Risk

by Marissa Holan

  Two more weeks went by and I found myself in a rhythm. I got up, showered, worked, spent time with Jack, and slept. That was my routine from start to finish. Lizzy spent her days at my apartment watching Jack and most of her evenings with Kevin. I didn't ask about Caden. I didn't think my stomach could handle it.

  One Friday afternoon when I got home from work, Lizzy sprang some news on me. "It looks like Caden starts at Yale this fall." She kept her eyes on my laundry she was folding.

  I lost my balance for a moment and swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. "That's…that's great," I managed to choke out. And it was. The whole reason we broke up in the first place was because he was giving up his life to be with me. Knowing he was going to law school at least meant our breakup wasn't in vain.

  Lizzy stopped mid-fold and eyed me skeptically. "Kevin and the rest of the guys are taking a trip to Connecticut to check out the campus," she said nonchalantly as she continued folding. I wasn't sure why she was telling me this. Was she trying to torture me?

  "That sounds fun," I said as I sat on the floor next to her and pulled a towel out of the basket.

  Lizzy threw the t-shirt she was folding on the ground and let out an exasperated sigh. "Jeez, Kitrina, why don't you just go talk to him?" She threw her hands up in the air.

  "There's nothing to say," I muttered.

  She scoffed. "Oh there's plenty to say." She stood up and put her hands on her hips. "You two are clearly still in love with each other. I supported this little breakup because at the time, I thought you may have been right. But now…" She trailed off, shaking her head to herself. "Now I just don't know."

  "If he's going to Yale, then it's pretty clear I was right," I replied.

  "According to Kevin, he doesn't even want to go. He just wants to get away from his parents…and you," she said pointedly. I flinched. She let out a sigh and folded her arms. "He wants to get away from you because you hurt him, Kitrina." Her voice softened and she sat back down.

  I shook my head, trying not to let her sway me. It was too late.

  "He wanted Yale before he knew me. He'll want it again when he's moved on." I nodded, mostly to myself. "Someday he will be glad he didn't pass it up."

  Lizzy shook her head but didn't say anything after that.

  Chapter 12

  Graduation came and went. I didn't attend the ceremony. I just couldn't face Caden and the rest of my friends I would be saying goodbye to. Lizzy did go, however, and she made sure she took tons of pictures. I would look at them when I was ready. Kevin got a job at a local architecture firm, which made Lizzy blissfully happy that he wasn't going to move away. My job at the library had ended since in the morning I would officially be a student at U of M. Since summer was over and Lizzy and I were both in school now, Jack was back at the daycare across the street. From what I heard from Lizzy and Kevin, Caden had already settled in Connecticut even though he didn't start school there until late fall. I guessed he was just eager to get away. I still thought about him every day, and Jack still asked about him. I was still waking up in the middle of the night—not from Jack's nightmares, since those dissipated months ago, but from the silence. It was deafening how alone I was.

  Although there was still a gaping hole in my chest, I was much more pleasant to be around. I faked happiness for Jack's sake after David's death, so it was an easy rhythm to fall back into. Lizzy and Kevin even stopped walking on eggshells around me and started treating me like a normal sane person. I woke up the next morning with a little more hope. I was finally back in college, doing what I had set out to do: make a better life for me and Jack. I had Jack in one hand and my backpack in the other; it was time for a fresh start. Again.

  I opened the front door to find a huge bouquet of pink and white daisies, my favorite.

  "Pretty flowers, Mama," Jack said as he started poking the pedals.

  Something squeezed in my chest as I knelt down, picked up the vase, and carried it to the kitchen counter. I plucked the card from the middle of the daisies. My heart jumped into my throat when I opened it.

  Good Luck on your first day of school.

  I'm so proud of you.

  Yours Always,

  -C

  I closed my eyes and pressed the card against my chest. I quickly wiped away the tear that had escaped. I sniffed and took a deep breath.

  "Come on buddy, Mommy's got to go to school." I grabbed his hand and we made our way to the car.

  The day went by way too fast. It was kind of exhilarating being back in school, all the commotion and people bustling about. There were a few people who whispered and murmured my name with Caden's; even though he graduated, he was still a legend. It was just something I would have to get used to. We made it back to the apartment and I was still buzzing with energy. Jack sat on the couch while I made dinner. I put the flowers on the nightstand next to my bed so they were out of my way while I cooked. At least that's what I told myself. The reality was I was likely to snuggle up to the card all night. About ten minutes before dinner was ready my front door swung open.

  "Oh Kitriiiiiiiiinaaaaa," Lizzy sang as she floated into the apartment.

  "Hey Liz—" I took one look at her and about hit the roof. "No way!" I screeched as I grabbed her left hand that was now donning a very sparkly princess cut diamond.

  "Yes way!" she shouted as we both jumped up and down screaming like a couple of girls. I wrapped my arms around her and just about choked her to death.

  "I am so freaking happy for you!" Tears of joy were brimming over my eyes. She deserved to be happy more than anyone.

  "And you'll be my maid of honor, right?" She raised her eyebrows hopefully.

  "I'd better be!" I squealed, jumping up and down and clapping.

  "What's going on?" Jack peered up at us, wondering why we were giggling like idiots.

  Lizzy knelt down and put her hand on his shoulder. "Auntie Lizzy is getting married." She smiled at him. "And there is a very important job called the ring bearer that only you can do. Does that sound like a plan?" she asked as she kissed his cheek. I'm sure he had no clue what she was talking about but he smiled and nodded. Lizzy stood up and inhaled. She looked a bit hesitant and then she spoke. "Um…Kevin is going to ask Caden to be his best man." She winced, waiting for my reaction.

  I tilted my head and gave her a warm smile. "I think Caden would be honored," I replied supportively. Lizzy flung her arms around me. We both knew the thought of seeing him again made me sick. But this wasn't about me. This was about Lizzy, and I'd do anything to make her wedding day perfect.

  Lizzy and I spent the next two months holed up in my apartment nearly every day after school sifting through wedding books and magazines and eating…almonds. The one bummer about planning a wedding was that we needed to fit into dresses.

  The front door swung open. "Okay, Kitrina, I want my fiancé back," Kevin joked as he strode into the apartment. Lizzy was practically my sister, which made Kevin my future practically brother-in-law, so he'd earned barging in rights.

  "Hey, she's the one kidnapping me, not the other way around," I said, gesturing to the twenty or thirty wedding magazines sprawled all over my living room. "You've got a bridezilla on your hands, my friend." I laughed when Lizzy stuck her tongue out at me.

  Kevin sent Lizzy an adoring grin. He was so smitten with her; it made my chest constrict seeing them together. "Have you still not found a dress?" he asked her wide eyed. "Baby, the wedding is next month!" He looked like a mix between frustrated and amused.

  Because Jack and I were essentially the only people representing the bride's side of the family, the wedding would be small, so they both thought a three month engagement was long enough. I asked if she was knocked up. Turned out she was just insane.

  "Hey now, the dresses are none of your concern. You just need to make sure the groomsmen have their tuxes and that's it," she said with finality.

  "We're all set except Caden. He's getting his fitted when he flies in for the bachelor party
." He sat back on the couch next to Jack and started helping Jack with his transformer action figure.

  The mention of Caden's name still made my heart trip, but I hid it very well. So much so, that neither of them hesitated to talk about him around me anymore. I was glad they felt I was back to normal, but I still cried at night.

  "About this bachelor party…" Lizzy narrowed her eyes at him.

  He rolled his eyes and held up his hands palms out. "I know, I know…no strippers." He made a little cross over his heart.

  Lizzy smiled lovingly at him. "Just making sure," she said innocently. She had nothing to worry about; Kevin only had eyes for her.

  It was Friday, the day before the ceremony, and Lizzy and I pulled off the last of the wedding details in the nick of time. Literally. I was picking up the centerpieces in an hour.

  Although the last three weeks had been a crazy whirlwind, it was nice to have a distraction to keep me from obsessing over the fact that I was going to see Caden tonight at the dress rehearsal. I could tell Lizzy was nervous about it from the sidelong glances she had been shooting my way all day. I wasn't worried though. I had given myself a hardcore pep-talk about being an adult and a good friend and all that jazz; I was fairly confident I could pull this off. It might hurt like hell afterwards, but I could make it through these next two days.

  Jack and I picked up the centerpieces from the florist on the way to the rehearsal, since the reception was in a little dining hall next door to the chapel. I figured I could just leave them there overnight. I parked the car on the curb right outside the chapel and unbuckled Jack from his seat. I made my way to the trunk to get the center pieces when I heard Jack's excited shriek and watched him take off at lightening speed.

  "Caden!" Jack yelled.

  My stomach rolled and I bit back tears.

  Game time.

  I peered around the large centerpiece I was holding and watched as Jack ran full speed to Caden, who was standing near the side of the church building talking with another groomsman. Caden's smile spread from ear to ear as he bent down and scooped up Jack. My heart skipped a beat as memories flooded through me. I missed watching them together. I squared my shoulders and walked toward Caden, who was still hugging Jack. Caden's eyes gazed up as I approached. His expression was unreadable. If I hadn't seen the muscle in his jaw twitch, I would think seeing me didn't affect him at all. He slowly lowered Jack to the ground.

  "Hey, Kit." Caden's voice was low and deep. It struck me like a slap in the face how much I had missed his voice.

  "Hi, Caden," I replied, offering him a polite smile.

  The groomsman Caden had been talking to—Kevin's brother, I think—looked a bit uncomfortable. "Here, let me get that for you," he said as he pulled the centerpiece from my hands. "Where does this thing go?" he asked, frowning at it.

  I was pretty sure he had no idea what it was. Men.

  "In the dining hall, thanks." I gave him an appreciative smile.

  He turned toward the other building and walked away, leaving Caden and me alone. Well, Jack was there too, but he was clinging to Caden's leg, pretty oblivious to anything going on. The awkward silence seemed to last forever, so I decided to put my big girl underoos on and speak up.

  "So…how is school?" I asked, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt to keep my nervous fingers busy.

  Caden just stared at me for a minute, his gaze dropping to my fingers and then back up before he spoke. "It's okay I guess." He shrugged. "How's school for you?" He was absently rubbing the top of Jack's head.

  "It's great." I gave a weak smile. Yup. That's it. Time for me to tap out. Five minutes was my limit; I needed a distraction before I broke down, and I was not breaking down at Lizzy's wedding.

  "I'd better get the rest of the centerpieces," was all I said before I turned and walked back to the car. I could feel his eyes searing a hole in my back. Kevin's brother jogged up next to me to help. When I turned around, Caden and Jack were gone.

  I would be lying if I said the evening wasn't awkward. First we had to practice walking down the aisle and figuring out who stood where. Of course since I was the maid of honor and Caden was the best man, we would be walking down the aisle together. I was nauseous as I waited for the music que. I snuck a peek to my right, were the men were lined up to try and gauge how Caden was feeling. His face was stone cold as he stared straight ahead of him. I was sure he could sense me looking at him, but he didn't budge. It was clear the absolute last thing he wanted to do was take my arm and walk down the aisle with me. I'm not sure what I expected. It wasn't like I was looking forward to this either, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of rejection. The first note of the piano played and I counted to three in my head before I stepped forward.

  Caden was still staring ahead of him as he put his elbow out for me to grab. The minute I touched him my entire body buzzed. My emotions were all over the place. I had been longing to touch him for so long that the feeling sent a wash of relief through my body, but was soon followed by a pang of sorrow at how cold and distant the contact felt. It was almost as if Caden was purposefully making this as stiff and impersonal as possible. I refused to let it get to me and swallowed back the tears that threatened to make an appearance. I kept chanting 'Lizzy's day' over and over in my head to keep me focused.

  After the rehearsal we all went to Olive Garden for the rehearsal dinner. I made sure to give myself a few minutes to myself in the car before I got out. This was so much more difficult than I had anticipated. Looking in my rearview mirror, I could see Jack smiling and content. At least he was getting through this day.

  Jack and I sat at the opposite end of the table from Caden; of course it wasn't long before Jack ran over to him. Little traitor. Caden kept up conversation with the other groomsmen across the table while Jack saton his lap playing with the silverware. More than once I caught myself gazing longingly at the two of them together. Memories swirled in my mind and squeezed my heart. While Jack had Caden's complete attention, he never once looked in my direction. I could feel my sadness slowly turn into anger. Why did he have to be such a blatant jerk? Couldn't he at least fake civility?

  "Whoa, who peed in your Carbonara?" Lizzy said a little too loudly and giggled as she sipped her champagne. Suddenly I had twelve sets of eyes on me, including Caden's.

  "Huh?" I looked up at her with wide doe eyes, playing dumb.

  She snickered and rolled her eyes. "You're staring daggers, Kitrina. What's the dealio, yo?" Her head tipped back as she laughed at herself. Keven chuckled as he slid her champagne glass out of her reach.

  Realizing I was caught, I dared a peek at Caden, who was glaring at me. I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and practically ran to the bathroom.

  I locked myself in a stall and just sat there, trying to figure out why I was acting so crazy. I let a few tears of frustration fall, then I finally got it together. I walked out of the ladies' room only to come face to face with Caden. His arms are crossed and his eyes were hard. His presence startled me and my breath hitched before I relaxed and looked up into his eyes.

  His face softened and he tilted his head. "You've been crying."

  "No I haven't," I lied.

  "Liar," he said with a ghost of a smirk. "What's up with you, Kit?"

  "Me?" I nearly shouted; I was so stunned. "I'm not the one who has been acting like a complete jackass all day." I crossed my arms, my sadness quickly turning to irritation.

  "Look, Kit. I'm doing the best I can." He blew out an exasperated breath. "I'm not about to get in an argument in the middle of Kev's rehearsal dinner." His voice was strained with frustration and that cold look was back. "If you want to send me nasty looks across the table for God knows what reason, then just don't look at me at all. This weekend is about our friends, not us." He turned and walked back to the table, leaving me with my jaw on the floor.

  I was annoyed that Caden had just scolded me like a toddler, but even more annoyed that he was right. I'd spent most of the day obsessing
over being in the same room as him rather than focusing my attention on Lizzy. I shook off my irritation, plastered a great big smile on my face, and marched back to the table.

  The rest of the night was a success. I pushed any feelings about Caden as far down as I could. By the time dinner was over I practically forgot he was even sitting at the table. Of course that could be because I took his advice and didn't look at him once.

  I slung Lizzy's arm over my shoulder and walked her outside to my car; she was in no shape to drive.

  "I can take her," Kevin offered as I lifted her into the passenger side.

  "No, sir. No seeing the bride before the wedding," I replied as I shut the door and made my way to the driver's side. I slid behind the wheel and buckled up.

  "Ooooh I know!" Lizzy's bubbly voice drowned out the radio. "Let's go to Chip & Dales," she mock whispered and then giggled mischievously. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help but laugh.

  "If you have a 'no strip club' rule for Kevin, I think it's only fair we extend him the same courtesy."

  "Courtesy-shmertesy," she scoffed. "Let's do something! The night is still young!"

  "Yeah right. If I deliver you to Kevin tomorrow hung over with bags under your eyes, I'm going to get a severe talking to. Plus, you don't want to mess up your wedding photos," I reminded her.

  She pondered that for a while. "Good point," she finally agreed.

  We went back to my place and made some popcorn and hot chocolate. We spent the rest of the night talking about her future and what it would be like to be married. She gushed about Kevin and what their future kids would look like and I gave her my undivided attention. For the first time in Lizzy's life she felt like she had something normal, something real and good. I could see in her eyes the joy she felt that she was starting a family of her own, and she was going to make the best wife and mother in the world. If anyone deserved a happy ending, there was no doubt in my mind it was Lizzy.