This could be…”

  I knew what she was trying to say. This could be it. This could be our last little bit of time together and I was about to take it away by taking her home. Knowing there was a breakup on the horizon was taking a toll on Lily. I didn’t tell her a when or a where. Though I knew it was a matter of days, I tried to give her the impression that it could be months, years, or never, but she wasn’t stupid. She felt that something was really wrong.

  “Listen,” I said, holding on to her. “You have to stop worrying about that. I was just trying to deal with my own insecurities, okay? You’re very ill and you need medical attention – at home. Okay?”

  Reluctantly, she nodded. I kissed her gently. She tasted like toothpaste and mouthwash, which she was getting plenty of over the last couple of days.

  At the airport after check-in, I made Lily sit down at our gate while I went to buy her a couple of magazines and some crackers and juice. When I returned, she was standing up (damn it) and talking to a man and a woman. As I got closer, I recognized the man from the beach a few nights ago, the man who I swore was trying to pick up my girl, but now he had his arm around this other woman. Then again, that didn’t mean much, after considering my situation with Emmy and Jess.

  “Kyle,” Lily said excitedly as I approached. “You remember Michael,” she said. “This is his fiancée Melanie.”

  “You decided to say yes, then,” I said, trying to be cool, trying to really give a fuck about the strangers before me. I put the magazines and food down in a chair.

  Melanie looked embarrassed as she looked up at her future husband. “I still can’t believe he told a complete stranger, but yes. I said yes. Both of my parents have been married three times. Of course I was reluctant to get married.”

  I nodded as if I understood and cared. Lily laced her fingers with mine as she listened to the couple chatter about what happened after Michael returned to their bungalow. Finally, the couple made a show about not missing their flight to Hawaii. Apparently they extended their vacation so that they could get hitched in Hawaii.

  “Good luck with everything,” Michael said as he hugged Lily. Of course “everything” meant me.

  I shook his hand and then Melody’s or Melanie – whatever. They started to walk away, but then Melanie had to turn around and totally rock my whole fucking world.

  “I hope you feel better, Lily. You know what?” she said thoughtfully. “It may not be food poisoning at all.” With a shrug and then a wink, she said “Maybe you’re just pregnant.”

  I cursed under my breath.

  Lily passed out.

  *~Lily~*

  Twenty-three hours after we left Tahiti, Kyle and I stumbled into the penthouse exhausted, with our nerves worn thin. We left the luggage by the front door and walked wearily up the stairs. I kicked off my shoes and headed towards the bed, but Kyle started stripping out of his clothes as he headed towards the bathroom.

  "I'm going to take a shower," he said. "Do you want to join me?"

  I wanted to say yes, but he looked like he was hoping I'd say no.

  I shook my head. "No, unless you think I stink."

  He walked over to the bed, gloriously naked, and bent over me. His nose nuzzled my neck, making me squirm a little bit.

  “Hmm,” he murmured. “I’m not sure…I should test taste to be sure…” his tongue eased across my jugular. “Mmm…sweet sweat and day old soap.”

  I smacked his arm as he pulled away chuckling.

  “I don’t care,” I pouted. “I’m not moving off of this bed.”

  “Maybe I can have you moving across the bed when I come back,” he said wriggling his eyebrows before disappearing into the bathroom.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket to return my mother's ten phone calls. Honestly, I didn't know when she was going to get it - that I would eventually return her call. She didn't have to call m
e twice an hour for five hours.

  My finger was poised to return the call when "Mom" lit up on my phone. Seriously, this was out of hand.

  "Mom, you don't have to call me a million times - I was in the air most of the day," I said in lieu of a hello.

  "For once, could you think of someone else besides yourself," my sister shouted into the phone.

  I was so stunned to hear her voice I couldn't immediately speak.

  "Mom had a heart attack, Lily,” she said frantically. “She's in the hospital - I can't get to her and they won't tell me anything over the phone. Shawna and Cliff were on vacation in Florida. They're driving back now but it will still be hours before they get here to stay with the kids." Her frantic speech gave way to sobs. "Her heart wasn't beating when they took her out of the house. They were doing CPR.”

  Sometime after the words heart attack, I had gotten out of bed and slipped on my shoes, though I don’t remember doing it.

  “I will be there as soon as I can,” I said, wiping away tears. “If you hear anything, call me.”

  “Okay,” she sniffed.

  I hung up the phone and rushed into the bathroom. I started to call out to Kyle, but then I saw him. He was standing under the water with his hands locked at the back of his neck, making his hard muscles in his chest and arms bulge. His eyes were closed, his forehead was creased with worry, and his mouth was set in a frown. He looked so troubled…haunted…and helpless. I needed him, but he needed…I don’t know, but it wasn’t me that he needed right then. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be what he needed. If he was sure that he needed me as much as he wanted me, he would have been able to see a future for us. I would have been enough to chase away his insecurities, but I wasn’t.

  To add to an already complicated matter, I was pregnant. As soon as we landed in L.A., we found a store in the airport that actually sold pregnancy tests. When the pink plus sign appeared on the pee stick, I had sat in the stall crying softly for twenty minutes before Kyle sent a female security guard in to look for me. He had an initial surprised reaction but after that he wore a good poker face, until now, when he thought he was away from my watchful eyes.