Bunches

by Jill Valley

  Shoving that thought away, I excuse myself and play the voice mail.

  I had thought I was done with defining moments, but I was wrong.

  “Hello, Nora, it’s Mrs. Rockwell. [pause] I know it’s been a long time. I wanted to speak with you, but your mom tells me you aren’t going to be home this summer, which is a shame, so I thought I’d come to you. I’m in Portland. Call me back at this number, so we can meet up. [pause]” And then, her voice cracking, “Please.”

  I lean against the wall of the shop, feeling as if I'll fall over otherwise. Michael’s mom wants to see me, like, today.

  Lizzy and Noah see me and come rushing out. I know my face has gone white from shock. I can barely get the words out to explain.

  “Are you going to call her back?” Lizzy asks. I’ve wanted to talk to this woman, this woman I thought would be my second mother, for five years.

  There’s no way I have the strength to meet with her, except that I do, because of JJ. Knowing I’ll get to go home and tell him all about it and he’ll hold me gives me the strength that I need to stand up.

  I know I should have called my mom. She must have given Mrs. Rockwell my number.

  I should call Mom now, actually. I can’t breathe and I press my hand to my chest, surprised emotions choking me. Michael’s mom has just left me a voicemail.

  Right after the anniversary of Michael’s death she has called me, no, she has come all this way to see me, and now she’s here.

  With shaking hands I call her back. Noah puts his arm comfortingly around my shoulders and Lizzy stands there biting her lip, her eyes filled with sympathy.

  Our conversation is very brief. We are both filled with too much emotion. She’s staying at an inn on the outskirts of town, but just for tonight. She can’t be gone long because of all the last minute preparations for Amelia’s wedding.

  If I can meet her by the beach, maybe we can go for a walk. I don’t want to walk on the same beach where I walked with JJ, and I don’t want my friends to interrupt our conversation, so I suggest a place not to far from where she’s staying. Our meeting isn’t until this evening, which leaves me the entire day to fret and stew.

  I’m afraid, but Lizzy and Noah give me a hug and tell me it will be fine.

  “I should head back to my place and shower,” I say, examining the worn jeans I’m wearing. That breaks the mood, and we all laugh.

  “Are you sure you want to wash his scent off?” Noah teases. I give him a playful shove as Lizzy giggles.

  Noah starts laughing and holds up his hands. “Sorry, had to.”

  I’m a little upset that I haven’t heard from JJ, but I push that thought away and don’t say a word about it out loud. He’s probably really busy, depending on how bad the fire was. I wonder if I should text him, but I’m so consumed by the idea of seeing Mrs. Rockwell that I can only take one step at a time.

  I head home. Snick is waiting for me by the door and I pick him up to cuddle him. After one last check of my phone I hop in the shower.

  Finally, it’s time for me to meet her. Taking a deep breath, I check my appearance in the mirror for what must be the tenth time in the last hour. I look tired and my face is pale and pinched.

  If she’s come all this way right before her daughter’s wedding, she must have something pretty important to say to me.

  After no contact for five years, since Michael and I laughingly waved goodbye to her and his dad one night before we went to the movies, now she wants to talk to me. To see . . . me.

  I always expected to marry Michael, so it was important that the most important woman in his life like me. Now I have no idea what to think, so I just try to remember what I knew about Suki Rockwell. She was small and she worked as an interior decorator. She gave no quarter and took no nonsense. She was well respected in the community.

  Michael, as the youngest child and the only boy, was spoiled, but he loved his mother even though she was distant with him. I remember him once telling me a story about wanting to bake cookies with her when he was little. She had agreed, but had stayed in her business skirt and jacket, placing a perfectly ironed apron over her clothes.

  Under no circumstances was the kitchen to be dirtied by this endeavor, she had informed Michael. He remembered that day like it had just happened. He said it was the moment when he realized that order and doing the right thing were more important to his mother than her own children. He was sad about it.

  Mrs. Rockwell is the only figure standing on the beach near the Inn where she’s staying. Her back is to me and she’s gazing out at the sea. When she turns and catches sight of me my heart leaps into my mouth. She’s a small woman - Michael got his height from his father - and she has some gray in her hair now, and small lines around her mouth where there were none five years ago. Grief will age you like nothing else can.

  I approach her cautiously as her eyes fill with tears.

  Michael’s mom opens her arms to me and I rush into them. “Oh, Nora,” she breaths through sobs. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

  We cling to each other.

  Mrs. Rockwell and I spend nearly an hour together. I can barely remember what we said, but at the end I’m smiling and laughing at the same time. I do know that she has forgiven me. Well, that she never really blamed me in the first place. She knew Michael loved the lake and that the undiagnosed heart condition was a ticking time bomb no matter where he was. The last thing she told me was that she was glad he was with me when he died, because that meant he had died happy. For my part, I can barely speak, but I manage to nod. And I hug her. I hug her really tightly.

  I’m about to leave, having cried what feels like every ounce of water out of my body, when Mrs. Rockwell’s voice stops me. I turn to look at her, and she seems stronger than she’s looked all evening.

  She cocks her head. “Nora? Just for the record, I think guys get scared too. My son did. When he first saw you he came home” - her lip trembles, but she forces herself to go on - “and said he had seen the girl he was going to marry. I remember the day, because he was so young and I had had a long day at work. When he said that, when I saw the distant, happy look on his face, everything else just melted away. I had never seen that look on his face before.

  “A mother just wants her kids to be happy, and he was happy thinking about you. I’ll never forget it. If the guy’s worth it, you have to give him some time, and yes, I do think he will come back. You are a wonderful girl, Nora. My son saw it. It makes perfect sense that other men would see it too. You should be happy. He would want that.”

  I thank her and hurry away before either of us starts crying. I will always love Michael and there will always be a spot in my heart for him, but the rest of it belongs to JJ. And I’m going to him now. There’s been a fire at the Remember, and I need to be there for him.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven - JJ

  The Remember is still smoldering. The front window is blown out and all I see inside is a black hole. At least the place was closed when the fire started, and none of my employees were there. I would never forgive myself if something happened to one of them.

  The day is cloudy and overhung with clouds. The sky is threatening rain, but that won’t do me any good. The fire is already out. It’s just a mess.

  There are people milling around, a couple of officers keeping gawkers away, and a man from the fire department. Two of my managers are on their way.

  “Sorry, man,” says Sylvan. “I heard over the scanner.” My good friends claps me on the back. He’s not in uniform. He was probably sleeping when he heard.

  “Thanks for coming,” I say, my throat feeling tight. He nods.

  “Do you think it was intentional?” Sylvan asks.

  I shrug and lower my voice. “Probably,” I say. “The fire inspectors seem to think it’s a possibility.”

  Sylvan’s eyes darken. I have a bad feeling it has something to do with my going to the Black Jack last night.

  “Don’t retaliate,” Sylvan wa
rns. “I won’t be able to protect you.”

  “I’m not that guy anymore,” I say. Because of Nora.

  “I know,” he says. “I just felt like I should say it.”

  I rub my hands together and look back at my place, the place that was my grandfather’s. “Thanks for the heads up.”

  “What are you going to do?” Sylvan asks, walking closer to the store front. We duck under the tape to get a closer look.

  “Rebuild,” I say. “It was my grandfather’s place. I can’t just leave it like this.”

  Sylvan doesn’t say anything for so long, I get tired of the silence.

  “Just ask,” I say tiredly.

  Sylvan glances at me. “What happened last night? After you two left?”

  “Nothing,” I say. “I wouldn’t do that. Not so soon after Jessie.”

  “Wouldn’t do what not so soon after me?” says a voice behind me. I close my eyes. Could it have been worse timing, saying what I just said? Sylvan busies himself with examining my burned bar as I turn to talk to my ex-girlfriend.

  She’s standing there in a sweatshirt and workout pants. She isn’t wearing makeup, and her hair’s in a ponytail. She was probably running when she heard.

  “Hey,” I say lightly.

  Her eyes are filled with hurt as she says softly, “Have you really moved on so quickly?”

  “Jessie,” I say, exasperated.

  Her lip trembles. “I came as soon as I heard. I’m really sorry about the Remember . . . do I know her?”

  I sigh. “Jessie, I can’t talk to you about this,” I say. I feel horrible, like someone’s punched me in the gut. Jessie’s and my breakup was a long time coming. Hell, she wanted it too, but that doesn’t mean I had any right to hurt her. It’s the last thing I wanted.

  “You’re right,” she says, taking a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I know it’s the right thing. It’s just hard to imagine you with someone else.”

  I nod. “Thanks.” One thing seeing Jessie proves: I love Nora. She’s it for me. The one and only. I see Jessie and I see a friend. I see Nora, my heartbeat quickens, and I can’t help but smile. I wish she were here now. Damn, why didn’t I bring her?

  Jessie points past me to the Remember. “I mean it when I say I’m really sorry about that.”

  I shake myself, remembering who I’m with, and glance over my shoulder. My chest tightens just looking at my granddad’s years of hard work.

  I should text Nora.

  “Anyway,” says Jessie. She steps forward. I don’t realize what she’s doing until it’s too late.

  When Jessie flings her arms around my neck and hugs me I have a chance to see over her shoulder. Nora is standing on the street corner, a dumbfounded expression on her face. My heart sinks and I start to push Jessie away, desperate to get to Nora.

  But it’s too late. The damage is already done. I haven’t told Nora what’s happened at the Remember yet, because I haven’t had the chance to tell anyone. And now she’ll be thinking I haven’t called her because Jessie met me there. Could I be more of an idiot?

  By the time I get to the corner Nora is nowhere to be seen. I look frantically in each direction and pull out my phone and call her, but her phone’s off, so I send a text.

  “It’s not what you think. Please call me ASAP.” I’m so panicked I can’t even breathe as I stare at my phone. Nora.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight - Nora

  This is what happens when things are good.

  I go back to my apartment and text Lizzy and Noah, who come over to be with me. Earlier I had been full of the good news of my conversation with Mrs. Rockwell, and I do fill them in on that, but now something else fills my mind and weighs down my heart.

  “You’re going to wear the floor out if you keep walking like that,” says Lizzy. She’s sitting on the couch with Noah. I rushed back to them after I saw Jessie mauling JJ . . . and JJ not doing anything about it.

  I make a face at the cliché. “How could I be so stupid?” I wail.

  “You weren’t stupid,” says Noah sympathetically. “You don’t know what was happening.”

  “It was pretty obvious,” I say with despair. “I don’t deserve to be happy. This proves it. He spends the night at my place. Okay, nothing happened, and he’s not the kind of guy to dump me because I don’t have sex with him. At least, I didn’t think he was that kind of guy, but he leaves to go to the Remember, because it was on FIRE, and she meets him there? He said they were over, but they obviously aren’t.”

  “You can’t assume anything,” Lizzy insists. “You should talk to him.”

  “I don’t need to talk to him,” I say, shaking my head defiantly.

  “Look,” says Lizzy, “this is a good thing you’ve got going. If you overthink it you’ll ruin everything.”

  I glare at her. “I’m not ruining anything. I’m just facing the facts. I came here this summer knowing I didn’t deserve to be happy. Nothing has changed.”

  Lizzy just shakes her head. I know she’s frustrated with me, but I’m too hurt to care.

  “JJ loves you,” says Noah. “It’s obvious every time I see him.”

  “He has a funny way of showing it,” I say. The image of Jessie throwing herself at JJ, and JJ just standing there and catching her, plays over and over again in my mind. I want to cry or scream. I want to throw something. Snick is curling himself around my leg; my frantic pacing has worried even my poor cat. Carefully I bend down and pick up his fluffy body.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmur into his fur, not looking at my friends.

  “See, even Snick is worried about you,” says Lizzy.

  “I just can’t get the image out of my head,” I whisper.

  “Has he called you?” Lizzy says.

  “I don’t know,” I say quietly. “I turned my phone off.”

  “Oh, well, that’s helpful,” Lizzy drawls.

  “You have to talk to him,” she says. “Just let him explain.”

  I’m not sure there’s any explanation that could get that image of Jessie and JJ out of my head. All I know is that my heart hurts.

  Lizzy would say it’s good that my heart hurts, because that means it’s living and pulsing and not so buried. But at the moment I just want to talk to JJ.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine - JJ

  For a few brief moments I was walking on cloud nine, but I don’t deserve it. Now I’ve been brought back to reality, which is that I’m not that good a guy, and Nora deserves better. A bartender’s life is no life to bring a woman like Nora into, especially not a bartender who watched his mother be murdered.

  I’m standing on the sidewalk in front of the Remember. Nothing can be cleaned up yet, since everything is still wet from the fire hoses. It’s a bright and sunny day. I’m frustrated that something so sinister can happen on such a gorgeous day, but I’m also used to it. My mother died on a day like this, and that above all is a day I’ll never forget.

  I haven’t texted Nora again, although she’s on my mind, probably even more than the fire at my bar. I’m guilt-ridden, but that doesn’t change my actions.

  “It’ll be okay,” says Lila, patting my arm. I glance at my employee. “The Remember,” she says, “that’s why you look so worried, isn’t it? Or is it because you went home with a girl that isn’t your girlfriend last night?”

  I glare at her. We’ve known each other for years and I’m comfortable doing that. “First of all, my personal life is none of your business. Second of all, I’m single, and lastly, I escorted a friend home. That’s it.”

  Lila shrugs. “So, I guess you aren’t upset about the Remember as you are about the girl.” She walks away.

  The Remember is a shambles and it will take months to repair. I feel like I don’t have any control over my life, and Nora is leaving. In all honesty she deserves better than me. I will help her see that.

  As I once said to Sylvan, some things are too important to ruin. I feel that way about Nora, but the first thing I did was put my relationship
with her at risk. All that keeps going through my head now is, how could I?

  When I look at her, my body reacts and my heart feels like it’s home. But some things are too important to ruin. Nora deserves better than me.

  She’s sitting on my stoop, looking small and lost. I want to rush to her and put my arm around her, but I can’t. It kills me inside that I’m the one who’s put that look on her face.

  “Hey,” I say, coming up to her and shoving my hands in my pockets. She looks up at me with lost eyes.

  “Hey,” she says in a quiet voice.

  The look on her face terrifies me.

  I know she’s there to end it with me and I can’t breathe. I decide to save her the trouble. I mean, she saw me with my ex-girlfriend’s arms flung around my neck after I had spent the night in her bed. Talk about a betrayal of trust. I take a deep breath, about to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  “Look, Nora,” I say. “I can’t imagine hurting you. The expression you’re giving me right now? It’s like a stab wound to my heart. But there’s been a lot that’s happened in my life. I don’t know if I’m capable of . . . I mean, I thought I was. I want to be. Capable, that is, of taking care of you the way you deserve. I’m just so afraid I’ll be my dad all over again. He didn’t give a shit. The way he acted was disgusting. I could never forgive myself if I ever hurt anyone. Sometimes I worry that the darkness is in me, too.”

  “Maybe you need to share it,” she says hopefully, taking my hand and squeezing. “Maybe the story will get easier if you have someone to share the burden with.”

  The very fact that she’s so openly good is exactly why I have to do this.

  I shake my head, feeling sick. “Will it take the memories away? Her screaming? She screamed and she screamed. I wasn’t there for her. The one person in the world who always cared about me and I wasn’t there. I had no idea how bad it was, because she sent me away. Thinking back on it, of course I know she did it on purpose. She was trying to protect me, always, but it ended up costing her life.”