Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  “Good grief.” Gina flopped on her bed and stuck out her lip. “It’s only a pair of panties. I’ll get you another pair at Kmart if it means so much to you.”

  “That’s not the point. If you can’t understand what I’m saying here, that in itself is important.”

  “I can’t wait to tell Dawn about this.”

  “If you’re going to spread this around the dorm, I’ll ask for a new roommate. I’m not going to be threatened by gossip when all I’m doing is sticking up for myself. It isn’t selfish to protect things that matter. I get to choose what is important to me. If you can’t respect that, I can’t be your roommate.”

  Borrow clothing only if you have permission, and even if you have general permission, make an additional specific request if the item you’d like to use is intimate, special, expensive, or very personal.

  PRIVACY BOUNDARIES

  Zoe’s mom came to visit. Zoe still had to work, so her mother stayed home during the day, and then they’d have a nice meal and the evening together.

  As Zoe carried out the trash cans one evening, the lid came off. She was astounded to see a teddy bear and shoe boxes in the can. The shoe boxes held mementos that had been stored in her closet.

  She pulled those items out and then searched through all the garbage, finding some childhood story books and a diary she’d kept in college. It had been intact but now it had a broken lock. She was so furious that she had to sit and compose herself before gathering her treasures and marching back to the house.

  “Mother,” she said firmly, her voice revealing her appropriate anger, “what have you been doing while I’ve been at work?”

  Her mother looked up from the TV. “I just sorted out your closets and drawers, dear. You have too much stuff.”

  “Am I twelve, Mother?”

  She laughed. “Hardly.”

  “Actually, it would even be wrong to do this to a twelve-year-old. Mother, you had no right to go through my closets or drawers. You have no right to throw out my things. You are not allowed to read my diaries or journals.”

  “I don’t know what you’re so upset about. Those are just childhood things.”

  “They’re memories, Mother. It’s a part of my history and I get to choose what to keep from those times.”

  “There’s a Lucy rerun you’d love to see.”

  “Mother, pay attention. Do not ever go through any of my things again. If you can’t stay out of my stuff, tell me right now.”

  “I’m just interested in you, dear. I like to see what you have.”

  “Do you have any concept of what is private and what isn’t?”

  “Well, of course, I’m not a fool.”

  “Do you know that you violated my privacy?”

  “You’re my daughter. We don’t have secrets.”

  “Let me make this really clear. I am not willing to put padlocks on my closets and drawers, and I can’t be worried while I’m at work about what you’re doing here, so tomorrow, I’ll take you to either the senior center or the library, your choice. I’ll pick you up when I’m through working.”

  “That’s not comfortable for me, dear.”

  “That’s too bad. I can’t trust you because you don’t even know what you did.”

  “I don’t know why you’re making such a big thing out of this.”

  “I am so angry, it’s taking everything I’ve got to stay respectful and clean,” said Zoe. “Tomorrow you are not staying here, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to risk leaving you here alone, so perhaps you can think about places you’d like to stay while I’m working.”

  “I think I’d rather just leave early and go back home.”

  “If you’d cut short the visit rather than be willing to understand what you’ve done, that’s your choice. It’s a great disappointment to me that you’d prefer to go instead of admitting that you’ve violated my privacy, but, as I said, that’s your choice. I’ve got to make a call. Think about what your definite decision is going to be and let me know later.”

  • • •

  Reading an adult’s journal, going through someone’s private things, reading another person’s letters—these are all boundary violations. We all need to be able to count on the integrity of our privacy, for this is one of the ways we restore ourselves.

  Mementos, treasures, closets, and drawers are personal. They are not to be invaded by others, not to be sorted through or discarded without permission.

  The only normal exception is if a departing spouse, partner, roommate, or adult child has ignored deadlines for getting their things out of a no-longer-shared space. We are not required to be the permanent custodian of the archives of a grown child or an ex-partner.

  Another exception is when the space or objects belong to someone who has died or who has lost their mental faculties, and you are responsible for sorting out their affairs.

  SETTING BOUNDARIES ON EXPLOITATION

  Langley borrowed Sven’s lawnmower and returned it covered with grass and low in gasoline. Sven gritted his teeth, serviced the mower, and said nothing when Langley borrowed it again. Of course it came back as dirty as before. Finally Sven said, “Langley, after you use my mower, please replace the gas and clean the blades and engine.”

  “Sure thing,” said Langley with a friendly wave as he headed back to his place.

  The next time Langley returned the mower, it had been swiped once with a cloth. Big clumps of grass had been brushed off, but the blades still had green paste where grass had mushed up next to the housing. The gas indicator showed half as much gas as it had had when Sven let him take it.

  When Langley came to borrow it again, Sven asked, “Langley, do you know how to maintain a mower?”

  Langley said, “Sure. I took care of mine just fine till it stopped running for some reason.”

  Sven felt stuck. If he tried to teach Langley now, it would seem as if he didn’t believe him. Still, he pushed himself to say more. “Well, however you treated your own mower, here’s what I do with mine.” Sven explained step by step how maintenance should be done.

  Langley agreed cheerfully and went off with the mower. It came back a little better this time, but plenty of green gunk was stuck to the housing and the gas was almost gone.

  Sven told Langley he wouldn’t be able to lend him his mower again.

  Langley asked if he could borrow Sven’s weedeater.

  What do you think?

  1. Sven should have tried one more time to explain this whole thing to Langley.

  2. Sven should lend the weedeater.

  3. Sven should offer to cut Langley’s grass. He’s too anal about keeping his mower clean.

  4. Sven has already done too much explaining before taking a stand.

  I’d go with option 4. Sven has already put far more effort into this situation than is appropriate given Langley’s disregard. Sven’s first clue was the first time Langley returned the mower without cleaning it or replacing the gas. Perhaps Langley was ignorant about the advantages of cleaning a mower, but an adult should already know to replace any consumables he’s used, whether it’s the gas in a machine or the half cord of firewood he used for a backyard bonfire. We don’t exploit a friend’s generosity by letting them be out of pocket for something that benefits us.

  How could Sven have set a limit the first time Langley returned the mower?

  “Langley, you forgot to refill the gas tank of the mower. Bring me a half can of gas the next time you want to borrow it. And I need it to come back clean next time. If it doesn’t that will be the last time I’ll lend it to you.”

  Should Sven explain mower maintenance in detail at this point? No. Langley has already revealed himself as someone who uses people. A person who had simply forgotten about the gas would respond with something like, “Holy smoke, I told myself to refill the gas tank and just forgot. I’ll bring it right over. But honestly, Sven, it looks clean to me. What else needs to be done?”

  This response shows an interest in
keeping things equitable. It also demonstrates that Langley will take responsibility for finding out what he doesn’t know.

  We sometimes fall into the trap of thinking we should have explained all our expectations in advance—and, since we didn’t, we don’t now have the right to ask for something different. It’s as if we see ourselves at fault for not anticipating anything that could have happened, rather than hold the other person accountable for understanding certain basics about not exploiting us. In short, we may be so fair to the other person that we end up being unfair to ourselves.

  A clue that you’re doing too much in a relationship is if you find yourself teaching the other person the same thing over and over. Sven kept teaching Langley about mower maintenance. Sven was missing the big picture—that Langley didn’t care about Sven’s preferences regarding his mower. Langley was interested in getting away with as much as possible.

  You always have the right to amend a generosity you’ve extended. Do this as soon as you see signs that someone can’t or won’t observe your appropriate limits.

  “Maddie, when I said your friends could call my number till you get your own phone, I didn’t realize your friends would be calling you after midnight. I have to withdraw my offer.”

  “Sun Li, how did I know he would call then? Don’t punish me for what Cal did.”

  “I’m just taking care of myself here. I would never have offered if I’d known your friends would be calling so late.”

  “I told him not to do that. He does it anyway.”

  “Well, if he doesn’t respect your request, he sure isn’t going to respect mine.”

  “We could put your phone in my room. Then it wouldn’t bother you.”

  “No, it’s my phone. I want it in my room. I’m turning off the ringer when I go to sleep.”

  You also have the right to withdraw a courtesy if it turns out not to be working well for you—even if the other person is responding with respect and regard.

  “Hawk, I know I said you could use my computer, but it just isn’t working for me. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You’ve paid attention to everything I’ve asked of you. I didn’t realize when I offered it that I’d feel the way I do. My whole life is on that computer. Even though you’re my best friend, I feel like someone is walking into my brain when you use it.”

  “I’m really hurt, Donna. I did everything you asked.”

  “I know you did, Hawk. This isn’t about you. It’s about me. I offered more than I could afford to, and I just didn’t realize it until afterwards.”

  “This bums me out. Now I’ll have to go to Kinko’s to do my letters.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Should Donna pay for Hawk to use the computer at Kinko’s? No. If Donna had never offered, Hawk still would have had to find a computer somewhere else.

  Should Donna investigate the library and see if Hawk could use that computer for free? No, it’s up to Hawk to discover his options. Donna is not now obligated to do something extra for Hawk just because she found out she couldn’t follow through with her offer.

  Hawk is not in any worse situation as a result of Donna’s decision. He has already benefited from the use of the computer he’s had up to this point. Hopefully, when he gets past his initial irritation, he’ll remember that he did receive a gift from Donna, and that Donna is due some gratitude.

  WHAT IF?

  If you said you’ll take care of your friend’s dog while she’s on vacation, and you have a fight with her right before she leaves, what is appropriate?

  1. Make yourself do it even though your heart isn’t in it.

  2. Realize that the dog is innocent and deserves good care.

  3. Blow off the friend and the dog.

  4. Tell her that you can’t take care of Barks, even though she leaves on her flight at 5 A.M. the next morning.

  The correct response is 2. It’s not fair to make the dog a victim of your human disagreement. Nor is it fair to your friend (even if she’s now an ex-friend) to renege on a commitment you made in good faith when a close deadline is involved.

  If you can’t stomach caring for her pet, you can find someone else to do it or contribute some cash for a kennel, if your friend has time to make other arrangements.

  GOOD POSSESSION BOUNDARIES

  • Protect the things you cherish.

  • Don’t dispose of items that carry meaning for you, even when pressured to do so by a loved one.

  • Set limits for items that are too personal to be lent to others.

  • Set limits when you see that another person has a different sense of what is appropriate than you do.

  • Withdraw an offer if it turns out not to feel right to you.

  • When another person reveals that they will exploit your generosity, be careful not to offer them too much.

  • Define how you want your possessions treated. If someone can’t or won’t respect your requests, don’t give them further access to those possessions.

  • If your relationship with someone changes, it’s okay to withdraw offers that no longer fit the altered relationship. However, if the other person is depending on your offer and withdrawal will create a hardship for them, either find another way to fulfill the terms of your offer or give the person compensation.

  Chapter 18

  PARENT BOUNDARIES

  After her husband died, Maidie was lonely and scared, so she had her son sleep in the same bed with her. She turned to him in sorrow, seeking comfort. She clung to him and sobbed through the days and nights of her emptiness.

  Her son was six years old. He was too young for this burden. He did not have the maturity to handle such an intense, extended emotion. He was also too young to be able to say no to her exploitation.

  Though Maidie’s need and pain are completely understandable, it was still not okay for her to use her child this way. Children can’t say no to the will of adults. This is why they must be protected from situations that require more than they have the resources to handle.

  The 1998 film Life Is Beautiful captured many hearts and received several awards. It demonstrates one parent’s extraordinary efforts to protect his son from an unfathomable situation. Such a high standard of fathering gives the rest of us something to shoot for.

  We adults get desperate and lonely and frightened, but we do have options and resources. In every community, someone is available to help. We are the adults. We can make choices.

  Children have limited resources and even more limited choices. Their perspective does not reach beyond their families. The younger they are, the less their capacity to realize that they can say no, that they can ask for help, or that their parent’s behavior is wrong.

  Parents draw a circle in the sand with their behavior. Everything within the circle is seen as normal to a child. Everything on the outside is seen as abnormal. Children become imprinted with this distinction, and it determines their view of the world, their beliefs about relationships, and their sense of themselves.

  If the circle contains respect for differences, kindness, and love, children become adults with the ability to create their own circle of love and tolerance. If the circle contains anger, threat, abuse, or disregard, children grow up hating themselves, everyone else, or both. When such children reach adulthood, they will find kindness and generosity abnormal, possibly even suspicious.

  A circle containing neglect, exploitation, control, criticism, and estrangement will sprout a lonely child who does not know how to belong, feels undeserving and unfulfilled, and has difficulty connecting with others. This child could become an adult who finds tolerance abnormal.

  Children are so steeped in the culture of their family that once they become adults, it is difficult and wrenching for them to wash themselves of it. As a result, they then raise their own kids in a similar culture. Thus any distortions tend to be passed down through the generations.

  STOP THE BUCK

  Here is where therapy shines. It can be the fastest, mo
st effective way to dismantle the dysfunction that spirals from one generation to the next. Adults who cleanse themselves of their childhood programming do a much better job raising their own children. They can create a new family culture—one that promotes joy and happiness for their kids.

  Since children can’t know what is normal and what is not, it’s up to the adults in a family to discipline themselves to stay within healthy limits and to turn to other adults to have their emotional and physical needs met.

  BOUNDARIES WITH CHILDREN, PART I

  1. Do not exploit children.

  2. Do not turn to them with your complex adult issues, needs, or feelings.

  3. Do not seek physical comfort from them by making them sleep with you for an extended period.

  4. Do not seek any manner of sexual gratification from them.

  5. Do not touch them sexually. Do not use their bodies in any way for your sexual relief.

  6. Do not look at them sexually.

  7. Do not make sexual comments to them.

  8. Do not comment about other people in a sexual way in front of them.

  9. Do not expose them to sexual materials, publications, or devices.

  APPROPRIATE DEGREES OF RESPONSIBILITY

  Yolanda Race had wanted a dog ever since she was a pup herself. Finally, the improbable happened; when she was eleven, her mother relented. Yolanda could have a dog, but she’d have to be totally responsible for it.

  Yolanda took good care of Woofer. However, the county required that all dogs be licensed and have innoculations. The vet’s bill came to $64.

  Mrs. Race refused to pay it. From the start she had told Yolanda she would have to be responsible for her pet. She insisted that bill was Yolanda’s problem.