Risk

by Marissa Holan

  She stood up before I could respond and walked to the door. Before she closed the door behind her, she looked over her shoulder. "I hope you will do the right thing." The door shut and I was a statue. I feel like I had just been punched in the gut a few times before taking one to the jaw. Before I could even get my thoughts in order, I broke down crying.

  I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, hoping I could hide my twenty minute sobbing session. I put some concealer under my eyes to cover up the redness. Caden walked in just as I went to the kitchen to start dinner.

  "Hey beautiful, what's cook'n?" He asked cheerfully as he came up and wrapped his arms around me.

  "Um…I haven't decided yet," I replied, trying to match his enthusiasm and totally failing.

  "Sorry it took so long," he said as he swayed us back and forth playfully. "With as much money as my mom has you would think she'd know how to switch banks on her own, right?" He laughed and I could practically hear him rolling his eyes.

  "Thats…funny," I sputtered out.

  He grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around, narrowing his eyes at me. "Okay, what's up?" Caden crossed his arms and gave me an expectant look.

  I didn't say Anything. I just walked to the sofa and pulled a blanket over me. What was I supposed to say? Hey, your mom just bribed me to stay away from you, and oh yeah, b.t.w. I'm completely ruining your life. I didn't think so. I just kept my eyes on the ground.

  The sofa dipped next to me and Caden wrapped an arm around my shoulder. He used his other hand to tip my chin up to look at him. "Hey," he said softer. "Baby, what's wrong?" His eyes were full of concern.

  Oddly enough, I didn't want to rat his mom out. I knew he would be furious with her, and although I was definitely not her biggest fan, I saw it in her eyes how much she loved him. I didn't want to come between a mother and her son. So I went a different direction.

  "Lizzy and I…" ugh, I totally hated admitting I was snooping, "We took a…tour. Of the house. Of your room." I looked up at Caden sheepishly. He was still waiting for the bombshell.

  "So?" he asked. "I don't care that you were in my room." He shrugged.

  Frustration bubbled up in me and I wasn't about to play twenty questions, so I just spit it out. "Why didn't you tell me you applied to law school?" I blurted out. His head snapped back like that was the last thing he expected me to say.

  "Kit." He shook his head searching for words. "How did you…?"

  "We found your acceptance letter." His eyebrows shot up. "And before you get all pissy that we invaded your personal space and all that crap, I will remind you that you have never said a word to me about law school." I crossed my arms defiantly. Caden's face softened and he started to laugh. I scowled at him, not finding any part of this conversation amusing.

  "Is that what this is about?" He asked, still laughing.

  "Uh…yeah, it's kind of a big deal, Caden." I was getting seriously pissed that he wasn't being serious.

  "No it's not, Kit. I'm not going. It's a moot point." He leaned back and stretched his arms. The part of me that loved Caden was relieved, and the part of me that really loved Caden was angry. I didn't want him to pass up this opportunity.

  "Caden…you have to go," I said, surprising myself.

  He narrowed his eyes like I insulted him. "No. Actually, I don't. I have you, I don't need Yale," he replied.

  All of the anger and betrayal I felt earlier vanished. He didn't tell me about Yale because he didn't plan to go. But now, my anger was replaced by guilt and a very heavy, sinking feeling. Margaret was right. I spent so much time thinking about me and Jack and how Caden leaving would affect us. I had been so self absorbed that I completely lost sight of Caden's needs. If he wasn't going to Yale because of us…well, I just couldn't accept that. I couldn't do that to him. Tears stung my eyes and I swallowed hard. I knew what I had to do, I just didn't want to do it.

  "This isn't going to work." My voice cracked. I sucked in a breath and summoned all the strength I had to not be selfish as I looked him dead in the eyes. "This is over, Caden."

  He stared at me dumbfounded, as if trying to figure out if I was being serious. He must have read something in my face because his eyes widened and he shot up like lightning. "What? No—"

  "Don't." I cut him off as I stood.

  Caden stared at me wide eyed with his jaw about to unhinge. "No!" he practically shouted and grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to him.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest when he started to squeeze me tighter. Tears streamed down my face as I pushed myself further and further into my resolve.

  "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  His chest began moving rapidly and I could feel him shaking his head. "Don't. Don't do this." His voice was strangled. He sounded so vulnerable. My insides started to crumble. I tried to push off of him but his vice grip refused to let go.

  "Caden…" I pushed harder. He slid down onto his knees, his arms wrapped around my hips and his face buried in my abdomen.

  "I love you, Kit. I love you." His voice was muffled against my shirt and the last part came out in an angry sob as I dared a peek at him.

  I ran my fingers through his hair and gently tilted his head back so I could look down at him. His eyes were closed, but I could see the tears. I couldn't do this anymore. One more second and I would completely cave in and take back everything I just said. I closed my eyes and thought about Jack and about David and what they taught me about love. Real love was unselfish. If I really loved Caden, this was what I had to do. I had to let him go. I was holding him back. I was keeping him from his dream and an amazing life with opportunities I could only dream of.

  "I love you too." I finally broke away from his hold. "It's why I can't do this anymore." Tears fell from my eyes one after another, but I stood my ground. Caden looked absolutely panicked; he rammed both of his hands forcefully through his hair as he stood up.

  "This is insane, Kit. I don't want to go to law school!" he shouted.

  "Then why did you apply?" I shouted back, throwing my hands in the air.

  "I applied before I met you!"

  It was that exact moment that I knew without a doubt I was doing the right thing. Caden realized what he said and dropped his arms. He kept his watery gaze on me as he let the reality sink in.

  "Mama?" Jack's meek little voice startled us as we both turned out heads to find him holding his Daddy-bear and looking up at us nervously.

  His eyes focused on me then Caden. His face dropped; he was a very perceptive little four year old. My fear had come to fruition. Jack was about to lose another man in his life and it was all my fault. My throat went dry and the pain hollowed me. I turned my gaze to Caden, and I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what I was thinking. He looked back and Jack and winced. He knelt down to Jack's level and wrapped his arms around him.

  "Are you going away?" Jack asked as his eyes brimmed with tears.

  I lost it. I threw my hand over my mouth to stifle my sob. I turned around so Jack couldn't see me. I heard Caden whispering something to Jack but I couldn't make out what he was saying. I wrapped one arm around myself and kept my other over my mouth to silence my crying. A minute later I heard the front door open then close.

  "Get out of bed," Lizzy ordered. "You need to get in the shower, you smell." She threw my covers off of me. I grumbled something unintelligible and rolled over. She put her hands on her hips and let out a sigh. "I will start undressing you right here and give you a sponge bath if I have to," she threatened, fairly convincingly too. I cringed.

  Lizzy had packed up two suitcases worth of clothes and essentially moved in the day after the breakup. Thank God, because I was a completely useless zombie. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom or to spend time with Jack, but even that was difficult. Lizzy ended up telling the library I had the swine flu or something equally dramatic and wouldn't be in for a while.

  "It's been a week, Kitrina," she said. "If you don't g
et in the damn shower, I'm calling hazmat."

  Taking her threat seriously, I surrendered and rolled out of bed.

  "'Atta girl." Lizzy smacked my butt as I stalked passed her toward the bathroom.

  I turned on the tap as hot as I could stand it. I climbed in and let the scalding water pour over me. I went through the motions of washing my hair and body. By the time I rinsed off, I leaned against the wall and slid down. I didn't cry. I didn't think I was physically capable of crying. After the breakup I spent three days straight crying in my bed. Lizzy felt that was a good time to take Jack on an overnight vacation to some theme park that was five hours away. Once again, I owed her big time.

  There was a knock at the door. "Did you drown?" Lizzy asked as she knocked again. I stood up and turned off the water. I wrapped a towel around myself and opened the bathroom door. "She's alive!" Lizzy said in her Frankenstein voice, complete with jazz hands. I gave a halfhearted smile and made my way back to bed. "Ooooh no ya don't." Lizzy grabbed me by my shoulders like a toddler and steered me toward the closet. "Get dressed and come eat. I have been neglecting Kevin for a week and I promised him I'd go see him today so you need to suck it up and step back into your life, if only for a few hours." She sounded exasperated.

  Guilt washed over me. Lizzy was so amazing. I just mentally checked out and left her to do everything, including taking care of Jack. I was so selfish.

  Lizzie's face softened as if she could read my mind. "Then when I get back we'll eat some ice cream and watch Lifetime made for TV movies." She ran her hand down my arm. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her.

  "I love you so much," I whispered.

  "I love you too." She squeezed me tight. "Now get your ass in gear." She turned on her heel and left the room.

  I got dressed—if yoga pants and a sweatshirt constituted dressed—and made my way to the living room where Jack was finishing up his breakfast. There was a plate on the table for me, but I wasn't hungry. I was sure I'd dropped about five pounds in the past week. All I could manage to choke down was some hot chocolate and some carrots.

  "Hi, Mama!" Jack said. "Wanna play with me?" He sounded so hopeful. Another pang of guilt zipped through me. I felt like such a terrible mother. First I let Jack down with Caden, then I go M.I.A. for a week. I smiled at his sweet little face.

  "Absolutely!" I put a lot of umph into the word.

  He flew out of his chair and ran to his bedroom to retrieve some toys. Lizzy was standing by the couch digging in her purse. I walked over and sat down. "So what are you and Kevin gonna do today?" I asked like I was just making small talk.

  Lizzy gave me a sidelong glance. She knew what I was fishing for. She was going to the frat house. Where he was. "I think we might see a movie or something." She shrugged nonchalantly.

  Jack came barreling down the hall with a bucket full of little trucks and racecars. I slid off the couch and crossed my legs on the floor, ready to do some serious playing.

  "Okay, you two, be good while I'm gone." Lizzy kissed the top of Jack's head and shot me a hang in there smile. "Call if you need me," she said as she made her way out the door.

  Jack and I spent the next three hours playing until he finally passed out. I carried him to his bed and went back to the living room to pick up the toys that were strewn all over the place. I was relieved that Jack hadn't asked about Caden. I overheard him asking Lizzy about Caden a few times in the past couple days, and Lizzy very diplomatically sidestepped the questions altogether. I needed to learn that trick.

  I lay down on the couch and rested my head on a throw pillow. I didn't bother turning on the TV, I just kept myself company with my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to not think about Caden, but it was nearly impossible. Everything led back to him. I ached for him. Before I was able to get too carried away with my thoughts, the front door opened. I sat up, not wanting Lizzy to see me lying down any more than she already had.

  "Hey, hot mama," Lizzy sang as she walked in with two large grocery bags.

  "Hey, how was the movie?" I made it a point to sound extra happy and interested.

  "Oh we decided not to go. We just hung out instead," she said over her shoulder as she put food away. She plucked two mugs out of the cupboard and a gallon of milk from the fridge. She glanced up at me as she poured the milk. I smiled at her knowing look.

  "Just ask already, Kitrina." Lizzy rolled her eyes and proceeded to stir chocolate powder into the mugs. Ah, screw it.

  "Did you see him?" I pulled my knees up to my chest.

  "Yep," she replied as she placed the two mugs in the microwave.

  "How…how was he?" I tried and failed to sound neutral.

  Lizzy leaned her hip against the counter while she waited for the microwave to beep. "You really want to know?" she challenged.

  My stomach dropped.

  "Yes." I took a deep breath.

  The microwave beeped and Lizzy pulled out the two steaming mugs. She made her way to the couch and placed a mug on the coffee table in front of me. Sitting beside me, she curled her legs under her, sipping hot chocolate. She kept her eyes on me over the rim of her mug, assessing my mental stability.

  "He's miserable, Kitrina," she finally said.

  My heart sunk. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to be happy, but I also wanted him to miss me.

  "He doesn't even look like himself," she mused.

  I frowned.

  We sipped on our hot chocolate in silence for a few minutes until she spoke up again. "He asked about you," she said, keeping her eyes on me to study my reaction.

  Something tugged in my chest. "What…did you say?" I asked cautiously.

  "I told him the truth?" She shrugged unapologetically.

  "You told him I smelled?" I deadpanned.

  She spit up her hot chocolate in a fit of laughter. Even I couldn't keep a grin off my face.

  It was quiet for another moment before she answered. "I told him you don't eat,and that you cry yourself to sleep every night." She gave me a sad smile.

  Well that sucked. I looked into my mug, swirling the last bit of hot chocolate around.

  "I asked him why he didn't just march his dumbass over here and knock some sense into you," she said, taking a sip of her drink. "He said he didn't want to hurt or confuse Jack if it didn't work, and I guess he thinks it wouldn't work." She shrugged. "After that, he pretty much shut himself in his room for the rest of the day. Kevin says that's all he does. Stays in his room all day." She sighed. "Well this is kind of a bummer conversation, so what do you say we get on with the ice cream and cheesy movie plan?" She perked up her voice and bounced off the couch toward the freezer.

  I stayed frozen on the sofa. Even broken up, Caden was putting Jack first. It gave me the sweetest pain in my heart.

  Jack woke up from his nap just in time to grab a spoon and sit between me and Lizzy on the couch. We spent the rest of the night sharing tubs of ice cream and watching B movies. Lizzy made me laugh a few times and Jack snuggled up to me, putting a smile on my face. My heart still hurt, but all in all, it was a better day than it was yesterday. At least I was out of bed.

  The next morning, I got out of bed again. And the morning after that as well. I decided it was time for my pity party to be over and go back to work. Marcy seemed happy to have me back, but kept a safe distance, probably trying to avoid whatever "sickness" had me absent the past ten days. The library was quiet except for the occasional summer school students, so I was surprised to see Taylor and Ryan saunter through the front doors. A smile spread across my face and I realized I had missed the friends I had made through Caden.

  "Hey, guys." I greeted them with a warm smile.

  They seemed surprised to see me, and a little nervous for some reason. "Hey, Kitrina," they said in unison, both sets of eyes heavy with sympathy.

  I pretended not to notice and continued to make small talk. "What are you guys doing here?"

  "We're picking up our cap and gowns." Taylor shr
ugged.

  Oh crap, I totally forgot. The cap and gown pre-orders were in the back room of the library. My chest constricted when I realized that Caden would also be graduating. They were both eyeing me warily like I could break down at any minute, so I tried to keep my smile in place.

  "Oh great, I'll go get those for you guys." I turned on my heel and headed to the back of the library. It took me a while to find their orders because apparently nobody had the bright idea to put them in alphabetical order. I stacked the two boxes and carried them out to the front.

  "Sorry it took me so long, some idiot—" I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Taylor and Ryan trying to drag a very confused looking Caden out of the library. All three of their heads turned when they heard me, and Taylor cursed under his breath. That's when I realized why they looked so nervous. They knew Caden was coming in too;. they were trying to get him out before he saw me. An intense awkward silence followed as Caden and I just stared at each other. It was the first time we saw each other since the breakup. Lizzy was right, he did look different. He was still achingly gorgeous, but he looked…tired.

  Ryan crept up on me and plucked the boxes from my hands, giving me an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Kitrina, we gotta go meet the guys." He exchanged glances with Taylor. Taylor started to pull on Caden's arm again.

  "Come on, man," Taylor whispered to Caden as he led him toward the front doors.

  Caden just walked backwards, keeping his eyes on me as he let Taylor drag him out. By the time he made it outside he turned around and Taylor and Ryan patted his back. Something in my stomach tipped and I knew I was going to be sick. I made it quickly to the ladies' room and leaned over the toilet and threw up. I splashed water on my face and rinsed my mouth out before I went back out to work. Marcy was standing at the front desk with a concerned look on her face.

  "If you're still sick, honey, you should go home." Marcy gave me a very stern motherly look. It almost made me smile.

  "I'm fine. False alarm," I lied.

  She looked like she didn't buy it, but she didn't press any further. I made it through the rest of my shift without getting sick. As long as I didn't think about Caden I was fine. The problem was, I couldn't think of anything else.