Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  In dark navy slacks, a white shirt, and a dark blue tie, he looked like every bit the shrewd businessman I’d read about. But after last night, I also knew he was a father, and that made him more human to me. The rest of the world hadn’t had the chance to see that side of him yet.

  Caleb opened his mouth to speak, but was interjected by a knock on the door. It opened, and an older woman walked in. Caleb greeted her, and she kissed his cheek before turning to me.

  “Kadence,” he motioned towards me. “This is Andrea. She’s the head stylist at Nordstrom.”

  I shook the woman’s hand, very aware that her gaze was scrutinizing. Her black hair was tied up in a high ponytail, and her crisp suit showed off her slender physique. She was exactly the type of woman I could picture Caleb with; someone worldlier and more experienced. The thought alone irritated me.

  “It’s a pleasure,” I said. I turned back to Caleb. “I can come back another time, when you’re not busy.”

  “She’s here to see you,” he replied. “Your wardrobe is…” his eyes traveled from the top of my head to the tips of my heels, “Lacking.”

  “Excuse me?” My voice hitched, and I felt my face warm. His jibe was unnecessary, especially in front of a complete stranger.

  “You need some new clothes,” said Caleb. “You represent my company, and I can’t have you looking like that.” He waved his hand in front of me, and I struggled to keep from feeling both hurt and humiliated.

  Something flashed in Caleb’s eyes when he caught my withering expression, but it was gone before I could blink.

  “I’m sorry to have wasted your time,” I told Andrea. “Mr. Callahan will compensate you, I’m sure. Now,” I glared at Caleb, “I have to get back to work.”

  My heels clicked loudly as I walked out with as much dignity as I could muster. Caleb had a terrible habit of making me feel no taller than a few inches, and I hated myself for allowing his words to burrow their way into my head.

  AALIYAH MADE GOOD on her promise to take me to lunch, and after a delicious meal, we took a slow walk back to our office. We kept the conversation light, but I could tell Aaliyah was dying to ask about what was going on between Caleb and me. She was practically bouncing in her seat at lunch, her eyes aglow with child-like keenness. I’d tried to convince her there was nothing to talk about, but she was like a dog with a bone, and eventually I gave her just enough information to mollify her. I didn’t tell her everything, especially not that I was living with Caleb, because becoming the next source of office gossip was not on my agenda. I was distracted, so I allowed Aaliyah to steer our casual tête-à-tête. I wasn’t even sure what she was yapping about, and by the time we got back to Park Avenue, I had little to no recollection of the walk from Bryant Park.

  My phone rang, and I pursed my lips when I didn’t recognize the number. At first I debated not answering, considering that the only person who actually had this number was my mother, but chose to find out who was looking for me.

  “Hello?”

  An aged male voice crackled through. “Uh, hello. Is that Ms. Kavanagh?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry to bother you. It’s Paul, the doorman at the Puck Building. Mr. Callahan gave me your name and number, and I thought I’d give you a call since I can’t reach him.”

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, my mind immediately jumping to Braelynn.

  “Well that’s why I’m calling,” said Paul. He sounded nervous, and unsure, and that wasn’t helping the sudden flurry of anxiety in my stomach. “Danielle, the Nanny that has been looking after Caleb’s daughter left the building an hour ago without the baby, and hasn’t been back. There’s no one else in the penthouse -”

  “I’m on my way,” I interrupted loudly. Aaliyah stopped in front of the doors to Callahan Industries, and frowned.

  “What’s going on?” she mouthed.

  I shook my head, and ended the call before stepping into the street to hail a cab.

  “Call Caleb,” I told her. “Tell him I’m on my way to his place, and to meet me there as soon as he can.”

  “Kadence, tell me what’s going on.”

  “No time.” A cab pulled up next to me at the curb, and I looked back at Aaliyah one more time. “Please, call Caleb, and if he doesn’t answer, keeping calling until he does.”

  Her lips moved, but her response was already silenced from the inside of the cab. I watched as she ran into the building, and then told the cab driver where I needed to go. A few minutes, and several traffic violations later, the cab screeched to a stop outside the Puck building. I threw what little money I had in my purse at the driver, and flung myself out of the cab. My feet carried me to the elevators, and it felt like I’d stopped breathing while I made my way to the penthouse. Paul let me in – Caleb hadn’t given me keys – and I picked up my pace until I was standing in the nursery. Braelynn was screaming, tears staining her little red face and her small hands bunched into fists. Without hesitation, I picked her up, and cradled her to my chest, careful to support her head in the crook of my arm.

  “There, there,” I cooed gently, brushing my fingertips over her soft hair. “I’m here, sweet girl.”

  Braelynn calmed, and made a suckling noise with her mouth. I had no idea what her feeding schedule was, but I was willing to bet that she was hungry. I looked over my shoulder at Paul, getting a good look at him for the first time. He was an older gentleman with white hair, aged features, and surprisingly kind eyes. “It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll keep an eye on her until Mr. Callahan gets back.”

  He looked at me with open suspicion, probably wondering whether or not to trust me, but then Braelynn stopped crying and I guessed that was all the proof he needed that she was okay.

  “I’m going to keep calling Mr. Callahan,” he replied gruffly.

  “That’s fine.” My gaze fell back to Braelynn. “I’ll feed the little Miss, and see if she needs to be changed.”

  Paul grouched something unintelligible, and as soon as he left, I went about changing Braelynn. I buttoned up her baby grow, wrapped her up in her pink blanket, and ventured into the kitchen to find her bottles. Caleb had her formula labeled, along with everything else she needed, and once I’d sterilized and warmed her bottle in the fancy bottle warmer, I settled onto the sofa and placed the bottle in Braelynn’s mouth. She took it ardently, and ate with as much gusto that a newborn could. She had quite the appetite for such a small thing.

  I watched her in awe, feeling unfamiliar warmth fill my chest. I could’ve sat there for minutes, or for hours, it didn’t matter. I was so enraptured by Braelynn that it felt like I’d lost all conception of time.

  I forgot all about what happened with Caleb in his office, and even forgot about how hard the past few days had been.

  When she was done eating, I burped her, and slowly rocked her to sleep. I was putting her back down in her crib when Caleb burst through the door. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me, his chest heaving with breathlessness.

  He opened his mouth, but I put my hand up, signaling for him to give me a minute. I turned the mobile on above Braelynn’s crib, and stepped away. I followed Caleb out as he shut the door, and turned to face him.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked angrily. His face was taut, and if I weren’t already so pissed with him, his palpable concern for his daughter would have been enough to give way to sympathy. But he’d been an asshole earlier, and my disposition wasn’t exactly forgiving.

  “Is that your version of ‘thank-you’?” I bit out.

  Caleb’s scowl was thunderous, his sharp brows drawn down with disapproval. “I’d like to know what you’re doing here, before I thank you for something I know nothing about.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I fixed him with as hard a look as I could muster. I was smaller, and shorter than Caleb, but that didn’t mean I was going to allow him to bully me.

  “Paul called me when he couldn’t reach you. He said Danielle left earlier,
and never came back, so I got in a cab and came straight here. Braelynn was screaming when I got here, and as soon as Paul left I changed her diaper, and fed her.”

  Caleb blew out a breath from between his pursed lips.

  When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to say anything resembling appreciation, or gratitude, I said, “You’re welcome.”

  I walked towards the guestroom, and slipped my heels from my feet. Caleb followed me, I could feel his presence at my back, but I remained quiet.

  “Why would you come?” The question was unexpected, but what bothered me was how it was delivered. He should have just come right out and asked me how I could have the nerve to answer a call for help concerning his daughter.

  “I knew Braelynn was alone.” I didn’t bother turning around. “I wasn’t about to leave a newborn to fend for herself until you got here. Why is it so damn hard for you to thank me and just get it over with?”

  I was so fixated on the irritation winding its way through my chest that I didn’t realize what I was doing. I lifted my blouse over my head, and faced Caleb. His eyes widened slightly, and he took a step back. I was standing in my skirt, and my white lacy bra.

  Awareness dawned, and I moved to cover my breasts but my inner rebel opposed the idea. I placed my hands on my hips, and watched as Caleb’s eyes traveled the length of me. If he could get away with not apologizing for being an asshole, then I felt it was my responsibility to inflict some kind of punishment, and what better way than to make him uncomfortable.

  His stance was rigid, his chest faltering slightly with a hitched breath, and his hands clenched. He suddenly looked furious with me, and that in turn changed my sense of triumph into bewilderment. I never knew where I stood with this man, and constantly trying to determine how he was going to talk to me, how he was going to treat me, was taxing.

  “I know what you’re doing.” The bass of his voice traveled deep enough to rattle my bones, and sent blood rushing to my cheeks. That was starting to become a conditioned response around him, and if I had any hope of surviving an entire week in such close proximity to him, I had to change that.

  “What am I doing?” I asked softly.

  “You’re trying to distract me.” Caleb swallowed, and his noticeable discomfort somehow grounded me, reminding me that the feelings I had, were for the twenty-five-year-old version of him.

  “Actually, all I want is an apology, followed by a thank-you.”

  “Apology? For what?”

  That was like a bucket of ice-cold water.

  “For humiliating me in your office this morning.”

  Something akin to contempt hardened Caleb’s already sharp features, and he stepped so close I could feel his breath.

  “I won’t apologize,” his voice lowered. “I gave you a roof over your head, and the least you could do is dress like you’re no longer homeless.”

  If ever I was looking for a sign that the man who’d taken my first kiss was no longer there, no matter how deep he may have been buried, then that was it. The sharp twinge in my chest made it hard to breathe, but I inhaled and didn’t even stop the burning sensation.

  “Get out.” My whisper was ragged, but I knew Caleb heard me. The contempt I’d seen on his face only seconds ago was no longer there, and the rate at which his emotions changed was starting to give me whiplash.

  His hand reached for me, but I was done, and when I took a step back, he had the decency to look bashful.

  “Please,” I begged, trying desperately not to show how easily he affected me, how easily his words could unravel me. “Just go.”

  He listened, and the click of the door literally brought me to my knees.

  I SAT OUTSIDE ON the terrace, and allowed myself to be comforted by the array of noises rising from the streets below. They were like a desynchronized orchestra, and yet still managed to find a rhythm all of its own. It lulled my senses, and assuaged my emotions to the point where I was able to stop crying. After a hot shower, I’d changed into my ratty shirt and came outside. It was a beautiful evening, warm and humid, and it seemed foolish to lock myself in the confines of the bedroom. The view was spectacular, and the terrace stretched all the way to my right, and around the corner. I spotted a spa tub, a wet bar, and two large grills farther down.

  I rested my chin on my knees, hoping that my eyes were a little less red and puffy, and wished that I could call my Mom. But that wouldn’t have been smart, at least not until I was back in an apartment of my own. I wouldn’t have been able to keep the truth from her, and I didn’t want her to worry about me either.

  It was just one more thing I wanted to deal with on my own.

  The faint sound of a door opening had my muscles going rigid, and I wrapped my arms around my bent legs defensively without thought.

  I heard the heavy footfalls of Caleb’s steps across the carpet, and regardless of how prepared I was to hear his voice, I still grimaced when he spoke.

  “I brought you some food.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I fibbed. I hadn’t eaten since lunch.

  “You’re lying.”

  My head whipped around, and I gave him a dirty look.

  “You have a tell,” he continued, leaning casually against the doorframe between the bedroom and the terrace. “You nibble on your bottom lip when you’re lying.”

  I became aware of it then, the feel of the tender skin of my bottom lip between my teeth.

  Caleb expelled a long breath. “I wanted to apologize.”

  “I can’t think what on Earth for,” I replied sarcastically. It was better than showing him just how bruised I truly felt.

  “I was an asshole earlier,” he conceded, dropping his gaze to the floor. “You don’t deserve that.”

  “With all due respect,” I started, deciding to throw caution to the wind and lay it all out there. “It wasn’t just today, Caleb. You’ve been an asshole almost every time we’ve been in the same room.”

  Caleb’s perfectly shaped brows arched upwards in disbelief.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” I said. “You can deny it all you want, but we both know you don’t see me as more than a punching bag.”

  “You’re not -”

  With a shake of my head he stopped talking. I didn’t want to hear his rebuttal or his excuses. My tolerance for his brand of bullshit was nonexistent.

  “You want to punish me, Caleb.”

  Saying it out aloud was admitting that I’d finally pieced it together.

  “Why would I be punishing you?”

  A hollow laugh bubbled up my throat. For someone so intelligent, he was acting rather obtuse.

  “For some asinine reason you see one thing when you look at me.” I brought my eyes back to his. “My father.”

  The shift in Caleb’s demeanor was swift, and instantaneous, and he pushed away from his position in the doorway.

  “We’re not talking about this.”

  His hard tone should have deterred me, but as soon as he turned his back, I sprung out of the chair and followed him.

  “Don’t be a coward,” I snapped, not at all taken aback by the sudden indignation warming my blood. I’d been keeping so many of my emotions bottled up that I was bound to explode at some point.

  Caleb dumped the plate of food he’d been holding in his hand on my dresser, it clattered loudly, and he swiveled so fast that I had to backtrack to avoid bumping into him.

  “I’m not a coward,” he barked. “I just don’t want to talk about this with you. Ever.”

  “You should have thought about that before you decided to hold me responsible for my father’s actions five years ago. That’s what you’re doing, right? Blaming me for his mistakes?”

  “Careful,” he warned.

  “Or what? You’ll kick me out?” I lifted my arms up. “Newsflash dickwad, I was homeless, and you know why?”

  Caleb continued to scowl, but I didn’t care. It was time to lay this ghost to rest, and we weren’t leaving this room until I’
d said everything I needed to.

  “For the last two years, I’ve been running from a family I’m ashamed of. You think your family was the only one that suffered, but mine did too. You’ve been so focused on making me feel small, that you didn’t stop to think maybe, just maybe, you weren’t the only one who got hurt.”

  Caleb snarled, the sound reverberating through the space around us. “Your father tore my family apart by sleeping with my mother!”

  “What my father did had nothing to do with me!” I yelled. “And need I remind you that it takes two people to have an affair, not just one. Your mother was just as responsible for that shitstorm.”

  “She wasn’t in her right mind. Your father took advantage of her!”

  “Oh for God’s sake, Caleb, I know you’re not that naïve! You just didn’t want to think that your mother was capable of something as deplorable as betrayal. But guess what, it happened, and last I checked it wasn’t your family that was exiled!”

  “Exiled?” Caleb’s scornful laughter was filled with derision. “Your father ran because he was guilty, Kadence. Nobody told him to leave.”

  “That’s a lie. You made sure we had no other choice but to leave. You couldn’t see past your own anger and resentment to acknowledge it wasn’t all about you.”

  “What? I didn’t do anything to make you leave. You just fucking disappeared!”

  I stilled at the genuine shock, and confusion in Caleb’s voice.

  “I wanted to wait until it had all blown over before I reached out to you. Yes, I was so fucking angry about all of it, but I didn’t blame you. I was in love with you!”

  The air in my lungs evaporated like water in an open flame.

  “W-what?” I stuttered, in spite of having heard him clearly.

  “You were so young, and so untouchable, but I couldn’t help myself. You exuded everything I wished I was, everything that was good, and innocent, and I became addicted to how I felt when we were in the same room. The last thing I expected was for you vanish without a trace, or for me to even care that you did.”