A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Part 5.

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XXIV

  A RIVAL MAGICIAN

  My influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigiousnow. It seemed worth while to try to turn it to some valuableaccount. The thought came to me the next morning, and was suggestedby my seeing one of my knights who was in the soap line comeriding in. According to history, the monks of this place twocenturies before had been worldly minded enough to want to wash.It might be that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness stillremaining. So I sounded a Brother:

  "Wouldn't you like a bath?"

  He shuddered at the thought--the thought of the peril of it tothe well--but he said with feeling:

  "One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has not known thatblessed refreshment sith that he was a boy. Would God I mightwash me! but it may not be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden."

  And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I was resolvedhe should have at least one layer of his real estate removed,if it sized up my whole influence and bankrupted the pile. So Iwent to the abbot and asked for a permit for this Brother. Heblenched at the idea--I don't mean that you could see him blench,for of course you couldn't see it without you scraped him, andI didn't care enough about it to scrape him, but I knew the blenchwas there, just the same, and within a book-cover's thickness ofthe surface, too--blenched, and trembled. He said:

  "Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine, and freelygranted out of a grateful heart--but this, oh, this! Would youdrive away the blessed water again?"

  "No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have mysterious knowledgewhich teaches me that there was an error that other time whenit was thought the institution of the bath banished the fountain."A large interest began to show up in the old man's face. "Myknowledge informs me that the bath was innocent of that misfortune,which was caused by quite another sort of sin."

  "These are brave words--but--but right welcome, if they be true."

  "They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath again, Father.Let me build it again, and the fountain shall flow forever."

  "You promise this?--you promise it? Say the word--say you promise it!"

  "I do promise it."

  "Then will I have the first bath myself! Go--get ye to your work.Tarry not, tarry not, but go."

  I and my boys were at work, straight off. The ruins of the oldbath were there yet in the basement of the monastery, not a stonemissing. They had been left just so, all these lifetimes, andavoided with a pious fear, as things accursed. In two days wehad it all done and the water in--a spacious pool of clear purewater that a body could swim in. It was running water, too.It came in, and went out, through the ancient pipes. The old abbotkept his word, and was the first to try it. He went down blackand shaky, leaving the whole black community above troubled andworried and full of bodings; but he came back white and joyful,and the game was made! another triumph scored.

  It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley of Holiness,and I was very well satisfied, and ready to move on now, butI struck a disappointment. I caught a heavy cold, and it startedup an old lurking rheumatism of mine. Of course the rheumatismhunted up my weakest place and located itself there. This wasthe place where the abbot put his arms about me and mashed me, whattime he was moved to testify his gratitude to me with an embrace.

  When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But everybody was fullof attentions and kindnesses, and these brought cheer back intomy life, and were the right medicine to help a convalescent swiftlyup toward health and strength again; so I gained fast.

  Sandy was worn out with nursing; so I made up my mind to turn outand go a cruise alone, leaving her at the nunnery to rest up.My idea was to disguise myself as a freeman of peasant degreeand wander through the country a week or two on foot. This wouldgive me a chance to eat and lodge with the lowliest and poorestclass of free citizens on equal terms. There was no other wayto inform myself perfectly of their everyday life and the operationof the laws upon it. If I went among them as a gentleman, therewould be restraints and conventionalities which would shut me outfrom their private joys and troubles, and I should get no furtherthan the outside shell.

  One morning I was out on a long walk to get up muscle for my trip,and had climbed the ridge which bordered the northern extremityof the valley, when I came upon an artificial opening in the faceof a low precipice, and recognized it by its location as a hermitagewhich had often been pointed out to me from a distance as the denof a hermit of high renown for dirt and austerity. I knew he hadlately been offered a situation in the Great Sahara, where lionsand sandflies made the hermit-life peculiarly attractive anddifficult, and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I thoughtI would look in and see how the atmosphere of this den agreedwith its reputation.

  My surprise was great: the place was newly swept and scoured.Then there was another surprise. Back in the gloom of the cavernI heard the clink of a little bell, and then this exclamation:

  "Hello Central! Is this you, Camelot?--Behold, thou mayst gladthy heart an thou hast faith to believe the wonderful when thatit cometh in unexpected guise and maketh itself manifest inimpossible places--here standeth in the flesh his mightinessThe Boss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear him speak!"

  Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what a jumblingtogether of extravagant incongruities; what a fantastic conjunctionof opposites and irreconcilables--the home of the bogus miraclebecome the home of a real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit turnedinto a telephone office!

  The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I recognized oneof my young fellows. I said:

  "How long has this office been established here, Ulfius?"

  "But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you. We saw manylights in the valley, and so judged it well to make a station,for that where so many lights be needs must they indicate a townof goodly size."

  "Quite right. It isn't a town in the customary sense, but it'sa good stand, anyway. Do you know where you are?"

  "Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; for whenas mycomradeship moved hence upon their labors, leaving me in charge,I got me to needed rest, purposing to inquire when I waked, andreport the place's name to Camelot for record."

  "Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."

  It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name, as I hadsupposed he would. He merely said:

  "I will so report it."

  "Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the noise of latewonders that have happened here! You didn't hear of them?"

  "Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and avoid speech with all.We learn naught but that we get by the telephone from Camelot."

  "Why _they_ know all about this thing. Haven't they told you anythingabout the great miracle of the restoration of a holy fountain?"

  "Oh, _that_? Indeed yes. But the name of _this_ valley doth woundilydiffer from the name of _that_ one; indeed to differ wider were not pos--"

  "What was that name, then?"

  "The Valley of Hellishness."

  "_That_ explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway. It is the verydemon for conveying similarities of sound that are miracles ofdivergence from similarity of sense. But no matter, you knowthe name of the place now. Call up Camelot."

  He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good to hear my boy'svoice again. It was like being home. After some affectionateinterchanges, and some account of my late illness, I said:

  "What is new?"

  "The king and queen and many of the court do start even in thishour, to go to your valley to pay pious homage to the waters yehave restored, and cleanse themselves of sin, and see the placewhere the infernal spirit spouted true hell-flames to the clouds--an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear me likewisesmile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selection of those flamesfrom out our stock and sent them by your order."

  "Does the king know the way to this place?"

  "The king?--no, nor to any other in his realms, mayhap; bu
t the ladsthat holp you with your miracle will be his guide and lead the way,and appoint the places for rests at noons and sleeps at night."

  "This will bring them here--when?"

  "Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day."

  "Anything else in the way of news?"

  "The king hath begun the raising of the standing army ye suggestedto him; one regiment is complete and officered."

  "The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that myself. There isonly one body of men in the kingdom that are fitted to officera regular army."

  "Yes--and now ye will marvel to know there's not so much as oneWest Pointer in that regiment."

  "What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?"

  "It is truly as I have said."

  "Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen, and what was themethod? Competitive examination?"

  "Indeed, I know naught of the method. I but know this--theseofficers be all of noble family, and are born--what is it youcall it?--chuckleheads."

  "There's something wrong, Clarence."

  "Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy dotravel hence with the king--young nobles both--and if you but waitwhere you are you will hear them questioned."

  "That is news to the purpose. I will get one West Pointer in,anyway. Mount a man and send him to that school with a message;let him kill horses, if necessary, but he must be there beforesunset to-night and say--"

  "There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to the school.Prithee let me connect you with it."

  It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephones and lightningcommunication with distant regions, I was breathing the breathof life again after long suffocation. I realized, then, what acreepy, dull, inanimate horror this land had been to me all theseyears, and how I had been in such a stifled condition of mind asto have grown used to it almost beyond the power to notice it.

  I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally.I also asked him to bring me some paper and a fountain pen anda box or so of safety matches. I was getting tired of doingwithout these conveniences. I could have them now, as I wasn'tgoing to wear armor any more at present, and therefore could getat my pockets.

  When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interestgoing on. The abbot and his monks were assembled in the greathall, observing with childish wonder and faith the performancesof a new magician, a fresh arrival. His dress was the extreme ofthe fantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an Indianmedicine-man wears. He was mowing, and mumbling, and gesticulating,and drawing mystical figures in the air and on the floor,--theregular thing, you know. He was a celebrity from Asia--so hesaid, and that was enough. That sort of evidence was as goodas gold, and passed current everywhere.

  How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician on this fellow'sterms. His specialty was to tell you what any individual on theface of the globe was doing at the moment; and what he had doneat any time in the past, and what he would do at any time in thefuture. He asked if any would like to know what the Emperor ofthe East was doing now? The sparkling eyes and the delighted rubbingof hands made eloquent answer--this reverend crowd _would_ like toknow what that monarch was at, just as this moment. The fraudwent through some more mummery, and then made grave announcement:

  "The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment putmoney in the palm of a holy begging friar--one, two, three pieces,and they be all of silver."

  A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around:

  "It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What study, what labor, to haveacquired a so amazing power as this!"

  Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing?Yes. He told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Thenhe told them what the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the Kingof the Remote Seas was about. And so on and so on; and with eachnew marvel the astonishment at his accuracy rose higher and higher.They thought he must surely strike an uncertain place some time;but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and always withunerring precision. I saw that if this thing went on I should losemy supremacy, this fellow would capture my following, I shouldbe left out in the cold. I must put a cog in his wheel, and do itright away, too. I said:

  "If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certainperson is doing."

  "Speak, and freely. I will tell you."

  "It will be difficult--perhaps impossible."

  "My art knoweth not that word. The more difficult it is, the morecertainly will I reveal it to you."

  You see, I was working up the interest. It was getting prettyhigh, too; you could see that by the craning necks all around,and the half-suspended breathing. So now I climaxed it:

  "If you make no mistake--if you tell me truly what I want toknow--I will give you two hundred silver pennies."

  "The fortune is mine! I will tell you what you would know."

  "Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand."

  "Ah-h!" There was a general gasp of surprise. It had not occurredto anybody in the crowd--that simple trick of inquiring aboutsomebody who wasn't ten thousand miles away. The magician washit hard; it was an emergency that had never happened in hisexperience before, and it corked him; he didn't know how to meetit. He looked stunned, confused; he couldn't say a word. "Come,"I said, "what are you waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up,right off, and tell what anybody on the other side of the earth isdoing, and yet can't tell what a person is doing who isn't threeyards from you? Persons behind me know what I am doing with myright hand--they will indorse you if you tell correctly." He wasstill dumb. "Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak up andtell; it is because you don't know. _You_ a magician! Good friends,this tramp is a mere fraud and liar."

  This distressed the monks and terrified them. They were not usedto hearing these awful beings called names, and they did not knowwhat might be the consequence. There was a dead silence now;superstitious bodings were in every mind. The magician began topull his wits together, and when he presently smiled an easy,nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief around; for it indicatedthat his mood was not destructive. He said:

  "It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person'sspeech. Let all know, if perchance there be any who know it not,that enchanters of my degree deign not to concern themselves withthe doings of any but kings, princes, emperors, them that be bornin the purple and them only. Had ye asked me what Arthur the greatking is doing, it were another matter, and I had told ye; but thedoings of a subject interest me not."

  "Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said 'anybody,' and soI supposed 'anybody' included--well, anybody; that is, everybody."

  "It doth--anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better ifhe be royal."

  "That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot, who saw hisopportunity to smooth things and avert disaster, "for it were notlikely that so wonderful a gift as this would be conferred forthe revelation of the concerns of lesser beings than such as beborn near to the summits of greatness. Our Arthur the king--"

  "Would you know of him?" broke in the enchanter.

  "Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."

  Everybody was full of awe and interest again right away, theincorrigible idiots. They watched the incantations absorbingly,and looked at me with a "There, now, what can you say to that?"air, when the announcement came:

  "The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his palace thesetwo hours sleeping a dreamless sleep."

  "God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, and crossed himself;"may that sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul."

  "And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said, "but the kingis not sleeping, the king rides."

  Here was trouble again--a conflict of authority. Nobody knew whichof us to believe; I still had some reputation left. The magician'sscorn was stirred, and he said:

  "Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and prophets andmagicians in my life days, but
none before that could sit idle andsee to the heart of things with never an incantation to help."

  "You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it. I use incantationsmyself, as this good brotherhood are aware--but only on occasionsof moment."

  When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know how to keep my end up.That jab made this fellow squirm. The abbot inquired after thequeen and the court, and got this information:

  "They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue, like as to the king."

  I said:

  "That is merely another lie. Half of them are about their amusements,the queen and the other half are not sleeping, they ride. Nowperhaps you can spread yourself a little, and tell us where the kingand queen and all that are this moment riding with them are going?"

  "They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow they will ride,for they go a journey toward the sea."

  "And where will they be the day after to-morrow at vespers?"

  "Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey will be done."

  "That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and fifty miles.Their journey will not be merely half done, it will be all done,and they will be _here_, in this valley."

  _That_ was a noble shot! It set the abbot and the monks in a whirlof excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base. I followedthe thing right up:

  "If the king does not arrive, I will have myself ridden on a rail:if he does I will ride you on a rail instead."

  Next day I went up to the telephone office and found that the kinghad passed through two towns that were on the line. I spottedhis progress on the succeeding day in the same way. I kept thesematters to myself. The third day's reports showed that if hekept up his gait he would arrive by four in the afternoon. Therewas still no sign anywhere of interest in his coming; there seemedto be no preparations making to receive him in state; a strangething, truly. Only one thing could explain this: that othermagician had been cutting under me, sure. This was true. I askeda friend of mine, a monk, about it, and he said, yes, the magicianhad tried some further enchantments and found out that the courthad concluded to make no journey at all, but stay at home. Thinkof that! Observe how much a reputation was worth in such a country.These people had seen me do the very showiest bit of magic inhistory, and the only one within their memory that had a positivevalue, and yet here they were, ready to take up with an adventurerwho could offer no evidence of his powers but his mere unproven word.

  However, it was not good politics to let the king come withoutany fuss and feathers at all, so I went down and drummed up aprocession of pilgrims and smoked out a batch of hermits andstarted them out at two o'clock to meet him. And that was thesort of state he arrived in. The abbot was helpless with rageand humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony and showedhim the head of the state marching in and never a monk on hand tooffer him welcome, and no stir of life or clang of joy-bell to gladhis spirit. He took one look and then flew to rouse out his forces.The next minute the bells were dinning furiously, and the variousbuildings were vomiting monks and nuns, who went swarming in arush toward the coming procession; and with them went that magician--and he was on a rail, too, by the abbot's order; and his reputationwas in the mud, and mine was in the sky again. Yes, a man cankeep his trademark current in such a country, but he can't sitaround and do it; he has got to be on deck and attending to businessright along.