A Semi-Charming Kind of Life

by Suzanne Selfors

  Everyone turned and looked at Dexter. Standing there in his pajamas, his nose red from sneezing and with a terrible case of bedhead, he didn’t look anything like a jousting champion. The blue spots weren’t helping, either.

  Darling stared worriedly at Dexter. What would he say? Would he tell the truth? Truth would be a catastrophe. She’d get in trouble for dressing in his armor. He’d get in trouble for allowing it to happen. Shame, disappointment, and disapproval would pelt them like hail. She chewed her lower lip, unsure what to do.

  But before Dexter could say anything, Hunter stepped forward. “It was amazing, sire. Even though Dexter’s been sick, he went to class. He jousted against me and won. Professor Knight said it was the best he’d ever seen.”

  “Really?” Darling said, bursting into a proud smile. “He said the best?”

  “Yeah. But Dexter ran off the field before Professor Knight could commend him. He said that Dexter had the potential to win the tournament.”

  King Charming did not congratulate his secondborn son. Rather, he narrowed his eyes, a stern expression tightening his handsome face. Dexter just stood there, looking completely lost, as if he’d woken from a sleeping curse and had no idea what was going on or where he was.

  “How come you ran off the field?” Hunter asked.

  “Uh…” Dexter scratched one of the blue spots.

  Darling cleared her throat. “He was feeling sick. Isn’t that right, Dex? You needed to come back and get some rest. That’s why you’re in your pajamas.” She took his arm and guided him back into bed. “I agree that you need more rest.” Then she whispered in his ear, “Don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.”

  “Win the tournament?” he whispered between clenched teeth. “How am I supposed to do that?”

  Darling pulled the blanket up to his chin and said loudly, “That’s right, you need to sleep now. Nighty-night.” Then she turned to her father. “Who wants to go to the Castleteria and get a bite to eat? If you drown Hagatha’s beetloaf in ketchup, it’s almost edible.”

  “My darling daughter, I need to speak to your brother in private. Please wait outside. You, too, Mr. Huntsman.”

  With heavy steps, Darling left the room. Hunter shut the door behind them. “This armor is hot,” Hunter complained as he removed his chain mail tunic. Then, bare-chested, he leaned against the wall. Like Daring, Hunter enjoyed showing off his best assets. But he wasn’t trying to woo her. “Your dad didn’t look happy that Dexter did so well. What’s the deal?”

  “Shhh,” Darling told him as she pressed her ear to the door. “I’m trying to hear.”

  Despite the thick panel of wood that stood between them, King Charming’s voice rang clear from inside the dorm room. “Your mother and I have been worried about you, son. All those years of reading comic books and playing MirrorGames, we were beginning to think you weren’t cut from the same cloth as the other Charming men. I’m very proud to hear of your accomplishments today. Tomorrow, two Charmings will joust for the championship.”

  Darling gasped. She turned to Hunter. “What did my father mean when he said that two Charmings will joust tomorrow?”

  “Since Dexter was the best in class, he has to joust the champion.”

  The champion was Daring. Oh my fairy godmother, what had she done? She pressed her ear to the door again. Dexter was talking. “Dad, I’m feeling sick. This princely pox is super itchy. I don’t think I can joust tomorrow.”

  “Nonsense! A Charming is never too sick. It is destiny that my sons should be the best. I’ve never felt prouder.”

  Darling’s heart sank. I’m the one you should be proud of, she thought.

  “However,” King Charming said, “it is your brother’s destiny to be the champion. You are destined to be second best. If you are as good as Professor Knight claims, and he is usually correct in his observations, then tomorrow you must throw the match.”

  “Throw the match?” Darling said with surprise. Had she said that aloud? Oops.

  The door suddenly opened. Darling stumbled backward, bumping into Hunter. Her father stepped into the hallway. He scowled at her. “Eavesdropping is not princess-like,” he said.

  “Sorry,” she told him with another curtsy.

  “And whatever is the matter with your hair? It looks as if you’ve been wearing a bowl over your head. And why is your dress all rumpled? Didn’t we pay extra for ironing fairies? Make certain that you look appropriate for your brothers’ tournament tomorrow.” Then he looked at Hunter. “Mr. Huntsman?”

  Hunter stepped forward. “Yes, uh, sire?”

  “Tomorrow you will make sure that Dexter is out of bed and dressed on time. Two Charmings on the field! It will be quite a glorious day for the Charming family.”

  As the king strode down the hall and out of the dormitory, Darling dashed back into her brother’s room. “Throw the match? That’s so unfair.”

  “What do you mean, it’s unfair?” Dexter lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “This whole thing is unfair.”

  “But I could win,” she said with a stomp of her foot. “I know I could. Why should I have to throw the match?”

  “You’re not throwing the match,” Dexter said. “Because there is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent no way I’m letting you wear my armor ever again.”

  “But—?” She turned. Hunter was standing right next to her. He looked shocked.

  “What do you mean you won’t let her wear your armor again?” he said.

  Chapter 17

  Questions and Crisps

  Evening glided in as gracefully as a princess. The swans at the Swan Lake tucked their beaks into their wings and closed their black eyes. Tree frogs all over campus joined in a twilight chorus, and students settled into their dorm rooms.

  Darling sat at her desk, staring at a hextbook page. She had no idea what she’d just read. Why couldn’t she focus? Rosabella was hunched over her own desk, studying a thick stack of legal documents. “Did you know that the only kingdom that gives citizenship to beasts is Wonderland?” She pounded her fist on the desk. “That is so unfair. I’m going to get my law degree and fix that.”

  “Uh-huh” was as much enthusiasm as Darling could muster. Certainly beasts had problems to deal with, but at the moment, she was preoccupied with her own troubles.

  Hunter was suspicious for good reason—he’d overheard some of her and Dexter’s conversation. When he asked, “What do you mean you won’t let her wear your armor again?” Darling did the only thing she could—she pretended to faint.

  Fainting had been mastered in the last quarter’s Damsel-In-Distressing class. Not the real kind, where you actually lose consciousness, but the fake kind that comes in handy in many damsel situations. Before she hit the floor, Hunter swooped in and caught her while Dexter ran and got her a glass of cold water and a damp washcloth for her forehead. Hero Training had paid off. Then Hunter escorted her to Damsel-In-Distressing class. “Look, Darling, I know something odd is going on. How could Dexter beat me in jousting when he’s so sick that he can barely sit up in bed?” She looked the other way. “And how come he told you that he forbade you to wear his armor… again?” She pretended to get a hext on her MirrorPhone. “Wait a spell.” He stopped walking. “If Dexter was sick in bed, and you were wearing his armor, then…” His eyes widened. “Did you…?”

  She put her hands on her hips. “Are you asking if I pretended to be Dexter? That would mean that I jousted against you and won.” She forced herself to laugh. “Oh, that’s so silly, Hunter. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  His expression relaxed. Then he laughed. “Yeah. Ridiculous. I must have hit my head during practice.” He walked her to the classroom door and left.

  In Damsel-In-Distressing, Madam Maid Marian had them watch a movie called Pride and Properness. But Darling was distracted with worry. What if Hunter kept asking questions and Dexter, in his daze of sickness, accidentally confessed that Darling had been the knight in dente
d armor? Hunter would tell Ashlynn, who’d tell the other princesses, and Darling would end up in the headmaster’s office, facing her parents, who would be upset that she’d put herself in danger. They’d also be royally miffed that she’d broken countless rules, and that she’d damaged the family’s reputation. She’d end up back in the Charming Castle tower for sure!

  And then there was Dexter’s dilemma. Suffering from princely pox was a perfectly reasonable excuse to get out of a jousting tournament. But now, thanks to her meddling, he couldn’t use that excuse, because everyone believed he was some sort of Super Prince and had no problem jousting while sick. There was no getting out of tomorrow’s tournament, unless his arms fell off, but that was not a side effect of his medication, so there was no counting on that!

  So much fretting made the Damsel-In-Distressing class drag on and on. Darling only realized it was over when Briar elbowed her. “Hey, it’s time to go.”

  Back in her dorm room, the evening was also dragging. Rosabella seemed engrossed in her studies. But for Darling, the words on the page could not hold her interest, and the room began to feel small. Her legs twitched. She wanted to run. But there was no way she’d risk sneaking off campus, not with her father staying in the Parents’ Quarters.

  She pushed her chair away from her desk. “I’m hungry,” she said. “Do you want anything?”

  “How about a pack of beanstalk crisps?” Rosabella said. “But only if they’re organic. And only if they’ve been harvested from a fair-trade field.”

  Darling tied her bathrobe sash, slipped her feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers, then went down the hall. The Royal Common Room was empty. The fire had burned down to embers and was the only source of light. She walked behind the oak tree that grew in the corner. “Oh, hi,” she said as a figure stepped out of the darkness. “You startled me.”

  Raven Queen smiled. “Sorry. I often have that effect on people.” She held out a bottle of lemonade. “I was thirsty.” Then she took a long swig. No wonder Darling hadn’t seen her. Raven’s hair, bathrobe, and slippers were as dark as the shadows that filled the room. “What are you going to get?” She tilted her head toward the vending machine.

  “Beanstalk crisps,” Darling said as she pushed a button. A bag dropped into the bin.

  “Oh, sea salt and vinegar. Those are good. I think I’ll get some, too. General Villainy thronework always gives me the munchies. Evil spelling burns a lot of calories, even though I would rather be burning them another way.” She grabbed a bag. “How are things going with Dexter?”

  “Dexter?” What had Raven meant by that question? Did she know something? Had she been talking to Hunter? “What sorts of things are you asking about?”

  “I heard he was sick.”

  “Oh, of course.” She sighed with relief. “He has princely pox.”

  “Ugh, that’s rough.” She took another drink. “Apple was saying that Dexter’s been really good at jousting. I was kind of surprised. I mean, I never thought of him as a knight.”

  Was Raven impressed? It was hard to tell since she wore a serious look most of the time. Could jousting be a way for Dexter to win her heart? “Yeah, I guess he’s a natural,” Darling lied. “Do you like knights?”

  “They really don’t matter much to me. I didn’t read those stories when I was little. Why would I? No knight is written into my story.”

  “Oh,” Darling said. Knighthood wasn’t going to win Raven’s heart after all. “Consider yourself lucky. Not having a knight in your story means that you don’t have to wait to be rescued.”

  “I would never wait. That’s not my style.” Then she smiled, and her dark eyes twinkled. “The kind of guy I want, when I’m ready for one, is an equal partner. Someone who can think for himself and is okay with my thinking for myself. Someone who’s clever and kind. Someone who—I hope you don’t think I’m being rude—but someone who is the opposite of your brother Daring. All that fighting and boasting and stomping around isn’t what I’m looking for. But there seem to be a lot of girls around here who are.”

  The boy Raven had just described was Dexter!

  Darling hadn’t spent much one-on-one time with the Evil Queen’s daughter. If King Charming caught them talking, Darling would get an earful about hanging out with the wrong sort. Her parents would worry that Raven’s rebellious attitude would rub off on their daughter. Wouldn’t they be shocked to learn that I’ve been equally rebellious? Darling thought.

  “Well, I’d better get back to studying,” Raven said. Darling grabbed a second bag of crisps, and the girls walked up the hall together. “Tell Dexter I hope he feels better soon.”

  “Okay.” He’d be over the moon to hear that Raven had asked about him. “I will.”

  Back in her room, she handed a bag of crisps to Rosabella, then settled on her bed to eat the other bag. The conversation with Raven had been a nice distraction and had glimmered with the possibility of future friendship, but her thoughts darted back to tomorrow’s tournament. She couldn’t help but feel that she was about to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

  Dexter was a Prince Charming, but he clearly wasn’t cut out to be a knight. Even if he had a new visor that fit over his glasses, he didn’t have the desire to be a knight, and desire was just as important as skill. But she did. She’d loved the feel of the armor. She’d loved gripping the shield and lance, galloping across that field. And she was good—the best Professor Knight had ever seen.

  Her MirrorPhone buzzed. It was a hext from Madam Maid Marian.

  Meet me by the drawbridge in five minutes. Come alone. And wear your running shoes.

  Darling narrowed her eyes. What was going on?

  Chapter 18

  Marian by Moonlight

  Madam Maid Marian was waiting, her black bag in hand. “Are you ready?” she asked.

  “Ready for what?”

  “For an adventure in the Enchanted Forest.”

  Adventure? Darling looked around nervously. “I’m not supposed to have any adventures. They’re too dangerous for a Charming princess.”

  “I see.” Madam Maid Marian stepped close and looked right into Darling’s eyes. “Are you telling me that you would rather go back to your dormitory room and practice waiting?”

  “No. I…” Darling pulled her cloak tighter. She’d dressed her part, just in case she bumped into someone. Her gown and shoes were appropriately fancy, and her tiara was pinned in place. “I don’t think I should leave campus. Not tonight. My dad’s here, and if he finds out that I broke curfew, he’ll flip his crown.”

  “But you’re not breaking curfew if you’re with me,” Madam Maid Marian said with a grand sweep of her arm. “I’m a teacher and I’m giving you special permission. Also, I possess the secret password, so we’ll have no trouble getting through the headmaster’s security system.”

  “Headmaster Grimm gave you the password?” That seemed odd, since he clearly didn’t approve of her.

  “Gave?” She laughed. “Perhaps you aren’t familiar with my past.” Darling was quite familiar. She’d read and reread every chapter in Madam Maid Marian’s book. She almost forgot her teacher was one of Robin Hood’s famous Merry Men, equally famous for taking as for giving.

  Darling needed no further convincing. For the first time in her life, she was on the receiving end of an invitation to adventure. She burst into a smile. “Let’s do it! Should we go to the stables for horses?”

  “No, I’m much more comfortable in the forest on foot.” After crossing the drawbridge, they reached the wall of briars. Madam Maid Marian stepped up to a particularly thorny briar and whispered to it. The plant shuddered, and then a tunnel magically appeared in the patch, wide enough for them to walk straight through. As soon as they’d reached the other side, the tunnel disappeared. Madam Maid Marian yanked her cone hat off her head. “Phew! I hate wearing that thing.”

  “Really?” Darling asked with surprise. They hurried down the path and toward the forest. “Then why do you
wear it?”

  “Same reason you’re wearing that velvet gown. Appearances. If I want to keep my job at Ever After High, I need to look the part. But I don’t have to look the part while I’m in the woods. Nor do you. Are you wearing your silver suit?”

  Darling stumbled. Then she tried to feign confusion. “Silver what?”

  “Oh, come on, Ms. Charming. I saw you the other night, galloping like a jockey. I know all about the silver suit, which is lovely, by the way. Don’t worry. I’m not a spy for the headmaster. In case you hadn’t noticed, he and I don’t see eye to eye on some things.”

  Darling stopped walking. Just like with Betty Bunyan back at the blacksmith’s shop, Darling felt as if she’d met a kindred soul. Here was a woman who could appreciate the soft, stretchy fabric that allowed one to climb, ride, and run with ease. “It was made in the Elvish District. I special-ordered it.” She lifted her hem to reveal the silver pants. Instinct had told her that it might come in handy, so she’d worn her workout suit beneath her gown. “My running shoes are in here.” She patted her cape’s deep pockets.

  “Great. You’ll need them.”

  As they entered the Enchanted Forest, Darling reached for the torch app on her MirrorPhone, but it wasn’t necessary. The moon was so full and glorious that its beams shot through the trees, illuminating the forest floor. “Madam Maid Marian…” Darling said.

  “Please, just call me Marian. Madam Maid is so stuffy.”

  “Yes, of course. Marian…” It felt strange to call a teacher by her first name, but at the same time, it felt liberating. “Why did you invite me out here?”

  “You were so distracted and distant in class today. I could tell that something was weighing heavily on your mind.” They stopped in a clearing and Marian set her bag on a tree stump. “When I’m feeling stressed, I like to do something active. Are you the same way?” Darling nodded. “I thought so.” Marian opened her bag and pulled out a bow. “Have you ever used one of these?”

  “No.”