Secondhand Heart

by Kristen Strassel

  “I’m not.” Maybe I was.

  “Do you want to be here right now?” His fingers were still on my cheek, brushing near my hairline.

  “Yes.” It felt so good, Cam so close, the salty air kissing our skin, the sounds of the beach off in the distance, I never wanted to be anywhere else. Some girls raved about spa days, screw that. This was bliss.

  “Then what’s wrong with what we’re doing?” He leaned in to kiss me again. This time I raised my hands up into his hair, twisting fistfuls of curls as his lips moved against mine. “All I could think about all morning was waking up with you, wondering how much longer until you came back from your class.”

  “It’s just that,” I laughed as Cam came back in to make good on his promise. “The other night, you were talking about moving me moving in here.”

  I paused, giving him a chance to react. A way out. “Yeah.” He took just a hair too long. Exactly what I was afraid of.

  But I had to play my hand now, even if I’d seen his. “And everything with us is so intense. What happens when that fades away?” I dropped my hands to my lap and looked down at them. Even though some questions had to be asked, it didn’t mean I was going to be ready to hear the answer.

  “What if it doesn’t?” He tipped my chin back up to look at him. “It doesn’t have to fade.”

  “But if it does?

  Cam sighed and shook his head slightly. “Daisy, don’t worry about it. If this is what you want right now, that’s all you can control. We both got married, and we’re both alone right now. Neither of us expected that. We don’t have any say over the future.”

  “You’re so smart sometimes.” Even though his words couldn’t rip away the shroud of sadness that followed me everywhere, even when I tried to close the door on it. “I just wish it was really that easy.”

  “It is.” Cam pulled me in closer, his arms wrapping around me as I rested my head on his shoulder. “Move in here with me. I can’t make you any guarantees. We’ll either have one amazing day or a hundred awesome years. I’d rather have that one day then not at least try and wonder what could have happened.”

  “Daisy, you’re a widow. You can’t just shack up with the first guy you sleep with. What do you think that looks like?” Of course my parents went nuts when I told them what I planned to do. My dad wouldn’t make eye contact with me when I tried to watch baseball with him, and only mumbled in response to anything I asked him. The less my dad enunciated, the more pissed he was. My mother handled the situation with her usual joie de vive.

  “Like I met someone who wants to kiss me before I brush my teeth in the morning?” I burned with rage. My mother could fuck up a free lunch. Cam could be next in line for some European throne, and still, she would find something wrong with him.

  “It makes you look like a whore. With no respect for the memory of your husband.” She might as well have slapped me. It felt the same. “It’s bad enough we had that pregnancy scare when you were sixteen—“

  “We took care of that, didn’t we?” How fucking dare she. If she couldn’t see that my grief for Jordan threatened to strangle me at any moment, I couldn’t help her with that. But that wasn’t enough. She brought up The Thing We Never Talk About. Pregnancy scare, my ass. That makes it sound like a case of head lice. I got knocked up in the tenth grade.

  When Jordan needed a night off from haunting my dreams, I could always rely on that ultrasound to make an appearance. And if I hadn’t caved to my mother, and the councilors, and everyone else who was so sure I was going to ruin my life if I didn’t listen to their grown up wisdom, I’d have Jordan’s baby now. If only I’d known it was my only chance. She’d be almost five now, a tiny bit older than Landon. I always thought of her as a she, and I would have named her Amelia.

  Bree’s life wasn’t ruined. Sure, she got housing and food stamps and could only take classes online right now, but money didn’t define a person. She loved her boys, and I couldn’t imagine her not having them.

  That’s why I was so worried about Ev’s pregnancy. We couldn’t lose another baby.

  So much for me not winding up a statistic, like they were all afraid of. “You were wrong then, and you’re wrong now. At least now I know I don’t have to listen to your bullshit advice.” Each word had the same delivery as if I’d shot them out of a gun.

  “You are totally overreacting.” She couldn’t be serious right now. I could add deaf to the blind and stupid, because there was no way she’d actually say these things if she had any idea what they sounded like. She knew every one of my buttons, and pushed them like they were part of her favorite toy.

  “I’m overreacting?” I was yelling now, and my dad turned up the volume on the TV, that had become his signal over the years to let the ladies of the house know he didn’t approve of whatever was going on. “You’re the one who’s so worried about my reputation. Sorry you’ll have to tell the girls at the gym that I’m living in sin. You can slip that in while you fill their orders to replace their broken dildos.”

  I stormed up the stairs, into my bedroom and launched myself into the same bed that I laid in as a scared pregnant fifteen-year-old who didn’t want to do what everyone had told her to do. At least this time, I had a choice.

  “What?” I barked when someone knocked on my door. I was shocked to see my dad come in. At the same time, I was so relieved it was him. “Hey.”

  “Hey, Dee Dee.” His words were easy to understand, so he wasn’t mad at me. I scooted over to make room for him at the foot of the bed. “I tried not to listen to what happened downstairs, but you didn’t make that easy.”

  I pushed my foot into his thigh playfully. I don’t think my dad had been in my room since I was a little girl and he’d read to me until I fell asleep. No, that wasn’t true. The first night I came home from Arizona, freshly widowed and totally shell-shocked, he slept sitting up on my bed because I wouldn’t let him go.

  “You know better than a lot of people that your mother and I don’t see eye to eye on most things,” he continued.

  I sighed. “But you agree with her now?”

  “Not really.” He raised an eyebrow and nodded, acknowledging my surprise. “Did I ever tell you that I asked your mother to marry me a month after I met her?”

  “No.” I smiled. “I bet you question that decision every day of your life.”

  “Not at all. She didn’t say yes right away, but I didn’t want to take no for an answer.” I knew that feeling. “We work well for each other, even if we’re different people now. And if I hadn’t married your mother, I wouldn’t have you or Evelyn.”

  I didn’t answer him right away, I wanted to think about what he said. “It’s not like I’m washing my hands of Jordan. He’s still a much a part of me as my skin. But something about Cam is making me want things again. And I was starting to forget what it felt like.”

  “I know that. I can see it,” Dad said.

  “So you understand? I mean, Cam just seems to get me. And he’s willing to help me work things out about Jordan.” This was the most I’d opened up about this to anyone, and it shocked me that Dad was the one who was willing to hear me out. Not Ev, not Bree, who both thought that Cam was something that I needed to get out of my system before I could move on. But my Dad, who said so little but understood so much. I should have known better than to count out the underdog. “He likes me now, how I am, for me.”

  “He sounds like a very smart man.” I could almost see him mentally checking off boxes in the pro-Cam column. “But no one is going to take my little girl away from me before he sits down and has a beer with me first.”

  Why couldn’t my mother be this reasonable? All she had to do was act like a human who made mistakes once in a while. The evidence of her failures multiplied on a quarterly basis in our basement. This is why I always got along with my Dad better. Even though I still lived under his roof, he treated me like an equal. I was always better off letting Ev handle Mom. She seemed to have the magic touch with her.<
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  “I think he’d love that.” I crawled up to sitting position, then leaned over to hug my dad. He might have been a man of few words, but he gave kick ass bear hugs. “Cam likes beer and baseball.”

  “You better watch out. I might move in with him instead.”

  Ev watched Bree’s boys wrestling on her second floor deck with a wary eye. Every time one of them rolled too close to the railing she sucked in a sharp breath, and rested her hand on her belly. It was that mother’s intuition that started to kick in while her body went crazy building a baby.

  I tried not to have the same reaction every time Ev winced, or looked slightly gray as clouds passed over the sun. My hovering and acting crazy wasn’t going to make her relax.

  “They’re fine.” Bree, wrist deep in glitter, didn’t look up from her project. “You worry like crazy for like a year, and then you realize it takes a lot for them to actually kill themselves.”

  We’d come up here to work on the wedding decorations. The deck looked like a biohazard scene, garbage bags spread out everywhere so we could paint and glitter mason jars without giving the landlord a heart attack. The boys were interested in helping us for exactly ten minutes, just long enough to get paint in their hair and ruin a piece of clothing each. Ev was in charge of the hot glue gun, because she had a vision that she didn’t trust me or Bree to not fuck up. Our track record with arts and crafts was pretty shaky, so it was best we stuck to the solids. Ev had also come up with this really cool idea to cut up lacy tights and somehow strangle the mason jars with them in the most adorable way.

  “How many of these are we going to make?” My fingers were sticking together and sweat was trickling down my spine. I was minutes away from rolling around on the deck with the boys. It looked like way more fun. “You’re only going to have seven tables.”

  “You want me to have chintzy centerpieces? Is that what you’re saying?” Ev raised her eyebrow, I was dangerously close to violating my No Bitching About The Wedding clause.

  “No. But all these squat jars are going to be a snooze in the middle of each table. We need to jazz it up with some beer bottles or other tall bottles.”

  Bree and Ev looked back and forth at each other, then to me, with these goofy grins on their faces. Come on, it wasn’t that dumb. “That’s actually pretty genius.” Ev actually sounded surprised that I came up with a good idea.

  “Do you have any beer?” Bree asked.

  “I think Roger has some in the fridge,” Ev said. “We took care of the recycling yesterday. Go to it, ladies.”

  “I’m out.” Bree gestured towards the boys. “I don’t like to drink in front of the little people.”

  “Then it’s you’re lucky day, Daisy.” Ev got up. “You can drink all Roger’s beer. Anyone want anything in the kitchen?”

  “Juice!” Lucas hollered.

  I considered keeping my mouth shut, but if I started making an exception every time someone dangled temptation in my face, then I wasn’t going to make much progress. “I don’t want to drink today.”

  Ev looked skeptical. “Are you feeling alright?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant, too!” Bree blurted out. “Is that why you’re moving in with Cam?”

  Ev’s head whipped back towards us. “Wait. What?”

  I put my head down on the table, forgetting how much wet paint that was on our makeshift tarp that was probably now in my hair. I wasn’t sure if I should think happy thoughts or just visualize killing Bree to satisfy the urge.

  “She’s moving in with Cam,” Bree continued to be my spokesperson.

  “He’s coming over to meet Mom and Dad on Monday.” My head was still on my arms. Cam seemed enthusiastic about the invite, since I clearly hadn’t told him enough about my mom to frighten him away. “And I mean, why not? Maybe it’s the beginning of something good.”

  “Or a complete fucking disaster.” Ev clapped her hand over her mouth, her eyes darting to the boys, who didn’t even hear her. “Sorry. Daisy, I know you’re new to this, but you don’t have to get serious with every guy you screw. This, correct me if I’m wrong, is still way more of a fling than anything else.”

  I lifted my head, indignant. “How do you know that? You’re up here, planning a wedding. You don’t know what we do.”

  Ev rolled her eyes. “All I hear about is you two humping like jackrabbits. You’re not ready. And neither is he.”

  “I didn’t know I had to pass some imaginary test.” Why didn’t I see any of this coming? I had barely known Cam a month. Even I knew it was ridiculous. Why was my dad the only one who seemed to think it was okay, that sometimes you could go around a corner without knowing what was going to greet you?

  “I think you’re making a huge mistake.” Ev dismissed the whole idea.

  “Why can you say that to me, but any time I disagree with you, I’m a bitch?” She was really pissing me off. “Any time anything challenges you, you run, Ev. Everything you do is safe. And where does it get you?”

  Ev pressed her lips together in an angry line. “You know, if you screw things up with Cam, you’re screwing things up for me too. He’s my client. And he’s going to be singing at the wedding. I don’t need you giving him the death stare from across the yard, or trying to electrocute him when he plugs in his guitar.”

  “Of course, it’s about the wedding.” I threw my hands up in the air. “Stop the world, Ev’s getting married.”

  “Guys, stop it.” I’d forgotten Bree was even there.

  “Like I haven’t been tiptoeing around you for the last year?” Ev’s words ended in a shriek. “Jesus Christ, do you know how guilty I felt telling you about the wedding? And the baby? I was making myself miserable because I was happy and I knew you couldn’t be happy for me.”

  My mouth dropped open. “I’m happy for you Ev. I’m jumping up and down. I’m sorry my husband’s death is causing an inconvenience to you. I didn’t plan that, either.”

  “See? You can’t say anything to poor Daisy.”

  I wanted to get up and leave, but Bree drove because her car had the car seats. It was a long walk home from Somerville. “So you don’t want me to mourn for Jordan, but you don’t want anything to happen with Cam, either. Is this a competition? Can only one of us be happy at a time?”

  Ev sat back down, she never made it to the kitchen. Lucas was going to be pissed when he didn’t get his juice. Elephants and two year olds, they didn’t forget. “I want us both to be happy. Which is why I’m telling you the truth.”

  “Then why did you push me towards him? If this is such a disaster?”

  “I just got caught up in the moment,” Ev didn’t make eye contact with me. I hated that. It made me feel so aggressive. “I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere.”

  “Of course not. Why would anyone want Daisy? Like this.” I glared at her until she had to acknowledge me. “I think you’re jealous.”

  “Of what?” Ev sneered. “If I wanted Cam, I could’ve had him many times. He’s not exactly a monk. So don’t think you’ve got the golden pussy. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

  “Would you two knock it off?” Bree pleaded. She’d just come back from the kitchen with Lucas’ juice.

  “You’re jealous because you’re marrying some dude who killed your passion for life. And now you’re just going to play wifey and put fucking cloth diapers on your baby!” I roared. “You used to want things, Ev.”

  Her eyes glistened with tears. “I still want things. I’m being realistic, Daisy. These are the same things you wanted with Jordan.”

  “I wasn’t settling.”

  Bree gasped.

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Daisy.” Ev’s voice wavered, her bottom lip quivering.

  “You started it.” Steam probably rose from my skin. I hadn’t been asking for permission. After all, they all thought I shouldn’t have married Jordan, either. Everyone thought we were too young.

  If you know something is right, why wait? How c
ome only the men in my life understood that? I understood why my mom would go nuts that I’d do something like this, as much as she drove me crazy that was her job as a mom. To look out for me. But Ev and Bree should get it, at least a little bit. And they didn’t. At all.

  Cam was right. Trying and failing was better than not trying at all.

  “You made enough food for an army,” Mom said when she opened up the fridge. I hadn’t been able to relax all day, so I just kept working. Cam was coming at six. Since I got out of school, I’d made a tossed salad, a fruit salad, a pasta salad, and to break up the salad theme, deviled eggs. I’d even prepared the hamburger patties for Dad to grill. The shindig was taking place outside, but I’d gone crazy cleaning the house, too. Like the moving furniture kind of cleaning that you only do when someone might be judging you.

  “Yeah, but now we’re good for the week.” There was nothing that she could give me shit about, even the pasta salad had been made with low-fat vinaigrette. I still worried I hadn’t done enough. It was just going to be the four of us. Things between Ev and I were weird at best after the weekend. At worst, borderline hostile. Neither of us were ready to apologize, and really, why should we? We both said what we felt. It happened. We were sisters. If you can’t tell your sister what you really thought, then there’s no one you could tell. It hurt right now, but we’d both get past it.

  “I guess.” Mom raised an eyebrow. “I just don’t think it’s necessary.”

  Cam would be here any minute, and I wondered if I’d be able to relax once he arrived. I was exhausted already, and nothing had even happened yet. I went upstairs to finish getting ready. It seemed pretty stupid to get all dolled up, but I thought our little dinner party deserved a little extra effort. I picked a coral top with a wide elastic at the bottom, but decided to stick with shorts over a skirt. I had enough to worry about tonight without having to remember to sit like a lady.