A Love Like This

by Kahlen Aymes

  I shoved one pile at him. “You want presents? Here ya go.” My eyes finally filled with frustrated tears. I felt sorry for myself, sorry for the loss of the evening, sorry that I couldn’t control this horrible jealousy or how angry I was.

  Ryan scooted off the couch to sit Indian-style on the floor next to me and pointed to one of the two gifts left under the tree. “I want that one.” He was trying to move past the last hour and a half, but I was still defensive and upset.

  My chin quivered and two tears tumbled down my face as it crumpled. “No, you don’t!”

  “Yes, I do.” His fingers reached out to graze my forearm in a peace offering.

  I sniffed and sat up straighter, pushing the tears off my face with both hands. “Really? Okay.” I reached for the gift, childishly ripping off the wrapping and dumping the contents of the Nike box in his lap.

  “Another coincidence, right?” I sat back on my heels and stared at him, tears blurring my vision. “Right? Only these aren’t four hundred dollars, and they’ll fit.”

  Ryan pushed the shoes to the floor, and his fingers curled around my wrist, pulling me toward him. The lights were still low, but the votive candles were mostly burned out and all that was left was the soft glow from the tree. Despite my anger, I couldn’t help notice the way the lights cast shadows on the perfect planes of his face, emphasizing the strength in his jaw and brow.

  “They’re perfect. Honey, I said I’m sorry she showed up.” He tugged on my arm again. I wanted to go to him, my heart needed the comfort of his arms, but my brain was still defiant and angry. “Please don’t let her ruin tonight.”

  “You said you talked to her!” My eyes flashed. “I’m sick of this, Ryan.”

  “I did, but it’s Christmas, and she’s alone.”

  “Yeah! It’s OUR Christmas! Instead of lecturing me on how she’s all alone, how ‘bout you understand how invaded and cheated I feel!” I stood up and walked away then turned back and looked down at him, still on the floor in front of the tree and piles of gifts. “We should be making love right now, but instead, I don’t think I can stand it if you touch me tonight.” I overlapped both hands on my forehead and closed my eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat and willing myself not to cry.

  When I looked down, Ryan’s head bowed, and he ran one hand through his hair. My heart squeezed; he was tired and looked defeated when he finally looked up at me. “After everything we’ve been through together, you don’t trust me?”

  “This has nothing to do with trust.”

  “It has Goddamn everything to do with it!” He didn’t shout, but his voice was loaded with anger and he quickly rose to his feet. His expression was pained and pissed. I threw up my hands.

  “As amazing as you can be, Ryan, I sometimes forget that you’re just a man. Instead of trying to turn this around on me, why don’t you see it for what it is? You let her ruin this for us!”

  “I haven’t done one damn thing to encourage her, Julia!”

  “Well, apparently you aren’t great at discouraging her, either.”

  “I don’t treat her any Goddamn different than I do any of the people I work with!” Ryan was yelling now.

  “Are you sure about that? I don’t see any of them showing up unannounced.”

  “This is bullshit, Julia! We could pick up right where we left off if you weren’t so…” The muscle in Ryan’s jaw was twitching and his fists were clenched.

  “If I wasn’t what? Right?” I waited for him to rail back at me, but he just glared at me, seething, his chest visibly rising and falling. Well, it served him right!

  “Truth or Dare, Ryan?”

  He didn’t answer. “You said you wanted to play, so I’ll start. I dare you to make it one damn day without letting that woman come between us.” His eyes filled with something closer to hatred than I’d ever seen. “Don’t want to do that? Okay.” I taunted when he wouldn’t answer. “Truth. Do I have to run out in the middle of the night and get myself raped or hurt to put me back on an even playing field with that bitch?”

  “Shut the fuck up! I won’t hear more of that crap!” He rushed at me and grabbed both of my arms and shook me roughly. His fingers dug into my flesh painfully. “Just stop it!”

  I went limp in his arms, staring blankly up at him. He looked shocked that he’d touched me in anger and his hold loosened. “You’re hurting me,” I said stoically. “Let go.” When Ryan’s hands fell away, I turned my back on him. “I’m done fighting about this,” I said weakly. “I gather that gift under the tree is perfume?”

  He nodded wearily and bent to retrieve it, fingering the bow on the top without looking at me. I couldn’t see his eyes, but his throat was working overtime.

  “You told her what you were getting me for Christmas?” I huffed, “I did too, and she totally fucked me.”

  He seemed as defeated as I felt. “Jane picked it up for me. I couldn’t seem to find the time, and she offered. I was talking to her about you and I…”

  My throat constricted painfully, and I licked my lips, hurt that this woman was infiltrating us so deeply that she was even buying my Christmas gifts in Ryan’s stead.

  “Why don’t you give it to your girlfriend?” I asked softly, leaving Ryan holding the gift before disappearing down the hall and closing my bedroom door softly behind me. I didn’t have the energy to slam it.

  *****

  The week between Christmas and New Years was bearable, because between the gala and working on the mock-up for the March issue, I was completely immersed in work. Meredith came into town a few days early for meetings with my boss and the big bosses upstairs.

  She popped into my office on Tuesday, unexpectedly asking me to lunch. I looked up from my piles of work and welcomed the reprieve, though I still had to come up with layouts for three feature articles. She looked amazing and chic, as usual, in a black suit and vibrant orange blouse; finished off by chunky costume jewelry that probably cost as much as the real stuff. Her hair was cut in a modern short style.

  I rose from the desk to hug her. I was acutely aware of the bags under my eyes and the locks of hair that had worked their way loose from my up-do. Messy buns were in, but this was a case of not giving a shit after a sleepless night.

  “Wow! What the hell happened to you?” Meredith asked. “Is that sorry excuse for a publisher, John, working you too hard? I’ll go back upstairs and beat his ass!”

  I couldn’t help but smile as I hugged the smaller woman. I was small, but she was waif-thin.

  “I’m working hard, sure, but not because of John. You look fantastic! I love your hair cut!”

  Meredith patted the back of her head. “I finally caved. When you get to a certain age, I guess you have to chop it all off.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re not of that age. Give me a break!”

  “Thank you, darling! There are so many reasons I love you. Get your coat. I’m taking you to lunch at Butter.”

  “Meredith, that’s so far from the office,” I protested. “I have too much to do.”

  “Nonsense. I have a car waiting. Come on.” She waved me toward the door, and less than half an hour later, we were being seated in the posh restaurant.

  “I make it a point to come here every time I’m in New York.”

  We both ordered iced tea, and as I was glancing at the menu trying to determine what I could order that would allow me to take half home to Ryan, Meredith cleared her throat.

  She set her menu aside. “Are you going to tell me what’s up?”

  I met her eyes, lifting my brows, and shaking my head. “Nothing. The event will go off without a hitch. We’ve got it all organized. Andrea will have the final head count to the caterer tomorrow.”

  Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes. “Julia,” she said, exasperated, “I’ve worked with you for years. I know a little thing like a Lincoln Center party wouldn’t give you sleepless nights.”

  I flushed guiltily but shook my head and lifted my shoulders in a way that sa
id ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ “I’m fine.”

  “Fine?” she said, disbelieving. “That’s a four letter word, if I ever heard one.”

  “Yes.” Things between Ryan and I were the worst they’d ever been, and I didn’t want to get into it. I was almost thankful he had to work Christmas Day because it allowed me to call my mom and cry my eyes out. Ryan slept on the couch for three nights without a word of discussion, and I hadn’t seen much of him. I missed him, but I wasn’t sure how to heal the wound.

  The waiter came and I ordered the rack of lamb and Meredith—the seared shrimp.

  As soon as we were alone again, Meredith leaned back in her chair and eyed me skeptically. “I know that is all bullshit, Julia. But, if you insist you’re fine, then it’s the perfect time for me to tell you that I still want you to go to Paris. I still need you over there. I’m not happy with the team we have in place. I know you could do so much better, and God knows, we need higher circulation numbers.”

  I carefully set down my glass of iced tea and contemplated what to say. “Are you asking me to go help out on an issue or two or what?”

  She looked at me like I was crazy. “No. I’m asking you to go over there and take over.”

  “Meredith… maybe if it were for a month or so, but not for longer.”

  She signed deeply. “Why?”

  “Because, Ryan and I are trying to have a baby.”

  “Oh, Jesus! Then now is the time to go. You won’t once you’re pregnant, Julia.”

  “I know, I just… I don’t know…” I stammered. “We’re having problems, and now isn’t a good time to leave.”

  “For God’s sake, Julia! Why are you trying to start a family when you’re not getting along with Ryan? A kid isn’t going to fix it.”

  My fingers wadded up the napkin in my lap. “I don’t know. When we decided to have a baby, we weren’t having problems. Besides that, my best friend is going through a lot, and she needs me, too.”

  “This is your job and your future.”

  “Ryan is my future.”

  “I never will understand you. I’m handing you what you said you wanted since the day I hired you.”

  I knew I’d have to tell her everything. “It is. And I appreciate it, I really do. But…”

  By the time we were through lunch and the waiter was boxing up the majority of my entrée, Meredith knew the entire story of Jane, from the gang incident all the way through Christmas Eve. Somehow, I manage to keep my voice fairly even and the tears at bay.

  “Men can be blind, but given Ryan’s looks, you’d think his eyes would be open.” She threw her napkin on the table. “Maybe he’s a little too secure, Julia. Maybe you leaving for Paris is what he needs; a wake-up call of sorts. And you could use the time to get your head on straight. If you’re not going to tell that bitch off, I might do it for you.”

  “We’ll see how it goes.”

  “I can’t wait forever. If the current team doesn’t turn things around, I’ll have to get someone else in there. If that someone isn’t going to be you, it will be someone. This opportunity has a shelf-life, just so you know, Julia.”

  “Okay, that’s fair.”

  “It would be terrible if you lost this chance and yet you and Ryan still didn’t make it.”

  My stomach lurched. She was right. Despite my declaration that my future was with Ryan, this was the first time ever that separation seemed like a real possibility. The thought dug away at my insides and I thought I might get physically ill. I couldn’t take much more of the current situation. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, when I was eating at all. Work was the only thing that helped at all. Something had to give.

  My wife and I were barely speaking, and it was driving me insane. Christmas Eve was the worst night of my life, left frozen next to the tree, anger and resentment nailing me to the floor. I just couldn’t beg forgiveness when I didn’t do anything wrong. As the week progressed, I felt listless and empty; completely miserable. I was still pissed, but I wasn’t sure at whom or what exactly; there were so many choices. I wanted to fucking kill something. I was snappy at work, practically snarling at Jane when I returned the shoes.

  “I can’t accept these, Jane. Thank you for the gesture.”

  “But, Ryan,” she began, but I cut her off abruptly and was oblivious to the pain on her face.

  “I said I can’t take them, Jane.”

  “I want you to have them…”

  “I don’t want them! You’re not my wife!” I shouted angrily, surprised at my own outburst.

  I left Jane standing in the middle of the ER amid all the rest of the staff looking on in shock. Later, I felt bad about it, but I was suffocating when I was around her, like she was sucking the life right out of me. If I was honest with myself, I’d admit that she was. If I lost Julia over this, I might as well have died at the hands of those thugs. I wanted to call my dad, but my mood was so waspish, I’d probably come off pissy, and I didn’t really feel like regurgitating the entire fucking mess, nor did I need to dump my problems in his lap. He’d probably just tell me to man up and deal, and I’d be even more pissed. Caleb tried to ask me about it, but he shut up when I told him I didn’t want to discuss my personal life at the hospital.

  The past week, Julia still made sure I was fed, even packed my lunch, but I was sleeping on the couch, and when we did happen to be home at the same time, I hated the haunted look in her eyes. Our conversations were uncomfortable and stilted. I felt alienated from her, and it made my heart hurt. She stayed far enough away from me that I couldn’t pull her into my arms and erase all of this shit. We didn’t touch at all, and it was killing me. This was the worst fight we’d ever had. These were the only nights she hadn’t been next to me since the two weeks right before our wedding when she went to New York and I stayed in Boston; or, when she had a trip for work.

  I hadn’t given her the poem. Everyday I wanted to, but I needed it to mean as much to her as it did to me, and I just couldn’t give it to her when we were fighting. I’d opened the perfume and left it on her dresser in place of the empty bottle. She used it, because I could smell it lingering in the house when I came home and she was still at work. I missed her more than I could stand.

  It was New Year’s Eve and Julia’s gala was tonight. I hoped I could make tonight as spectacular as I wanted it to be. Julia was required to stay until the party was almost over, but the plan was to make the most of the rest of the evening. I’d been unable to take Julia on a honeymoon, and since we were trying to conceive, I made reservations at the Waldorf Astoria over two months ago. The room had a Jacuzzi and a big king bed, and I’d arranged for champagne and strawberries to be waiting just after midnight, the room filled with candlelight, roses, and our favorite sexy playlist playing on the stereo. It was meant to be perfect and magically romantic.

  When my dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I didn’t need anything, he sent a check. I could think of nothing I’d rather use it on, and it helped me keep my plans a secret from Julia. To throw her off the scent, Mom sent gifts as well, not the least of which was the incredible gown hanging on the back of the bedroom door.

  My hand reached out to touch the silk. It was a beautiful dark green that matched her eyes, with the slightest silver shimmer dusting the fabric, fitted through the top but with some sort of floaty skirt. I could only imagine how breathtaking she’d look. I took it from the door and laid it carefully across the made bed, placing her present next to it with a lone white rose.

  Julia was in the bathtub, in our room. I wasn’t even sure if she wanted me to accompany her tonight, but it was a public fundraiser and I had a ticket. I could go alone if I needed to, but I’d be damned if the evening would end without make-up sex.

  I used the other bathroom to shower and change into my tuxedo. I hadn’t worn it since our wedding. I took my time shaving and combing my hair before I put on the pristine white shirt without buttoning it. I felt a mixture of anxio
us anticipation and sadness at the possibility that Julia wouldn’t want to reconcile. I splashed a little aftershave on my face, and it stung. I strung the bow tie around my neck, leaving it untied, the top few buttons of the shirt open, and slipped my feet in my polished black dress shoes.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and decided, determined, I was going to arrive at the gala with my beautiful wife on my arm.

  “Go get her,” I told myself. My heart pounded. I’d never felt so at a loss to know what Julia’s reaction would be. I knew her better than I knew myself, but this shit with Jane was new territory, and while I was angry, too, I had to put that aside. Doors or pride had no place between us.

  Determined to put an end to this misery, I turned out of the bathroom at the same moment that our bedroom door burst open, and Julia appeared. In what seemed like a fraction of a second, she rushed to me and wrapped her arms around my waist burying her face in my naked chest. She still had her robe on, but her hair was done up in one of those fancy styles I couldn’t remember the name of, and smelled like heaven. My arms closed around her shoulders.

  “Baby, what?” I asked, thankful just to touch her again. Her fingers curled against the muscles of my back underneath my shirt, and her forehead still rested against me.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. I was so stupid.”

  “Me, too. It got way out of hand.” Her hold around my waist tightened, but she still refused to look up, only nodding against me.

  “Hey. I’ll take care of everything. You’ll see.” A finger under her chin lifted her face so I could see her. There were tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. Her face was luminous perfection; silver and green shadow making her eyes glow; her eyes lined and lashes lush. I wanted to drown in them. I slid my arms underneath hers and hoisted her off the floor so our mouths were at the same level. I brushed my nose with hers, closing my eyes and breathing her in. Her hands wound in my hair on both sides of my head. “There never was, nor will there ever be… a love like this. You kill me when you don’t trust that.”