Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

“I get why you didn’t want to stay with me, and I respect that. If and when you’re ready, I will be too. But we have more than just a sexual relationship. I care about you and I know you care about me. All I ask is that you talk to me, tell me how you’re feeling. I felt like you shut me out at one of the most important times in your life and it felt really crappy.”

  Alex cupped Frank’s cheek and looked into her eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby. I promise to be more open and honest about how I feel and what I need.”

  “Okay then. That’s all I ask.”

  “Are we okay?”

  “We’re better than okay. We’ll get through this together and we’ll come out on top.”

  They kissed to seal the deal. A soft, slow kiss—a kiss of promises made and promises to come.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Frank went with Alex to her doctor’s appointment when she had her bandages removed but respectfully remained in the waiting room with Bruce and Kathleen. Frank attempted to look through a magazine, but all she could think about was Alex. Alex had been quiet during the drive to the doctor’s office. They sat in the backseat of Kathleen’s sedan and Frank asked Alex if she was all right.

  “I’m nervous to see the scar, to see my chest.”

  “I don’t understand, Alex. Haven’t you seen it when you did the dressing changes?”

  “No. I let my mom change the bandage and I would close my eyes. I haven’t seen it.”

  “Oh, baby. Do you want me to go into the exam room with you? I’ll hold your hand if you’d like.”

  Alex shook her head. “I’m not ready for you to see it. I need to be comfortable with it before I want you to see it. I hope you understand.”

  Frank nodded. “Of course, baby. I’ll stay in the waiting room with your folks.”

  Frank continued to switch between flipping through the magazine and looking at the clock on the wall. When Alex emerged with her eyes red and swollen, they took her home and gave her the time she needed to grieve. She had barely eaten her lunch, more or less just pushing her food around her plate. Alex had remained quiet and subdued, and Frank just remained close by, allowing Alex to explore her feelings. She knew Alex would have a difficult time coming to terms with losing her breast, but she fervently hoped that she would come to accept her new body and be grateful she was alive.

  Alex stood from the table. “I’m going to my room. I’m tired and want to lie down.”

  Frank looked at her hopefully. “Do you want company?”

  “I don’t really feel like talking, honey.”

  “You don’t have to talk. I can just be with you and hold your hand.”

  Alex seemed to think for a moment, then gave a slight smile. “Sure. I’d like that.”

  Frank stood and looked at Bruce and Kathleen, almost silently asking their permission to accompany their daughter to her bedroom. They gave a slight nod, and Frank felt some of the tension drain from her shoulders. She followed Alex to her room and shut the door. Frank stood by the bed as Alex lay down, unsure if she should join her or sit in a chair. Her question was answered when Alex asked her to lie next to her. Frank kicked off her shoes and took her place next to Alex. Frank always wanted her place to be next to her. They were lying side by side when Alex reached for Frank’s hand and laced their fingers together. They remained that way for a while until Frank heard Alex sob. She turned on her side to face Alex and ran her fingers through Alex’s hair. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t think Alex would welcome any words. Frank instinctively felt that Alex would appreciate her silent offer of support more than anything she might say.

  When Alex’s tears slowed to a trickle, she looked at Frank and whispered, “I saw my scar today.”

  Frank remained silent.

  “It looks awful. Red. Angry. I have no nipple. No areola. No breast. It’s all gone, Frank, and replaced by a hideous scar.”

  Alex began crying again, and all Frank could do was kiss Alex’s forehead, letting her lips linger on her skin. She hadn’t felt this helpless since Toni died. She wanted to take Alex’s pain away, to take the cancer away and restore Alex to her old self. But that was impossible. She could only help Alex discover her new self. Encourage her. Support her. But she had to wait for Alex to be ready to take that step. All she could do was hope that Alex would someday be receptive to her change.

  They spent the next few hours holding hands, sleeping, and crying off and on. Frank realized how late it was, and she needed to get home and get some sleep. She had early shift tomorrow, which would come too quickly. She hated to wake Alex but didn’t want her to wake up alone. She squeezed Alex’s hand and spoke her name.

  “Hmm?”

  “I gotta go, baby. I have to work tomorrow.”

  Alex nodded and said sleepily, “Okay. Will you call me?”

  Frank turned and kissed her. “Of course. Get some rest. I love you.”

  Alex closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep again. Frank grabbed her shoes and walked out to the living room, surprised to see Kathleen sitting on the couch staring at the television. The volume was so low Frank doubted Kathleen could even hear it. But she had a feeling she really wasn’t watching it. Frank sat at the other end of the sofa and put on her shoes.

  “How is she doing?”

  “She said she saw her scar today for the first time.”

  Kathleen nodded in understanding. “I’ve been changing her bandages and she would keep her eyes closed the whole time. I’m surprised she chose today to see it for the first time.” She covered her eyes as she started to cry. “I can’t believe my little girl is going through this. Why her?”

  Frank slid across the couch and gathered Kathleen in her arms. Her heart broke for Kathleen as she held her. How unfair for all of them to go through this—for anyone really. “I know. But you raised a strong woman, and she’ll eventually be all right. It’ll take a while, but it will happen. We just need to give her our love and support.”

  Kathleen leaned back and looked into Frank’s eyes. “You really love her, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I really do.”

  “I’m really glad she found you, Frank. You’re a wonderful person and I’m so grateful you’ve come into our lives.”

  Frank could feel the sting of tears in her eyes and blinked them back. “I’m the lucky one.” She kissed Kathleen on the cheek and stood. “Get some rest and I’ll see you all later.”

  Kathleen followed Frank to the door and she heard the click of the lock behind her. She was able to fend off the tears that had been threatening to fall the whole day. As soon as she pulled into her driveway, the tears started to fall. She slammed her hand against the steering wheel again and again at the injustice of it all. Frank hated feeling impotent, not being able to take this pain away from the Taylors. She remembered feeling the exact same way as she watched her sister wither away in front of her. There wasn’t a fucking thing she could do about it.

  Frank entered her empty house, and it felt strange to not have Bella greet her at the door. Julie had come to the house earlier in the day to pick up Bella and have her for a sleepover. She navigated the darkness until she found her way into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. Staring at the three bottles of beer Alex had left there weeks ago, Frank blinked and pulled one from the shelf. She popped the top off and gulped the entire contents down in record time. She pulled out a second bottle, intent on taking her time with this one. She went into the living room and sat on the couch. She couldn’t get Alex out of her thoughts, the vacant sound of her voice as she described what she saw when her bandages were removed. Frank took a couple of gulps of the carbonated liquid and thought about Kathleen, about the pain she was experiencing that was so plain to see as she watched her daughter fight this disease. A couple of more gulps and she thought about Bruce and the look of helplessness he displayed when he looked at his little girl.

  Frank finished off the rest of the beer and contemplated going to get a third but quickly decided against it. She
wasn’t going to use alcohol to numb her pain or help her forget the tormented look on Alex’s face. She left the empty bottle on the coffee table and dragged her tired body off to bed. She prayed for a peaceful sleep but had a feeling it would be filled with visions of Alex’s tears.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Alex had an appointment with the medical oncologist to discuss her different therapies, and she asked Frank to go with her. She’d had just about enough of these fucking doctor’s appointments. Despite her frustration, she was grateful to have such a wonderful support system. Alex and Frank were called back to meet with the doctor, and again, they found themselves sitting across from the doctor, separated by a large desk.

  “So, Alex and Frank, Dr. Moreno feels like she got all the cancer during your surgery, but we still want to do chemo to make sure we get rid of any cancer cells that might have been left behind.”

  “But Dr. Moreno said it hadn’t spread to the lymph nodes,” Frank pointed out.

  “That’s true, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t other cancer cells in Alex’s body. Now, Alex, because you’re premenopausal and have an invasive breast cancer, we want to be more aggressive in your treatment because premenopausal cancer tends to be more aggressive.”

  Alex took in everything the doctor was saying and was also aware of the increasing pressure Frank was applying to her hand. Frank’s anxiety was coming through loud and clear to Alex’s fingers.

  “I want to warn you of some of the side effects you could experience. Nausea, hair loss, fatigue, and a decreased immune system are the most common. Because you’re an ER nurse, if you want to go back to work while you’re receiving chemo, I’d recommend you wear a mask at all times.”

  Alex guffawed. “Because breast cancer hasn’t been enough, right? Now I have to worry about a common cold or the flu? Christ.” Alex ran her fingers through her hair—hair that she would soon lose.

  After a few more questions and answers, Alex and Frank left the office and headed back to Alex’s home. Alex changed into an old pair of scrubs while Frank made them lunch. They sat at the table and ate their sandwiches while they discussed the treatment.

  “Let me know what time your appointment is for the first chemo so I can get that time off from work. Um, that is, if you want me to go with you.”

  Frank had been so understanding about Alex’s needs. She’d given Alex time alone when she asked for it, held her hand, wiped her tears, and made her laugh. Alex had been doing her best at letting Frank know what she needed and keeping the lines of communication open. Alex reached across the table and held Frank’s hand. “I appreciate that, baby, but would you mind if my mom took me the first time? I’m not sure what it is, but it’s like when I’m sick I just want my mom. I revert back to being a three-year-old.”

  An understanding look came across Frank’s face. “I get it, honey. I would like to go eventually, but I understand about your first treatment.” Alex couldn’t have dreamt up a better girlfriend, and she hoped she wouldn’t do anything more to drive Frank away.

  *

  Alex and her mother walked through the heavy wood door and up to the counter where they were greeted by a kind-looking woman who appeared to be a little older than Frank.

  “Hello. How can I help you?”

  Alex was glad the woman didn’t say “good morning” because in her opinion, it wasn’t good at all. “I’m Alex Taylor, and this is my mom, Kathleen. I’m starting chemo today.” Alex didn’t detect any sympathy from this woman, and for that she was grateful. She didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for her.

  “Yes, Ms. Taylor. I just need you to fill out a few forms and the nurse will take you back shortly.”

  It didn’t take Alex long to skim through the forms and sign them. They were pretty standard for any medical facility—the notice of privacy practices, arbitration, consent to medical and surgical procedures. Alex took a moment to look around. There were only two other people in the waiting room, a man and woman, probably husband and wife. The woman wore a bandana on her bald head, and Alex could feel the sting of tears in her eyes but was able to blink them back. It wouldn’t be long before she too would be wearing a cover on her head.

  The other couple was called back and Alex looked around the room. It was painted in calming sage green and beige, and it almost made her feel like she was in a quiet room at a spa. There were framed prints of different flowers in vases hanging on the walls to add splashes of color. Maybe next time she would have a greater appreciation for the comfort the decorator tried to instill. But all she could really focus on was the trembling of her insides. Alex wanted to retreat out the door. She didn’t want to puke. She didn’t want to lose her hair. Wasn’t it enough she lost her breast? Now she would lose her hair? And maybe get sicker? What the hell kind of shit was this? She felt a hand on her arm, and she looked to her mom, who had an almost serene look on her face.

  “I know, baby. But it will be over soon, and your hair will grow back. You will feel strong again.”

  Alex opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t think of anything to say. How did her mom do that? Like she could read her mind? Any further thoughts were put on hold when the door opened and a tall woman with cute, short dark hair stood in the doorway smiling.

  “Ms. Taylor?”

  “Alex. And this is my mom, Kathleen.” They approached the woman, who held her hand out to shake theirs.

  “I’m Christine, and I’ll be your nurse today. Come with me, please.”

  Alex immediately liked her. She couldn’t put her finger on why, but she reminded her a little of Frank, only softer. Maybe more like Toni if she’d had short hair. She had an air of confidence about her that made Alex believe she’d be in good hands. It reminded her of the kind of confidence she tried to show her patients—people who were sick or injured and afraid. Alex would do her best to make them feel like she and her colleagues would take care of everything and they would be okay.

  Christine led Alex and her mother into a private room where she took Alex’s vital signs and recorded her weight and height for appropriate medication dosage. She then led them into a communal area with semi-private stations. Alex sat in a recliner while her mom sat in a chair next to her. Christine expertly inserted an IV line into Alex’s arm.

  “I’m going to draw some blood so we have a baseline count, then we’ll begin the treatment.”

  Once Christine returned from the lab, she prepared the syringes with the medicines Alex would be receiving. Her doctor had explained to them that using one drug wouldn’t be effective—that it was necessary to use multiple drugs that would damage the cancer cells and interfere with the growth and division of those cells. She had been given a prescription for a medication in pill form that she would have to take for five years since her cancer was hormone-receptor positive. She was set to start that when chemo ended. In the meantime, she would be receiving chemo every two weeks for the next sixteen weeks.

  When Christine finished drawing the medications, she spoke to Alex and her mother. “You won’t feel any pain with this, Alex, but it might feel cold for a few seconds. I can get you a blanket if you’d like.”

  Alex leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and took in a deep breath. She shook her head. “No, that’s okay.”

  “If you change your mind, let me know. I’m going to begin now unless you have any questions.”

  “No, I’m ready.” She held her mom’s hand as she continued to take deep breaths in and slowly letting them out. She did her best to remain calm as the first icy jolt hit her veins. She had to remember what the doctor said. The chemo would ensure unlikely recurrence. Alex envisioned her and Frank in the park, her head in Frank’s lap with the sun beating down on them, warming her, as Frank slowly ran her fingers through Alex’s hair. This was her happy place. She could hear the birds sing and could see Jordan and Kirsten chasing after Aiden as he toddled along, Bella running after them. This would be the place she would visit during every treatment. She felt a gri
n tug at the corners of her mouth. She opened her eyes to see her mother and Christine looking at her.

  “What?”

  Her mother smiled. “You looked pretty peaceful just then.”

  “I was. I imagined me and Frank lying in a park with the sun shining down on us.”

  “Is Frank your boyfriend?” Christine asked as she started to inject the next vial.

  “No, she’s my girlfriend. Frank is short for Francesca.”

  Christine laughed. “Oh, that’s great. Have you been together long?”

  Alex thought about it. “You know, I’m not sure how long we’ve been together. Maybe about four or five months or so, but at times it seems longer, like forever.”

  “How’s she handling your diagnosis?”

  “She’s been great despite my trying to push her away.”

  Christine grabbed the next vial and slowly pushed the plunger. “Why would you do that?”

  “Her twin died from breast cancer a few years ago, and I was trying to spare her the pain of going through this again.”

  Christine glanced at Alex. “I’m assuming she stayed strong.”

  Alex chuckled. “Oh, yes. She’s been my rock and hasn’t let me get away with much. She’ll be coming with me sometimes, but today I just wanted my mom with me.”

  Her mother smiled fondly at Alex and squeezed her hand.

  Christine withdrew the final syringe. “Well, you’re very lucky to have such wonderful women in your life. That’s it for the medicine, Alex. I just need to take out your IV and check your vitals.” Christine took her blood pressure and heart rate and entered them into her tablet. “I’m sure your doctor went over this with you, but I want to remind you that you’ll probably be tired and might have some nausea. Try and get some rest. Those symptoms usually don’t last for more than a day or two. We’ll see you in two weeks.”

  Alex stood with her mother. “Thank you, Christine. You made this first treatment not horrible.”