Bunches

by Jill Valley

  Nora just keeps holding my hand. She’s letting me speak and letting me get it out. She’s not judging me or telling me to be a man. She isn’t even saying it wasn’t my fault, which I know is what she thinks. I was the one who hurt her this morning and now she’s listening to my pain. Is this girl even real?

  “How is it possible that I have to be the one telling you not to be afraid to care?” she says, accusation in her voice. “We’ve both been hurt, that’s what makes this so amazing.”

  “I know you’ve been hurt,” I say, “I just don’t want to do more damage.”

  “Are you saying that you can’t be with me because you’ll ruin it, so you might as well ruin it now? You’re scared!”

  I run my fingers through my hair and watch her face closely. It’s entirely open and trusting. To me. I can’t believe I’m about to do this.

  “I just don’t think I can take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of right now,” I say quietly, no longer able to meet her eyes. “I know you deserve better. This morning proves it.”

  She recoils from me. It’s a look I hate. My heart squeezes in my chest. “Lizzy and Noah told me not to read anything into this morning and to let you explain,” she says, her voice shaking. She pauses, trying to get hold of herself.

  My heart is jumping around in my throat as I wait to hear what she’s going to say.

  I have no idea what it looks like to hurt someone you truly care about, because I have never done it before. It’s easy not to hurt someone when you don’t truly care about them, as awful as that sounds. But this is painfully different.

  I’m not even looking at her and I see her face crumble. Her lower lips quivers and she carefully removes her hand from my hand. I feel vacant and empty.

  “You’re right,” she says. “For the last five years all I’ve thought is that I’m too screwed up to love someone . . . or to have him love me back. You’re right.” She takes a shaky breath as silent tears start to stream down her perfect cheeks. “But I’m willing to try. This is me trying.” She spreads her arms out in front of her.

  She’s rocking back and forth slightly. I just want to take her in my arms, but instead I step away, putting physical distance between the emotional barrier I’ve just put up. She gives me a hurt look.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper as my insides twist.

  “But it’s you,” she says, her voice suddenly hoarse. “It has to be you. It can’t be anyone else.”

  “Nora,” I say, turning to her. “You can find someone who cares about you the right way and who won’t hurt you.”

  “You don’t have to hurt me,” she cries. “It’s a choice. No one else will understand what happened like you do. You said Jessie was just checking in, because of the bar.”

  I shake my head. “You think that now, but there are plenty of good guys out there. Guys who don’t hurt the girl they’re in love with the morning after the first night they get to spend with her.

  She gives me a wide-eyed look. I guess she’s never heard me say that I love her before. Well, she might as well know the truth here at the end.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she whispers, her eyes searching mine.

  I can’t repeat it. Not now. My throat is burning and I’m going to be sick.

  I say, “Go find a good guy. Look at Sylvan.”

  Nora snorts and rolls her eyes. “Your friend who’s in love with my friend, who’s dating a guy she doesn’t love anymore?” she says quietly. I see surprise register on her face. It’s something she hasn’t said until just now. I have yet to meet Steven, but I assume I’ll meet him at Amelia’s wedding, which is turning into an extra extravagant affair.

  Hundreds of people are invited for the outdoor ceremony and the party afterward. I’m nervous about going, but it will be nice to see friends I haven’t seen in years. I haven’t been back to Boston since my mom died. Now I have to go for Amelia.

  “I don’t want a good guy,” she says, her voice becoming stronger. “I just want you.” She bites her lip and gets up, still refusing to look at me. She walks out and my whole world goes black.

  Chapter Thirty - Nora

  Walking out of there with my back straight and the tears held in is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t breathe properly. The air feels like punishment to my throat and lungs. It would be so easy to crumble right now, but I’m determined to hold my head high and get on with my life at last. Today of all days, I can’t crumble. I wanted JJ to be there by my side, or at least to have him to see afterward. I could have done it if I knew I had him to look forward to. Now I have nothing.

  When I get back to my place, all I want to do is crawl into my bed, but that intention quickly fades away when I see Lizzy sitting on the stoop outside my apartment, her face streaked with tears. I rush forward.

  “What happened?” I ask, kneeling down and wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

  She’s sobbing.

  “It’s Steven,” she says. “He’s been cheating on me, for, like, years. I had no idea.” More crying. I just hold her and try to say comforting things, but the truth is I feel hollow inside. Steven, a guy we’ve known since grade school, who I thought I would know forever, has been cheating on Lizzy. I can’t really take it in, so I do the only thing I can think of.

  “Want to come in?” I ask.

  She hiccups. “Why do you have a problem with a girl crying hysterically on your steps? Worried about what the neighbors will say?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, and Snick will make you feel better.”

  She nods. Keeping her head down, she lets me lead her upstairs. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, and he wasn’t even my boyfriend. Lizzy’s face is pale and her eyes are dull. Under her eyes the skin looks red and bruised by crying. My heart aches for my friend.

  “How did you find out?” I murmur, wrapping an arm protectively around her shoulders.

  Tears are streaming silently down her face.

  “I didn’t, I mean, he’s all the way in New York and I trusted him. It’s not like I ever snooped through his e-mails or his phone. We didn’t do that with each other. We were better than that, that’s what he always said.”

  “Ughh,” I say. Growing up I knew that Steven had his heart in the right place, and for years he adored Lizzy. But sometimes adoration isn’t enough.

  “You have to want it,” says Lizzy, shaking her head sadly. “You have to want to make it work and he just didn’t.”

  “What will you do now?” I asked, thinking of Amelia’s wedding.

  “We have to go,” she says, straightening a little, with a hard look coming into her eyes. “I want to go. Even if he brings some skanky slutter moron with him. I refuse to stay at home and eat ice cream.”

  “Seriously?” I say as Snick wanders in. Instantly my wonderful cat hurries over to Lizzy and jumps in her lap. My friend gives a gurgly laugh and pets the cat.

  “No, not seriously,” she says rolling her eyes at me. “I just refuse to let him know that I’m at home eating ice cream.”

  “And pizza,” I say. “Might as well gain as much weight as possible.”

  “Fitting into the dresses I already bought for the wedding isn’t necessary, is it?” Lizzy asks wistfully.

  “Not even a little bit,” I say, laughing.

  “Good,” she says. “Then I want a ten-inch all to myself.”

  We spend the rest of the night watching romantic comedies and reminiscing about old times. Steven’s betrayal hurts me, too, and I’m sure how I’ll feel seeing him at Amelia’s wedding. He comforted me in my darkest time, and he was there for me when no one else understood. All these years I’ve been sure I’d be standing next to Lizzy the day she married him, with the best view in the church.

  “He really just called you out of the blue?” I ask quietly.

  “Naw.” She shakes her head; the rest of her body is buried in a heap of blankets, pillows, and Snick. “He was drunk. I don’t think he would have adm
itted it otherwise. I guess when he cheats on me he usually tells the girls he’s single, but he really likes this one. She knew he had a girlfriend, or found out afterwards and told him that if he wanted to have anything with her he had to break it off with me. He didn’t know what to do, Mr. Mature, so he got shit-faced with your brother. Then he called me.”

  “Ellis was with him?” I’m shocked. They were never that close.

  “I guess he wanted someone from home, someone he trusts,” she says, taking a long sip of wine.

  I reach for my phone. Once I saw the condition Lizzy was in I set it to silent, but now I see that I have a text from my brother, telling me to call him when I’m ready.

  “Do it,” says Lizzy. “I want to hear what he thinks.”

  I call my brother. It rings and rings, and after a long time he answers.

  “You’re up late,” he says. His voice sounds tired.

  “You, too,” I say.

  “Yeah, well, it’s been a long couple of days. Is Lizzy with you?”

  “Yeah, I’m here, Ellis. You’re on speaker,” my friend says. She puts on a brave front, but you can obviously hear that she’s been crying.

  “Hey, Liz, I’m so sorry,” says my brother, his voice filled with sympathy. “I had no idea until he texted me and asked me to go out on a Saturday night. Since we’ve both been in New York for over two months and that was the first I’d heard from him, I thought something might be up. Once he’d had a few drinks, he told me everything.”

  “Did you meet her?” Lizzy asks softly. “Is she prettier than me?”

  I hug my friend tighter.

  “She doesn’t hold a candle to you,” says Ellis. “She’s like a stupid, dinky match and you’re a roaring fire. I’m so sorry.”

  “Maybe she’s nice,” says Lizzy. “Looks aren’t everything. I’m hoping the next guy I date realizes that, because I plan on eating nothing but pizza and ice cream until then.” Her eyes fill with tears for the umpteenth time that night and I have a very strong urge to kick Steven’s ass.

  We talk to my brother for a few more minutes. We’re going to see him soon enough at the wedding, but he’s worried about Lizzy, which I totally love him for. He wants her to be okay.

  Once we’re off the phone Lizzy rolls herself into a ball and tries to sleep.

  “Tell me a story?” she murmurs, burying her head in my pillow.

  I give a big sigh. Too much has happened today. I haven’t had time to think. It’s like Michael’s anniversary struck and everything went wrong, which has been happening since the day he died.

  “Sorry about tonight,” she says. “Aimee’s out of town again and I don’t want to be alone.”

  “I don’t want to be alone either. JJ told me I deserve better than him,” I say, my voice breaking. “I told him I wanted to try, despite Jessie, and he just insisted that I deserve someone better.”

  Lizzy’s head snaps up. “He never,” she gasps and shakes her head. “So what does that mean?”

  “That means he doesn’t want to date right now,” I say, sadness overwhelming me.

  Lizzy snorts. Her eyes look tired from tears. “That will last, like, a week.”

  “I don’t know,” I say, “he’s seriously worried about hurting me.” I give her a pained look.

  “Yeah, well, good thing he’s not doing that,” she says.

  I give a sad smile. “Maybe it’s for the best. It’s not like I’m entirely whole either.”

  “Exactly,” says Lizzy, pushing a stray strand of hair off her forehead. “You can be unwhole together.”

  I laugh bitterly. “Tell that to JJ,” I say.

  “He’ll come around,” she says with way more confidence than I feel. “Loving someone the way he loves you is scary. Guys get scared too.”

  It strikes me as funny that she’s saying the exact same thing Suki Rockwell said to me.

  “I hope so,” I say, examining my hands in the dark. “Sorry to be burdening you with this. I just, I just don’t know how to exist if I can’t have him.”

  She nods sympathetically. “Men do that to us. When it’s good it’s the best thing in the world. When it’s anything else it’s totally their fault.”

  I grin and snuggle under the blankets. Soon I hear Lizzy snoring. I see a dark shape gracefully jump onto the bed, and Snick snuggles close to her, comforting her. I give my cat an approving pet on the head.

  I lie awake for a long time, thinking about change and what happens when you don’t get the forever you planned.

  I feel like I have emotional whiplash. The day started out so well. Now what I was so happily looking forward to is gone.

  Two weeks pass. Lizzy moves in with me, because Nancy is leaving anyway and Aimee is mostly gone for the next couple of weeks. Neither of us wants to be alone.

  The most important thing in the world is time, it turns out, and I’m just letting it pass. The days go by, nights come and go and I don’t care. I don’t need to think in order to breathe, because I just don’t care. Lizzy tells me it will just take time. She thinks JJ will come back, but she didn’t see his face. I understand that he just got out of a relationship, and it wouldn’t be good of us to start dating immediately, but the idea that we’re never going to date, that my body will never press against his again, or that our hands will never touch, his lips never come down to mine again, nearly kills me.

  “We can’t let ourselves go,” says Lizzy resolutely. “Amelia’s wedding is in less than two weeks and we have to look our best.”

  I’m sitting on the couch, Snick is curled up next to me, and I’m eating ice cream. Just to drive my point home I take another big bite of chocolatey goodness.

  “I’m sad too,” says Lizzy, coming over and sitting on the couch, absently petting Snick.

  “Then please explain to me why you still look stunning,” I say bitterly. While her blond hair is flowing loosely over her shoulders, my brown hair is in a messy bun.

  “Would you want JJ to see you like this?” Lizzy demands.

  “He doesn’t want to see me,” I say, throwing my spoon down in the ice cream container. “He made that clear enough.”

  “Of course he does,” Lizzy scoffs. “He’s a guy. You’re going to look stunning at the wedding, every guy is going to want you, and he’s going to get in a fight to defend your honor. Then you can be like, ‘Umm, I suppose, if you buy me flowers.’”

  It’s so ridiculous, I laugh. Lizzy grins at me. For once I desperately hope she’s right.

  Chapter Thirty-One - JJ

  It’s wedding weekend. I can’t believe I dumped Nora. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I become the cliche that you push away what matters most to you?

  In the farthest reaches of my mind I never imagined being such an asshole. I worked to gain her trust, then I just threw it all away. For what? Because of fear? Fuck fear.

  “You ready?” Sylvan asks. He’s standing in my living room, staring at Anabella. We’re getting ready to go; he has met Amelia a few times when she’s been in Portland, and I’m glad she has included him on the guest list, especially given what I did to Nora. I suspect Sylvan sees himself as partly a potential peacemaker, but maybe he’s also just excited at the prospect of seeing Lizzy in a dress.

  It’s the first time I’ve gone back to Boston, and I need all the support I can get for that, too.

  “Yeah,” I say, glancing around my apartment. Jessie spent a lot of time decorating, and when we broke up she took a lot of her stuff. My place is barer now, but I like it.

  “You going to see Nora?” Sylvan asks.

  “At the wedding,” I say. Just hearing her name makes my chest hurt. “The dinner is Friday night and Mrs. Rockwell wants everyone there. The wedding is Saturday, which just leaves Sunday to visit Mom.”

  He doesn’t ask about my dad. I don’t mention him. He’s dead to me anyway.

  “Take all the time you need, man,” says Sylvan.

  “You in touch with Lizzy?” I raise an e
yebrow at him. He tries to look innocent and I laugh.

  “What?” he says.

  “What’s going on there?” I ask as we head down my stairs, my bag slung over my shoulder.

  “What’s going on is that she loves me and just doesn’t know it. What kind of an asshole boyfriend cheats on a girl like that?” I’m surprised by the anger in his voice.

  “Who told you Lizzy’s boyfriend cheated on her?” I’m surprised to hear this. It must have just happened in the last couple of weeks.

  “Uhhh, a birdy?” Sylvan asks.

  I sigh. “So, Nora?”

  “So, Nora,” says Sylvan. “And don’t say her name like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like you want to caress her. You dumped her, remember?”

  Yeah, I fucking remember.

  Chapter Thirty-Two - Nora

  The dinner Friday night is stunning, as I’m sure the wedding will also be. My mother is elated to have both me and Ellis home, and she can’t stop cooing about it.

  Amelia texts me to say she’s happy her mom and I patched things up and she can’t wait to catch up with me after the honeymoon.

  It feels like everything is falling into place.

  Except for JJ.

  I can’t get him out of my mind, and he’s going to be there.

  Lizzy provides a good distraction. Being there for my friend has become paramount.

  “I thought you were going to bring Snick home with you,” my mom scolds when she sees me.

  “There’s Mom, always ready with a greeting,” says Ellis, stepping around our mother. Ellis has dark brown hair swept back from his forehead, and intense eyes. He’s paler and taller than I am, but there’s no mistaking the resemblance.

  “Oh, hush,” says Mom, waving a hand at him.

  “I’ll hush alright,” says Ellis. “But seriously, where’s the cat? Finally get up the courage to give him away? You got rid of him months ago, didn’t you?” Ellis is not a fan of cats. He’s more a dog person. It’s one of our biggest and longest-running disagreements.