Bittersweet

by Jannine Gallant

  “Is that why you’ve been seeing so much of Nathan?”

  She frowned. “I’m sorry; I don’t follow you.”

  “Is your displeasure with me the reason you’ve been seeing Nathan? Is he your ‘direct approach’?”

  Tess stopped. They stood in a shadowy area near the babies, well away from the other dancers. She jerked away from his grasp.

  “Is that what you think, that I’m using Nathan to prove a point?”

  He shrugged. “I guess not.”

  Her blood heated. “I’m seeing Nathan because I enjoy his company. He isn’t burdened by a lot of doubts and regrets. He’s honest with himself and with me about what he wants.”

  “I’ve been honest,” Daniel said in an indignant tone. “Excuse me for having some loyalty to my brother. If I’d been less honest, I would have taken you to bed when I had the chance, and damn the consequences.”

  She gasped. “You’re cruel, Daniel.” Turning on her heel, she walked away.

  * * * *

  Daniel watched her leave. Remorse settled heavily in his heart.

  “Tess,” he called out. “Tess, I’m sorry.” She kept walking. Pain at seeing her with Nathan had made him lash out.

  He leaned against the barn wall, wishing he could leave, knowing he couldn’t. He was Lottie’s escort and had an obligation to her. He had intentionally hurt Tess; he wouldn’t hurt her sister, too. He took a deep breath, suffocating in the warm barn. Lottie had expectations he couldn’t meet, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He groaned, floundering in an emotional quagmire of his own making.

  A soft cry caught his attention, and he glanced over at the babies. One sat up. He squatted down, and his gaze met Emily’s. Her lower lip trembled, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

  Daniel picked her up. “Did you hear your mama and me talking?” Emily snuggled against his chest and sighed. He stroked her soft hair. She was so much more than just his niece. He couldn’t love a child of his own more than he loved Emily.

  “Did she wake up?” a quiet voice asked.

  He looked over at Tess. “Yes.”

  “I’ll take her.”

  Reluctantly Daniel handed Emily to her mother. “Will you let me apologize, please?”

  She didn’t answer, but she didn’t walk away. He was thankful to get that much consideration.

  “I didn’t mean what I said, Tess. I took something precious and cheapened it, and I deeply regret doing so. Will you forgive me?”

  She finally looked at him. “Forgiveness isn’t the point. We keep hurting each other, and I’m tired of being hurt.”

  His eyes dropped, and he kicked some loose hay. “It’s my fault. This hasn’t been easy.”

  “It was your decision.”

  “I know. I’ll try harder, Tess. I really will.”

  “You’d better, because I intend to keep seeing Nathan. He’s a kind and decent man. I can’t ask for more than that.”

  “Do you love him?” Daniel held his breath, waiting for her answer, fearful it would break his heart.

  “I can’t worry about love. I have Emily to think about. I have to do what’s best for both of us.”

  “Are you going to marry him?”

  “He hasn’t asked.”

  “Will you if he does?”

  Tess stared at him. “I don’t know, Daniel. I just don’t know.”

  * * * *

  Tess left the dance with Nathan a short while later. When they reached the farm, she took Emily straight upstairs and put her to bed. While she went through the familiar nightly ritual of changing her daughter and nursing her, she thought about Nathan and her conversation with Daniel. She knew what she needed to do. Face set, she kissed Emily goodnight and headed downstairs.

  Nathan stood at the window in the front room, staring out at the dark night. He dropped the curtain at her approach and turned. He held out his hand.

  “Come here.”

  She went to him, taking his outstretched fingers and feeling them curl around her own.

  “Did you enjoy yourself this evening?” When she nodded he continued. “You seemed upset when we left.”

  “I wasn’t upset.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Daniel didn’t look very happy, either. What were you two discussing?”

  She sighed. “We had an argument. We’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

  “Was it about me?”

  She leaned against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her waist. “Yes.”

  “Should I be concerned?”

  She shook her head. Gently he cupped her chin in his big hand.

  “You look uncertain, Tess.”

  “I am,” she whispered.

  “Maybe this will help you make up your mind.”

  He lowered his mouth to hers in a soft caress. Her lips parted, and he quickly took advantage. His tongue stroked hers while his hands slid down her back, pulling her close.

  Tess shivered. She squeezed her eyes closed. His mouth and hands did clever things to her, arousing a response almost against her will. She clung to his shoulders, feeling the ripple of muscle as he moved. Their bodies were intimately aligned, and it wasn’t long before she felt his growing arousal.

  Finally he drew back. She opened her eyes.

  “Did that ease your uncertainty?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “We could try again.”

  She laughed softly. “Are you certain that wouldn’t add to my confusion?”

  “I’m willing to take the risk.” His lips covered hers again.

  The kiss was more demanding. She closed her mind to everything but the feel of his mouth on hers. But when his hands lowered to cup her bottom, she struggled. He released her immediately.

  “Am I going too fast?”

  She nodded. “I need time, Nathan. Anyway, Aunt Fay will be home soon.”

  “We don’t have to rush.” Taking her hand, he pulled her with him to the door. He settled his hat on his head and touched her cheek. “Goodnight, Tess.”

  “Goodnight, Nathan. Thank you for a lovely day.”

  “It was my pleasure.” He closed the door behind him.

  She went slowly up the stairs to her dark bedroom. Instead of lighting the lamp, she stood at the open window, staring out at the night. A light breeze caressed her face, cooling her heated cheeks. Down at the creek, a sleepy frog croaked once and was silent.

  Doc Fredericks’ buggy pulled into the yard, and he helped her aunt alight. They spoke softly together before Fay came inside. Tess listened to her quiet steps on the stairs and heard her door close. Aunt Fay’s relationship with the doctor seemed so much simpler than her own romantic entanglements.

  As she leaned against the sill, she meant to examine her feelings for Nathan. Instead, she thought of Daniel and wondered if he had kissed Lottie goodnight. Imagining the two of them sharing such an intimacy sent pain slicing through her chest.

  “I have no right to care,” she whispered. But she did care. She was jealous of Daniel’s attention to her sister.

  She touched her lips, forcing her wandering thoughts back to Nathan. She enjoyed his kiss. Her body responded to his caresses. The thought of being bedded by him didn’t repulse her, not at all. But how much of her desire was for Nathan, and how much of it was loneliness? She had enjoyed the physical side of her marriage to Rory. She missed it. Nathan had brought some of those old feelings back to life, but not the way Daniel had. When she was with Nathan, her insides didn’t quiver. Her toes didn’t curl, and her heart didn’t pound in her chest.

  She groaned. I’m no better than the whores in the saloons. Maybe any man would do. The breeze cooled her hot cheeks.

  In her heart she knew it wasn’t true. She wanted Daniel, and Nathan was second best. She was settling, which wasn’t fair to him. She would tell him the next time they were together. She couldn’t go on letting him believe she returned his affection wholeheartedly. As much as she regretted it, her heart belonged to Daniel.<
br />
  “Damn you,” she whispered. “Damn your misplaced sense of loyalty.”

  She waited in the dark until she saw a light in Daniel’s window. She was being honest with herself, and she owed Nathan the same consideration.

  When she climbed into her solitary bed, she saw her future looming large and lonely. She had Emily and Aunt Fay, but surely it was only a matter of time before Doc Fredericks proposed to her aunt. Emily would grow up and leave home for a life of her own one day. And then Tess would be truly alone.

  Chapter 10

  An east wind set the clothes flapping as Tess unpinned them from the clothesline. She rolled the last dress into a neat bundle and dropped it into the basket with the others. Wiping her sweating forehead on her sleeve, she picked up the basket and hauled it toward the house.

  She heard a buggy approaching and paused on the bottom porch step. Nathan’s horses trotted around the corner. After setting the brake, he jumped down and hurried toward her.

  “Let me help you with that.” He grasped the heavy basket by the handles and took it from her. “You shouldn’t be working so hard on your birthday.”

  She wiped her hands on her skirt and looked up at him from beneath the brim of her sunbonnet. She wasn’t happy he’d caught her looking such a mess. “How did you know it was my birthday?”

  “Your mother told me. She asked me to drive out here and bring you and your aunt back for supper.”

  Tess groaned. “I don’t know, Nathan. I would rather stay home. I’m hot and dirty and not fit for company, even if it is only family. Anyway, Aunt Fay isn’t here right now. Doc Fredericks took her for a buggy ride.”

  “Then I’m sure he’ll drop her at your folks’ house later. You could take a bath,” he suggested. “I’ll watch Emily while you do it.”

  “She’ll be waking up from her nap soon.”

  He smiled. “I think I can manage to entertain one small girl for a half hour or so.”

  “Will Mama be very disappointed if I don’t come?”

  “She made you a cake.”

  Tess sighed. “There’s no getting out of it, then. If you don’t mind listening for Emily, I’ll go wash up in the creek.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather have a proper bath?”

  “It takes too long. It’s been so hot the creek is as warm as bath water. I’ll run upstairs and get some clean clothes and look in on Emily. You can set that basket down in the kitchen.”

  She returned a minute later, carrying a bundle of undergarments and a lemon colored dress. “I put out a fresh diaper. Are you certain sure you don’t mind watching her?”

  “Positive. Emily and I will be fine. Enjoy your swim.”

  “I will. This heat is unbearable.”

  Tess hurried down to the creek and stripped off her clothes. She didn’t bother leaving on her chemise, remembering how little it covered the last time. The sight of the water energized her. She and Shadow wasted no time jumping into the creek.

  She lay in the water and closed her eyes. Since the incident with the snake, she was reluctant to bring Emily down and had missed the luxury of lazing in the water on a hot summer day. It was so much more satisfying than the daily ablutions at the wash bowl, or even a full bath in the big tin tub.

  She waded toward the creek bank, pausing when she heard a familiar whistle. Taking a couple of quick steps backward, she slid down into the deepest part of the creek and prayed Shadow’s splashing would cloud the clear water. The whistling stopped. Daniel appeared at the top of the far bank.

  “Tess!”

  She tried to sink deeper into the water, mortified at being caught naked. Her cheeks flamed.

  Daniel put his hands on his hips and grinned down at her. “My, my, I think I’ve discovered a mermaid.”

  “Go away, Daniel.”

  His smile broadened. “I was contemplating taking a bath myself. Maybe I’ll join you.”

  She gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

  “No, I guess not.” His gaze drifted toward her side of the creek bank, and he frowned. “Where’s Emily?”

  “Nathan is watching her.”

  “Oh.” An awkward silence fell.

  She felt the need to explain. “He’s taking me into town for supper.”

  His eyes sparkled. “Any special reason?”

  “You know perfectly well it’s my birthday.”

  “That’s right. You’re getting to be quite an old lady. Twenty-three, isn’t it? Are those wrinkles I see?”

  “Probably. I’ve been in this creek so long I’m shriveling up like a prune. Go away, Daniel, so I can get dressed.”

  “All right, but only because it’s your birthday. The next time I find you skinny-dipping, I won’t be responsible for the consequences.”

  She knew he was teasing, but her whole body heated. Images of the two of them twined naked together filled her mind. Her breathing quickened.

  “Have a happy birthday, Tess,” he called.

  “Thank you.” When he disappeared from sight she waded ashore. It only took a few minutes to pull on her undergarments and slip into her dress. Her hands stilled as she worked on the long row of buttons. What would he have done if she’d been naked beside the creek when he arrived?

  Nothing, she told herself firmly, her fingers moving smoothly up the row of buttons. Hadn’t he made it clear her charms were resistible? Flinging her wet hair over her shoulder, she scooped up her dirty clothes and headed toward the house. Nathan would wonder what was keeping her.

  By the time she dried and combed her hair and dressed Emily, the heat of the day had receded. Sitting in the buggy beside Nathan, she sighed in pleasure.

  “I’m glad you convinced me to go.”

  “And I’m happy you’re feeling less tired. Your bath seems to have refreshed you.”

  She blushed. She hadn’t mentioned her encounter with Daniel. Nothing had happened, and it was only her secret desires that made the incident less than innocent. Soon Nathan wouldn’t care what she did. She was determined to tell him the truth about her feelings before the evening was over.

  “Why did you sigh like that?”

  “Did I sigh?”

  “Yes.”

  “I was thinking about something unpleasant I have to do.”

  His gaze held hers for a long moment. “Then don’t.”

  “We’ll discuss it later, Nathan. We’re almost to town.”

  He slowed the team to a walk as they reached Main Street. At her parents’ house, he helped her down and unhitched the horses. When he finished, he took her arm. A smile spread across his face as he opened the front door.

  Tess took one step forward and stopped. Her eyes widened.

  “Surprise! Happy birthday!”

  Wesley and Nora hurried forward to hug her, and Tess looked around the room in amazement. A lump formed in her throat. Her family and closest friends were there, Aunt Fay and Doc Fredericks, Hank and Mary, and Rebecca and James. Daniel stood at the back of the room next to Lottie.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t say anything.” Nora squeezed her hand. “Just bring that pretty baby and come inside.”

  Tess looked up at Nathan. “No wonder you were so insistent I come.”

  “You gave me a few bad moments. I knew your mother would have my hide if I returned without you.”

  Nora laughed. “I certainly would have. As it is, you’re late.”

  “I had to take a bath. I spent most of the day doing the wash, and I was a mess.”

  “Well, you look pretty as a picture now,” Wesley said. “Let’s eat. Your mama has been holding supper, and I’m hungry.”

  Tess sat next to Nathan, directly across from Daniel. His eyes held a knowing smile. Her lips curved in response. “I would have been here sooner, but I couldn’t get out of the creek.”

  “There’s nothing like a cool swim on a hot day,” he said.

  Lottie frowned. “After what happened with Emily and the rattler, I’m surprised you
can bear to look at that creek.”

  “It bothered me at first, but there’s really no way to avoid it.”

  “Lucky for you Nathan is an expert shot,” Lottie said.

  Tess’s appetite fled. “Yes, it certainly is.”

  “Maybe you could teach me.” Lottie smiled at Nathan. “I would love to learn.”

  “Why would you want to shoot a gun?” Fay asked, passing the basket of rolls to Mary.

  “A girl should be able to protect herself when she doesn’t have a man around to do it for her.”

  “It’s really not a bad idea,” Hank said. “Mary knows how to shoot.”

  “You do?” Nora’s eyes widened as she stared at Mary. “Why I’ve never touched a gun in my life.”

  “She’s a good shot, too,” Hank said. “Now if Tess had a gun down at the creek, she could have shot that rattler herself.”

  Nathan nodded. “Why don’t I teach both of you to shoot?”

  Tess laid down her fork. “I don’t know.”

  Lottie reached across the table and touched his arm. “If Tess doesn’t want lessons, you’ll still teach me, won’t you, Nathan?”

  “I would be happy to, but I really think Tess should consider it.”

  She didn’t like talking about guns. She didn’t want to think about them. “I know how to shoot.”

  Daniel choked on a sip of water. Tess frowned at him. “What’s so funny?”

  “I was remembering the time you took Rory’s shotgun and went hunting for the weasel that was bothering your chickens. The blast knocked you on your backside and put a hole in the side of the barn.”

  She smiled reluctantly. “Maybe I’m not the best shot in the world. Rory never let me touch his gun again.”

  “You’ll remember I was quick to take care of your most recent weasel problems. I was afraid of what you might shoot.”

  When the laughter quieted, Nathan said, “What about you, Rebecca?”

  “James already taught me. I’m not as good as Mary, but I can hit the broad side of a barn.” She smiled at Tess and winked.

  The atmosphere was festive throughout the excellent meal of roast chicken Nora had prepared. The men talked about the weather and the price of corn while the women discussed Rebecca’s pregnancy, advising her on the best cures for her morning sickness.