Secondhand Heart

by Kristen Strassel

  When the doorbell rang, my heart stopped. I didn’t have anything to be anxious about. After all, Cam wasn’t looking to live with my parents and he already liked me.

  “Hey,” I said when I opened the door. “Welcome.”

  Cam brought flowers. I melted. “Am I allowed to kiss you in front of your parents?”

  He already had me up against the door frame, leaning just inches from my face, sort of waiting for my permission. I looked down the hallway, just being here made me feel like I had to sneak around.

  The coast was clear. “Hurry up.”

  I should have known Cam would have tested the limits, kissing me deeply enough that my knees shook when he pulled away too soon.

  “Can I put these in water?” he asked, like nothing had happened.

  “Sure, follow me.” I led him into the kitchen, and after looking around for a minute, I realized I had no clue where my mom kept vases, if I could even think straight. I motioned to Cam to come with me out on the deck.

  My mom looked up from her phone and smiled. She jumped right up out of her seat and approached Cam was too much enthusiasm for anyone to actually buy as genuine. “Daisy’s told us all about you.”

  “Only the good stuff, I hope.” He flashed that crooked smile that had to win even my mother over. “I brought you flowers, Mrs. O’Brien.”

  “Aren’t you a gentleman?” Mom giggled, high pitched and super gross.

  I rolled my eyes at Cam. Mom was already in the kitchen finding the hidden vases. “Kiss ass.” I mouthed at him.

  Cam leaned in so he could whisper in my ear. “I’m on a mission.” His hand brushed my ass and my spine stiffened. I turned around to make sure my dad missed it, but he was taking a long swig of beer. No such luck.

  “Cam, this is my dad.” I pulled him over to the table, where my dad was sitting under the umbrella. “Dad, Cam.”

  “I hate to think you’re missing the game on account of me tonight, Mr. O’Brien.” Cam held out his hand to Dad.

  “Call me Ed. It’s not until 10:05. They’re in Oakland.” Dad turned to me. “I thought you said he knew baseball?”

  “Cam works all the time, and there’s always a game on.” I swatted at Dad playfully, because I knew he was just giving Cam shit. “Not everyone watches every single pitch.”

  “They should.” Dad nodded towards the chair next to him, and Cam took the cue and sat down. Dad reached in the cooler behind him and handed Cam a can of beer.

  “What do you think going into the All-Star break?” Cam asked him. Excellent move, and I hadn’t even coached him. I knew Dad had a lot of opinions on this, so the two of them would be good for a little while. Cam’s taste in baseball was close enough to Dad’s that World War Three wouldn’t erupt if I left the boys to their own devices and went to grab some of the food. I hadn’t had anything since breakfast and I was ravenous.

  “He’s too good looking.” Mom looked over her glasses at me as she arranged her flowers in the vase.

  I didn’t even know that was possible. “What’s the supposed to mean?”

  “You can’t trust a guy like that,” she said, digging through the silverware drawer for the serving spoons. Utensils were stuffed in every drawer, since she used to sell them. There were so many of them it made it hard to find the right one sometimes.

  “Why?” I pulled the giant bowls out of the fridge. “That doesn’t even make sense. You can’t trust good looking people?” Did she mean too good looking for me? Because that’s what it sounded suspiciously like.

  “He’s got to be beating girls off of him with a stick. He can’t say no to everyone.” Mom sighed, and I couldn’t decide if it was because she thought I was too dumb to see this, or if because she thought I was a delusional idiot.

  “Right. He doesn’t say no to me.” I smiled at her disgust.

  “You’re still new and exciting.” Mom didn’t back down. “And he’s still married.”

  Aaaah. “So you talked to Ev about this.” No matter how many times I told myself not to worry about Ashley, I couldn’t make myself stop.

  “Your sister didn’t say a word.” Mom raised her eyebrows. “The girls at the gym were talking in the locker room. They’ve seen him with his wife at the bar.”

  I gulped and blinked slow. I hoped it was the night I saw her there, and nothing else. I wanted to ask her what they’d said, but I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. “You’re just going to have to trust me to make my own decisions,” I said with all the courage I could muster and then went back outside. I had to get away from her before things got ugly.

  “I think Belichick’s a genius, he scares us every year, and we still win the division.” Cam was preaching to the choir, the conversation with my dad had shifted to football. I squeezed Cam’s shoulder after I set the salad down, and took the seat next to him. Cam turned to me and smiled. Dad’s eyes were all lit up, I liked sports, but guys had some magical secret connection that I couldn’t touch when it came to this stuff.

  “We’re talking about maybe going to training camp at the end of the month,” Cam told me. “You in?”

  Cam was making plans with my dad without me? Cam was going to get my dad out of the house? Holy shit. The only person I was going to have to worry about stealing Cam away from me was Dad. But no one’s opinion mattered more. “Of course.”

  “We were big fans of yours on The Spotlight, Cam.” My mother steered the conversation away from sports, and Dad excused himself to start grilling. “It’s a treat to have such a big star over for dinner.”

  “I don’t know about that.” Cam looked uneasy. “But thanks. No place else I’d rather be.” He reached over and put his hand on my knee. My mother’s eyes burned my skin.

  “Where’s your wife tonight, Cam?” Oh my God. She went there. She really and truly did it.

  “Mom!” I hissed.

  “It’s okay, Daisy.” Cam tried to assure me. Like hell it was. “I expected that. I have no idea where my ex-wife is, Mrs. O’Brien. Hopefully she’s enjoying her evening. Our next scheduled meeting will be in a lawyer’s office on Newbury Street in Boston. There’ve been some delays with the paperwork. You’d think with the money these lawyers ask for, it would be automatic.”

  “I’m sure there’s some reason for it.” Saccharine dripped from my mother’s words. I wondered if this is what she sounded like at her parties. No wonder so much unsold crap wound up in our basement.

  “Sorry, Cam, my mom didn’t tell me about her new job with TMZ.” I glared back at her. “Our dinners are usually a little more relaxed.”

  “I’m sorry, Cam.” I had to do a double take. Mom, apologizing? Cam had worked a Jedi Mind Trick on my parents. “I didn’t mean to attack you. But I’m sure you understand my concern.”

  “Of course I do. And it’s fine. I’d be asking the very same questions if I were you.” Cam didn’t back down from confrontation. I liked that. Even better, he addressed it in such a way that made everyone feel better. My mom’s shoulders fell away from her ears when he said that, and she leaned back. “I think we all want the best for Daisy.”

  “You know she hasn’t had it so easy,” Mom said.

  “Mom, come on. Why don’t you tell Cam about your shakes or something? Let’s not talk about me like I’m not here.”

  “What are the shakes?” Cam asked, and Mom launched into her pitch.

  “Of course, you don’t need to lose an ounce,” she finished, and I wanted to groan. I was loving Cam’s bromance with Dad, but Mom was being condescending and laying it on way too thick.

  Dad came back with the burgers, and we all dove in, fixing our food as we liked it. Mom didn’t give me a hard time, which was heaven. Dad was really digging Cam’s company, he never had anything to talk about with Roger. He’d gotten along with Jordan, too, but I think Dad always thought of him as a kid. He’d known him since he was eleven, after all. With Cam it was different.

  Good different.

  It took me exactly one
afternoon to get my things together to move to Cam’s house. There wasn’t much I needed to bring, just my clothes really. I emptied out my closet into trash bags, and squished it all into the back of my car. All the boxes the military had dropped off into my basement were going to stay where they were. I didn’t bring my scrapbooking supplies, either. As guilty as I felt leaving that stuff behind, I had to do just that. Leave it behind.

  I didn’t take off my dog tags. That I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t know if I’d ever be.

  Call me a wimp, but I snuck out of the house in the middle of the afternoon for a reason. My mom was at some shake meeting, so she couldn’t rattle off every reason what I was doing was stupid while I loaded up the car. Like I didn’t have my own doubts, mostly named Ashley. This scared the hell out of me. Dad hadn’t come home from work yet. As much as he loved Cam, it didn’t erase the fact he was fucking his little girl. That inevitable sadness in his eyes was one of the only things that could make me consider changing my mind.

  Cam was at the bar, working, like people with jobs did. He’d given me a key a couple days before. It was going to take some time to get used to this being where I lived. Something about it, the high ceilings, the white walls, the lack of fabric, it felt empty. Only Cam would make it feel like home.

  I had no idea what time to expect him. Nightmare scenes starring Ashley high stepped in my brain. I trusted Cam, but it was everyone else’s doubt that kept the fear alive.

  I opened the refrigerator. It was a takeout graveyard, forgotten leftovers from The Lonely Heart Saloon rotting in Styrofoam. I tossed them in the trash, leaving nothing but beer, orange juice, and ketchup.

  This isn’t Mom and Dad’s house, Daisy. How did parents learn that magical talent of keeping the fridge stocked? I sucked at food shopping in Arizona, too. I was at the BX practically every other day. Apparently, Cam wasn’t great at it, either. Something else we had in common.

  I needed to get some groceries. But I really didn’t have any money. That whole no job thing threatened to catch up with me at some point, and this looked like that moment. Shit. I really didn’t think this through. I never had to worry about things like food, or anything important. I’d only been responsible for spending money, well, forever.

  I looked my bank balance up online. I didn’t even have a thousand dollars. Great. Cam never asked me about money, and I hadn’t thought about needing any. But now I was hungry, and that was something that happened three or so times a day. Hungry cost money.

  After a shell-shocked trip around the dirty little Manomet supermarket, I had eighty dollars’ worth of food to work with. I tried to work Cam’s grill, I really did, but I feared that I’d blow the block of condos right off the map. That thing was complicated. All I had to do was dump charcoal in Dad’s grill and light the bitch on fire. Cam’s required rocket fuel, and a certificate from rocket science school. I slunk back in the kitchen, tail between my legs, and fried my chicken breasts on the stove like a mere mortal. Dredged in egg and breadcrumbs, spreading salmonella all over Cam’s countertops. I had been too lazy to make the pasta salad from scratch, so I’d bought one of those boxes that had all the makings in it. Yeah, it disappointed me, too.

  This morning, the prospect of sitting on Cam’s deck and eating dinner seemed magical. The reality was pretty underwhelming. I’d made way too much food, used to cooking for three or more when I actually had the chance, and having dinner with other people. Even when I was on base and Jordan had been deployed, I used to get together with some of the other wives for dinner. We’d go to someone else’s house each night, so we were only responsible for cooking once a week. Every night was a party.

  This was lonely.

  And it was something I was going to have to get used to, living here. Not only did Cam spend about seventy hours a week at the bar, but he was heading to Nashville to talk to some producer about a new album in a couple days.

  This week was finals week, thank God. It was over. After torturing myself in summer session, I sure as hell planned on getting a good grade. Talk about adding insult to injury, failing a summer class. I grabbed a blanket off of the bed and got cozy on the lounge chair, studying under the stars.

  I woke up to Cam’s lips on my cheek, and fingers on my chin. “Welcome home.” His voice was just loud enough that I could make out the words. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you tonight.”

  “Hey,” I said, stretching. “Why wait, right? I made you dinner.”

  “Thanks.” Cam stretched out on the lounge next to me. “Stop being greedy with the blanket.”

  Laughing, I lifted it up so he could climb under and cuddle against me. While I’d slept, the air had grown misty and cool. “It’s awesome out here. I love it, listening to the ocean.”

  “Isn’t it? That’s what I miss the most when I’m not home. The ocean,” he said, running his hand up and down the side of my body. Even though his fingers were warm to the touch, he sent shivers down my spine, making me snuggle in closer to his body.

  “I hated that about Tucson. All sand and no ocean. They missed the point.” I forgot what my point was when Cam’s lips connected with the skin on my shoulder.

  “I’ve never spent the night out here,” Cam murmured. “Once, in boy scouts, we were supposed to camp on Plymouth Beach, but it rained and we didn’t get to go.”

  “You were a boy scout?” Of course he was. I sat up a little bit, turning in towards his chest. “What did they teach you?”

  He didn’t have a chance to answer me right away, once I was facing him our lips were drawn to each other’s like a magnet. “You know most of my good tricks already.”

  “They didn’t teach you how to start a fire or anything?” I smiled against his lips, giggling at my own joke.

  “You tell me.” Cam bit my lip, his hand hooking into the waistband of my shorts and pulling them down, stroking and teasing. I scooted over on my back so he could climb on top of me and finish his mission, just like a real boy scout.

  When we were done, we laid there, listening to the water and the wind. Someone had lit a bonfire far down the beach, and the flames jumped and danced in the breeze. Even though we weren’t sleeping, something about this felt like we’d entered a different dimension. Like when the yoga teacher talked about floating away on the magic carpet.

  “Do you want to stay out here all night?” I asked. “You’ll finally get your camping trip.”

  “Please. I would have had to bunk with my friend Pete, who farted in his sleep. I’m not looking to recreate that.”

  I burst out laughing. “No. Please don’t.”

  “This is going to be fun, you being here. Being with you.”

  “Yeah.” I hadn’t expected that it was going to be as weird as it was tonight, before Cam came home. I needed to get comfortable here, if it was going to be my home.

  “I might be off, but that didn’t sound like excitement.” Cam picked up on my uneasiness.

  “Yeah,” Even in silhouette, I could see the doubt all over his face. “It’s just a little lonely when you’re not here.”

  “You’ll get used to it.” He traced his finger along my jaw. “I want you to make this your home. Invite your friends over. Have fun here.”

  “Can I decorate?” I asked, cringing a little at my own words. I’d been here six hours and I already wanted to take over. What a nightmare. “It just doesn’t feel done.”

  He chuckled. “It’s not done. I’d love that.” Thank God. “I don’t know the first thing about that stuff.”

  “I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not very good at it either.” In Tucson, all we could afford was superstore garbage that we had to put together ourselves. We collected bags of spare parts from every piece like trophies. We weren’t really there long enough to get anything cool, and we didn’t want to have a ton of stuff to lug to the next place. Can’t take it with you. Jordan always used to joke. I never thought it was funny, especially not now.

  “Better than me,�
� Cam said. “Ashley took care of all that stuff in the last place.”

  Of course she did. “Did you like what she did?”

  “She didn’t do anything besides hire a decorator. But yeah, it was alright.”

  I relaxed once Cam confirmed that Ashley didn’t have a creative bone in her body. I wasn’t sure if I did, either, so at least I didn’t have to live up to that.

  “Well, I don’t really have any money.” Might as well put it out there. “So I’m not going to be able to do anything on that scale.”

  “I’ll leave you my credit card when I go to Nashville, and you can go shopping,” Cam offered.

  “Won’t you need it?”

  “I have more than one. I won’t miss it. Just don’t go too crazy.”

  “I won’t.” I didn’t think, anyway. Cam trusted me with not only his money, but to make his house a home. This was pretty huge. I wanted to make sure I got it right. “I’m excited.”

  “Good.” Cam snuggled in against me, his eyes growing heavy. “I can’t wait to see what you do with the place.”

  “I think you need to apologize to Ev,” Bree said as she pulled out a curtain panel from the wall in The Christmas Tree Shop. The boys were climbing on the furniture in the middle of the display, and jumping off. A few shoppers glared in our general direction, but Bree had learned to block those judgy bitches out long ago. She looked at me through the sheer fabric. “Would these work? I don’t even know what we’re looking for.”

  “I think they’d be pretty cute.” They were cream colored with a monochromatic floral pattern embroidered throughout. They’d soften the place up without looking too girly, I thought. This was harder than I expected. Cam didn’t give me any guidelines. This project was truly all me. “And she can apologize to me.”

  “Just make peace with her, we’ve got the bridal shower coming up and I don’t want it to be all weird.” Bree dug through the bins. “How many of these do you think you need? Four?”

  “Yeah. If the shower’s weird, it’s not going to be my fault. It will be because Ev serves nothing but field greens and my mom tries to sell people shit.” I sighed, annoyed at always having to be the one who admitted to being wrong. “I’m not giving her a hard time about marrying Roger. And I hate Roger. She likes Cam. She needs to chill the fuck out.”