Playing Pretend

by Bester, Tamsyn

  “We’ll get it back. Now, let’s go. Hell will freeze over before I allow you to live here.”

  Caleb and I stared angrily at each other, neither of us relenting. He had no right to tell me where I could or could not live.

  “Uh,” the landlord stuttered, “No refunds.”

  “Keep it,” said Caleb, his eyes never breaking their contact with mine. “She won’t be staying here.”

  He pivoted on his heel and stormed out, and all I could do was stare after him. Until it dawned on me that he’d not only cost me a place to live, but also a month’s rent.

  I marched out of the apartment, and down the stairs, and followed Caleb back to his car. It may have looked a little more formidable had my heels not started sinking into the grass.

  “What was that?” I snapped. I regained my standing once my shoes hit the road, and straightened to my full height.

  Caleb whirled around, and pinned me to the side of the car. His solid frame encroached on my personal space, his height forcing me to look up into arctic blue eyes. Even in heels I was no match for his stature.

  “That was me telling you I’m not going to leave you in this Godforsaken dump,” he growled. I cursed my body for warming at his closeness - stupid thing was faulty - but was still able to hang on to my indignation long enough to put up a fight.

  “This Godforsaken dump is all I can afford. Unlike you, I don’t have millions at my disposal to buy a fucking ivory tower.”

  With a tight jaw, and an almost murderous expression, Caleb leaned in so close that were I to lick my lips, I’d lick his too.

  It was a tempting thought, but now was not the time to think about kissing the arrogant schmuck.

  “You may not be the woman sleeping in my bed, sweet Kadence,” – my insides quivered – “But you’ll stay in my house until you can find something decent. If you think I was ever going to allow you to live in a shithole like this, you haven’t been paying very close attention. Do I look like a man who would let a woman he cares about live here?”

  I pursed my lips, keeping my face as impassive as I could, but I felt the determination slip. He’d surprised me, may even have left me speechless. He correctly interpreted that as me agreeing with him, which I would never admit to his face, and when his perfect, pink lips danced their way into a victorious smirk, I was genuinely torn between kissing him, and slapping it right off his face. I wasn’t exactly opposed to both, in that order.

  “Didn’t think so,” he grinned, making no move whatsoever to step back.

  “What if I said no?” I asked, willing my sensible side to negotiate her way out of this. It would have been better to stay with Caleb until I could find another place, but I wasn’t sure I could stay with him much longer and not get attached.

  That’s if I wasn’t already.

  “You don’t get a choice.”

  I huffed, aware that my breasts brushed against his chest with the movement. His pupils dilated, but only slightly, and I hated how unaffected he was by me, while I was on the verge of dry-humping his thigh.

  “What if you get tired of me? Will you expect me to just pack up and leave when you say so?”

  Caleb pursed his lips, his eyes remaining fixed on my face. “If it ever gets to that, we’ll talk about it, but I would never leave you high and dry.”

  No, he definitely didn’t leave me dry.

  Jesus, Kadence.

  “What?” he asked, his brows drawing in.

  My eyes widened.

  “What?” I repeated. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You said ‘Jesus, Kadence’.”

  “Did I?”

  “What were you thinking about?”

  I looked down at Caleb’s mouth, and when my gaze shot back up, I knew the exact moment he’d caught me.

  “I don’t think -” that’s as far as the words made it before Caleb crashed his mouth to mine. He pressed me into the metal of the car, the heat resonating down my back from the remnants of the late evening sun. He slipped his tongue between my lips, and if I moaned, it wasn’t consciously done. My nails dug into his biceps, and I tried to ground myself, convince myself we should stop before we got carried away, but my common sense kidnapped my logic, and skipped town for a long weekend.

  Where did that leave me?

  Up shit creek without a paddle.

  I had no control over my reaction to that kiss, not when my tongue tentatively explored Caleb’s, and not when my nipples pebbled beneath the lace of my bra. If Caleb were to reach between my legs, he’d find my panties damp, and on the verge of self-combusting.

  Like me.

  I was also on the precipice of that fire, and the harder Caleb kissed me, the more he took, the bigger those flames grew and grew and grew.

  I was mindless, so much so that when he pushed himself away without warning, it took me a few seconds to come to. I was panting, he was panting, and we both stared at each other like we had no idea who the other person was. But I knew exactly who he was, the same man I’d given my first kiss to on that rooftop years ago.

  “I’m sorry,” he exhaled harshly, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Just like I said.

  Same man.

  My lips pulsed beneath my fingertips, and I wanted to tell him it was okay, but it wasn’t. I felt his want, and yet he was still going to play it off like a mistake, a lapse in judgment.

  Well, if that’s how he saw me, there was nothing I could do to change it.

  I squeezed my eyes closed, took a deep breath, and walked around to the passenger side. I ignored Caleb when he called out to me, and when he asked me if I was okay in the car. I didn’t want to talk to him, especially when my own judgment was so deficient, and as soon as we arrived back at his penthouse, I disappeared into the guest bedroom, and lost myself in the giant claw foot tub.

  I GAVE MYSELF an hour before I ventured out of the room. If I was going to continue living with Caleb, I had to stop hiding from him every time he did something idiotic. There was no reason to make it awkward when we could both be sensible adults, and forget that it ever happened.

  I was intent on going to the kitchen, and then wanted to watch a movie in the theatre room, but when I heard Braelynn fussing in the nursery I wanted to check on her first. I pushed the nursery door open, and found a dressed down Caleb pacing the length of the hardwood floor, while Braelynn wailed in his arms. Her face was scrunched up, and red, and so very wet with tears.

  “C’mon, Brae, daddy’s trying here sweetheart. I can’t feed you if you don’t stop crying.”

  The frustration in his plea was unmissable, and even in the face of my agitation I felt sorry for him. He was out of his element, but not even I had the heart to shoot a man down for trying.

  “Everything okay?” I asked, taking a timid step forward.

  “It’s fine.” Caleb kept his gaze trained on Braelynn. “She’s just being a little fussy tonight.”

  His body language was defensive, but that was his standard reaction when anyone came near Braelynn. I’d helped him with her a few times already, even just to give him a break while he looked for a new nanny, and until tonight he’d never given any indication that he was uncomfortable with me being around her.

  There were one of two ways I could handle that revelation, and for my own sake more than his, I elected to take the high road, and pay no mind to why he was being standoffish. As far as I knew he had no reason to be.

  “Here,” I reached out my arms, “Let me.”

  “I’ve got it,” grumbled Caleb. He resumed his pacing, which only made Braelynn cry harder and louder.

  “C’mon, Caleb, there’s nothing wrong with accepting some help.”

  “I don’t need your help,” he stated matter-of-factly. I ought to have told him it wasn’t necessary to snap, but I simply raised my hands in compliance and backed away.

  I went to the kitchen, made myself a snack, and something to drink, and quietly wandered in the direction of the theatre r
oom. It was one of the larger rooms in the penthouse, with six lush double recliners, and fully equipped with its own soda fountain and popcorn machine. With the huge plasma screen, and surround sound system in the living room, I couldn’t quite grasp Caleb’s need for this place, but tonight I was glad he had it.

  I flicked through Caleb’s extensive collection, bypassing all the action flicks, and selected a high school comedy, The D.U.F.F.

  I had my finger poised above the play button when Caleb entered. He was still holding Braelynn, and the little Miss didn’t look at all pleased. Without saying a word, Caleb handed her over to me, and sat down beside me in the adjoining recliner. It was the strangest thing, the way we seemed to move so fluidly together, like we’d been doing it for years, and yet the silence was still so awkward.

  Caleb handed me Braelynn’s bottle, and turned his attention to the screen. His body vibrated with quiet displeasure, but when he made no attempt to talk to me, I went about feeding Braelynn. Her blue eyes latched on to my green, and she stilled, staring up at me in wonder. I stared at her in much the same way, really, completely taken by her. I couldn’t explain why it was so easy for me, why my instincts with her came so naturally, but they did, and I knew exactly what I was doing without being told. I had an inextricable connection with this little person, and each time I held her, each time I felt her little hand wrap around my finger, something inside me tethered itself to her.

  She suckled with fervor, her cries replaced with hungry little moans while she ate her fill, and all the while Caleb remained still and silent at my side.

  When Braelynn was done, I gently burped her, and settled back into the recliner. I situated her on my chest, with her head facing Caleb, and started watching the movie when I felt Caleb staring at the side of my face.

  “How did you do that?” he asked, his voice quiet.

  I tilted my head so that I could see his expression, and to my surprise it was forlorn, like he’d somehow failed his daughter by passing her off to me.

  “She was probably irritated because you were,” I replied, rubbing Braelynn’s back with genuine affection. She was sleeping on her tummy, lulled by the rhythmic beat of my pulse beneath her ear.

  Caleb loured at me. “I wasn’t irritated.”

  “Well you were definitely something, because Brae picked it up, and reacted to it. She takes all her cues from you Caleb, so when you’re not in a good mood, it affects her.”

  Caleb didn’t reply immediately, and when he did it wasn’t at all what I was expecting.

  “You’re good with her.”

  “She makes it easy,” I replied, placing a light kiss on the crown of Braelynn’s head, and inhaling her sweet baby scent. She stirred, her little body moving into a more comfortable position, and with my hand on her back, she continued to sleep.

  “Has there been anyone else?”

  I shot a look of surprise at Caleb, and pondered how to answer him in the most diplomatic way possible, without revealing too much.

  I didn’t want to talk about Baxter, or how I’d found him plowing my sister from behind. I didn’t want to talk about how my father still expected me to marry the bastard, and turn the other cheek like he hadn’t cheated on me with my sister. I was expected to accept those things, be the dutiful daughter and ignorant fiancée, all the while my own family laughed behind my back.

  “There was,” I whispered. “But it didn’t work out.”

  Caleb wanted to know more, I could tell, but he was polite enough not to probe.

  “Braelynn’s mother,” he started, turning his gaze back to the movie, “She, uh, left us, two weeks after Brae was born. She decided she wasn’t ready to be a mother, and that she wasn’t ready to give up her fame.”

  My heart broke for Caleb right then, and for the little girl who had burrowed her way into my heart in such a short space of time. The thought of her being left by her own mother infuriated me, made me want cry for the mere injustice of it all.

  “Caleb, I…” I bit my tongue. Caleb wouldn’t want my pity, not for him or his child, and experience told me he would rebuff any kind of emotional support I may offer. So I did the next best thing, and told him what I thought he needed to hear.

  “You’re doing an amazing job. If nothing else, Braelynn knows you love her.”

  He looked down at his daughter. I saw the calamitous crash of emotions in his eyes, and wanted so much to comfort him.

  We fell into an easy silence, and a few minutes passed before Caleb spoke again.

  “So you’re staying?”

  I snorted, and then looked down to make sure I hadn’t startled Braelynn.

  “You didn’t give me a choice,” I said, trying to sound indifferent. “But I think we’re going to need rules.”

  “Rules?” Caleb chuckled. “What kind of rules?”

  “Well for one, no kissing.”

  Caleb’s smile faltered, and he had the grace to look apologetic. “That won’t happen again. I promise.”

  I promise.

  I didn’t want him to keep that promise. Not at all.

  “And you’ll let me buy groceries,” I continued. Caleb’s mouth snapped shut, and he looked at me as if to say, not happening. “And you’ll let me help with Braelynn, at least until you can find a new nanny.”

  The tick in Caleb’s jaw told me just how much he disliked my ‘rules’, but I quirked a brow in a silent challenge. He knew as well as I did that sharing a living space was already hard enough, we didn’t need to complicate it by getting physical. Again.

  He’d slipped up today, and who was to say the next slip up wouldn’t be mine?

  “Fine,” he conceded, if with some reluctance. “But you have to promise me you won’t move into a shithole just to get away from me.”

  I regarded him for a moment, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had other motives to wanting me to stay. Something akin to hope prickled at my insides, and I thought maybe, just maybe, this was his way of asking for help.

  “Deal.” I stuck my hand out, and Caleb smirked when we shook hands. That same smirk dwindled into something else when a burst of electricity traveled through our joined hands. I snapped my hand away, ignoring the leap in my pulse, and feigned insouciance as I turned my attention back to the screen.

  Caleb shifted, and slowly rose to his feet.

  “I’d better put her in her crib.” He reached for Braelynn, and with a gentleness he reserved only for her, tucked her into his arm. I would never grow tired of seeing him with her, the way he doted on her, shielded her.

  “Good night, Kadence.”

  I gave him a small wave and watched him disappear out the door, leaving me alone. I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep, but I became aware of two arms lifting me from the recliner. He tucked me in, and after the faintest brush of lips against my forehead, sleep claimed me.

  WHEN I WAS A little girl, I dreamt that I was dancing on stage in front of an auditorium filled with people. Everything was going well, until it was time for me to perform an arabesque. I dreaded it, and I remember feeling that in my dream, even holding my breath as my leg extended behind me.

  Needless to say it was perfect, just as I’d rehearsed, but as soon as my leg lowered, and I straightened, the auditorium stilled. It was so quiet I could hear my breathing, the rapid tap-tap tap-tap of my heartbeat, and I could feel every set of eyes on me. I didn’t understand it, but I remembered that feeling, carried it with me from that dream so that should I ever feel it again, I would know it by heart.

  That’s how I knew something was wrong when I walked into the office on Friday morning. That feeling, the one from my dream all those years ago, wound its way through my limbs, starting at the very tips of my toes, and ending at the crown of my head.

  It wasn’t my outfit. My white linen skirt, and soft denim button back shirt were brand new, and blemish free. It wasn’t my hair. My blonde locks were braided to the side, with a few wisps framing my face. I could have fooled myself and assumed it was
the way I looked because everything was new and someone was bound to notice that I wasn’t wearing the same outfit several times in one week. But my intuition told me it had nothing to do with any of that.

  Aaliyah saw me approaching her desk, and closed the gap between us with hurried steps. She ushered me straight into Macy’s office, and shut the door. Macy was on the phone, and she looked up at me from her desk with concern in her eyes.

  “Yes,” she said into the phone, “She just got here.” With a pause to listen to who was on the other end, she pursed her lips. “Okay, I’ll see if we can get a press conference this afternoon. Until then, lay low, and avoid the press.”

  She hung up, and rose from her chair.

  “Something happened,” I stated, looking between Aaliyah and Macy’s worried expressions.

  “Yes,” replied Macy. “Photographs of Braelynn, along with a pretty extensive story about her and Caleb, have been sold to the press.”

  “But how would that happen?”

  “We were hoping you could tell us,” said Aaliyah. My brows knitted together.

  “Why would I know?”

  Aaliyah shared a look with Macy, and a vague feeling of apprehension rooted itself in my chest. I never bothered to ask whether or not they knew about Braelynn, but I was starting to understand that there was very little about Caleb’s life they didn’t know about.

  Finally, I caught on. “You think I did it.”

  The ensuing silence was all the confirmation I needed, and the first thing that popped into my head was if Caleb thought the same thing. He hadn’t said anything to me when I left for work this morning, and after last night I thought we were finally in a good place. He would have told me if something like this had happened. Wouldn’t he?

  I realized it didn’t really matter. I was the outsider here, which made their accusation seem plausible. Aaliyah might have been a friend, but her sense of loyalty was far greater to Caleb than to me, and the same went for Macy.

  “It’s not that,” Aaliyah started, her expression imploring. “It’s just, well, you’ve been living with him, and the photo’s that have been sold to the media are quite personal. They’re close-ups, Kadence.”