Worthy of Redemption

by L. D. Davis

  “Regardless of what happens between us, as long as we are connected…” he placed his hand over my lower belly. “I will always ‘checkup’ on you, Lily.”

  I pushed his hand off of me, disgusted. “If you must know, I talk to Marco regularly. We text almost daily and I talk to him on the phone at least once a week. Do you feel better knowing that information now?” I asked roughly.

  “No,” he growled. “It pisses me off. Neither of you mentioned your secret relationship until now.”

  “It’s no secret, you ass. I don’t need to know every time that you talk to him.”

  “I would never cheat on you with him,” he said dryly.

  “Wow,” I said with a cynical laugh. I threw my head back against the headrest and stared at the ceiling. “Wow. Are you high now?” I looked at him.

  “No!” he barked.

  “Are you sure? Because you’re being so…crazy. You are all over the place today, Kyle. You know, when you finally cut me loose, make sure it’s a clean cut because I can’t deal with your insane mood swings.”

  He started to speak, but I cut him off.

  “No! Don’t speak. Almost everything that has come out of that stupid mouth of yours has somehow conflicted with the previous stupid thing you’ve said. Just stop talking. I don’t want to hear your voice until we land in Ohio. Then I want you to get back on the next flight back to Philly. Look at your pictures, check my phone records, take a hit of meth – do whatever makes you happy and leave me out of it.”

  “You are what makes me hap-”

  “I said hush!” I unbuckled my seatbelt and moved over to the other side where I buckled myself in again.

  Kyle didn’t speak again for the rest of the ride to the airport, but he didn’t take his eyes off of me either.

  *~~~*

  As soon as we deplaned, I was on my dying phone calling Lydia to let her know I was in Columbus and to see if she had heard anything.

  “She’s stable,” she said and then I heard muffled yelling at a child.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and got the necessary information from her so I could go directly to the hospital.

  “You sound like shit,” she said before I could end the call.

  I paused before answering her. This wasn’t how I envisioned our first real conversation beginning. “I feel like shit,” I assured her.

  “I will feel better about myself if you also look like shit.”

  I couldn’t stop the small smile from popping up on my face. “I promise you, Lydia, you will feel extremely good about yourself.”

  There was a few seconds of thoughtful silence. “I hope so. I found a babysitter. I’m going to get a cab and go to the hospital in a little while. I’ll see you there.”

  “Okay,” I said and ended the call.

  Kyle heard the whole conversation with his super human hearing, and plus he was hovering over me so closely I couldn’t exhale without part of my body touching his.

  “Why is she taking a cab?”

  Annoyed with his presence, I answered quickly as I moved through the airport. “She hasn’t driven a car since Gavin died. She couldn’t at first – her leg was badly mangled in the accident, but now she’s afraid to. She was driving when the accident happened and she blames herself. So, now she doesn’t drive.”

  “You know a lot for a sister you haven’t spoken to in years,” Kyle said.

  “My mother talks about her whether I want to hear about her or not. The ticket counter is that way,” I pointed without looking at him.

  “I’m staying with you, little bully,” he grumbled and took my bag away from me.

  I didn’t feel like arguing with him anymore and allowed him to take my hand. He lead me outside to a waiting Escalade.

  “You really like your Escalades,” I muttered before climbing inside.

  We had to stop once on the side of the road when my stomach suddenly flipped. Kyle watched with worried eyes as I puked up yet another snack that I had on the plane.

  “You really need to see a doctor,” he said. “This can’t be normal.”

  “It’s your baby,” I said icily once we were moving again. “There’s nothing normal about it.”

  When we arrived at the hospital, I practically ran to my mom’s room in the Intensive Care Unit.

  “I have to die twice to get my first born to visit me,” were my mother’s first words when I appeared at her side.

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I cried as I took hold of her cold hand. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t cry,” she said, trying to comfort me by patting my hand. I instantly felt guilty that she was trying to comfort me when she was the one who looked like she was knocking on death’s door, and apparently death answered twice.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked.

  “I feel like I died. Twice,” she said as her lip curved to one side in a sarcastic smile.

  “That’s not funny,” I stared at her in disbelief as I wiped at my tears.

  “You look so different,” she said, touching my face. “You’re not hiding behind all of that makeup and hair dye anymore. I can see your beautiful face, but you look so tired.” Her eyes widened. “Oh, no did I pull you from your vacation in Tahiti?”

  “No, we just got back a few hours ago.”

  “I thought you were supposed to be there for seven or eight days,” she said, wincing with confusion.

  “I wasn’t feeling well,” I said evasively. “We left early. It’s a good thing, too. I would have gone out of my mind if I had to wait almost a whole day to get to you.” I rubbed her hand lovingly as I tried to blink back more tears.

  “Don’t start crying again,” she warned. “Tell me about your mystery boyfriend and your trip to Bora Bora.”

  “Tahiti is beautiful,” I said, skirting the activities I did not get to enjoy there. “Crystal blue waters, white sandy beaches, hot Tahitian men with bulging muscles…”

  She snickered. “You should have brought one of them home for me.”

  “Next time,” I promised.

  She sighed as she squeezed my hand. “You’re pretending to be happy for my sake, but I know you very well, Lily. Why are you so sad?”

  “You’re laid up in the hospital after a major heart attack, mom,” I said incredulously. “How am I supposed to feel?”

  “It’s not just me, though is it?” she said knowingly. “What’s going on between you and Kyle?”

  Under normal circumstances I learned not to unload on my mom about my problems, especially after she moved in with Lydia. She had her own plus three to deal with then. I didn’t want to start now after she had ‘died twice’. Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. “I don’t know what’s going on between me and Kyle,” I admitted. “But he came here with me. He’s in the waiting room now.”

  “I want to meet him before I die a third time,” she said. “Don’t tell me I’ll have to die a third time to meet him.”

  “You’re really not funny,” I said, shaking my head as she chuckled.

  “I don’t understand what’s so funny,” Lydia’s voice admonished from the doorway.

  Kyle was standing beside her, supporting her as she struggled to walk without pain. It was the first time I had laid my eyes on her since my suicide attempt many years ago. She was two years younger than me but she looked at least ten years older right now. Her once long, flowing red hair was now chopped into a bob. Her gentle curves were now straight lines and sharp angles, and her gray-blue eyes seemed darker, figuratively and literally. This person in front of me was a shell of what my beautiful younger sister was, and it all changed overnight only about a year ago. I was shocked by how bitterly sad I felt. I was rocked by how much I had missed and all that I lost when I cut her off.

  I looked at Kyle, whose eyes were locked on me. Despite the confusion and ridiculousness going on between us, I was glad he was there.

  “I found this preppy guy lurking in the hallways and assumed he belonged to you,” Lydia sa
id to me as she hobbled to the chair on the other side of my mother, assisted by the “preppy guy”.

  “Finally,” mom said, reaching for Kyle with her IV hand.

  I watched with amazement as Kyle squeezed between Lydia and the bed and bent over to hug my mother. If someone would have said seven months ago that Kyle Sterling hugged and kissed the cheek of an older, sickly complete stranger, I would have laughed. Hard.

  “My god,” mom said when he stepped away. “He’s so handsome, Lily. Look at those dark, mysterious eyes and that jawline.”

  “Mom!” Lydia rolled her eyes. “He can hear you, you know.”

  “You didn’t tell me he was an Adonis,” mom looked at me with shock.

  “I think dying twice sucks a lot of oxygen from your brain,” I said worriedly. “But I died twice and I’m fine.”

  “You don’t think I’m an Adonis?” Kyle asked, his tone playful, but his eyes were so very weary.

  “I think you’re the second hottest man on Earth, but it’s creepy that my mom also thinks so,” I told him.

  “Second hottest?” He crossed his arms. “Who is the first?”

  “Shemar Moore,” my mother, my sister, and I all said at the same time.

  “I can’t compete,” Kyle held up his hands in defeat.

  For the next hour, we all played a good game of make believe. Lydia and I pretended that we had not been estranged for seven years. Kyle and I pretended that the last few days had not happened and we were still a happy couple. Mom pretended that her current health condition wasn’t as serious as it really was. We all played a very good game, so well we all almost really believed it all. Mom joked that she wouldn’t die a third time before we returned in the morning.

  On the way out, Lydia and I stopped in the bathroom. My stomach was pitching, but I managed to not barf. I inwardly cringed to Lydia walking with a terrible limp. She was in pain but she put on a good show of positivity, never once complaining.

  “You really do look like shit,” she said, looking at me in the mirror as she washed her hands. I had finished first and was waiting, leaning against another sink.

  “I probably don’t smell too good either,” I said, stifling a yawn.

  “What’s wrong, Lily?” Lydia asked seriously, her voice quiet but demanding.

  I tried to play it off with a small smile. “I’m tired as hell, Lydia. I’ve basically been traveling for almost thirty hours. I’m tired and as you pointed out, I look like shit.”

  “I know it’s been years, but you’re still my sister and I still know you better than anyone ever will,” she said as she dried her hands on a paper towel. She threw it in the trash behind her and looked at me straight on. “What is wrong?”

  I had treated Lydia like shit for seven years, refusing to even offer my condolences after Gavin died and refusing to even acknowledge her physical and emotional pain thereafter. Yet, here she was standing before me, just being my sister, the one I used to love and confide in so many years ago.

  I dipped my head as the tears hit me full force. My body reacted violently to the emotional torment I was feeling, jerking with my sobs, and my stomach felt like it was going to leap out of my mouth. Lydia lost a husband, a father to her children, a best friend, a sister, her mother twice, and would live in pain for the rest of her life, but she didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around me and hold me tight while I cried.

  I couldn’t find the words to speak, I could only cry and hold her back. Her words from earlier in the day haunted me though. For once, could you think of someone else besides yourself?

  I pulled away from her, apologizing as I grabbed wads of rough paper towels to dry my face.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, trying to stop my crying. “You’re right. I’m so selfish, always thinking about myself.”

  “I didn’t mean that,” she said softly, rubbing my arm.

  “Yes, you did,” I laughed through my tears.

  “Not in the context you think,” she said evasively. “But that’s a conversation for another time.”

  I looked at her. “No, I know what that’s about. I thought about it on the flight over. After Anna died Gavin spent all of his time caring for me, but no one took care of Gavin,” I said, with new tears spilling over. “He lost a daughter, too and I only focused on myself. You took care of him and it’s no wonder he fell in love with you.”

  Lydia shook her hands and blinked up at the ceiling, her old trick for trying not to cry.

  “You bitch,” I poked her. “I just bawled like a baby. The least you can do is let a tear slip.”

  She looked at me with watery eyes. “I’ll never forget…” she covered her face and let out a couple of gut wrenching sobs. She uncovered her face and tried again. “I’ll never forget seeing you bleeding on the bathroom floor, all the blood, the hopelessness on your face and knowing I did that to you.”

  “I did it to myself, Lydia,” I said, holding her hand.

  “But I helped. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen,” she said, wiping away tears. “Gavin was devastated afterward. I think he only married me because I was as close as he could get to you.”

  “What? No. He married you because you are you.”

  “You don’t understand,” she said shaking her head. “He never got over what happened, and he never got over you. When he was dying he kept asking for you, Lily. Not me, not the kids, only you.”

  I was stunned to hear this. I felt like a total ass for not going to Ohio after the accident. So fucking selfish. “I’m sorry,” I said, wiping at new tears.

  “Don’t be,” she said with a shrug. “He was still a good husband and father, and I’m sure he really understood how hurt you still were.”

  “I’m such a bitch,” I cried.

  “I know, right?” she laughed.

  We threw our arms around each other and hugged again. A woman walked in then. She looked at us with leeriness before closing herself into a stall.

  “So, tell me,” Lydia said after she released me. “What else is going on with you?”

  I gave a small shrug. “I’m pregnant by an amazing man who doesn’t realize he’s amazing. The father of my baby hurt someone else really bad a couple of years ago and though she has moved on, he can’t forgive himself and he’s headed down a road full of hardships and turmoil. He’s trying not to take me with him, but of course I’m going.” I didn’t know I could cry so fucking much in a single day. I should have been dry and dehydrated by now.

  Lydia wiped my tears away with her thumbs. “Do you want me to steal this one, too?” she asked, and we both laughed. It was all I could do to hold on to a small piece of my sanity.

  We left the bathroom after drying our faces. Kyle stood nearby, waiting patiently as if we had not just spent forever in there. He didn’t comment on the red puffy eyes or the sniffles my sister and I had from crying. After helping Lydia into the Escalade, Kyle stroked a hand down my cheek and gave me a brief but tender kiss before opening my door for me. It seemed like everything would be alright, but I knew better than that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  *~Kyle~*

  Lily was sound asleep after only five minutes, leaning heavily into me as I held her. Lydia looked at her sister with affection and regrets.

  “She puts on a tough act, she always has,” she said to me in a soft tone so not to wake Lily. “But she’s not as tough as she pretends to be.”

  “I know,” I agreed.

  “Do you?” she challenged. “Because whatever it is you’re doing, you’re tearing her apart. I didn’t even think she would ever fall in love with someone after Gavin. She doesn’t do anything half way, Kyle. If she loves you, she loves you whole heartedly. I strongly suggest you not fuck it up – don’t fuck her up.”

  “I don’t want to fuck her up,” I argued as softly as I could. “I want to save her from…”

  “From yourself?” Lydia questioned knowingly. “What exactly have you done in the past that is so horrible that you would risk l
osing her to save her?”

  I wasn’t in the habit of discussing what I did to Emmy with strangers, but Lydia was Lily’s sister. Maybe if I told her what I did she would help convince Lily that I wasn’t good for her.

  “I was in a love triangle – sometimes square – with an incredible woman. To make that disastrous long story short, I mixed meth with alcohol and more meth one New Year’s Eve and went berserk on that incredible woman. She was five months pregnant at the time,” I sighed heavily. “I don’t remember it, but I was able to obtain pictures and video documenting how badly I hurt her. I haven’t looked at it yet, but it’s sitting on my desk at home, waiting for me.”

  “And you’re going to look?” Lydia asked incredulously.

  It was pissing me off that people were so against me looking.

  “Of course I’m going to look,” I snapped. “I need to.”

  “What about what Lily needs? She needs you. You know damn well you’re going to go off the deep end when you see that shit. I don’t even know you and I know you’ll go off the deep end. You’ll never be able to scrub those images from your mind and you will punish yourself just by closing your eyes.”

  “I can’t not see those pictures and video,” I said harshly. Lily shifted at the sound of my gruff voice, but she just cuddled closer to me and continued to snore softly.

  “When I started falling for Lily, I tried to keep my distance as much as possible,” I said to Lydia. “I was mean to her and pretended she didn’t mean anything to me. Even after I gave in, I tried to push her away again and we still ended up together. I thought maybe I could do this, be good to her and make her happy for a long time, but when I started thinking in terms of forever, and not just a long time, my outlook changed. I am a recovering drug addict and I have done some really cruel shit to people while I was on drugs and in my first stages of recovery. I realized that I couldn’t risk doing to her what I did to that other woman. I know I broke her and I don’t want to break Lily.”