Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  “I don’t understand.” It came out as a whisper. “You dated all those women, and then that night, on the roof, I saw you with Katrina.”

  “It’s not what you thought.” Caleb was no longer angry. Instead, he looked pained, like he would rather be doing anything else but talking to me about our past. “Your sister was a little drunk, and she propositioned me. I came up with some story about how I didn’t want to take advantage of her while she was intoxicated, and she bought it. I didn’t want her to know I was outside looking for you. I already felt like a creeper. I didn’t need her getting suspicious.”

  My mouth went dry, and my mind scrambled to piece together the puzzle of what had happened all those years ago. It was all starting to make sense, but what I couldn’t discern was why Caleb had been treating me so poorly as of late. I reasoned that it was because of what my father did, that Caleb was simply looking for a place to direct his disdain, but I never considered the possibility that my assumption was wrong.

  Caleb moved closer, and my mouth opened with a gasp when he brought his knuckles up to my cheek. The warmth in the room had nothing to do with the open terrace doors, or the heat outside.

  “Kadence.”

  My eyes darted up. “Hmm?”

  “When I said I haven’t thought about you in five years, I lied. The night I kissed you, and the knowledge that no other man had been there before me, haunted me for years.”

  “Then why have you been so mean?” I asked honestly.

  Caleb dropped his hand, and he put some much-needed distance between us. It was both a relief, and a loss.

  “Seeing you again blindsided me, and I admit that I handled it wrong, but I didn’t know how else to handle it, to handle you.”

  “Why couldn’t you just talk to me Caleb?”

  “Because we’re not the same people anymore, Kadence. A lot can happen in five years.”

  “I know,” I acquiesced. “But that didn’t give you a right to be cruel.”

  “You’re right.” Caleb’s arctic blue eyes met mine. “I’m sorry.”

  When I didn’t say anything, Caleb added, “And thank you for what you did for Braelynn today.”

  “I would do it again in a heartbeat.” My voice was hoarse, but it had nothing to do with my crying earlier, and everything to do with the energy crackling to life between Caleb and me. I’d spent days, weeks, keeping it suppressed, even going so far as convincing myself Caleb had no recollection of our first kiss, or that he had ever had feelings for me at all.

  Caleb swallowed audibly, and I became hyperaware of how close his body was to mine. I even became aware of how good he smelled, how his t-shirt moved and tightened across his chest with every inhale and exhale, how his pulse jumped in his throat. My fingers started tingling with the urge to touch him, to feel his skin, his stubble, beneath my fingertips. My lips prickled with the desire, the need to kiss him, to feel the roughness of his mouth against mine.

  I couldn’t help it, the way I involuntarily swayed closer to him, drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

  “I so badly want to kiss you,” he murmured. “But I’m afraid that if I start, I won’t be able to stop.”

  “What if I didn’t want you to stop?”

  I sounded desperate, and wanton, and not in the slightest bit contrite about it. I was willing to admit that I wanted him. Badly.

  “This,” Caleb gestured between us, “Can’t happen.”

  It took me a moment to acknowledge his rebuff, and when I did, I had to admit that it stung. After tonight I was hoping we’d made some kind of headway, but perhaps that was nothing more than me wishing to relive the fantasy I’d created in my head when I was seventeen.

  Caleb was right.

  We were no longer the same people we were back then.

  “My life is complicated,” Caleb continued. “I don’t think it would be a good idea if we…”

  I felt the fight trickle from my limbs, my heart, my soul. He’d shot me down, even after admitting that he was once in love with me, and in spite of it being the admirable thing for him to do, I didn’t want to hear it. Not really.

  “You can stay here as long as you need to,” he added softly. The sympathy in his voice made me wince. “I know my approach was improper this morning, but I had Andrea pick out a few things for you from Nordstrom anyway. Consider them a gift.”

  I wanted to yell at him, tell him that I didn’t need his charity or his ‘pity presents’, but how could I expect us to reach a truce when I was the only one unwilling to concede?

  We couldn’t.

  Which is why I swallowed my pride, and shoved whatever I thought I’d felt for Caleb back into the little box I’d kept it in for years. It would never again see the light of day, and I had no choice but to make peace with that.

  I cleared my throat, and tried to look at Caleb with an impassive expression, regardless of how it shredded me on the inside to do so. “Thank you. I will start looking for an apartment this week, and hopefully be out of here by Friday.”

  Caleb wanted to argue, but I sighed a silent breath of relief when he simply nodded. “Whatever you want.”

  Damn you, I thought.

  He was breaking my heart, and being nice about it.

  “I’ll see you in the morning,” he finally said.

  Thank God.

  “Goodnight,” I murmured.

  As soon as I was alone, I dropped onto the bed, leaving the terrace doors open, and fell into an uneasy sleep.

  I dreamed of Caleb.

  And Braelynn.

  And all the things that would never be.

  I FOUND CALEB in the kitchen on Monday morning, dressed in a white t-shirt, and jeans. I’d avoided him all weekend, which was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I’d taken a cab to the office to collect my car, and when I came back, both Caleb and Braelynn were gone. With no idea where they were, or when they were coming back, I explored Caleb’s penthouse and discovered that he had a wine cellar, a library, an in-home fitness center and a media room. I had no idea why he needed so much, when it was just him and Braelynn, but I chalked it down another one of his many puzzle pieces. With nothing to do on Saturday night, and a palace all to myself, I snagged a bottle of wine, and holed up in the library. Giant shelves lined every wall, reaching high up to the ceiling, filled to the rim with books from just about every genre. It was by far my favorite room in the entire penthouse.

  When Caleb arrived home with Braelynn late on Sunday afternoon, I evaded him and stayed in the guestroom well in to the evening.

  Caleb looked up from the newspaper in his hands, and when his eyes did a slow intake of my appearance, I wanted to curse him.

  He told me there wouldn’t ever be anything between us, but then he looked at me like that. Granted, the blush colored crepe sheath dress I had on made me look phenomenal – if I could say so myself – and the only person to thank for that was Caleb.

  His lips twitched, and he contemplated me from over the rim of his cup. “I see you got the clothes.”

  “I did, thank you.”

  He’d left several bags in front of the bedroom door this morning, and I’d immediately regretted accepting them. He’d gone completely overboard, but I didn’t want him to know that I actually liked everything he had chosen for me.

  “Can I make myself some coffee?” I asked. I brushed my hair behind my ears, noting how Caleb’s eyes followed the movement, and folded my hands in front of me. I felt out of place, even more so after the night before, and there was nothing I could do to hide my discomfort.

  “Of course you can,” he replied with a frown. “Make yourself at home. I made some bacon, and eggs, if you’d like breakfast before you go to work.”

  Without answering, I made myself some coffee, and put some food on a plate. I sat down at the opposite end of the kitchen island, and quietly had my breakfast.

  Caleb cleared his throat, and I unintentionally lifted my head to look at him. “I’m not going in to the office
,” he told me. I’d guessed as much as soon as I saw his choice of attire, but because he was the boss I had no reason to bring it up. My objective for the next week was to interact with Caleb as little as possible, while still being amicable, and as soon as I found a new apartment, I wouldn’t have to see him again, save for the accidental office interaction or planned function.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked around a piece of crispy bacon. I immediately wished I hadn’t, simply because keeping my interest limited would make it easier for me to pretend I didn’t care.

  “Yeah,” he brushed his hand over his head, and rubbed his neck, bringing my attention to the ink on his forearms. His white shirt brought out the brilliance of the colors, and with every movement, the images on his skin twisted, and contorted to accommodate the stretch of his muscles. “I have to try and find a new nanny for Brae, so I’ll be working from home until I can find someone.”

  “Do you know what happened with Danielle?”

  “Her number’s been disconnected, and I have no idea how else to reach her without showing up at her place. I don’t think that’s going to work.” Caleb’s mouth tilted into a nervous smile, and it looked incredibly odd on him. He was always so confident, and so composed, but the man in front of me was not the businessman I’d come to know. He was just a man, concerned about finding a new nanny for his baby girl.

  “If you need me to spend a few days at home so that you can go into the office, I won’t mind.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” he replied. “I’m sure I’ll find someone soon.”

  I shrugged, like his brush-off didn’t matter. “I wouldn’t be doing it for you.” I stood up, and took my cup and plate to the basin, and then started walking towards the elevator.

  “I’d be doing it for Braelynn.

  “YOU HONESTLY DON’T have to come with me,” I told Caleb over the phone while gathering the last of my things from my desk. We’d managed to get along fine for the remaining four days of my stay, save for a few spats here and there, and after finding a new apartment close to where my old one was, I’d made arrangements to meet my new landlord and get the keys. Caleb, however, was not being agreeable about it.

  “Kadence, if you think I’m going to let you go all the way out there on your own, you’re mistaken. I’ll be outside in thirty minutes.”

  He ended the call, and if I weren’t already so exhausted, I would roll my eyes. The fact that he thought he could order me around was laughable, but I’d learned that arguing with him when he insisted upon something was pointless.

  It was already 6 p.m. and the office was still alive with chatter, the clicking of keyboards, and all round productivity. Everyone was pulling longer hours in preparation for Callahan Industries’ next big event – The Callahan Fashion Show for Young Designers. It was the first of its kind, and because of the magnitude of the event, everyone was on the brink of losing what was left of their sanity, myself included. But that had more to do with living with Caleb than planning a fashion event.

  I stuck my head into Macy’s office, and found her squinting at her computer screen.

  “I’m heading out, can I get you anything before I leave?”

  She peered at me from behind her screen, her reading glasses perched on her nose. “I would love a few extra hours in a day, think you can wing that?”

  I giggled. “Trust me, if I had the secret to making days longer, I won’t be sharing it.”

  Macy tsk’ed, but gave me a tired smile. “I think I’m going to call it a night.” She stood from her desk, her round belly bigger at seven months.

  “Can I give Andrew a call and ask him to come fetch you?”

  “I’ll call him,” she replied, waving me off. “Go get the keys to your new place. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I smiled at my boss, and made my way down to the lobby. I didn’t notice that Jennifer was in the same cart until I got off, and saw her walking ahead of me. Caleb was outside, leaning against his Escalade, and my feet faltered when Jennifer stopped to talk to him. I lingered on the peripheral, just out of earshot, and waited for their conversation to be over before I approached. Jennifer and I weren’t on friendly terms, and I knew that if she found out I’d been living with Caleb, the entire building would know about it come morning. I did not need that kind of drama, especially when I was so close to having some kind of normalcy again.

  Jennifer said something, and then kissed Caleb on the cheek before walking in the opposite direction. I paid no attention to the pang of envy that took root in my gut, nor did I acknowledge that seeing Jennifer so much as touch Caleb intensified it.

  Caleb’s lips thinned as he tried to conceal his grin. Smug bastard caught me glaring at Jennifer, even when I’d tried to be unobtrusive about it.

  “You ready?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “You really didn’t have to come,” I told him again, wondering if he would ever grow tired of listening to his own commands. Surely he had better things to do on a Thursday night.

  Caleb ignored me, and I sighed in resignation when he opened the passenger door for me. I climbed in, and watched him round the hood before jumping into the driver’s side. It was the first time I’d seen him behind the wheel, and if the act of driving could ever be considered sexy, Caleb pulled it off.

  “No Alfie?” I asked, expecting to find Caleb’s behemoth of a driver somewhere in the back seat. I’d befriended the dark skinned giant, and had taken to calling him ‘Alfie’ instead of ‘Alfred’. Because Caleb had deemed my ‘pile of scrap metal’ unsafe, and no longer in driving condition, he’d tasked Alfie with getting me to work and back every day, and in that time I’d grown rather fond of him.

  Caleb turned onto Park Avenue, and into the early evening traffic. “No, I left him with the babysitter. It’s just you and me.”

  I hoped he hadn’t heard me swallow, thankful that the butterflies in my belly weren’t in any way audible either. I’d been living with this man for an entire week, and had managed to keep myself together in his presence, but put me in a vehicle with him alone and I had no idea what to do with myself. I shifted, and the leather squeaked against the exposed flesh of my thigh. I was suddenly very aware of the way my dress was creeping up my legs. I turned the air-conditioner on, feeling too warm all over, and purposefully turned my face away from Caleb’s enquiring gaze. He had a habit of doing that, looking at me as if he were trying to get a read on me, and it was only now that I was alone with him in a confined space that I was unable to stop my reaction.

  “Are you feeling okay?” he asked, looking between me, and the profusion of taillights in front of us.

  “Just tired,” I replied. It was the truth, but also a pretext for how I was really feeling. “The fashion show is keeping everyone busy.”

  Caleb remained silent, and I glanced at him, admiring his perfect profile.

  “What made you decide on a fashion show?” I asked impulsively. I knew what the show was about, that it started as a statewide competition for young designers between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, but I wanted to know why Caleb had come up with the concept in the first place.

  “Simple. I want to grow Callahan Industries, and in order to do that I need to find the best people in their respective fields.”

  “Is that really all there is to it?”

  Caleb gave me a sidelong glance. “Why else would I do it?”

  “Because you care,” I said honestly. “You want to give those people a chance to live their dreams, like you’re living yours.”

  He shrugged, and turned his face to look out his window. “I always thought this was my dream, but then I had no choice in the matter. Now, I work hard so that Braelynn will always have a future.”

  I had so many things I wanted to say, but none of them seemed fitting. The moment had grown heavy with far too much sentiment, and I suspected Caleb would rather not talk about this with me.

  We didn’t speak again until he stopped outside a worn-down apartment blo
ck a few streets up from where I used to stay. It wasn’t in the best state of repair, but the landlord had assured me it was clean, safe and livable.

  Caleb scowled at the brick building. “This is it?”

  I turned a deaf ear to his disgusted tone, and removed the piece of paper with the landlord’s contact and apartment number scrawled on it. I knew Caleb would be more than partial to this place, but I couldn’t allow his dislike to sway me from taking it. It was within my price range, and it may be another two or three months before I could afford to buy all the furniture I’d need, but I wasn’t afraid to make it work.

  Caleb walked behind me as I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor. An ill-aged man greeted us, his balding head dripping with perspiration from the heat, and his white shirt stained with sweat. He smelled worse than the staircase, and I felt the disapproval coming in waves from behind me.

  Caleb was not pleased.

  Tough shit because this was all I could afford.

  And I’d already paid the first month’s rent.

  The landlord eyed Caleb while opening the sixth door down the hall, and walked in ahead of us.

  “Comes with a fridge, and a gas stove. Bathroom has a shower-bath combo, and for an extra fee you can get cable.”

  He coughed, and then looked at me with a bored expression. It wasn’t the Waldorf, that’s for sure, but with a bit of cleaning – okay, a lot of cleaning – I could have it looking semi-decent in no time. I’d have to invest in a Hazchem suit to clean the bathroom, and probably check the walls for a rodent or mold infestation, but it wasn’t that bad. Oh, who was I kidding? The place was a dump, and could easily pass for a set on The Walking Dead.

  “Kadence, can we talk outside for a moment?”

  I turned, and found that Caleb was still scowling. “We can talk as soon as I get my keys.”

  I reached out for them, but Caleb was faster. He pushed the landlord’s hand away, and turned his glower towards me.

  “You’re not living here,” he said, his voice low, and menacing.

  “You don’t get a say,” I told him. “Besides, I’ve already paid the first month’s rent.”