Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  FIGHTING CULTURAL VIOLATIONS

  What can men and women do with their anger at these and other cultural boundary violations? We can set new boundaries. We can take care that male and female children are shown a wider view of women.

  Some of the following suggestions do depart from most of the boundary setting examples in the rest of the book. These go beyond saying, “No,” or “Pay attention to this thing that is important to me.”

  When it comes to cultural gender violations, we must set boundaries in a wider way, by influencing the culture. Increasing your own consciousness, promoting increased consciousness for others—particularly children—and supporting organizations that promote changes in cultural attitudes or that create conditions in which girls are assisted in going beyond traditional female limits are the actions required if we are to influence the setting of a cultural boundary.

  If we leave it to individuals, alone, without the support and commerce of other women and men, to influence cultural change just through the setting of individual boundaries in daily circumstances, we will wait a long time for the culture to be influenced. Certainly, girls and young women will not benefit quickly.

  As more women are empowered, as girls are empowered early enough to have wider choices, a wave of boundaries spreads throughout the culture, and we come naturally to be intolerant of discrimination. We only have to look at the improvements for women since the 1970s to see the truth of this. North American women entering the new century are much more likely to perceive and object to gender violations such as patronizing treatment or cracks about female logic than women of the 1950s who would have joined in and laughed off such insults.

  We can’t, however, afford to rest on our laurels. Women are a long way from parity with men when it comes to the wealth and power structure in our country. Women’s thoughts and contributions are still dismissed, just much more subtly.

  I was in a store in Chicago recently, a store that specializes in maps and items for travelers. As I looked at a case of miniature doodads, an imposing man from a Middle Eastern country entered my space. He stepped much too close to me with his eyes on the case and I understood his intent was to bully me out of his way.

  Had this happened twenty-five years ago I would have moved without thinking about it and without being conscious that I was joining in his assumption that he had more of a right to stand where he wanted than did I. Had it happened thirty years ago, I might have giggled apologetically and said, “Excuse me,” as I moved out of his way.

  But it happened now, so I understood the dynamics of the situation immediately. These are the very subtle types of interchanges that still happen among the unwary and that can be caught only if we stay alert.

  Thus the following suggestions are more global than those in the rest of this book. We must know how to influence the culture positively and we must stay awake.

  PARTICIPATING IN SETTING CULTURAL BOUNDARIES

  1. Remember that the advances in female parity are recent. The women’s liberation movement occurred in the seventies. (And there are still women who would be embarrassed to be called feminists.) We cannot afford to be complacent about two decades of improvement when we contrast that to at least 5,000 years of female oppression. We must continue to expand our consciousness so that we can catch subtle instances of gender violations and stop them.

  2. Remember that really striking advancements are confined to small parts of the world. Vast populations of women still live and die with truncated choices. Women in certain Eastern European countries have been deliberately and horribly raped as military policy and as an attempt at genocide. We can contribute to movements that provide shelter, counseling, and legal relief for these women.11

  Empowering and providing assistance to women who have been harmed by men sets a limit by demonstrating our unwillingness to let women stay in the trauma caused by those conditions. It puts our outrage into a form that does some good. It says to the trammeled sister, “Here’s a hand up. I pay attention that this was done to you.”

  3. Promote self-esteem for girls. Teaching women’s place in history makes girls proud and improves how boys view women. Encourage your local schools to add curriculum and fund resources that help kids think about women’s lives. The National Women’s History Project12 has wonderful inexpensive resources and kits for teachers to use at all school levels as well as books and posters that families can use at home.

  Boys and girls that view women differently grow up into men and women who won’t tolerate gender oppression.

  4. Support organizations that provide empowering experiences for girls such as the Girl Scouts and the YWCA. Some youth organizations that were once exclusively for boys have opened their rolls to girl membership. These clubs can also be valuable, but boys and some leaders in those organizations may still carry subtle cultural attitudes that limit what girls will try to do.

  Even today, there are places where the organizations for boys receive more funding for their programs than organizations for girls. Call your community fund drive and check the allocations to boy and girl youth organizations. If they are unequal, protest. Give your money directly to the organization rather than to the fund drive. (Sometimes the girls will be portrayed in fund advertising even though their allocation has been eliminated. If they say they have a per capita allocation, in other words that they give more to organizations that have more kids signed up, point out that additional funding allows for expanded services that then attract greater membership.)

  Girls in strictly female clubs are more likely to hold responsible positions, are more likely to share their ideas, and have higher self-esteem. They are more inclined to believe that they have options and that they can take risks. Girls who are in Girl Scouts, for example, are more likely to take leadership positions in other situations, such as at school or at church, and to enter leadership roles as women.

  5. Don’t let yourself be violated. If your doctor doesn’t take you seriously, switch doctors. If an exam hurts, say so. Ask for a gentler approach. If you are in extreme straits, insist on appropriate and vigorous help. If a professional treats you like the little woman, fire him.

  6. Look at your life. If you are a woman, what have you avoided doing because you thought you couldn’t because you were female? How have you limited your own experiences because of attitudes instilled in you? Talk with other women. Get support for extending yourself. Do the things you want to do.

  If you are a man, can you identify situations in which you advanced at the expense of a woman?

  THE BIG PICTURE

  Men have paid a bigger price than they know for their privileges and power. Men have been sought, not for themselves, but for what they can acquire or achieve. Men have been fooled and ensnared by subtle calculation, locked in relationships based on power plays and manipulation rather than true, honest, respectful connection.

  The great war between the sexes is repeated in our internal war against our own mix of femaleness or maleness. As we shift in our treatment and perspective on the opposite sex, we shift in our acceptance of ourselves as well. As we gain acceptance for our own opposite sex characteristics, we respond more positively to the other gender.

  Man and woman must achieve full partnership if the planet is to survive.13 When the great thinkers of our time make this statement, they are speaking literally, not metaphorically. The planet Earth is in trouble, and the problems of the people on Earth are also serious, and it will take all of us working together to pull ourselves through the crisis that is at hand.

  We have violated the boundaries of the natural world and it will take cooperation to fix the harm we’ve done. We can no longer afford to lose the contributions of any group of people be they different in race, gender, sexuality, religion, culture, or heritage.

  Chapter 16

  DIVORCE BOUNDARIES

  Even three years after her divorce, Magda Coupe could not feel safe. Despite a protection order, her ex-husband still patrolled her bl
ock. When she started dating, a glance behind her date’s car would show Mel’s beat-up black truck a few cars back. She’d occasionally wake in the night to his hammering on the front door.

  When Mel had his day with their son, Tommy would return smeared with candy, arms full of expensive gifts, chattering about all the questions Daddy asked about Mommy. Magda did everything she could to preserve Tommy’s respect for his father. Mel did everything he could to turn Tommy against his mom.

  She couldn’t be sure how far Mel’s rage would go. He had nearly killed her when they were married, yet she couldn’t afford to uproot Tommy and run. All her assets were in the house and she had enough from her job to live one week at a time. She felt trapped in a nightmare.

  There are too many stories of a parent (most of the time a woman) in this situation. They have had to divorce to save their life and possibly their children’s. Meanwhile, they may continue to be the target of their ex-partner’s rage.

  Unfortunately, there are still judges who take lightly a woman’s need to have legal protection from a violent ex-partner. In some areas, the typical police response to a woman’s cry for help from a stalking ex is so tardy that women stop calling.

  Too often children are used to control an ex-spouse. Departing fathers use their superior economic positions to entice their children to greener pastures. Ex-husbands leave ex-wives so destitute, the women are forced to scratch out a meager existence while completing an education and still providing loving care for their children.

  Mothers have clutched their children possessively, allowing only cursory attention from perfectly good fathers. Children have pined for calls or visits from a departing parent, who seemingly shook off the past from themselves like dust from their shoes.

  Love your child more than you hate your departing spouse. Remember that your child needs the love of both parents, so long as they can provide responsible care.

  With the divorce rate approaching 67 percent, we need a divorce ethic. You can have an honorable divorce, one in which good boundaries protect the emotional, physical, and financial integrity of all who are affected by it.

  AN HONORABLE DIVORCE

  1. Put the children first. Marital conflict affects even babies, who have difficulty returning to physiological calm after being upset.14

  2. Don’t use the children to get at your ex-spouse. Children of a contentious divorce lose four years from their life span. If they themselves eventually divorce, they lose eight years.15

  3. Don’t discredit or undermine the other parent.

  4. Divide assets fairly.16 Leave neither parent so destitute that they must sacrifice themselves for their children’s care.

  5. Do nothing to threaten, harm, or endanger the children—or the other parent.

  6. Seek help to handle your anger or rage.

  7. Do not stalk the other parent.

  8. Get help in accepting that your lives are now separate.

  9. Protect the children from a truly dangerous parent.

  10. Let the children stay in contact with a good parent.

  11. Be a good parent yourself and stay in contact with your children.

  12. Grieve.

  13. Let go.

  14. If you’ve been through three or more unsuccessful significant relationships, get help. Find out how you are keeping yourself trapped in a revolving door.

  WHAT AN HONORABLE DIVORCE LOOKS LIKE

  Cliff and Tara Graymeyer divorced after seven years of marriage. They had a five-year-old boy, Billie. They sold their house and bought a duplex. Cliff lived on one side, Tara on the other. Billie could run from one side to the other to be with either parent.

  It was hard on each of the adults when the other one started dating, but they bore it as a willing price so that Billie could have the fullest possible childhood. These wonderful parents carried the entire consequences of their decisions so that their son’s security and health would be protected.

  Chapter 17

  POSSESSION BOUNDARIES

  When Clarene married Ernesto, she drove a humble little compact car—a bit worn, but quick and perky. It suited her exactly. It never broke down, it fit into nearly any parking space, and was as agile as a gazelle.

  Ernesto had a thing against the car. He began a campaign to replace it. It had no class whatsoever. The dent over the right headlight made it look loopy. The side was pushed in a bit and the bumper hung crooked.

  Clarene loved her car. It was hers. It was the first car she’d bought out of money she’d made at her first jobs. It represented independence to her. She felt good driving it. She felt good about herself driving it.

  Ernesto talked about his professional image and how unsuitable it was for her to drive such a battered vehicle. It reflected badly on him, he said. He wanted to buy her a nice car. He wanted her to live like a princess.

  Eventually Clarene felt that she was being unnecessarily stubborn. It seemed so important to Ernesto, and a car was just a thing, after all. She gave in.

  He got her a polished, sedate sedan. He insisted on elegant black. It drove, in her opinion, like a huge coffin. Its boundaries were too far from her own edges. She felt isolated from the world while she was driving.

  She never felt comfortable in that car. She missed her old car, but it was gone forever. She had let him take it from her, and she regretted it for years.

  • • •

  Marie treasured the rocking chair that her mother had been rocked in as an infant. When her husband, Stan, would hit her, threaten her, or demean her, she’d restore herself by nestling in the rocker with an afghan, a book, and a cup of tea. In their small house it was her private preserve. She’d feel her grandmother embracing her from the grain of the wood and she’d remember that she had been loved by the women of her family.

  One year Marie went to visit her daughter, Naomi, five hundred miles away in Vancouver. Stan didn’t like Naomi. She wasn’t his daughter and was openly disdainful of his drinking and his treatment of her mother.

  When Marie came back home, it took her a while to figure out what was missing. It was when she was seeking comfort after one of Stan’s episodes that she realized her rocking chair was gone.

  For once she confronted him, despite the danger of it. “Where is my chair?”

  “I donated it to Goodwill. You’re always moping about the poor. I did it for you.”

  She went immediately to Goodwill, but it was gone. They couldn’t trace it.

  • • •

  Sadly, I’ve heard many stories like this. A man or woman enters matrimony with some treasured possession from the past—a car, an heirloom, a set of dishes, a pet, a doll, an old ratty desk. But their new mates seem to have a need to break their attachment to the object. Out of a desire to be a good spouse, and because of the pressure exerted on them, they relinquish the possession—to their great and long-lasting regret. Occasionally, as in Marie’s case, their partners dispose of the object without their consent.

  When someone gets rid of anything they know you treasure without your consent, they are committing a boundary violation. They are also demonstrating that they will scapegoat you in service to their own rage, hostility, or insecurity. An assault to your treasure is an assault directed at you. It’s a deliberate infliction of emotional pain, used in order to control or punish you.

  The things we treasure contribute to our sense of self. They may represent our heritage, history, genealogy, friendships, times of joy or innocence, memories, achievements, or self-discovery. When we let someone take such an item from us, we lose more than the object; we also give ourselves and the other the message that we cannot protect what is our own. We are diminished and we lose personal power.

  If your partner pressures you to relinquish a treasure, look to the larger issue. Refuse to argue about the item. Take a clear stand that you want to keep it, you will keep it, and it is nonnegotiable.

  Then, ask your mate to talk about what it represents to them. If they have difficulty answe
ring—or if their answer is less than reasonable—it’s probably a good idea to insist on marriage counseling, for your partner will likely do other things to try to control you.

  This is an issue that looks like a relationship problem, but it is really a form of attack, a way for someone to feel safe or powerful. Their anxiety or fear is projected outward, into some object outside themselves, in order to deal with some internal discomfort.

  Giving up the thing you treasure will not really fix things for your partner, because no matter how much power they get over other people, their inner discomfort will still return. We can’t fix our inner issues by making someone else change.

  EXAMPLE—SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH SOMEONE WHO PRESUMES TOO MUCH

  Maisie and Gina were roommates in college. Maisie wanted to wear a pair of lacy panties to the Homecoming dance under her gown. When she couldn’t find them in her lingerie drawer, she began tearing through other drawers and cabinets. She couldn’t find them.

  The next day, when she did her laundry, she found them. This was a mystery because she only wore them on special occasions, and the last such event had occurred months before. Later she mentioned the whole situation to Gina.

  “I wore them,” Gina said.

  “You what?” Maisie responded, disbelieving.

  “I wore them. I’ve been too busy to do laundry. I was out, so I looked in your drawer. They were pretty, so I borrowed them.”

  “That’s not okay,” said Maisie. “First of all, I want you to ask before you wear any of my things. Second, I don’t lend my underwear. It’s too personal. Not only that, those undies are special to me. I only wear them for special occasions. Now you’ve changed their specialness. You’ve changed how I feel about them.”