Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

  Christine rested her hand on Alex’s shoulder. “I’m glad. Take care and I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

  They left the center and Alex lifted her face to the sun. The first treatment wasn’t as bad as she imagined it to be, and that probably had a lot to do with the pleasantness of Christine. Alex knew she’d probably feel worse tomorrow, but at least now she knew what to expect the next time.

  *

  A week after her second chemo session, Alex noticed more of her hair than usual sitting on the drain as she turned off the shower. She picked up the wet, chestnut strands and felt a knot in her stomach as she realized it was beginning. She was starting to lose her hair. She knew it would happen, but it still didn’t prepare her to see the thinning out. She ran her fingers through her hair and pulled more clumps out of her head. She slid down the wet tile wall until she was sitting with her knees pulled to her chest. Alex rocked herself slightly in a futile effort to comfort herself. She startled at the knock on her bathroom door.

  “Baby, I wanted you to know I’m here. I let myself in.”

  Shit. Alex forgot Frank was coming over to have lunch. She didn’t want Frank to see her this way, her scar, her clumps of hair in her hand. “Go away, Frank. I don’t feel like eating lunch right now.”

  “Alex, what’s wrong? What happened?”

  “My fucking hair is falling out! That’s what happened.”

  “I’m coming in.”

  “No! I don’t want you to see me like this. Just leave.”

  “Look, you either come out here, or I’m coming in. What’s it going to be?”

  Why did Frank have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t she just leave her alone? Alex knew it was because Frank loved her and cared about her, but she just didn’t want to deal with it right now. She took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, trying to tamp down her irritation.

  “Fine, I’ll come out. Just give me a few minutes.” Alex stepped out of the shower and toweled herself dry. She put on her bra and slid her prosthesis into place. She had started getting her expander filled, but until she was back to her regular C cup, she would wear the prosthesis. She pulled her thick terrycloth robe off the hook and wrapped it tightly around her. She opened the door to find Frank pacing alongside Alex’s bed. She stopped and looked at Alex when the door opened. Frank stood frozen, and Alex could tell Frank wasn’t sure if she was welcome or not. To ease Frank’s fears, and comfort herself, she slid her arms around Frank’s waist, and rested her cheek against Frank’s chest. The strength and surety of Frank’s arms enfolding her eased some of her anguish.

  “I’m sorry, baby.”

  Alex felt Frank kiss the top of her head and her hands caress her back.

  “What can I do?”

  “I want you to shave my head.”

  Alex looked into Frank’s eyes when Frank didn’t answer.

  “Are you sure?”

  “My hair’s starting to fall out, so we may as well jump right in. But do me a favor and call Jordan. I want her and Kirsten here when we do this.”

  “Of course. I’ll give you some privacy to get dressed and I’ll meet you in the living room.”

  Frank shut the door behind her and pulled her cell phone from her pocket with a shaking hand. She blinked away her tears and took deep breaths. They knew this would happen eventually, but Frank didn’t think it would affect her like this. She pulled up Jordan’s contact information and dialed her number.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Jordan, it’s Frank.”

  “What’s going on, buddy?”

  Frank took another deep breath before answering. “Alex is starting to lose her hair and she wants me to shave it for her today, but she wants you and Kirsten here.”

  “Oh, man, okay. Kirsten is out hiking with Brenda, but I’m expecting her back anytime now. Do you need us to bring anything? Lunch?”

  “I came over to have lunch with her, so I’ll make us all some sandwiches. Um, I think we need some hair clippers, though.”

  “Okay, we’ll take care of that. How’s she doing?”

  “I’m not sure, honestly. She tried to kick me out when I knocked on her bathroom door to let her know I was here, but then after I told her I wasn’t leaving, she came out, hugged me, and asked me to shave her head. I can’t even begin to imagine how she’s feeling right now.”

  “And how about you? How are you holding up?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Uh-huh. Tell me how you really are.”

  Frank ran her hand through her hair, then wiped away an errant tear. “It’s hard, to be honest, seeing her go through this and not being able to do anything about it. But I’m trying to stay strong.”

  “I’m sure you are, buddy, but you don’t have to be strong all the time. You can talk to me anytime.”

  “I appreciate it, but I’m hanging in there. Really.”

  “All right. But it’s an open offer, Frank. Hey, Kirsten and Brenda just got here, so we’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “See you soon, J.”

  Frank turned to see Alex walk into the room dressed in jeans, a worn T-shirt, and a baseball cap. Alex came over to Frank and hugged her, laying her head on Frank’s chest.

  “I talked to Jordan, and Kirsten and Brenda just got back from hiking. They’re going to stop and get some clippers then they’ll be over. I told her I’d make us all lunch.”

  “I’ve lost my appetite. I don’t want anything.”

  “I’m sure you don’t, Alex, but you need to keep up your strength. How about I just make you some soup? Do you think you could eat that?”

  Alex shrugged. “I guess so.”

  “That’s my girl.” Frank lifted Alex’s chin to place a gentle kiss on her lips. “Let’s go into the kitchen so I can start making lunch.”

  Frank set about making sandwiches and heating up soup. By the time she finished, Jordan and Kirsten had arrived. After they hugged each other, they sat at the table to eat. Kirsten handed Alex a gift bag and Alex looked at her questioningly.

  “You know how much I love to shop,” Kirsten said. “I saw these and I thought they’d look great on you.”

  Alex pulled three silk bandanas out, all in different colors and patterns. “They’re beautiful, Kirsten.”

  “I’m glad you like them. I thought these could get you started for the days you don’t want to wear a wig.”

  Alex leaned over and hugged Kirsten. “I love them, and I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Jordan cleared her throat. “Okay, enough of the mushies. Let’s eat.”

  As they began to dig into their lunch, Jordan smiled. “Alex, your godson is starting to get into all kinds of mischief. He’s obviously not listening to his moms, so I think you need to talk some sense into him.”

  Alex laughed. “I don’t believe for one second our boy is capable of what you call mischief. What has he supposedly done?”

  Jordan looked to Kirsten, who said, “Go ahead. You started it.”

  Jordan hung her head. “Well, I bought him some finger paints and large sheets of paper to paint. He thinks the colors of the paint look much better on his bedroom walls…and his body.”

  Alex covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, no. His cute little body too?”

  Kirsten nodded. “Let me tell you, it is not easy to wash finger paints off a protesting little boy.” She looked over to Jordan. “Now tell her what your son did when we had company over for dinner.”

  Jordan chuckled. “We had Brenda and her new girlfriend over for dinner last weekend, and we thought Aiden was playing with his blocks in the living room while we cleared the table and started dishes. Turns out he went number two in his diaper, and apparently he was so proud, he took off his diaper and brought it to Brenda to show her.”

  Frank and Alex shook with laughter and soon had tears rolling down their faces.

  “What happened?”

  Kirsten replied between giggles. “Brenda told him what a big boy
he was, then took him to his room to clean him up and put on a fresh diaper.”

  Alex put her hand over her heart. “Oh, my goodness. He’s growing up so fast.”

  “That he is,” Jordan said. “And as soon as you’re up for it, he told us he wants to go to the park again with you, Frank, and Bella. He also told us that he thinks Kirsten and I deserve some time alone, so the sooner you could take him, the better.”

  Frank arched an eyebrow. “He said all that, did he?”

  Jordan grinned. “Well, maybe not verbally, but I know how my son thinks.” She winked at Alex.

  “You tell that little monkey we’ll be by soon to rescue him from his crazy mothers.” Alex smiled. “Okay, let’s get this show on the road.”

  Jordan grabbed Alex’s hand. “You sure you’re ready?”

  Alex nodded. “It’s inevitable, J. My hair has started to fall out, so it’s time for all of it to go. It’ll be one less thing I have to worry about.”

  Frank stood from the table. “I’ll go put on some music while you guys get ready.”

  Kirsten followed Frank into the living room, and Frank felt her hands on her shoulders as she was looking through Alex’s music selection.

  “Are you okay with this, Frank?”

  Frank didn’t turn around, not wanting Kirsten to see the unshed tears in her eyes, and waved her hand dismissively. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s what Alex wants.”

  Frank felt Kirsten’s hands caress her shoulders and felt the comfort Kirsten was bestowing.

  “I know this has been hard for both of you, but Jordan and I really appreciate how much you’re doing for her. It must bring up a lot of sorrow for you, what you went through with your sister.”

  Frank wiped her eyes and turned to face Kirsten and was enveloped in Kirsten’s hug. All she could do was nod in agreement. Frank took in a deep breath, trying to calm her emotions. “It has, but it’s not the same, you know? Toni didn’t find out until it was too late. Alex was diagnosed early, and once she’s done with treatment, she’ll feel better. She’ll be better.” She gave Kirsten a watery smile. “Now how about we pick out some upbeat music?”

  Kirsten nodded and selected a CD. “Here we go. This one is her favorite.” Kirsten put the disc in the player, pushed the play button, and turned up the volume. She began to dance and took Frank’s hand, twirling herself under Frank’s arm, making Frank laugh. Kirsten kissed Frank on the cheek. “Let’s go.”

  They danced their way back to the table and faced their chairs toward the kitchen where Alex sat facing them with a towel draped across her shoulders. Jordan had used scissors to cut more than half of Alex’s hair off. Frank looked down to see Alex’s hair scattered on the floor, then looked up and locked eyes on Alex’s questioning ones. She grinned and nodded, and was rewarded with Alex’s smile.

  Once Jordan finished cutting the hair, she placed the scissors on the counter and picked up the clippers. There was a long silence, and Frank saw the trepidation on Jordan’s face. She hadn’t really given much thought to what Jordan must be going through, seeing Alex go through this fight. Frank felt incredibly selfish, only worried what she and Alex were feeling. Jordan and Alex had been friends since their freshman year in college, and Jordan had been a part of Alex’s family for almost fifteen years. Her heart had to have been hurting to see her best friend, the godmother of her son, go through this. Frank started to stand when Jordan began to cry, but was restrained by a soft hand on her arm. She looked to Kirsten, who barely shook her head. Frank looked at Alex pleadingly.

  Alex stood and faced Jordan, who now covered her face with her free hand. Alex pulled Jordan’s hand away. “Hey, tough girl. You have to finish the job.”

  Jordan continued to cry. “I can’t, Al.”

  It amazed Frank to see how strong Alex stood in front of Jordan. Frank’s heart swelled as she watched Alex kiss her chastely on the lips.

  “Come on, J. I want you to do this for me. It’s really all right. Please.” Alex cuffed the back of Jordan’s head. “You owe me.”

  Jordan rubbed the mark where Alex hit her and barked out a laugh. “I owe you? How do you figure?”

  Alex cupped Jordan’s cheek. “I had to live through seven years of you sulking after you and Kelly broke up. And if you don’t remember, it was me that gave you the kick in the ass to give Kirsten a chance. How did that work out for you?”

  Jordan smiled. “I guess it went okay.”

  Kirsten cleared her throat. “Excuse me? Just okay?”

  They all laughed and Jordan blushed. “Okay, Al, I owe you. Now sit your skinny ass back down in the chair so I can finish paying off my debt.”

  Alex sat back down and winked at Frank and Kirsten. “That’s what I thought.”

  It only took ten more minutes for Jordan to shave the rest of Alex’s hair off. Frank looked to Alex, and she felt her heart race, threatening to explode out of her chest. She was so damned proud of her. There she sat before them, bald and beautiful, with a determined look on her face. Frank stood and walked to Alex, cupped her face, and kissed her tenderly.

  “You are so beautiful.”

  Alex looked down, seemingly embarrassed, but Frank put her finger under her chin and guided her head up so she could look into Alex’s warm brown eyes.

  “You’re the most beautiful, strongest, most amazing woman I have ever known, and I will keep telling you until you believe me.”

  Frank kissed her again, then stepped back to look at Jordan. “My turn.”

  “What?” all three of them asked.

  Frank smiled and pulled her shoulders back. “I said it’s my turn. I don’t think I’ll look as good as Alex bald, but I’ll take a buzz cut.” Frank ran her hand over her inch-and-a-half-long hair. “It’s time for a cut anyway.”

  Alex stood before Frank and held her hands. “Baby, you don’t have to do this.”

  Frank squeezed Alex’s hands and smiled. “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I’m so damned proud of you, and I want to show my support for you.”

  Alex threw her arms around Frank’s neck and pulled her close, then whispered in her ear, “Thank you. For everything.”

  Frank squeezed Alex close, then let go and looked into her eyes. “No thanks needed, love. You’d do the same for me.”

  Alex nodded then kissed Frank until her knees nearly buckled.

  “You heard the sarge, Jordan. Give her what she wants.”

  Alex took Frank’s vacated chair next to Kirsten and held her hand as Jordan attached the number four guard to the clippers. Frank tuned out the sound of the buzz as she kept her eyes locked on Alex. They shared a knowing grin as Jordan ran the clippers through Frank’s hair. Frank hadn’t planned on buzzing her hair, but Alex had shown such courage through her fight so far that Frank felt like this was a good way to show her solidarity. She really wanted Alex to feel that she was in this with her, in sickness and in health.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Alex was a little more than halfway through her chemo regimen and becoming more agitated as the weeks went on. She was tired of the nausea, the fatigue, the looks of pity in strangers’ eyes whenever she went out in public. Even when she wore her wig it didn’t look or feel right to her, so she normally just wore one of the bandanas Kirsten gave her. She woke up full of piss and vinegar, knowing what she had to go through after she received her chemo later that morning.

  She cried as she showered, letting the tears mix with the water and flow down the drain. She moved slowly as she dressed and wrapped her bandana around her bald head. There were times, like today, when she just wanted to fuck it all and quit her treatment, but she knew what the consequences would be if she did. Alex knew the chance of recurrence was greater if she didn’t complete her treatment. So she continued like a soldier marching to battle. She managed to eat a piece of dry toast for breakfast even though she knew it would be coming back up later. She hadn’t made it through a single chemo session where she didn’t violently vomit later that day. Her bod
y even had the nerve to gain weight despite her lack of appetite. She used to love to eat; she loved the taste of food. Now she ate to survive. Her clothes no longer fit her or showed her curves. Hell, she no longer had curves. She felt fat and frumpy and unattractive. She couldn’t believe Frank still wanted to be with her.

  The knock on her front door indicated Frank had arrived at take her to her appointment. They had been getting along so well, and Frank was being very patient with her. Alex hadn’t wanted much intimacy, but Frank seemed to understand and accept it. When Alex answered the door, Frank leaned in to kiss her hello, but Alex turned her cheek at the last second. With the mood she was in, Alex would have to try hard to even be cordial.

  “Let me grab my purse and we can go.”

  Alex saw the hurt in Frank’s eyes, and she felt bad for reacting the way she did, but she just couldn’t seem to help herself with the way she was feeling. Before she was diagnosed, she was happy, playful, positive, and sexual. She now felt none of those most of the time. Yes, she was grateful to be alive because as she saw firsthand in the ER, there was always someone worse off. But every now and then, she couldn’t shake her funk and tended to take it out on those closest to her. Unfortunately for Frank, she was now in the line of fire.

  She attempted to make amends once they were in Frank’s truck by reaching across the center console and holding Frank’s hand.

  “So, tell me about this place. Are the people nice?”

  “Yeah, they’ve all been pleasant and attentive. Christine, the nurse I’ve been working with, reminds me a little of how I imagine Toni would be. She’s been asking when you’d be coming with me.”

  “Did you tell her I’ve been wanting to but you wouldn’t let me?”

  Frank’s attempt at humor didn’t reach Alex, and it just made her more agitated. She silently counted to ten to calm herself down. When she felt more at ease, she looked over at Frank and saw her staring straight ahead. She had a contemplative look on her face.

  “What are you thinking about?” Alex asked as she rubbed Frank’s hand with her thumb.