A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Part 5.

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XXV

  A COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION

  When the king traveled for change of air, or made a progress, orvisited a distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the costof his keep, part of the administration moved with him. It wasa fashion of the time. The Commission charged with the examinationof candidates for posts in the army came with the king to theValley, whereas they could have transacted their business justas well at home. And although this expedition was strictly aholiday excursion for the king, he kept some of his businessfunctions going just the same. He touched for the evil, as usual;he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried cases, for he washimself Chief Justice of the King's Bench.

  He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humanejudge, and he clearly did his honest best and fairest,--accordingto his lights. That is a large reservation. His lights--I meanhis rearing--often colored his decisions. Whenever there was adispute between a noble or gentleman and a person of lower degree,the king's leanings and sympathies were for the former class always,whether he suspected it or not. It was impossible that this shouldbe otherwise. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder'smoral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and aprivileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholdersunder another name. This has a harsh sound, and yet should notbe offensive to any--even to the noble himself--unless the factitself be an offense: for the statement simply formulates a fact.The repulsive feature of slavery is the _thing_, not its name. Oneneeds but to hear an aristocrat speak of the classes that are belowhim to recognize--and in but indifferently modified measure--the very air and tone of the actual slaveholder; and behind theseare the slaveholder's spirit, the slaveholder's blunted feeling.They are the result of the same cause in both cases: the possessor'sold and inbred custom of regarding himself as a superior being.The king's judgments wrought frequent injustices, but it was merelythe fault of his training, his natural and unalterable sympathies.He was as unfitted for a judgeship as would be the average motherfor the position of milk-distributor to starving children infamine-time; her own children would fare a shade better than the rest.

  One very curious case came before the king. A young girl, anorphan, who had a considerable estate, married a fine young fellowwho had nothing. The girl's property was within a seigniory heldby the Church. The bishop of the diocese, an arrogant scion ofthe great nobility, claimed the girl's estate on the ground thatshe had married privately, and thus had cheated the Church outof one of its rights as lord of the seigniory--the one heretoforereferred to as le droit du seigneur. The penalty of refusal oravoidance was confiscation. The girl's defense was, that thelordship of the seigniory was vested in the bishop, and theparticular right here involved was not transferable, but must beexercised by the lord himself or stand vacated; and that an olderlaw, of the Church itself, strictly barred the bishop from exercisingit. It was a very odd case, indeed.

  It reminded me of something I had read in my youth about theingenious way in which the aldermen of London raised the moneythat built the Mansion House. A person who had not taken theSacrament according to the Anglican rite could not stand as acandidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters were ineligible;they could not run if asked, they could not serve if elected.The aldermen, who without any question were Yankees in disguise,hit upon this neat device: they passed a by-law imposing a fineof L400 upon any one who should refuse to be a candidate forsheriff, and a fine of L600 upon any person who, after beingelected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went to work andelected a lot of Dissenters, one after another, and kept it upuntil they had collected L15,000 in fines; and there stands thestately Mansion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizenin mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankeesslipped into London and played games of the sort that has giventheir race a unique and shady reputation among all truly goodand holy peoples that be in the earth.

  The girl's case seemed strong to me; the bishop's case was justas strong. I did not see how the king was going to get out ofthis hole. But he got out. I append his decision:

  "Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being even achild's affair for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyednotice, as in duty bound, to her feudal lord and proper masterand protector the bishop, she had suffered no loss, for the saidbishop could have got a dispensation making him, for temporaryconveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and thuswould she have kept all she had. Whereas, failing in her firstduty, she hath by that failure failed in all; for whoso, clingingto a rope, severeth it above his hands, must fall; it being nodefense to claim that the rest of the rope is sound, neither anydeliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman'scase is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the court thatshe forfeit to the said lord bishop all her goods, even to thelast farthing that she doth possess, and be thereto mulcted inthe costs. Next!"

  Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three monthsold. Poor young creatures! They had lived these three monthslapped to the lips in worldly comforts. These clothes and trinketsthey were wearing were as fine and dainty as the shrewdest stretchof the sumptuary laws allowed to people of their degree; and inthese pretty clothes, she crying on his shoulder, and he tryingto comfort her with hopeful words set to the music of despair,they went from the judgment seat out into the world homeless,bedless, breadless; why, the very beggars by the roadsides werenot so poor as they.

  Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory tothe Church and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men writemany fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, butthe fact remains that where every man in a State has a vote, brutallaws are impossible. Arthur's people were of course poor materialfor a republic, because they had been debased so long by monarchy;and yet even they would have been intelligent enough to make shortwork of that law which the king had just been administering if ithad been submitted to their full and free vote. There is a phrasewhich has grown so common in the world's mouth that it has cometo seem to have sense and meaning--the sense and meaning impliedwhen it is used; that is the phrase which refers to this or that orthe other nation as possibly being "capable of self-government";and the implied sense of it is, that there has been a nationsomewhere, some time or other which _wasn't_ capable of it--wasn't asable to govern itself as some self-appointed specialists were orwould be to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in allages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nation,and from the mass of the nation only--not from its privilegedclasses; and so, no matter what the nation's intellectual gradewas; whether high or low, the bulk of its ability was in the longranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it never saw the daythat it had not the material in abundance whereby to govern itself.Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even the bestgoverned and most free and most enlightened monarchy is stillbehind the best condition attainable by its people; and that thesame is true of kindred governments of lower grades, all the waydown to the lowest.

  King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyondmy calculations. I had not supposed he would move in the matterwhile I was away; and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determiningthe merits of officers; I had only remarked that it would be wiseto submit every candidate to a sharp and searching examination;and privately I meant to put together a list of military qualificationsthat nobody could answer to but my West Pointers. That oughtto have been attended to before I left; for the king was so takenwith the idea of a standing army that he couldn't wait but mustget about it at once, and get up as good a scheme of examinationas he could invent out of his own head.

  I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how muchmore admirable was the one which I should display to the ExaminingBoard. I intimated this, gently, to the king, and it fired hiscuriosity. When the Board was assembled, I followed him in; andbehind us came the candidates. One of these candidates was a brightyoung West Pointer of m
ine, and with him were a couple of myWest Point professors.

  When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh.The head of it was the officer known to later centuries as NorroyKing-at-Arms! The two other members were chiefs of bureaus inhis department; and all three were priests, of course; all officialswho had to know how to read and write were priests.

  My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the headof the Board opened on him with official solemnity:

  "Name?"

  "Mal-ease."

  "Son of?"

  "Webster."

  "Webster--Webster. H'm--I--my memory faileth to recall thename. Condition?"

  "Weaver."

  "Weaver!--God keep us!"

  The king was staggered, from his summit to his foundations; oneclerk fainted, and the others came near it. The chairman pulledhimself together, and said indignantly:

  "It is sufficient. Get you hence."

  But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might beexamined. The king was willing, but the Board, who were allwell-born folk, implored the king to spare them the indignity ofexamining the weaver's son. I knew they didn't know enough toexamine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs and the kingturned the duty over to my professors. I had had a blackboardprepared, and it was put up now, and the circus began. It wasbeautiful to hear the lad lay out the science of war, and wallowin details of battle and siege, of supply, transportation, miningand countermining, grand tactics, big strategy and little strategy,signal service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about siegeguns, field guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musketpractice, revolver practice--and not a solitary word of it allcould these catfish make head or tail of, you understand--and itwas handsome to see him chalk off mathematical nightmares on theblackboard that would stump the angels themselves, and do it likenothing, too--all about eclipses, and comets, and solstices, andconstellations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and dinner time,and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing above the clouds orunder them that you could harry or bullyrag an enemy with and makehim wish he hadn't come--and when the boy made his military saluteand stood aside at last, I was proud enough to hug him, and allthose other people were so dazed they looked partly petrified,partly drunk, and wholly caught out and snowed under. I judgedthat the cake was ours, and by a large majority.

  Education is a great thing. This was the same youth who had cometo West Point so ignorant that when I asked him, "If a generalofficer should have a horse shot under him on the field of battle,what ought he to do?" answered up naively and said:

  "Get up and brush himself."

  One of the young nobles was called up now. I thought I wouldquestion him a little myself. I said:

  "Can your lordship read?"

  His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:

  "Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood that--"

  "Answer the question!"

  He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer "No."

  "Can you write?"

  He wanted to resent this, too, but I said:

  "You will confine yourself to the questions, and make no comments.You are not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothingof the sort will be permitted. Can you write?"

  "No."

  "Do you know the multiplication table?"

  "I wit not what ye refer to."

  "How much is 9 times 6?"

  "It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergencyrequiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred,and so, not having no need to know this thing, I abide barrenof the knowledge."

  "If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel,in exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence and a dog worth a penny,and C kill the dog before delivery, because bitten by the same,who mistook him for D, what sum is still due to A from B, andwhich party pays for the dog, C or D, and who gets the money?If A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim consequential damagesin the form of additional money to represent the possible profitwhich might have inured from the dog, and classifiable as earnedincrement, that is to say, usufruct?"

  "Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, whomoveth in mysterious ways his wonders to perform, have I neverheard the fellow to this question for confusion of the mind andcongestion of the ducts of thought. Wherefore I beseech you letthe dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godlessnames work out their several salvations from their piteous andwonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed theirtrouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I shouldbut damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myselfto see the desolation wrought."

  "What do you know of the laws of attraction and gravitation?"

  "If there be such, mayhap his grace the king did promulgate themwhilst that I lay sick about the beginning of the year and therebyfailed to hear his proclamation."

  "What do you know of the science of optics?"

  "I know of governors of places, and seneschals of castles, andsheriffs of counties, and many like small offices and titles ofhonor, but him you call the Science of Optics I have not heardof before; peradventure it is a new dignity."

  "Yes, in this country."

  Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an officialposition, of any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the earmarksof a typewriter copyist, if you leave out the disposition tocontribute uninvited emendations of your grammar and punctuation.It was unaccountable that he didn't attempt a little help of thatsort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for the job. But thatdidn't prove that he hadn't material in him for the disposition,it only proved that he wasn't a typewriter copyist yet. Afternagging him a little more, I let the professors loose on him andthey turned him inside out, on the line of scientific war, andfound him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about the warfareof the time--bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights inthe tournament ring, and such things--but otherwise he was emptyand useless. Then we took the other young noble in hand, and hewas the first one's twin, for ignorance and incapacity. I deliveredthem into the hands of the chairman of the Board with the comfortableconsciousness that their cake was dough. They were examined inthe previous order of precedence.

  "Name, so please you?"

  "Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."

  "Grandfather?"

  "Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash."

  "Great-grandfather?"

  "The same name and title."

  "Great-great-grandfather?"

  "We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it hadreached so far back."

  "It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleththe requirements of the rule."

  "Fulfills what rule?" I asked.

  "The rule requiring four generations of nobility or else thecandidate is not eligible."

  "A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he canprove four generations of noble descent?"

  "Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissionedwithout that qualification."

  "Oh, come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such aqualification as that?"

  "What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it dothgo far to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself."

  "As how?"

  "For that she hath established the self-same rule regardingsaints. By her law none may be canonized until he hath lain deadfour generations."

  "I see, I see--it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the onecase a man lies dead-alive four generations--mummified in ignoranceand sloth--and that qualifies him to command live people, and taketheir weal and woe into his impotent hands; and in the other case,a man lies bedded with death and worms four generations, and thatqualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does the king'sgrace approve of this strange law?"

  The king said:

  "Why, truly I see naught about
it that is strange. All places ofhonor and of profit do belong, by natural right, to them that beof noble blood, and so these dignities in the army are theirproperty and would be so without this or any rule. The rule isbut to mark a limit. Its purpose is to keep out too recent blood,which would bring into contempt these offices, and men of loftylineage would turn their backs and scorn to take them. I wereto blame an I permitted this calamity. _You_ can permit it an youare minded so to do, for you have the delegated authority, butthat the king should do it were a most strange madness and notcomprehensible to any."

  "I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's College."

  The chairman resumed as follows:

  "By what illustrious achievement for the honor of the Throne andState did the founder of your great line lift himself to thesacred dignity of the British nobility?"

  "He built a brewery."

  "Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirementsand qualifications for military command, and doth hold his caseopen for decision after due examination of his competitor."

  The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generationsof nobility himself. So there was a tie in military qualificationsthat far.

  He stood aside a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further:

  "Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?"

  "She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble;she was gracious and pure and charitable, of a blameless life andcharacter, insomuch that in these regards was she peer of thebest lady in the land."

  "That will do. Stand down." He called up the competing lordlingagain, and asked: "What was the rank and condition of thegreat-grandmother who conferred British nobility upon yourgreat house?"

  "She was a king's leman and did climb to that splendid eminenceby her own unholpen merit from the sewer where she was born."

  "Ah, this, indeed, is true nobility, this is the right and perfectintermixture. The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not incontempt; it is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs moreworthy of the splendor of an origin like to thine."

  I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promisedmyself an easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome!

  I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed cadet in theface. I told him to go home and be patient, this wasn't the end.

  I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition.I said it was quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities,and he couldn't have done a wiser thing. It would also be a goodidea to add five hundred officers to it; in fact, add as manyofficers as there were nobles and relatives of nobles in thecountry, even if there should finally be five times as many officersas privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the enviedregiment, the King's Own regiment, and entitled to fight on itsown hook and in its own way, and go whither it would and comewhen it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly swell and independent.This would make that regiment the heart's desire of all thenobility, and they would all be satisfied and happy. Then wewould make up the rest of the standing army out of commonplacematerials, and officer it with nobodies, as was proper--nobodiesselected on a basis of mere efficiency--and we would make thisregiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom fromrestraint, and force it to do all the work and persistent hammering,to the end that whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to gooff for a change and rummage around amongst ogres and have a goodtime, it could go without uneasiness, knowing that matters were insafe hands behind it, and business going to be continued at theold stand, same as usual. The king was charmed with the idea.

  When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thoughtI saw my way out of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. Yousee, the royalties of the Pendragon stock were a long-lived raceand very fruitful. Whenever a child was born to any of these--and it was pretty often--there was wild joy in the nation's mouth,and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The joy was questionable,but the grief was honest. Because the event meant another callfor a Royal Grant. Long was the list of these royalties, andthey were a heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the treasuryand a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not believe thislatter fact, and he would not listen to any of my various projectsfor substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If Icould have persuaded him to now and then provide a support forone of these outlying scions from his own pocket, I could havemade a grand to-do over it, and it would have had a good effectwith the nation; but no, he wouldn't hear of such a thing. He hadsomething like a religious passion for royal grant; he seemed tolook upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not irritatehim in any way so quickly and so surely as by an attack upon thatvenerable institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint that therewas not another respectable family in England that would humbleitself to hold out the hat--however, that is as far as I ever got;he always cut me short there, and peremptorily, too.

  But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crackregiment out of officers alone--not a single private. Half of itshould consist of nobles, who should fill all the places up toMajor-General, and serve gratis and pay their own expenses; andthey would be glad to do this when they should learn that the restof the regiment would consist exclusively of princes of the blood.These princes of the blood should range in rank from Lieutenant-Generalup to Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped andfed by the state. Moreover--and this was the master stroke--it should be decreed that these princely grandees should be alwaysaddressed by a stunningly gaudy and awe-compelling title (whichI would presently invent), and they and they only in all Englandshould be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood shouldhave free choice; join that regiment, get that great title, andrenounce the royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatesttouch of all: unborn but imminent princes of the blood could be_born_ into the regiment, and start fair, with good wages and apermanent situation, upon due notice from the parents.

  All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existinggrants would be relinquished; that the newly born would alwaysjoin was equally certain. Within sixty days that quaint andbizarre anomaly, the Royal Grant, would cease to be a living fact,and take its place among the curiosities of the past.