Risk

by Marissa Holan

  By the time my shift ended on Friday, I was looking forward to the weekend. I hated being away from Jack for the whole day, and I really didn't think I could stand another day of watching Caden manhandle another random ho-bag. I grabbed my purse from behind the counter and waved goodbye at Marcy. "Have a good weekend," I said to her over my shoulder. She responded with a halfhearted smile. I walked by Caden, daring a peek at him. Just as I looked at him, he removed his face from the blonde sitting next to him and stared at me. Our eyes met. There was something in his that I couldn't quite put my finger on. He almost looked annoyed. I gave him a tight smile and nod before leaving the building. I had to compose myself when I got in my car. I didn't realize how his gaze would make my insides all jumbled. He was a womanizing prick; why was he getting to me?

  I picked up Jack and headed home, grateful for the reprieve the privacy of my apartment gave me. I changed out of my work clothes and put on my black yoga pants and a yellow tank top. I made dinner for me and Jack and let Jack watch cartoons while I cleaned up the kitchen. When I was finally done, Jack's eyes were getting heavy so I carried him to his bed. Part of me was sad that he was going to bed so early because I missed him; another part of me was in serious need of some down-time. I fixed a mug of hot chocolate and made my way to the couch with a book. I kicked my feet up on the coffee table and sent Lizzy a text.

  Have fun tonight! Luv U!

  I set my phone to the side on silent so it wouldn't wake up Jack and opened my book. I was about ten chapters in when my eyes started to get heavy. I succumbed to the exhaustion right there on the couch.

  The knock on the door had me bolting up. I looked around confused at first, then I remembered I fell asleep in the living room. I rubbed my eyes awake and looked at the clock. 10:00 pm. I stood up, shuffled to the front door, and looked out the peephole.

  Caden.

  I blew out an exasperated breath and opened the door. "What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?" I said, stifling a yawn.

  "You didn't answer your phone." His voice was impatient; the sharp lines of his face were drawn down like he was upset. I turned my head to look at my phone and remembered I had it on silent. "Can I come in…please?" His hands were in his pockets and the smugness I had grown accustomed to this past week was gone. I opened the door wider and stepped aside. He walked in, looking around slowly.

  "I guess there's no point in asking how you knew where I lived." I crossed my arms standing in the middle of the living room. "Stalker much?" I muttered in irritation. Silence filled the room, making me shift my weight from one foot to the other.

  "Listen, Kit—" he started, running his hand through his black hair.

  "Don't," I interrupted him. "Just…don't."

  He looked at me for a second then took two long strides toward me and grabbed my shoulders. "Why are you so damn stubborn?" He practically shook me.

  "Uhh…come again?" I shrugged his hands off of me. Who the Hell was this guy?

  "Why can't you just admit that you're attracted to me?" He threw up his hands in frustration like he couldn't imagine anyone not being attracted to him. Arrogant jerk! I gaped open mouthed at him. Are you freaking kidding me?

  "I may have been attracted to you before I got to see the Caden-bang-parade roll through the library every day while I was trying to work!" I tried to keep my voice down, but I was so infuriated. He had some nerve.

  "So you did notice," he said as more of a statement than a question.

  "It's kind of hard to miss, Caden. I felt like I was an extra in an amateur porn flick." I put as much venom into my words as I could muster.

  He waved my words away like they were ridiculous. "Oh please," he scoffed. "That was nothing. I just wanted to see if I could get under your skin."

  I turned my head, not wanting to look him in the eye.

  He lifted my chin to face him. "Now I know."

  My stomach lurched at his touch. I wanted to bury my face in his hand and melt. But that would be ridiculous. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. There's no such thing as 'love at first sight' so it was pretty clear to me that I must have been more lonely than I thought to let some guy I'd known for such a short amount of time push my buttons like this. I slapped his hand away and attempted to build up some anger.

  "You were trying to make me jealous?" I narrowed my eyes at him, realizing I really was angry. "That's sick, Caden."

  "What was I supposed to do?" He shrugged. "You blew me off. One day you're looking at me like you're about to pounce on me in…" so he saw that, huh? Damn. "…The next day you give me the cold shoulder and tell me you're not interested." He was growing more frustrated. "I just want to get to know you, is that really so bad?"

  I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself. We had lunch once and he shows up at my apartment? This was crazy.

  "Despite what you might think, Caden, I'm not an easy lay." I met his eyes when I reminded him of the words his friend had said.

  He let out a gust of breath and ran both hands through his hair. "I know that, Kit." He sounded agitated.

  "Mama…?" Jack's tired voice made me jump. Caden and I turned our heads at the same time to face the little boy in football pajamas holding a stuffed rabbit. I could see Caden's body tense. This situation was getting worse by the second. I straightened up, not wanting Caden to see how humiliated he made me feel.

  "My life is complicated." I kept my voice low and controlled. "We don't need to waste each other's time." I said quietly. I turned to walk toward Jack. "You know where the door is," I said in a clipped tone as I grabbed Jack's hand and walked him down the hallway to his room. The sound of my front door opening then shutting coiled something in my chest. I rocked Jack and sang a couple lullabies until I was sure he was sound asleep. I sat on the edge of his bed and tried to get my frustration under control. The stress from my first week at work, the humiliation and other feelings Caden made me feel all came rushing out of me. I felt slightly ridiculous for even letting these thoughts cloud my mind. If I was going to get my life together I was going to have to grow some thicker skin. One week in the real world and I was already falling apart. I finally stood up and left his room, shutting the door behind me. I made my way down the hall, wiping away the rogue tear that slipped out.

  I stopped in my tracks when I saw Caden sitting on my couch. He had his elbows on his knees with his head in one of his hands. He looked up at me when I stepped into the living room. He winced when he saw how stressed I looked.

  "I thought you left." My voice was still agitated from my mini meltdown.

  "I did. I just…" He shook his head looking for the words. "I don't know." He stood up but didn't come any closer. "Kit…" He put his hands in his pockets and blew out a breath.

  "You don't want this." I rolled my eyes at the fact that I was even having this conversation. "It won't work."

  "Why?" He started to move closer. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Just do it, rip it off like a Band-Aid.

  "Do you want a kid, Caden? Do you want to date a girl with a four-year-old? Is that the kind of responsibility you want?" He didn't say anything. "I didn't think so." I started to turn but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

  "No, okay?" he admitted. "Honestly, when I realized you had a kid, I was just going to drop it. But…" He shook his head, grasping for the right words. "But I don't think I can. For some crazy reason I can't stop thinking about you."

  "You barely know me," I reminded him.

  "But I want to know you." He said it like it made him mad. As much as his words stirred something inside me, I knew it didn't matter. The only way for Caden to understand was for him to know the truth. I moved over to the couch and sat down. He followed. I lifted my knees and wrapped my arms around them for support. It had been a long time since I said this out loud and I was silently praying I could get through it.

  "On my eighteenth birthday I married my high school sweetheart," I said in one quick breath.

  Caden's eyes wi
dened in shock. "I…I didn't realize you were…" He swallowed. "Married." Yeah. I figured that would be a surprise to him; I didn't take offense. It probably would have been my reaction if the tables were turned.

  "We'd been together since we were fourteen." I smiled at the memory. "He joined the military and was about to be deployed, so we got married. About three weeks after he got to Iraq, I found out I was pregnant with Jack. I was thrilled. It didn't matter to me that I was young. I was married to my best friend, we had a home…a life together." I paused, swallowing back the emotion the memories brought to the surface. "David was still in Iraq when Jack was born. He didn't get to meet his son until Jack was about four months old, but it didn't matter, David and Jack bonded like he'd been there the whole time." My gaze was distant, reliving the memory of picking David up from the airport and handing him a squirming little Jack bundled in a blue blanket. I'll never forget the look on his face. Instant love.

  "Did…David get deployed again? Did he die overseas?" Caden asked hesitantly.

  I let go of a bitter laugh, "No. He survived a year-long tour in Iraq just to be killed by a drunk driver." Tears formed behind my eyes. Caden's hand slid over mine. "Jack was three. How do you explain to a three-year-old boy that his dad is never coming back?" I closed my eyes and let a tear fall. "He has nightmares, he wakes up calling for his dad…I'm not even sure he remembers him. He just knows something's missing." I let out a sigh and faced Caden, "That's why I need to stay away from you—from any guy, really. If Jack got attached and it didn't work out…" I shook my head. "I couldn't bear to see him lose anyone else. I hope you understand." I glanced at Caden and he had an unreadable expression on his face. I couldn't tell if it was shock or worry.

  I was sure Caden 'the playboy' Tate wasn't expecting some heavy conversation when he came over. I was almost certain this was his attempt at getting in my pants. All that garbage about him not being able to get me out of his head was probably true, but only because I was the only girl on campus that wouldn't jump his bones the first chance I got. I was just a novelty.

  "I get it," he finally said. "Let's be friends. You can have friends, can't you?" He raised an eyebrow.

  "Yeah, but…" I stared at his bottom lip, "I'm not sure I can be your friend." The thought of seeing him clawing at other girls made me queasy.

  He must have understood my implication because he shot me one of his signature grins. "I was thinking about taking a break from the dating scene anyway." He shrugged as if reading my mind. "I should really be focusing on my studies." He clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back.

  I laughed thinking about how much time he spent in the library not studying. "Ha! I'll believe it when I see it," I teased.

  He reached out toward the coffee table and picked up the remote. "What's on TV, buddy?" he said through a smile.

  "I dunno, look at the TV guide, pal." Apparently we were watching TV now.

  We spent the next hour arguing over what to watch and calling each other every variant of the word 'friend' there was. I relaxed that the pressure of a relationship was gone, and I was surprised that I was actually having fun.

  Chapter 3

  I woke up the next day with a smile on my face. That was new. I was still tired from taking care of Jack in the middle of the night, but for some strange reason I was looking forward to the day. Before Caden left last night, we decided we would get together and hang out, like friends did. I took a shower and got dressed. I wore a pair of black leggings with brown riding boots and a tank top with an off the shoulder sweater. I actually put some effort into my hair and makeup. I looked at my phone and saw a missed call from Lizzy and a text that read:

  Date was awesome! Call you in the a.m. xo

  I set my phone down to grab some earrings. Just as I turned, my phone rang. I reached behind me and grabbed it without seeing who it was.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, comrade." Caden's masculine voice slid through the phone, giving me chills. I smiled, I couldn't help it.

  "Hey, honey," I replied as I attempted to use one hand to put my earrings in.

  "I'm thinking zoo."

  "Huh?" zoo?

  "Yeah, friends go to the zoo, don't they?" he chuckled.

  "I guess so…" did they?

  "Plus, I think Jack will get a kick out of it." I could hear the smile in his voice.

  My throat closed. Jack.

  "Um…" I didn't know what to say. Was I ready for him to meet Jack?

  "Come on, Kit…he's gotta meet me sometime. It's harmless. We're friends, remember?"

  "You're right. I'm sorry, I just panicked a little." I shook off the fear and tried to think about how much Jack would like the zoo. "That sounds perfect, Caden."

  "Cool, pick you guys up in about an hour." We hung up and I scrambled to finish getting me and Jack ready.

  Jack and I sat at the kitchen table coloring while I waited for Caden. "What ya got there, buddy?" I asked, looking at the blue scribble on Jack's paper.

  "It's a bear, rawr!" Jack said, pleased with his work.

  "A bear, huh? Hey, do you wanna see a real bear?"

  His eyes lit up. "Yeah!" he shouted and raised his arms "Rawr!"

  "Well…" I started nervously, "mommy's friend is going to take us to a place that has a ton of animals."

  "And bears?" he asked, wide-eyed.

  "Yup, and bears." As if Lizzy could sense my nerves, my phone rang. Ah crap.

  "Hey, Doll." I answered, biting my lip.

  "Where have you been?" Lizzy asked. "I've been trying to get a hold of you forever!"

  "You only called once, drama queen."

  "Same thing. Anyways, how does two pints of ice cream, a scary movie marathon and all the juicy details of my date sound?"

  "Sounds perfect, how about 8 O'clock?"

  The phone was silent for a moment.

  "Kitrina…" she drew out my name in accusation.

  "What?" I cringed.

  "Spill." Damn her and her stupid BFF telepathy.

  "Caden and I are going to the zoo." I rushed out before she could protest. "Just as friends, I swear! He knows everything about David and about Jack…" I waited for a response. Silence. "Lizzy?"

  "Okay… fine," she huffed out.

  That's it?

  "Are you mad at me?" I asked nervously.

  "Of course I'm not mad at you," she said. "I'm not gonna lie, I feel an intense desire to smack you upside your head, but I'll try and restrain myself."

  "Gee, thanks"

  "You're a big girl, Kitrina. You can make your own decision. I just want you to be careful."

  "I know. I will." I hope.

  We said our goodbyes and hung up just as there was a knock on the door. I walked nervously to the door and opened it. Caden was wearing dark blue jeans with a light gray sweater that clung to his muscles, making me want to reach out and grab his biceps. His iridescent blue eyes appraised me top to bottom and back up again. He blew out a low whistle.

  "You're not gonna make this easy, are you Kit?" he muttered in a husky voice. I ignored what he meant by that, refusing to let myself get excited.

  "um…come in." I opened the door wider. Jack stood by the hallway, hiding half his body; I motioned him forward. "Jack, come meet my friend." Jack walked slowly into the living room and wrapped his arms around my leg, peering cautiously up at Caden.

  Caden knelt down to his level with a big smile. "Hey Jack, I hear you like animals?" Caden said, reaching behind him and pulling something out of his back pocket. Jack curiously let go of my leg to lean forward. Caden held out a little stuffed brown bear. I smiled and cursed him in my head for being so perfect in that moment. Jack's eyes went wide and he looked up at me as if for permission.

  "Go ahead, buddy," I reassured him.

  Jack stepped forward and took the bear and hugged it to his chest. "Thank you," Jack said with a shy smile.

  Caden's grin spread as he ruffled Jack's hair. "Wanna go see some real animals?" Caden held up
his hand for a high five.

  "Yeah!" Jack high fived him and started talking about all the "cool" animals he wanted to see. I looked at Caden, grateful for his thoughtfulness. Thank you I mouthed.

  He smiled and held out his arm. "Shall we?"

  Caden managed to get the booster seat out of my car and into his massive SUV without any trouble. We buckled in and started driving. Caden reached for the buttons on his stereo. I cringed remembering the obnoxious music he had blasting through his speakers the first day I met him. I did a double take when kid's music started streaming quietly through his speakers. I stared open mouthed at him.

  "What?" he said laughing, "Don't look at me like that. It's not difficult to Google what toddlers are into these days."

  I turned around to look at Jack who was bopping his head and singing along to the music. I turned back and stared out the window, trying to hide my megawatt smile. I felt Caden's hand on mine. I looked at our intertwined fingers and glanced up at him. He was looking straight ahead into traffic. I didn't protest. Friends held hands. Right?

  We pulled into the zoo parking lot and Jack could barely contain his excitement which seemed to amuse Caden. We wandered through the various exhibits reading the animal fact plaques in front of each one. Jack couldn't see the lion that was sleeping in his cave, so Caden lifted him up and sat Jack on his shoulders, holdings his hands to keep him steady.

  "I see him, I see him!" Jack yelled. Caden and I both laughed. We headed to the food court for lunch. I argued with Caden for about fifteen minutes about who was paying for me and Jack. I told him I was perfectly capable of buying my own food, but he wouldn't have it. Not wanting to argue anymore, I held my hands up in surrender and let Caden go order for us.

  Jack attacked his cheeseburger and talked about all the animals and how cool they were with a full mouth.

  "Chew first, Jack," I told him, wiping off bits of his burger that flew out of his mouth and onto the tray.

  "Don't listen to her, she's no fun," Caden said with his mouth full. Jack laughed hysterically as I playfully smacked Caden. He gave me an innocent shrug. I was still laughing when an elderly couple walked up to our table.