Risk

by Marissa Holan

  I eventually tucked her into my bed for the night then checked on Jack before I made my way to the sofa. I sat there for a few minutes, just staring off into space, trying not to relive the events of the day. I lay down and pulled the blanket over myself. The feelings I had tamped down earlier started to bubble up, and I began to cry. I covered my mouth so no one could hear me, and quietly sobbed myself to sleep.

  The next morning Lizzy and I were buzzing all over town getting ready for the wedding. Neither of us could contain our excitement. A few times we just grabbed each others' hands and jumped up and down squealing. The clerk at the grocery store was not amused.

  It took a couple hours, but we were finally finished with our hair and makeup. We grabbed our dresses and headed to the chapel. Even though it wasn't me getting married, I still had knots in my stomach. I couldn't believe my best friend was going to be a wife.

  We snuck into the bridal room, making sure not to be seen by the groom, and quickly got dressed. Lizzy looked absolutely stunning. She wore a strapless white gown with a beaded bodice and flowing train. She looked like she stepped out of a fairy tale, especially when she donned the veil. I was getting choked up just looking at her.

  "Damn it, Kitrina, don't you dare," Lizzy said. "If you cry, I'm gonna cry, and I have no idea if this mascara is waterproof."

  "You just look so…" My voice broke. I couldn't help it. "Beautiful."

  "You don't look too shabby yourself there, sweet cheeks," she said, giving me a once over. "I think a certain someone is going to be none-too-pleased about all the attention you're going to get."

  I rolled my eyes. she was just changing the subject so we'd stop crying. "Whatever." I shrugged a shoulder like I didn't care either way. She gave me a knowing smirk. Couldn't fool that girl. She wasn't wrong though, my maid of honor dress was gorgeous. It was a royal purple satin spaghetti strap with a very low back. So low I couldn't wear a bra; I had to strap down the girls with some crazy boob-tape-sheet-thing from Victoria's Secret. The dress hugged every curve of my body until it flared slightly at my knees, then danced across the floor when I walked. I pinned my hair up on my right side with large crystal barrettes and let the curls fall over my left shoulder.

  "Eeek! you ready?" Lizzy asked, practically bouncing out of her heels.

  "Let's do it," I said as we and the rest of the bridesmaids walked to our position just outside the church doors.

  I could sense him before I could even see him. I looked up and found Caden standing in the front of his groomsmen line, looking absolutely mouth watering. His tux hugged him in all the right ways, and every black hair on his head was in perfect place. Just as my breathing began to quicken at the site of him, he looked up. His face was stone cold, like he was expecting to see me, like he also felt me when I walked in. But the moment his eyes grazed over me, his hard demeanor faltered. His jaw clenched and he swallowed hard. I turned to make sure the bridesmaid behind me had her flowers when I heard a harsh inhale of breath. I looked over my shoulder to find Caden's eyes staring at my exposed back. His eyes met mine and he immediately turned to face the other way. Apparently my low cut dress stirred something in him.

  I decided right then that I wasn't going to cry myself asleep again tonight. I was going to get the upper hand. The music que'd and I walked directly over to Caden and took his arm before he offered it. The chapel doors opened and Caden and I began our walk down the aisle. He was tense and staring straight ahead. I looked up at him with the sweetest most genuine smile I had in my back pocket. He didn't have a choice but to acknowledge me; he wasn't going to be a jerk in front of a room full of people.

  He tipped his head down toward me and I smiled wider. His eyes softened and if I looked extra close with a microscope, I could swear there was a faint smile tugging the corner of his lips. Inadvertently I bit my lip, which had him tensing and looking straight ahead again. It was driving me crazy not knowing what was going on in his mind.

  The ceremony was beautiful, and thankfully only about twenty minutes long. We all headed over to the reception hall for dinner and dancing. Caden's best man toast was heartfelt and moving. I on the other hand, took a more playful rout. The entire room was laughing at my little jokes; I could even see Caden from the corner of my eye chuckle. Of course it was Jack who stole the night when he grabbed the mic and told the room how much he loved his auntie Lizzy and asked if that made Kevin his uncle. Kevin cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted "You bet it does, buddy!" That got Lizzy's waterworks going.

  I was sitting at my table starting to zone out when I heard a man's voice,. "Hey, Kitrina, would you like to dance?" I looked up to find Keven's brother, the one who helped me with the centerpieces, standing beside me with a sheepish grin. He was too adorable to resist, so I smiled and placed my hand in his. He walked me to the dance floor then swung me in front of him and pulled me tight up against him. Whoa. This guy knew how to move. He twirled me around to the music, then placed an expert hand flat against the small of my back, just centimeters below where my dress ended and my skin began.

  "Where did you learn to dance like this?" I asked. "And don't say it's genetic." I gestured to where Lizzy and Kevin were just standing there swaying like they were at a junior high dance.

  That earned me a laugh. "I got in trouble in high school, so my parents forced me to take classical dance lessons. They thought it would give me structure and teach me patience and control." He smiled. It was a nice smile. I hadn't realized how handsome he was until that moment.

  "Looks like it paid off," I said as he dipped me.

  We danced for another song until I needed a break from the torture chambers I called shoes. My eyes scanned the room and found Caden, staring laser beams at Kevin's brother. Was he…jealous? No, he couldn't be.

  I sat at my table and started up a conversation with one of the other bridesmaids. When I got up to refill my water glass I passed Caden, who had a brand new accessory on his knee: A bouncing, blonde bimbo.

  Instant. Fury.

  Caden and I hadn't been together in months, and I was the one who ended it, so I really had no right to get angry. But there I was, ready to pounce and make bimbo meat for dinner. I put on a fake smile and strolled over to his table.

  Just as I got there, his head turned to me. "Hey, Kitrina." He nodded. Like, the guy-nod-thing? He might as well have said "sup." The sound of my full name coming from him was like a slap in the face.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "Caden," I 'greeted' him back. "Who's your friend?" I smiled extra wide as I turned to face slutty McSlutterson from Slutsville, Slutsachusets.

  Yup. I was jealous.

  "Kandi," the bimbo said as she smacked her gum and flipped her peroxide flat ironed hair over her shoulder.

  It took every ounce of restraint not to peel his hand off of her ass and physically remove her from his lap. I was not going to look at this crap all night, "Caden, a word?" I asked politely, gesturing to the hallway.

  He kept my gaze for a couple beats before he tapped she little skank's hip for her to get up. "I'll be right back." He winked at her.

  She batted her eyelashes and nodded while using her arms to push her cleavage together. If I slaped her hard enough, would the collagen in her lips fly out? I walked toward the hallway, far enough for some privacy.

  "What's up?" Caden asked with an annoyed tone.

  I rounded on him. "'what's up'? 'what's up'?" I dared him to keep playing dumb. "Kandi," I said in air quotes, "seems like a real catch." I placed my hands on my hips and cocked my head to the side. "Going back to your old ways, I see."

  "Whatever works, right?" Caden shrugged.

  Pain and anger swamin my stomach and I couldn't figure out which emotion to let verbally bitch-slap his smug face. "What the hell are you talking about? Why are you acting like this?" Anger it is. "First, you're a complete asshat to me all day yesterday, for no reason, and now you're groping some random ho-bag right in front of me?" As mad as I was, I could feel the pain see
p in as my eyes began to water. I swallowed back the tears. I was not going to let him see me cry.

  He narrowed his eyes at me. "I don't want to be in the same room as you. I don't want to be in the same city as you," he said through gritted teeth as he moved toward me. "I'm here because Kevin is my best friend. I am keeping my shit together the only way I know how, and if that means I'm a jerk, so be it."

  He had backed me up against the wall and I was wide eyed with shock at what he just said. Before I could help it, tears fell down my cheeks.

  "Don't you dare cry, Kit. You chose this." He pointed his finger at me. "You ended us." His voice began to break on his words. "You destroyed me." He stared into my eyes with what looked like hate. "So you don't get to cry."

  My heart plummeted into my stomach and I was sure I was going to puke. "I…I don't want to see that," I said with a shaky voice, gesturing to where Kandi was.

  "And you think I want to see you letting another man touch you? Put his hands on your waist? Press your body against his?" He was enraged. "I almost started a fight back there."

  "How can that bother you? You hate me so much you don't want to be in the same city as me." I got most of the words out without choking up.

  "Don't you get it, Kit?" He grabbed me by the shoulders and practically shook me. "I can't be near you because it hurts. It hurts so damn much I can't see straight." Now his eyes began to water. "It's bad enough to have to see you, to see how well you are and how happy you are without me…but seeing all of that in this," he eyed me up and down, gesturing to my dress, "it kills me."

  "Are you insane?" I glared at him, wiping my cheeks "If you think I'm happy, you're delusional. I had to use about ten coats of concealer to cover up the bags under my eyes from crying all night—which, by the way, has been my life for the last few months."

  Caden stared at me. It still felt like hate coming through his eyes. "Kit…" He sighed. "I…" he started, but then thought better of it and stepped back. He stared into my eyes for what felt like an eternity. "I'll tell Kandi to find another lap," he said quietly before walking away.

  I stopped by the ladies' room to fix my makeup and adjust my dress, making sure there was no evidence of an emotional brawl. Lizzy was to know none of this.

  "There she is!" Lizzy shouted as I made my way back to the table. "My bestie!" She swung her arms around me. "I'm married!" she shouted.

  I wrapped her in a bear hug. "I know! It's insane. I'm so happy for you!" We giggled and walked to the dance floor to do our obligatory best-friend-sappy-slow dance, holding hands and swaying to the music.

  "So," she said, "you open a can on silicone valley over there?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

  "I can't keep anything from you, can I?" I laughed. "No, I didn't. Just had a quick little chat with Caden. No big deal. Everything's good," I lied through my teeth.

  "I know what you're doing, Kitrina," she said as she twirled me, or at least attempted to. "I know you are so worried that you're going to cause a big scene and ruin the wedding. Well guess what? I wouldn't care if you did." She laughed. "Hell, might even make it more fun." She shrugged.

  "I just want to make sure this day is about you." I smiled at her.

  "And you have. It's been the best day of my life. But just because it's my wedding day doesn't mean you get the day off from being my best friend. I love you and I want you to be happy. And if that means causing a big dramatic scene at my wedding, I'm all for it." We both laughed and I pulled her in for a hug.

  "Are you going to be okay while I'm gone?" she whispered in my ear.

  "You don't have to babysit me, Lizzy. I'll be fine. I want you to have fun on your honeymoon." I pinched her for effect. "And bring me back something pretty."

  "Done and done." She giggled.

  I made it through the rest of the reception with no incident. Caden kept away from pretty much any and all females, and I turned down every offer to dance that came my way, except Kevin of course, but Caden knew that he was a brother to me now, so it didn't really count. Jack and I made it back to the apartment and I immediately flopped onto my bed, exhausted. Jack fell asleep on the sofa the minute he walked in the door. Poor little guy. Being a ring bearer was a hard day's work. I put my stuff on the kitchen counter just as my phone buzzed. It was a text from Lizzy.

  If I come home to find you spent two weeks moping in bed, I will cut you. xoxo

  I laughed and typed my response.

  pshh…yee of little faith. Have fun! xox

  I hit send and then tucked myself in for the night. I was basically b.s.ing Lizzy; it was going to be a long two weeks.

  Chapter 13

  I woke up Sunday morning pretty exhausted from the past couple days. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and saw that I had a text message. From Caden. My fingers hovered over the phone for about a minute as I debated if I really wanted to open it. After our conversation at the wedding, I was sure he was going to tell me to never talk to him again, or something equally as heart breaking. I cringed as I opened the message.

  Brandy or Monica?

  I threw my head back in a relieved laugh. I was still giggling to myself as I typed back:

  Just had a Nam flashback 2 my Jr. High formal. Yeesh.

  I hit send and threw my phone aside not expecting anything back for a while, but two seconds later my phone buzzed. I grabbed it like it was about to fall in a pool. excited much?

  Right?! These Yale chumps suck at this game.

  Hmm…Monica.

  Damn. Must be losin my touch.

  How much you lose this time?

  Just 20…letting the guys get the feel for it before I rob'em blind ;)

  Having trouble finding a new judge at Yale?

  I was trying to keep the conversation light, but as soon as I hit send, I realized that I might have come off bitchy. My phone was quiet for a few seconds before it buzzed again.

  Not looking for one.

  I'd be lying if I said it didn't put a smile on my face.

  So it's like a Supreme Court kinda gig? Lifetime appointment?

  Exactly :)

  I took my phone with me when I went to the kitchen to start Jack's breakfast. I sat on the kitchen counter smiling and laughing at each text message Caden sent.

  I kinda told my Torts Prof to suck it the other day

  Note to self: google 'torts'.

  Sounds like a wise choice.

  He didn't think I'd get the answer right. It was deserved.

  At least you're not cocky.

  lol…oh man I've missed you.

  Aaaaaaaand radio silence. I stared at my phone re-reading the last message over and over. I didn't want to make things awkward so I texted back as nonchalantly as I could.

  That's cause I'm awesome. Don't you forget it Tate ;)

  Couldn't if I tried Matthews.

  I needed to change the subject quickly. I didn't want to stop talking to him. It almost felt like it used to, back when we were best friends. Luckily he sent another text before I had a chance to figure out what to say.

  Send me a pic of the munchkin.

  Right on cue, Jack stammered into the kitchen rubbing his sleepy eyes. I lifted my phone and took a picture of him mid-yawn. I chuckled as I sent it to Caden.

  Ahh…miss that little dude.

  A sad smile crossed my face as I typed back:

  He misses you too :)

  Gotta run. I'll e-mail you later

  Sounds good.

  It was a little strange that he said he was going to e-mail me, but the whole morning was a little strange. I still didn't know why he texted me in the first place. Not that I was complaining. It was the best conversation we'd had in months. It made me wonder if it was possible to ever be friends again. It wasn't like I could rid him from my life; he was Kevin's best friend and Lizzy was mine. I would have to deal with Caden in my life somehow. I mean, Lizzy and Kevin were going to have kids someday, and they'd probably throw little kid birthday parties. I needed to face the fact t
hat I was going to have to get used to seeing Caden periodically throughout my life. I was going to have to be okay with seeing him with another girl…and eventually with his wife. That thought made me dizzy. Thinking about him being physical with another woman was tough, but actually seeing him love another woman…not sure if I could handle that. If I was going to keep my promise to Lizzy and not spend the next two weeks in the fetal position, I needed to get those kinds of thoughts out of my head. Immediately.

  Jack and I ate breakfast and talked about what we wanted to do that day. While he was in his room picking out toys to take to the park, I sat on the sofa with my laptop. I told myself I was just doing some studying for school, but really, I was just eyeballing my inbox.

  We made it to the park and I sat on the bench right near the play structure and opened my laptop again. I saw that I had an unread message in my inbox. I clicked it and began reading.

  To: Kitrina Matthews

  From: Caden Tate

  Subject: I never know what to put here

  Hey Kit,

  Sorry about earlier, I had to help a buddy of mine move into his apartment. I guess I should explain why I'm e-mailing you. I'm just going to be perfectly honest- I don't think I can talk to you on the phone…yet. Kev and I had a long talk, and he made it pretty clear that when he married Lizzy, he knew it was a packaged deal, and that I needed to "pull my head out of my ass and get over it" (no joke, his exact words). He had a point, we gotta figure how to get along for their sakes, otherwise special occasions are always gonna be awkward. I hope you understand and can get on board with this.

  P.S.

  I really liked talking to you this morning. Brought back some good memories.

  Caden

  Holy crap. It was like he read my mind. Not sure why it surprised me that we were thinking the exact same thing; once upon a time we used to be completely in sync. I peered over my laptop to check on Jack, who had found a playmate to go down the slides with. I turned my attention back to my screen and hit reply.