Defend

by Lindsay Paige

  Jamie takes a deep breath. “Okay, now I’m nervous.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not going to make you be there when I tell her to start with.” That way if she freaks as much as Gregory seems to think she will, Jamie won’t be subjected to it. I’m also hoping it’ll be easier for her to accept the news without having Jamie right there.

  “If that’s what you want to do and if you think it’s best, then it sounds good to me.”

  We fall into silence and soon make small talk on the way to the restaurant. After we’ve ordered, though, Jamie decides today is the day to grill me.

  “Did you work as much as you do now while you were married?” she flat-out asks.

  “Not quite as much, no.”

  “Then why do you continue to work like you do when it seems as if everyone is concerned? Even when I tried to spend time with you instead of going back to campus, you decided to go work instead of us hanging out at your house. I’m a little worried about you at this point.”

  “I like to work.” That’s a good standard response.

  Except she doesn’t accept it. “I like to work too, but I won’t work as much as possible. I like my down time, too. What’s really the problem, Brent? Come on. Tell me.” I open my mouth to say whatever I can think of to shut this down, but she says, “I’m stubborn, too, and I plan to keep asking until you give me a real answer. Make this easier on both of us and be real with me.”

  I grumble under my breath about how ridiculous this is, but she waits with patience and I sigh. “It’s stupid and quite frankly, a bit embarrassing.”

  “I promise not to tell anyone.”

  It’d make me feel better if I didn’t have to tell her in the first place. The waitress buys me a little time by dropping off our meals, but Jamie keeps her expectant gaze on me. “I’ve never lived alone. I grew up with my parents and moved right in with Shannon soon after graduation. And then, all of a sudden, I’m in another big house all by myself, lonely and bored to death. At least if I’m at the shop, I can stay busy and accomplish something. It just became a habit after awhile. There, now you have it.” I breathe hard in relief and lean back in my chair, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

  “That’s not stupid or embarrassing. It makes sense that you’d feel that way, Brent,” Jamie tells me, her voice soft and sweet. “You need to learn the art of doing nothing and enjoying it.” She smiles. “I can teach you.” I must not look so convinced because she adds, “I mean, do you want people to keep harping on you about it? And wouldn’t you rather I fall asleep at your house, maybe in your bed,” she wiggles her eyebrows with a little laugh, “than at the shop?”

  She definitely has a point there. Not to mention, it wasn’t all that comfortable with both of us sleeping on the couch.

  “Okay, you win. For everyone’s sake—”

  Jamie shakes her head and interrupts me. “It’s ultimately for your sake, Brent.”

  “For everyone’s sake, including mine,” I amend, “I’ll work less.” What’s sad is this will probably be harder on me than my divorce was. “Did you have a better day today?” I’ve been meaning to ask since I picked her up, but she’s successfully kept the conversation away from her.

  “Oh, yeah,” she answers easily. “I was just overthinking things. No need to rehash it, though.”

  It’s tempting to push her like I’ve been pushed tonight, but I decide not to. We finish our meals in silence, I pay the bill, and we’re back in the truck.

  “Let’s go to your house for a bit,” Jamie says before I can drive in the direction of campus.

  “All right.” I let my arm rest diagonally on the center console with my hand hanging over the edge. My fingers move nonsensically over Jamie’s thigh in an almost automatic way. Her dress is much softer than I thought it would be. Part of me wonders when we’ll further things physically, but then again, I try not to rush that for two reasons. One, the longer, the better before jumping into bed with someone. Shouldn’t you learn more about a person before you see them naked and be intimate with them? But also, I don’t want to be a hypocrite to my kids. We’ve taught them to wait as long as possible before sleeping with someone. It has always seemed like solid advice to make sure you’re comfortable and you should be sure you really want to do it before sleeping with someone.

  But what do I know? I’ve only been with one woman my entire life and it’s been a long time since I was with her.

  And I have a feeling, if things continue to go well, Jamie could be the second woman. The last thing I want to do is think too much about that, though. Things have a way of naturally progressing and that’s the way I prefer it. Any and all images of Jamie slipping out of her dress need to leave my mind right now.

  “What are you thinking about?” Jamie asks, seeming to scrutinize me from the passenger seat while I turn down the road I live on.

  “Nothing.”

  “You seem to be thinking pretty hard about something.”

  “I’m thinking about what I’m going to do with my future free time since I’ll be working less.” Not true that I was thinking about it, but I will have more free time if I follow through on what I said earlier.

  “You’ll find plenty of things.”

  I put the truck in park, now in my driveway, and turn it off. After walking around and opening the door for Jamie, I take her hand in mine and we walk to the front door.

  “I really like spending time with you, you know,” she admits softly, throwing a quick glance my way.

  I flash a smile before unlocking the door. “I’m glad to hear that because I feel the same.”

  Once inside, she pulls me into the living room. Jamie sits on the couch, makes me sit next to her, and she takes her shoes off. “Time to show you one thing to do with your free time. Where’s the remote?” she asks as she grabs the blanket from the back of the couch.

  I grab the remote off the coffee table before slouching into the couch. Jamie rests her legs across my lap, crossing them at the ankle, and throws the blanket over us. She leans against me with her head on my shoulder.

  “Now, all you have to do is either sit here in quiet peace or watch TV.” As an afterthought, she adds, “I know I’m comfortable, but are you comfortable? That’s rule number one.”

  I laugh. “I’m comfortable.” I turn on the TV and scroll through the channels until Jamie snatches the remote away and settles on something to watch.

  “Rule number two,” she says, “don’t take more than two minutes to pick something to watch. You’re supposed to relax, not waste time channel surfing.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She chuckles and then we’re quiet. I focus on the show for as long as I can before I’m over it. I switch to focusing on Jamie. Her body is warm against mine. One of my hands glides up and down her leg from mid-thigh to her ankle. That works for a while, but the urge to get up and do something is still there. I can think of ten different things I could be doing at the shop. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely am enjoying my time with Jamie, but we aren’t actually doing anything right now.

  “Jamie?”

  She lifts her head to look at me. “Yeah?”

  “This sucks.”

  She laughs. “Cuddling up on the couch with me sucks?”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I immediately try to explain, causing Jamie to laugh again.

  “Well, you can’t say you’re lonely because I’m here, which means you’re bored. I’m offended.” Her smile says she’s teasing. “It’s an adjustment you aren’t used to. You need more of a distraction.” She leans forward and kisses me.

  Making out is definitely one way to distract me and it’s quite effective. My hand settles on her knee; she has one on my chest. It’s a slow, leisurely kiss with no expectations. I itch to pull her closer, hold her tighter, but she seems content with leaning into me. It still amazes me how right and good it is to kiss her. How I so quickly want to take things further and how I must resist doing so. Nothing in life has felt q
uite as perfect and fulfilling as being with Jamie, even if I did get bored watching TV with her.

  We kiss for a long time before Jamie pulls away with swollen lips. “I think we should officially end our date now.”

  “You don’t want to stay a little while longer?” I don’t want to take her back just yet. “You can control the TV.”

  She chuckles. “I already do. I picked the show, remember?” That is true. She rests her head on my shoulder and whispers, “Just a little while longer, Brent.”

  I rest my head on the back of the couch and soon, my eyes droop closed.

  “Brent.” There’s a light shaking of my shoulder and I open my eyes as I rouse awake. “We really have to stop sleeping on couches.”

  “I agree.” A quick glance at my phone shows I should probably get ready for work. However, I’m pretty sure Jamie has an early class this morning. “We should get you back to campus.”

  She waves me off. “There’s no sense in you taking me to campus when it’s out of the way, especially if you’re planning to do it before you get ready for work.” I open my mouth to object, but she cuts me off. “I’ll be fine, Brent. I can find my own way back and be on time for class. Otherwise, I won’t let you take me until you’re leaving for work and then I’ll miss my class, which is perfectly okay with me, but something tells me you wouldn’t want me to miss class either. Pick the lesser evil. Someone picking me up or me missing class.”

  I shake my head a little in wonder. “And you say I’m bossy. You decide what you want to do, and that’ll work for me. I’m hopping in the shower.” I kiss her cheek as her legs slide off my lap and then head upstairs. Before I can get too far, her phone rings and I hear her groan. My feet stop on the second step. I glance back to see her hunch over with her head resting in her hand.

  “Morning, Mother.” She’s quiet for a moment. “Why did you go and do that? I told you I was fine. I don’t need to talk to anyone about this. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you think I do. Cancel the appointment because I’m not going. You need to trust me on this because I am fine.”

  At this point, it’s uncomfortable to listen and I don’t feel great about the fact that I am when she definitely hasn’t realized it, so I quietly escape upstairs. Whatever happened the other night when I surprised her at work, when we ultimately ended up at the shop, has stayed in the back of my mind. Is whatever was bothering her then the same reason her mother’s calling? Do I make another attempt at getting her to talk about it?

  When I return downstairs after having made my decision, it turns out it’s pointless. Jamie chose to have someone to pick her up because she’s gone with only a quickly written note that she’ll see me Saturday left behind.

  For three days, all I can think about is how my reassurances to my mother about how I’m fine apparently caused her to worry more than if I had broken down in tears, because she set up an appointment with the therapist I first saw after I learned of my condition. That last time when I was at Brent’s and I said I was fine, I meant it and it was true.

  Mother doesn’t believe me, however, so I’ve been ignoring her calls. You know it’s bad when I’m happy to have school to immerse myself in because that never happens. I have school and work to focus on Thursday, but only work Friday. It takes everything I have not to ask Brent if I could come over. He’s messaged me and there seems to be mild concern in most of his texts. He also hasn’t invited me over, so I haven’t asked. Instead, I do schoolwork, work, and run around campus.

  But today, I see Brent again since we’re going to a hockey game. I’ve been fretting over what to wear for an hour. What do people wear to hockey games? How cold will it be? What are their team colors, so I can at least blend in? Will fans ridicule me for looking cute and obviously not knowing anything about the game? This date is very stressful.

  I text Erin and make her come over to help me, feeler dumber by the minute.

  “Jamie,” she begins as she walks into my room. “It’s a freaking game. Jeans.” She tosses a pair of jeans at me. My phone dings with a text from Brent.

  Brent: Where are you? You’re late, you know. Want me to pick you up?

  Crap! I’ve wasted way more time than I thought I had. I haven’t even put on my makeup yet. I quickly text him back.

  Me: So sorry! Running way behind. Yes, please pick me up.

  “Sweater because it might actually be cold.” She rifles through my things while I slip into the jeans and then throws a white sweater at me, followed by a pair of shoes. “I’m also packing you a bag.”

  “For what?” I ask once I’m fully clothed and facing a mirror on the back of the door to apply my makeup.

  “Because every time I turn around, you’ve spent the night. Be prepared for a change.”

  I frown. “Won’t he think I’m making an assumption? And isn’t that bad?”

  “No. He’ll just know you’re ready for sex. You are wearing sexy undies, right?” In a flash, she’s behind me and lifting my shirt to check my bra.

  “Erin!”

  She waves a hand of dismissal. “I’m saving you time. Do you think tonight will finally be the night?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not worried about it.” Erin seems to think Brent must have a magic penis that I’ve seen and am currently waiting to test drive; that’s the only logical reason she can think of that I would date a man eighteen years older than I am. When I told her sex had nothing to do with it, she didn’t believe me. I’m still not sure I’ve convinced her that I haven’t had sex with him or seen his so-called magical parts.

  My phone chimes with a text from Brent; he’s here.

  “I have to go.”

  Erin shoves the tote bag of clothes in my arms, which has my purse lying on top. It’ll be easier to take it than try to leave it and argue with her about doing so. Unfortunately, she follows me.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I have to go to the library to study,” she replies innocently.

  “Then where are your books?”

  “In my car.” She waggles her keys as if that solves everything. The moment we’re outside and she spots Brent standing on the sidewalk, waiting for me, she grabs my arm and forces me to stop walking. “Is that him?” she whispers.

  “Yes.”

  “Holy hell. Are you sure he’s old because he’s hot, Jamie!” She slaps my arm a few times.

  “I have to go,” I repeat, breaking away from her. “Sorry. I’m the worst date ever today,” I say once I reach him.

  “It’s fine. That a friend of yours?” He takes my hand in his.

  “Yes, please ignore her and let’s go.”

  He chuckles and lets me drag him until he takes the lead since he’s the only one between the two of us who knows where he parked. “What’s with the big bag?”

  “Oh, that’s all her idea, too. It’s nothing.” I toss it in the backseat as soon as I’m in his truck. I don’t want to think about what that bag represents, thanks to Erin and her big ideas. There’s no need to have nerves about that when we’re on our way to a hockey game.

  When Brent’s in his seat and once he cranks the truck, he then leans over the console and kisses me like it’s been a long, tortuous couple of days since he last saw me.

  “Would you believe me if I told you I actually missed you when I went running this morning?” he asks when he pulls away.

  “You sound surprised,” I comment.

  “I am. I like running alone, so as bad as it sounds, I didn’t think I enjoyed running with you enough to miss it.”

  “That sounds awful,” I tease. “I guess I’ll have to make sure I’m there Monday morning, then.”

  “I’ll be happy if you are.”

  “Then I’ll be there. What did you do today? Find something other than work to do?”

  Brent sighs. “Well, Gregory is at my house this weekend and he worked after school a few days this week, so he didn’t care to do anything today. We hung out at the house until he left to go to the
movies with friends and spend the night at his friend’s house.”

  My brows pull together in confusion. “He can spend the night at a friend’s when it’s your weekend?” I don’t know how these things work, so better to ask than to assume, right?

  “He still has a life and I don’t want to interrupt that because he’s supposed to spend the weekend with me. They’ve been planning to see this movie for weeks. Plus, it works out because I get to be with you.”

  “You’re a really good dad, Brent.”

  He smiles. “I try to be.”

  The week slowly slips from my thoughts, the stress leaves my muscles as we arrive at the arena, make our way inside, and walk to our seats. Brent looks sheepish as we sit in the first row of seats at the glass.

  “It’s my first game and they were available. How could I resist?”

  I shake my head with a laugh. “Men and their sports.”

  “Let me know if you get bored, okay?”

  “I’m not ruining this for you.”

  He hasn’t even looked at me since we walked inside. His excitement is obvious and if I do get bored, he won’t ever know it. Brent looks like a kid in the world’s largest candy store. He hasn’t sat down yet because his eyes roam the ice and every seat in the arena, soaking it in. Meanwhile, I’m glad Erin made me wear a sweater because it is slightly chilly in here.

  “This is too cool,” Brent says as he finally sits down. “I’m glad you’re letting me bring you here for a date.” He leans over and kisses me quickly before getting distracted as players come out onto the ice.

  I can’t really pay attention to whatever’s happening on the ice because I’m too busy watching Brent. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a grown man so excited over something. It’s kinda cute. And Brent is really invested. He cheers as if he’s been a fan for life when the Rebels score, but still makes sure to buy me a drink and something to eat in between periods. That’s when he talks to me the most, too. It’s primarily about the game, but I don’t mind.