Hopeless Vows

by Rachael Duncan

  “Hi, guys, I’m Austin,” I wave and introduce myself. Real smooth. Way to make an ass of yourself in the first five seconds. Everyone waves and smiles in response except for one.

  “Good, God! She’s landed herself a hottie!” shouts a petite woman in the front row. I let out a chuckle. I can’t help it. While it’s slightly embarrassing to be put on the spot like that, I’m thankful she cut some of the tension and loosened everyone up in the room.

  My palms are sweaty, my stomach is twisting into knots, and I must’ve pulled at my collar a hundred times by now. I wonder if she’s as nervous as I am. Is she having second thoughts? Suddenly, the music starts and the doors begin to open. Everyone stands and turns toward the back of the room.

  Time stands still, and the air gets trapped in my lungs. As soon as I see her, a wide smile appears on my face. She looks like a vision, everything I could have imagined and more. The lighting from above casts a glow around her, giving her an angelic hue. Her perfect smile draws me in as her gorgeous eyes light up. Her dress perfectly outlines her body, accentuating her large breasts and tiny waist. I need to make sure I thank the experts. She’s hot as hell!

  My heart beats faster and harder the closer she gets. This woman is about to be mine. But then it plummets to the pit of my stomach as she freezes halfway to me. Her mouth falls open and her eyes widen. She becomes pale and looks like she’s seen a ghost. I glance around as everyone starts to murmur, wondering why she stopped. Right when I’m about to make my way to her, she shakes her head slightly and keeps walking.

  When she stands before me, she gives me a tight smile. Her shoulders are tense and her whole demeanor has changed since the doors opened. It makes me feel unsettled. I don’t want her to marry me if she thinks it’s a mistake, and everything about her body is telling me she wants to run. Not that she could if she wanted to. We’re both contractually obligated to go through with this. But contract be damned, I wouldn’t want to force anyone into this if they really didn’t want to do it.

  “Jillian Taylor, meet Austin James. Austin James, I’d like to introduce to you Jillian Taylor,” the officiant says.

  “Nice to meet you,” she replies from beneath her eyelashes. Her shyness makes me grin. She’s beautiful.

  “You too,” I respond.

  Jillian hands her flowers off to the outspoken girl in the front row and the ceremony begins. I reach out and grab her hand. I’m not really sure why since she’s a stranger, but I need this connection to her. I need to know she’s in this with me. That we’re really doing this together. I have every intention of seeing this through and my hope is she’ll be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.

  There’s still awkward tension and I’m sure it doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone here. She never completely relaxes as we become man and wife. I keep staring into her stunning blue eyes and my thumb rubs the back of her hand, hoping to bring her reassurance.

  “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

  I don’t know what comes over me, especially since she’s so stiff, but I go for it. I kiss my wife for the first time, and I have to say it’s fucking amazing. At first she’s stunned, not responding at all. But soon enough, she molds her mouth to mine and kisses me back. As far as first kisses go, she knocks it out of the damn park. I pull back sooner than I’d like, but I don’t think getting a hard on in front of our friends and family at our wedding would be appropriate.

  Looking down at her, I grin when I see her eyes are still closed. When she opens them, she looks up and there’s this spark, this electricity coursing between us. It’s almost tangible, and it settles my nerves while accelerating my pulse. After a moment, she reaches up and runs her thumb across my lips.

  “I got lipstick on you,” she says quietly.

  I wink at her. “It’s all good.” That’s when I notice all the hollering and clapping coming from our audience. Her cheeks redden as we turn to face the crowd.

  “It is with great pleasure, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Austin James.” Our family and friends cheer again as we make our way down the aisle with her arm looped through mine.

  Once we’re out of the doors, the moment is broken by the set of cameras in my face, waiting for us at the exit. “This is going to get old,” I mutter on a sigh. “So . . .” I start. Man, this is awkward. I’m married to this girl and I don’t know a thing about her other than her name.

  “So . . .” she replies.

  “Did you think this would be so uncomfortable?” I ask as we walk side by side down the hall.

  “Nope.”

  “Where are you from?”

  “North Carolina.”

  I never would’ve placed her as being from the South since she has no trace of an accent. But maybe she’s been away long enough it’s faded. “You live in New York now, right?” She nods. “What brought you up north?” I lead us over to a couch so we can sit down and talk some more.

  “My career. There really aren’t many opportunities to work for huge fashion magazines where I’m from.” I admire her for chasing her dreams and going after what she wanted. That takes guts to move to a big city like that. “What about you? Are you from here?” she asks.

  “Yep, grew up in the New Rochelle area. I’m still there actually.”

  “Nice, and that’s not far from me, which is good. I was afraid they paired me with someone who lived in a different state.” She smiles again while letting some of the tension roll off of her.

  “What do you do for the magazine?”

  “I’m a columnist. What about you?”

  “I run my own business.”

  “Impressive,” she states. I shrug in response. Truth is, it is something I’m proud of. When I became old enough, the company my father started was passed down to me. He did well, but I’ve grown it into something he never thought was possible.

  “Okay, newlyweds, we’re going to set up for some pictures,” a photographer tells us.

  “Shall we, Mrs. James?” I ask as I hold my arm out to her.

  “We shall.” Her smile is enough to make me speechless. I can’t get over how stunning she is.

  We’ve been taking pictures for about five minutes. They all feel very posed and stiff. I swear these will look identical to my prom pictures. Her back is to my front with my arms wrapped around her. Her shoulders are slightly elevated toward her ears, showing how tense she still is.

  “Relax,” I whisper into her ear. “I won’t bite.” Goose bumps race down her neck and spine. She looks over her shoulder and gives me a smirk.

  “Sorry, I’m just a little nervous.”

  “How about a kiss from the happy couple?” This photographer is so cheesy, but he’s probably used to overly-happy couples who have known each other longer than fifteen minutes.

  She looks over her shoulder at me again, waiting for me to kiss her. Instead, I grab her arm, quickly spin her away from me, catch her by the small of her back, pull her to me again, and dip her. She yelps out in surprise, but then throws her head back and laughs. It’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. When she looks back up at me, I lean down and seal my lips over hers. She responds immediately, kissing me back slowly. All too soon, I pull away and look deep into her eyes. They darken and fill with lust, but beneath that is a layer of fear. Of what, I don’t know, but I hope to find out soon.

  Jillian

  I’M RELIEVED HE doesn’t know who I am. As much as I try to enjoy the moment, I just can’t. What should be the happiest day of my life has been tainted by the one thing that haunts me. The one thing that no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape.

  “You did it!” Janey exclaims as she approaches me. Austin and I just finished taking pictures, so this is the first opportunity I’ve had to see my friend since saying I do.

  “I know!” I try to match her enthusiasm, but I know she sees through it.

  Giving me a hug, she whispers in my ear so the cameras can’t hear. “Is that who I think it is?”
/>   “Yes,” I whisper back. “I can’t talk right now though.”

  “Later.” She pulls away, her hands grasping my shoulders. “It’ll be okay.” I hope she’s right. I just need to push through the next eight weeks and put this all behind me. There’s no way we can stay together with what’s at stake.

  Austin has been super sweet and attentive throughout the night. He seems genuinely interested in getting to know me. I just hate I can’t reciprocate the effort. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just think doing so will break me.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Austin asks me for the second time. I need to do a better job of hiding my feelings. It’s just hard since I could’ve never prepared for this turn of events.

  “Yeah, I’m so sorry if I seem distant or distracted. I’m just a little nervous.”

  He searches my face for what feels like an eternity. I’m terrified he’ll see the ugliness that lives in me—the ugliness I was born into—but I don’t break eye contact. “If you’re worried about tonight or think I have certain expectations about what will happen when we go up to our hotel room, don’t. We can take it slow, okay?”

  Seeing the sincerity in his eyes puts me at ease even though that’s not what’s been on my mind. I give him a small smile. “Thanks.” There he goes with that damn wink again. It’s disarming and chips away at my defenses. He’s so damn sexy when he does it and I’m powerless against it.

  Austin has a way of relaxing me as the night goes on. There’s a calmness about him despite my internal freak out. I decide the only way to deal with this is to push it to the back of my mind like I have so many times and live in the present.

  “Can we get the newlyweds onto the dancefloor, please?” the DJ says into the microphone.

  Austin stands and extends his hand out to me. “You ready for our first dance as husband and wife?”

  “You mean our first dance period?”

  “Eh,” he says with a shrug, “that’s just a minor detail. Come on, let me spin you around for a bit.”

  Placing my hand in his, there’s a quiet hum that passes through my body. I don’t know what it means, but it sends my heart racing. I need a distraction from this feeling. “Are we going to sway like a couple of kids at an eighth grade dance, or do you know how to dance?”

  “I can get through the basics.” He grins at me as he leads me to the middle of the floor. All eyes are on us and I become extremely anxious. “Relax,” he says close to my ear as he places his hand snug against the small of my back. Pulling back, he continues. “Look into my eyes. It’s you and me, no one else. Forget the cameras, our friends and family, it’s just us. Let loose and have some fun while I stumble through this, okay?”

  I can see why they paired me with him. I’ve always cared way too much about what people think, always afraid I’ll make a fool of myself. I had told the panel of experts that before. But with those few words, all of my anxiety washes away.

  I do as I’m told and stare into his chocolate brown eyes. There’s so much kindness and life within them that I find myself getting lost. The beginning strings of Daniel Grey’s “This Year’s Love” starts to play. “I hope you don’t mind I picked this song. It was the only part of this whole thing I wanted a say in, but if you listen to the words, I think it fits us perfectly.”

  A smile tugs at my lips. I actually love this song. “And how’s that?”

  “This love’s gonna last.”

  “What makes you so sure of that?” I joke with an arched eyebrow.

  He shrugs. “I believe in the process and in the experts.”

  I’m momentarily struck speechless. That’s the exact same thing I told Janey when she asked why I was going through with this. Before I can respond, he leads me through the first steps. He’s graceful, confident, and completely in control of our movements as we glide across the dance floor.

  “Stumble through my ass.” I narrow my eyes at him teasingly for leading on he wasn’t that good of a dancer. He’s amazing.

  “I can’t tell you all my secrets on the first day, now can I?” His boyish grin is so at odds with the strong, masculine man he is.

  “You can keep your secrets for now.” And I’ll hold mine forever.

  He spins me effortlessly before resuming the steps. The song begins to come to an end, and on the last string he dips me back as our audience claps and cheers. Giving me a chaste kiss on the lips, he pulls me upright and extends his arm out while holding on to my hand. He kisses the back of my hand as a fast song comes on.

  “Let me show you my moves.” He removes his jacket and hands it to one of his friends. He does a little stretching and I can’t help but laugh. You’d think he was preparing for a marathon. With a few exaggerated breaths and roll of his shoulders and neck, he puts one hand behind his head, and raises the other one up. He pauses as if he’s building anticipation. Then, busts out with the sprinkler. Between the seriousness of his face and the ridiculousness of this move, I can’t hold in my laughter. He continues on with the running man and several other horrible dance moves from the 80’s that should never resurface again.

  Right when I think he’s done and has nothing else up his sleeve, he winks at me and does a back flip. Everyone cheers while my mouth hangs wide open in surprise. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. He drops down to the floor and starts doing the worm before busting out into full on break dancing. He spins, twists, and flips. I’m mesmerized and can’t peel my eyes away from this man.

  Holy hell, he’s hot!

  The song ends, and he does this cheesy pose with his arms crossed over his chest like he’s a wannabe badass, but he is. That was the most impressive dancing I’ve ever seen in person.

  He walks the few steps separating us with a knowing smile. “Someone likes to show off,” I state with a roll of my eyes, pretending like I’m not enthralled.

  “If you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?”

  I don’t know what comes over me, but I grab the sides of his face and seal his lips to mine. It’s the first time I’ve initiated intimate contact, which isn’t saying much since we just met today, but this time feels different. I feel different. I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason I sense this is a turning point. For what or who, I don’t know yet.

  When I find the strength to pry my lips off of his, he leads me back off the dance floor and to the bar. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face even if I tried. This right here is probably the most fun I’ve had in my entire life.

  The night progresses like I assume any other wedding would. Well, minus the awkwardness of not knowing the groom or his family, but he puts a lot of effort into making me feel comfortable in a room full of strangers.

  His immediate family is really small, consisting of only his uncle. I learn his uncle never married and has no children, so it’s just the two of them. But what he lacks in family, he makes up for with friends. They’re a fun-loving, boisterous crowd who mimics Austin’s positive energy. Considering I only had four people show up for me, I’d expect seeing so many who love and support Austin would make me feel lonely, but it has the opposite effect. I don’t get a chance to dwell on the few people in my life because his friends make me feel like one of them. Without question they welcome me with open arms and pull me into their circle. There’s loud laughter, looks of approval, and hugs of acceptance. It’s weird and disarming at the same time, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starving for it.

  Austin talks to my friends transparently, letting them see who he is. Other than my best friend Janey, a couple girls from work showed up. To be honest, I’m not all that close with them and we never hang out, but when I gave the producer my guest list with one name on it, she informed me that wasn’t good enough and I was forced to invite a few more. My boss, Mrs. Van der Boor, is also in attending, shocking the hell out of me. Although she doesn’t stay long, her being here means a lot to me.

  I take a moment to survey the room as the night dwindles down. Everyone looks happy, sm
iling and enjoying themselves. Both sides are interacting with each other and getting along. Drinks are flowing, food is eaten, and songs are danced to. This is everything I ever wanted.

  And it’s the thing I can’t have.

  AS AUSTIN AND I make our ascent up the elevator, a new set of worries consume me. I know he said there were no expectations for tonight, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous. I mean, this is the most anticipated night for normal newlyweds. I guess we don’t really fall under the category of “normal” though.

  He unlocks the door and I start to go in, but I’m stopped by his hand on my wrist. “Uh, uh, uh. Now what kind of husband would I be if I didn’t carry my wife across the threshold?” Without waiting for a response, he bends slightly and scoops me up in his arms. His eyes hold me captive as he walks us into the suite and I can’t help the small smile that tugs at my lips.

  He’s the first to break eye contact and look around. “Wow, this is a pretty fancy set up we have here.” Without putting me down, he walks around the room and I take in all of its amenities.

  It really is stunning. A large, four poster bed draped in a white, organza canopy sits in the center. To the far corner is the largest tub I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Dozens of tea light candles placed around the edges make it warm and inviting. “Looks like someone was setting the mood,” I tease.

  “It appears that way, but I meant what I said. We can lay in the bed and I can watch you snore for all I care.”

  I scoff in offense. “I do not snore.”

  “I guess we’ll find out.” He always has this sideways grin on his face when he’s giving me a hard time. I’m starting to realize that’s his way of letting me know he’s only joking.

  He makes his way to the bed and gently sets me down on the edge. “Want a drink?” he asks as he points to the wet bar that’s visible in an adjoining room. There’s an ice bucket with a bottle of champagne next to a plate of chocolate covered strawberries on the counter. Man, they really tried to create a love shack in here. Turning around slowly, I’m reminded of just how unsexy this whole thing is as I stare at a camera that’s pointing at me while two other people stand quietly by. Even if I was ready to take that step, it’s a little hard with an audience. I’m not a porn star, after all.