Walking the Labyrinth

by Hart, Lois Cloarec

  She took the last bowls, and Lee picked up the picture to admire it. “Your mom’s lost a lot of weight since then, eh?”

  “Yeah, that was taken before the second go-round. The first time, Mom bounced back from chemo and radiation like nothing had happened, but the second time, not so much. I was concerned, but her doctor assured us that it wasn’t uncommon. He and Mom finally convinced me I was just being a worrywart, but then I already mistakenly thought she’d beaten it the first time, so I didn’t think a little worrying was out of line.” Jill stood up and closed the hutch doors. “There. That should do it.”

  Lee’s hands shook so badly that the picture frame rattled.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  Jill’s face blurred, and Lee struggled to catch her breath.

  “Whoa, Lee. You’d better sit down. I’ll go get Mom.”

  “No! I just...I just need some fresh air.” Lee stumbled toward the front door, ignoring Jill’s worried voice trailing behind her. Gasping, Lee sprinted down the stairs to her SUV. There was no one in the front parking spot when she hastily spun in a circle and accelerated out of the yard. Stones spat from underneath the tires as Lee raced down the gravel road toward Gaëlle’s house.

  When Lee reached the house, she jumped out before the engine had fully shuddered to a stop. Running as if the hounds of hell were after her, Lee took the stairs three at a time. She burst into her bedroom, grabbed her suitcase out of the closet, and jammed clothes in. What wouldn’t fit, she threw into the laundry basket. Lee flew down the stairs, in too much of a panic to stop for the shirt that tumbled out of the basket.

  She dashed back to the SUV and threw the suitcase and basket into the trunk. But when she slammed the hatch shut and hurried around to the driver’s door, she found her way blocked.

  Wally stood, his back pressed against the door, shaking his head. “Far star. No go. Far star. Cry, die.”

  Tears streamed down Lee’s face. “I can’t, Wally. I can’t go through it again. I just can’t.”

  He glared at her fiercely, tears in his eyes too. “No go. No go. Sad, sad.”

  Desperate to get away, Lee yanked Wally away from the door and accidentally ripped two of his ribbons off. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Tell her, Wally. Tell her I’m sorry, but I can’t. Not again.” Lee jumped into the vehicle and started it up. She hit the gas and backed away, careful only to avoid Wally.

  As Lee roared down the driveway, the disconsolate man clutched his torn ribbons and stared after her through a swirling cloud of dust.

  Chapter 14

  Hard at work at her desk, Lee barely noticed when the office door opened.

  “Lee, do you have a few minutes?”

  Lee looked up from her computer and waved Willem in. “Sure.”

  Willem took one of the chairs opposite Lee. He leaned back and studied her for a long moment.

  Lee took off her reading glasses and ran a hand over her eyes. “What’s up? What’s on your mind?”

  “You.”

  “Me? Why? My production lagging?”

  “Of course not. Since you returned from Saskatchewan, you’ve been working insanely long hours.”

  “Then is my work not up to snuff?”

  Willem blew a raspberry, and Lee couldn’t help smiling. It was such an undignified sound to be coming from a man of exceeding mental and physical substance.

  “Okay, then what’s got your tail in a knot, Wil?”

  “I’m worried about you.”

  “No need, old friend. I’ve done a complete one eighty. I’m eating properly, working out, seeing friends. Just last weekend I took my goddaughter to the zoo so Marika and Rhi could have a day off. Eli and I have been working on my bike in the evenings. I’m excited about his wedding this weekend, and weekend after next I’m going with Terry and Jan to a softball tournament in Edmonton. My hermit days are over. All’s well. Honest.”

  “I can see the improvement. Your eyes are clear. You don’t stink of smoke or booze. You’re obviously healthy and in extremely good shape. But—”

  Lee shook her head impatiently. “No ‘buts’, Wil. I’ve done everything you all wanted of me. What more can you ask?”

  “That you be happy.”

  Lee was shocked at the rush of tears that filled her eyes. She hastily turned away and fished a tissue out of a drawer. She blew her nose loudly. “Damn allergies.”

  “Lee, next to my wife and children, you mean more to me than anyone else in the world. So, you’re fired.”

  Lee laughed through the tears. “You can’t fire me; we both own exactly fifty per cent of DeGroot and Glenn. Why on earth would you say that I’m fired?”

  “Because I don’t know any other way to make it better. You were happy for a while. I could hear it in your voice when I talked to you in Donegal. You were excited about a silly old pile of rocks. You could hardly wait to wake up every morning. Now...” Willem shook his head and frowned. “Now you put all your energy into a job that gives you little joy. When I’m actually here late enough to see you go home first, it’s like watching a dried-up husk of a human being trudge down the hall to the elevators.”

  “Jesus, Wil. Sugar-coat it, why don’t you?”

  “I can’t stand what you’re doing to yourself. This is even worse than before the intervention. At least then I had hopes that you would eventually pull yourself together and be the old Lee. Now you’ve pulled yourself together splendidly. You’re a healthy, engaged, fully functioning member of society...and day by day, piece by piece, it’s killing what makes you, you.”

  Lee was startled to see Willem pull a handkerchief out of his pocket and blow his noise. She could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen him get visibly emotional in all their years together.

  “Damn allergies.”

  Lee smiled at Willem’s gruff disclaimer. “Aw, Wil... Maybe it’s just a matter of time, eh? Grief doesn’t evaporate on a schedule, you know? Maybe I just need a little more time.”

  “If you were still grieving for Dana, I would agree with you, but I don’t get the sense that this is what consumes you.” Wil held up a hand to halt Lee’s protestation. “Perhaps I am wrong. You know you can take all the time you want. But let me ask you a hypothetical question, yes?”

  “Sure, go ahead.”

  “Eventually you’ll retire. Me, they’ll have to take out feet first because I’m not leaving that desk, but you should have a life outside of DeGroot and Glenn. Years from now we’ll have a party, present you with a new motorcycle helmet, and send you off to enjoy your golden years. Who do you think should move into this wonderful office of yours?”

  “That’s easy. Ann. No question about it. She’s been with us since the start. She’s as well versed in the business as we are, and God knows she’s proven her loyalty a million times over.”

  Willem heaved himself to his feet. “An excellent choice. I agree completely. Of course, Ann is only several years younger than us. We wouldn’t get much time from her before she would retire as well. Still, for a brief while it would certainly let her know how deeply we esteem her and all she’s done for our company. You’re right, Lee. When the day comes, we’ll definitely promote Ann to your office. I’m glad that’s settled. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting in ten minutes. Meena and I will see you at Eli’s wedding on Saturday.” Willem left the office and closed the door behind him.

  You old fraud. As if I didn’t know exactly what you were doing.

  But to Lee’s chagrin, the seed Willem planted took root. She found her thoughts repeatedly drifting back to his scenario during the day. Willem might not have played fair, but he’d certainly targeted her altruism. Is it fair to fill a job Ann would love when I hate it?

  About mid-afternoon, Ann rang from the outer office to let Lee know she had an unscheduled visitor. “Reverend Ross is here to see you.”

  Lee smiled. David had left the Anglican ministry years earlier, but as far as Ann was concerned, once a pries
t, always a priest. “Send him in. Thank you.” Lee rounded her desk to greet David with a hug.

  David had a garment bag over his shoulder. “Thought I’d save you a trip. I stopped by the tailor and picked up our suits.”

  “Thanks. I’ll just hang that up. Do you have time for a cup of coffee?”

  “If I’m not interrupting anything.”

  “Not at all. In fact, I was just staring out the window, woolgathering really.”

  David took a chair and looked out at the distant mountains. “I can hardly blame you. With a view like that, I don’t think I’d get any work done at all.”

  Lee poured two cups of coffee from the office pot. “I made fresh about an hour ago. Hopefully, it’s still all right. Black, right?”

  “Yes, thanks. Trust me, after the swill we brew at the foundation’s offices, anything would taste great.”

  Lee handed David a cup and returned to her seat. “How’s it going at the foundation these days?”

  “Some days good; some days not so good. Unfortunately, having one of our clients attack someone with a knife on a downtown street, like last weekend, throws a bad light on all of us.”

  “Don’t worry, David. It’ll be news for five minutes and then forgotten. I really admire what you’re doing. There was a time I didn’t get it. I figured if you put homeless street people into decent apartments without ensuring they’d first beaten their addictions, they’d just ruin their nice new homes. I’ve been amazed that it’s worked out so well.”

  “It has, but it’s not only my doing, of course. I’m working with a wonderful bunch of people to get this done. Because the community got behind us with fifty per cent of funding, we finally secured government backing for a second facility.”

  “That’s wonderful.”

  David beamed with a father’s pride. “Liz was instrumental. She was like a bulldog. Even while planning for the wedding, she practically camped out on the Human Services minister’s doorstep. Personally, I think he finally agreed to her proposal just to make her go away.”

  “She is an amazing woman. I’m very pleased that she’s going to be my daughter-in-law.”

  “Liz thinks you’re going to be a fabulous mother-in-law, too.”

  “I know it would’ve been better if Dana—”

  David shot Lee a stern look. “Don’t even go there. We all wish Dana had lived to dance at their wedding, too, but don’t imagine for a moment that Liz and Eli wish that you’d died instead.”

  “I know, I know. It’s just, Dana was so much better at this kind of thing. I’m only hoping not to screw up my part.”

  “You won’t. I have faith. And I have to tell you, Liz is over the moon about your wedding gift to the two of them. That was incredibly generous.”

  “I’m glad it makes them happy. I was surprised when they chose China for their honeymoon trip, though. I thought they’d go for a destination a little more conventional.”

  “Are you kidding? Liz has been fascinated with all things Chinese since she was a little girl. She’s never had the money to go there, so a honeymoon in China is a dream come true.”

  “Maybe her most recent incarnation was in China.” Lee stopped abruptly as she realized what she’d said. “Uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to give offence.”

  David waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry. I’m actually quite taken with the concept of reincarnation and have done quite a bit of reading on it.”

  “But I thought you being a former priest and all, you wouldn’t buy into such hooey.”

  “Hooey?”

  “A term I used with a friend who believed in all that crazy stuff.” As Lee had done for weeks, she ignored the agony ignited by every thought of Gaëlle.

  “Well, your friend is certainly not alone in her beliefs. It’s really not that radical a concept. Christianity is one of the few religions that doesn’t acknowledge and accept reincarnation as one of its tenets, but there was a time that it did.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Early church fathers believed fully in reincarnation. In the third century an esteemed theologian named Origen taught the very New Age concepts that we are all, including Jesus, sparks of the Divine, and that the soul evolves through many lifetimes until it reunites with God. Emperor Constantine had references to reincarnation deleted from the New Testament in the fourth century, and in the sixth century, the Second Council of Constantinople officially declared belief in reincarnation a heresy. Of course that was a lively little council. Emperor Justinian had ordered Pope Vigilius, who proclaimed that reincarnation was consistent with Christ’s message, to denounce reincarnation. When he refused, he was arrested. He escaped, but under pressure Vigilius later recanted and signed off on the new doctrine.”

  “What was their problem with reincarnation? I kind of like the idea. Not only do we get many more lives with the souls we love, we get more chances to get things right. If you screw up in one life, you’re going to get other chances to get a ‘Get out of Hell Free’ card. Who wouldn’t appreciate that?”

  “The Catholic Church. Think of the impact if the masses knew that Jesus’ message was actually of our shared divinity, and that we were all working our way back to the Godhead through many lifetimes. Then add in the notion that a soul didn’t actually need anyone’s intercession to achieve reunion with the Source. In that case, why would people accept the Church’s authority? If, however, they believed they only had one lifetime and submission to official church doctrine and church prelates was the only way to salvation, they were far more likely to fall in line and behave as the Church intended. So the Church struck out the heretical passages from the Gospels and instigated the concept of a single Judgment Day. Worked very well for them, though the Inquisition had to get a little nasty in suppressing Christian sects like the Cathars, which did hold to reincarnation well into the Middle Ages.”

  “So Gaëlle’s maybe not so crazy after all.”

  “Pardon?”

  “Oh, sorry, David. I was just thinking of my friend who believes strongly in reincarnation. She was even convinced that... Well, it doesn’t matter now.”

  David eyed Lee keenly. “Is this your friend in Donegal?”

  “Yes.”

  “She sounds like an interesting woman. Will she be coming to Liz and Eli’s wedding?”

  “No. Her son is getting married too.”

  “This weekend? Oh, that’s unfortunate. Just bad timing, I guess.”

  Lee stared at her hands, unable to meet David’s eyes. “Truthfully, I don’t know if Dale’s wedding is this weekend or not. I haven’t talked to Gaëlle since I left.”

  “Why not? I thought you two became great friends.”

  To Lee’s dismay, the tears started again. She hastily grabbed for the ever-present tissues.

  David was quiet while she composed herself.

  “Do you want to talk about it, Lee?”

  “No, I’m good. You can put your pastoral hat away, thanks.” Damn eyes. Stop this bawling.

  “I wasn’t donning it. I was offering a friend’s ear.”

  Lee was certain when she opened her mouth that she was going to forestall any such discussion once and for all. Instead the words erupted. “I fucked up so badly. I just ran like a goddamned coward. I took off into the night without even giving her a chance. I was just so scared. I couldn’t do it again. It almost killed me the first time. I couldn’t...I just couldn’t.”

  “What couldn’t you do?”

  “I couldn’t take a chance on loving Gaëlle, not when she has cancer. I couldn’t watch another woman I love die on me. But I should’ve talked to her. I should’ve explained why I couldn’t stay. I’m so ashamed of myself.”

  “Gaëlle is battling cancer presently?”

  “No. Her daughter said Gaëlle’s in remission—for a second time. But we thought Dana had beaten it the first time, too, and look what happened to her. Maybe Gaëlle has beaten it back twice. What happens the next time?”

  “You d
on’t know that there will be a next time, Lee.”

  “And you don’t know that there won’t.”

  “You’re right. Tell me, did you ever confess your love to her?”

  “Yes. The night I ran.”

  Lee felt the ever-present despair of going from the thrill and expectation of new love to disappearing without a word. She had spent countless hours brooding over the pain she’d inflicted on Gaëlle. “She didn’t deserve that.”

  “She didn’t deserve what?”

  “One minute we’re in love, kissing and looking forward to the future...the near future...and the next minute, poof! I’m out the door and down the road.”

  “And you haven’t called? Has she called you?”

  Lee hung her head. “I haven’t taken any of her calls since I left.”

  “Tell me, my friend, if Gaëlle walked in the door right now, what would you say to her?”

  “I’d fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness for being such a mean-spirited bitch.”

  “Would you ask her to take you back? To give your love a chance?”

  “No. That I couldn’t do.”

  “Let me play Devil’s Advocate for a moment. You and Dana were a couple for many years. You raised a son together, built a home and a life, all the while believing it would never change. It was understandable that you were devastated by her loss.” David leaned forwarded, his gaze kind, but insistent. “You’ve only known this other woman a few months. Why do you assume that you would suffer to the same degree? Perhaps if her cancer did return, you would be able to handle it with far greater equanimity, albeit sadness, of course.”

  Lee’s laugh was painful to hear. “Because with Gaëlle, it would be all or nothing.”

  “She is not one to be a casual romance?”

  “No. No, she sure isn’t. She’s brilliant, passionate, intense, and I know when she loves, she loves without escape hatches. Anyone who dares love her couldn’t help but do so in the same way.”

  “So you chose nothing.”