Worthy of Redemption

by L. D. Davis

  I started to back away, but he must have sensed my movement because he suddenly looked up at me. He blinked a couple of times until his eyes focused and then his expression became concerned.

  “What’s wrong? Are you sick again?” he asked, wiping water out of his eyes.

  “I have to go to Ohio,” I said, using my arm to wipe my face clear of tears. “My mom had a heart attack. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone – I don’t even know if she’s okay yet.”

  Kyle immediately shut off the shower and rushed out of the stall to wrap a towel around his waist.

  “I’ll go downstairs and find us a flight,” he said, touching my cheek.

  “No,” I said before I could think about it.

  Kyle looked at me with confusion. “What do you mean no?”

  “You stay here,” I said as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I’ll go alone.”

  “Lily, you’ve been sick and you’re…” His voice trailed off as he let his eyes drop to my abdomen. “I don’t want you to go alone.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said. “I’m not feeble. I haven’t lost my ability to walk and operate like a normal human being.”

  Frustrated, he put a hand in his wet hair. “You passed out yesterday. You can’t keep anything down and you haven’t had any real sleep in over twenty-four hours. I’m not letting you travel alone.”

  “You need some time alone,” I spoke with honesty. “You need to digest…everything…and frankly so do I.”

  “You think now is a good time to spend some time apart?” he asked dubiously.

  I pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes, trying to hold my tears in and trying not to scream. “Please! I don’t have a lot of time, Kyle. I don’t even know if my mother is dead or alive right now. Please don’t make this any harder!”

  After a moment, Kyle sighed. “Okay. I’ll go book a flight for you.” I felt his lips on the top of my head. “Get whatever you need packed into a carryon bag to speed up the process.”

  I dropped my hands to my sides and nodded. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I followed him out of the bathroom. I went into my room, which had just become my own personal closet after that first week, and retrieved a bag I could carry on to the plane. I went downstairs to my suitcase and carelessly dug out the things I needed, leaving an ungodly mess of clothes in my wake. As I was zipping up my bag, the front door opened and Corsey walked in.

  “Hi, Lily,” he said with a short wave.

  “Hey,” I said, hanging my head so he wouldn’t see me crying like a fucking baby.

  With a thick manila envelope in his hand, he turned away from me and headed down the hall to Kyle’s office. I wondered what was in the envelope, but then figured it was probably more crap on Vic. I wish I was privy to the information; then again I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know how deeply his insanity ran.

  Corsey and Kyle stayed in his office for another five minutes. Corsey gave me a short wave before leaving, but thankfully didn’t linger. Kyle trailed out a moment later looking grim.

  “The flight leaves in three hours,” he said distractedly. “I’m going to fly to Columbus with you and make sure you’re safely on your way and then I’ll fly home.”

  “I’ll be safely on my way once I step on the airplane,” I said, watching him carefully.

  What the hell bad news had Corsey brought to him?

  “I’m not giving you an option, Lily,” he said, holding the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

  I said nothing as I turned away from him to head back upstairs, but he grabbed my elbow a little rougher than necessary. I looked at his hand on me and then at his angry yet sorrowful eyes.

  “Why don’t you want me to go? Why do you want to be away from me so badly?”

  “You have made it pretty clear that we don’t have a future together,” I said with my voice trembling. “I’m trying to soften the blow I’m bound to have.”

  He softened and the grip on my elbow slacked. He cupped my face with his hands and said “That’s the last thing you should be worried about right now.”

  When I should have pulled away, I allowed him to press his lips to mine with a sweet, but sad kiss. He continued to hold my face where he wanted to as the kiss changed from sweet to needy. Kyle’s tongue searched for my own and when I gave it to him he sighed and moaned lightly into my mouth as if I had just given him the one thing that he had been desperate for. It made me feel needed, though not in the way I had hoped for, but I took it anyway.

  I rested my hands on his hips as Kyle laced his fingers into my hair, angling my head so that he could kiss me deeper. His tongue tasted mine, flicking over my tongue ring, stroking along the sides of the muscle, as his breathing changed, deepened and quickened. Keeping his hands in my hair and his mouth on mine, he walked us over to the couch. His hands released my hair, slid down my back and cupped my ass. He pressed my body to his, allowing me to feel how aroused he was. I wrapped my hands around his neck as he lowered me to the couch, his tongue continuously enjoying my mouth. He settled over me, bracing himself with one arm so that he wouldn’t put all of his body weight on me. That was never a problem before. In the past, Kyle would crush me with his weight while we were copulating, and I loved feeling his body on mine, possessing me, but now he was probably just as scared as I was to do that.

  Kyle reluctantly detached his mouth from mine and gazed down at me. His lips were just as swollen as mine felt from kissing. I slowly dragged two fingers across his mouth.

  “I love you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “You have revived something in me that I thought was gone and dead. You don’t just make me feel alive, but you make me feel like I am living.”

  I gripped his face in my hands and lifted my head to plant kisses on his lips and face.

  “Then don’t you ever let me go,” I said, but I couldn’t keep the pleading out of my voice, nor could I keep the tears from falling from my eyes. I felt like multiple worlds were teetering, ready to come crashing down at me at the same time.

  “I’ll do what I have to do to keep you safe,” Kyle said as he struggled to emotionally pull away from me again.

  “Damn it, Kyle!” I held his head still, made him look at me. “Safe from whom?”

  “Me.”

  “I’m safe with you,” I said.

  Kyle took a deep breath before he spoke and I felt as if an impending doom was about to drop on me.

  “Before we left for Bora Bora, I realized that I could get photographic evidence of what I did to Emmy. I requested it. That’s why Corsey was here. He brought it to me.”

  I froze. I wasn’t sure I was really hearing him correctly. I played his words over in my head until there was no way I could misunderstand what he was really saying.

  “Did you see them?” I asked hesitantly.

  “No. Not yet.”

  “Don’t ever look,” I pleaded. “You’re the only one still suffering for this and it’s time to let it go.”

  “I can’t let it go,” he snapped at me, but then briefly closed his eyes to regain his composure. “That can be you – today, tomorrow, next year.”

  “But-”

  “Don’t be naïve, Lily,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m a fucking meth head. I can relapse any time.”

  “But you haven’t!” I shouted. “And you won’t.”

  “How do you know I haven’t?” he asked so steadily, that I jolted back away from him and pulled my hands away from his face as if it was too hot to hold.

  “When?” I whispered.

  “Right before you came to work for the company, right after Emmy left,” he said, trying to appear nonchalant, but I could see his shame in his eyes.

  “That was several months ago,” I said, shaking my head. “You’ve been clean since then.”

  “Are you sure about that?” he whispered, but he did it in a way to taunt me.

  I hesitated before asking my next question. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know the answe
r. “Did you do it again?”

  His eyes were pained when he spoke again. “No, but the craving is so damn strong I’m not sure I can resist it.”

  “Because of those fucking pictures!” I screamed vehemently, surprising even myself. I shoved him hard, but he didn’t move off of me. “Why did you have to go looking for pain?” I cried. “Why couldn’t you just be fucking happy?”

  “I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, Lily! History is bound to repeat itself – I needed to do this!”

  I cried uncontrollably now. This was too much. Kyle was looking for the one thing that could tear us apart. His drug problem was possibly taking over his life. He couldn’t stop punishing himself for what he did to Emmy and he was afraid he’d do it to me and our baby next. On top of it all, my mother was laid up in some hospital struggling for her life or already dead. I felt completely helpless to help her, completely helpless to convince Kyle that he deserves to be happy, and I was scared shitless that I would lose another baby, except this time I’d be completely alone.

  Kyle got up and attempted to scoop me into his arms, but I fought him off of me, punching, slapping, and shrieking at him until he stood back and away from me. I got up off of the couch and moved away from him, trying not to stumble into any furniture as my tears blinded me.

  “Lily,” I heard him say my name, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry.”

  I pulled a pair of flip flops out of my suitcase, slipped them on my feet and then picked up my carryon bag.

  “What are you doing?” Kyle asked, beside me.

  I ignored him as I picked my pocketbook up off of the floor. I checked my pocket to be sure I had my phone and started for the door. Kyle grabbed my elbow, rough and unyielding as he spun me around to face him.

  “What the hell are you doing?” he demanded.

  “Why delay the inevitable?” I snapped at him. “I’m going to Ohio – alone, and when I return I am moving the hell out of here. You can sit here in this big house alone with your drugs and your pictures.”

  I tried to pull away from him, but he held fiercely to my upper arms.

  “I’m not trying to hurt you,” he said harshly. “I’m trying to protect you and our baby. This is killing me.”

  “It’s not killing you enough, or else you’d burn that fucking envelope without ever looking in it.”

  “I can’t do that,” he said, grimacing.

  “Then let. Me. Go.” I said through a clenched jaw.

  “I’m going with you to Ohio,” he said with finality.

  “I can’t stop you from getting on the airplane,” I said bitterly.

  “And I’m staying with you,” he said, releasing me.

  “I don’t want you there.” I took a few steps back from him.

  “You will,” he said grimly and walked away from me.

  *~~~*

  Harry, one of Corsey’s men was waiting for us in the Escalade when we got downstairs. I climbed in first and slid all the way over to the other side. When Kyle got in and saw how far I had moved over, he gave me a look that said “Really?” but I ignored it.

  “Harry, before you go to the airport, drive us by the building site,” Kyle said.

  “What building site?” I asked with suspicion. Surely it wasn’t the one that he supposedly went to before our trip. I was ninety-nine percent positive that he didn’t go to a building site, but went to whom ever had access to those photographs. He and Marco had started building at a site in Delaware, but I didn’t think we were going there either.

  Kyle looked at me with a bland expression but didn’t answer. I shook my head in disgust and looked out the window. I was lost in my own thoughts as we jumped onto the Ben Franklin Bridge and rolled into New Jersey. I was thinking less about my own problems and more about my mother, my sister, and the kids. If my mom died or needed care herself, who was going to help Lydia with the kids? I wasn’t sure if I was up for the job. Even if mom was okay to care for herself, it wouldn’t be fair to put her in that stressful situation again. There were going to have to be changes and I wasn’t sure where I would come in, or what I was even willing to do for my estranged sister.

  I narrowed my eyes in confusion as we sped by familiar scenery. As far as I knew, as Kyle’s personal assistant and office manager, he didn’t have any projects going on in this area of South Jersey. Then as the car slowed, I saw it. I couldn’t close my mouth if a hundred flies threatened to fly into it. When the Escalade came to a stop, like a little kid I pressed my nose and hand to the window, staring, gawking. I heard Kyle get out, but I didn’t pay any attention to it until he was opening my door and catching me before I fell out. I stumbled out of the truck under his strong care and stared at the construction scene in front of me.

  The framework was almost complete. It was two stories high, with a decent size balcony on the second floor and spaces that looked like they were for French doors and floor to ceiling windows that made the outside area and inside flow well together. There was also a patio on the first floor and that, too flowed through holes in the wall that looked like they were meant for the double doors and enormous windows.

  “What…when…”I couldn’t figure out what question to ask as I felt Kyle’s arm slip across my shoulders and he pulled me close.

  “I bought the lot in December,” he said. “In February I bought the house that used to be behind it and had it demolished. We started building as soon as the weather was acceptable. Marco designed it. The designs for the inside are spectacular.”

  I couldn’t stop looking at what was quickly becoming a bar – more than a bar – a destination for watching ball games, drinking, eating, and playing.

  “It’s all yours, baby,” Kyle said softly, watching me for a reaction.

  “What do you mean it’s all mine? You barely liked me in December. Why would you do this for me?”

  “I loved you in December. You deserve this.”

  “You…saw Emmy in December?” I asked gingerly.

  “No,” he frowned. “I saw Luke.”

  “How did that go?”

  “He went off,” Kyle shrugged. “Ranted and raved and shoved me around, but when it became clear to him he wasn’t getting a fight out of me, he calmed down and got down to business.”

  “Oh…you must be disappointed that he didn’t kick your ass.”

  He frowned. “Yes, but I don’t want to discuss that. I want to know how you feel about this.”

  There were too many conflicting emotions crackling through my chest right then. I was sad, angry, scared shitless, hopeful and hopeless, and grateful. I couldn’t cry, smile, laugh, scream, or swoon. I could only stand there, leaning on Kyle, and stare at the building before us. It was all too much – all of it – everything – my mom, my surprise pregnancy, Kyle, the bar.

  “Thank you,” I managed thickly. “I wish I could say more, but I’m so…overwhelmed right now.”

  “I know,” he said and kissed the top of my head. “I don’t have any control over what’s happening to your mom, but the rest is my fault. I thought maybe this would make you feel a little better. You’re getting your dream.”

  “I would give this up just to have you,” I said, barely audible over the sounds of the workers and their machines.

  Before he could answer, a familiar face in a hard hat approached us.

  “You weren’t supposed to see this until the completion,” Marco scowled at Kyle before sweeping me into a hug that lifted me off of the ground.

  “You’ve been keeping secrets,” I managed a smile for Marco once he put me down.

  “Siamo spiacenti, princess,” he apologized with a sexy smile. “I’ll make it up to you over lunch tomorrow.”

  “Oh,” I said as my smile faded. “I’m sorry. I can’t. My mother is ill. We’re on our way to the airport now.”

  Marco frowned, but looked at my sympathetically. “I hope she gets better soon. You look like you could use some rest yourself.”

  I wished then that I had grabbed
my sunglasses to hide my red and puffy eyes. I knew I probably looked like shit since I hadn’t slept in twenty-four hours and I had cried all morning.

  “We have to go,” Kyle said as he started to steer me away from Marco.

  “I’m glad you were a part of this,” I said to him, finding another smile for him.

  He gave a shrug. “I thought it would be great way to sneak into your good graces in the event that Sterling screws up.”

  His innocent remark was meant as a joke, but he had no idea that it would poke at currently weeping wounds when he said it. Kyle and I both frowned. I looked at the ground and Kyle looked somewhere to the right.

  “What the fuck did you do?” Marco said, poking Kyle’s chest.

  Kyle scowled at him now. “I suggest that you not provoke me right now, Mangini,” he said in a tone that meant business. I didn’t think Marco was afraid of Kyle, but he backed off after a moment anyway.

  “You call me if you need me – for anything,” Marco said to me.

  I nodded and he leaned and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek. Kyle ushered me back into the Escalade. Instead of walking back around to the other side, he made me slide over, but when he got in he didn’t let me slide away from him. As if I were a child, he buckled me into the middle seat. He was very quiet for the first few minutes back on the road. When he finally spoke, it was in a clipped tone.

  “You smiled for Marco,” he said, staring out the window.

  “He hasn’t given me a reason to do otherwise,” I answered in an equally icy tone.

  “I understand that you two get along well and that you have met him for a lunch a few times, but is that all?”

  “What do you mean is that all?” I asked, irritated by what I recognized as an interrogation. “You would know if that was all – you’re the one that assigns me a Lily-sitter every time I step out of your sight.”

  His dark eyes settled on me. “Do you speak often?”

  “What do you think?” I growled.

  “I think deciding not to occasionally check your phone was a bad decision on my part,” he said sharply.

  “And you won’t start checking my phone either. Besides, by your estimation, we won’t be together very long anyway – if you want to call this being together – and you won’t need to check up on me at all.”