V.

by Emily N. Kay

  “You’re not making sense, Dad. Stop it. Please, stop it…” Before Little Me could stop it, tears started falling.

  Something shifted in Dad’s face—his lips curled into a deep frown, and the way he looked at me made my skin crawl. I was frozen in place. He made me feel as if I did something so wrong, so shameful to him. My tears dried up instantly.

  Dad started to sneer. “Are. You. Fucking. Crying. Right now?” he said very slowly.

  I swallowed and shook my face.

  Everything that happened next went by so fast I almost thought I was imagining it. A force so strong it knocked my face to the side, to the ground. My ears buzzed. My entire body had gone numb… So numb. I could’ve convinced myself that I was dreaming if it wasn’t for the jolt of pain that flashed across my left cheek.

  Dad just hit me… My own dad…

  The next thing I heard was the sound of Mum screaming. The next thing I remembered was Mum shoving Dad, then Dad smacking Mum across the face, and everything was too much and my throat hurt. I was screaming. Because that’s the only thing I could do.

  That was the last time Dad ever laid a hand on her. On both of us.

  It’s the worst feeling—having to hear Mum tell Aunt Mary everything. Because as it turned out, although it was the first time for me, it wasn’t for her. Dad had been awful to her, and I had no idea. I didn’t do anything to stop it.

  Fortunately for us, Aunt Mary was a lawyer. Though she lived in Brisbane, she pulled some strings and had arranged for one of her good friends in social services to get me and Mum out of the house right away before sorting out all the documents needed to file for a divorce… and also for an arrest warrant. I thought it was for domestic violence, but it turned out to be more. Dad was involved in fraudulent activities, and Mum was the one who handed him over to the police. It was hard for me to admit how useless I was, how weak…

  Because while I was going to school, boasting to Dad about being on top of the class, and playing video games with him, Mum was gathering evidence against my dad—to protect us both.

  It took months until everything was settled, and Dad was in prison.

  That’s when I realised I wanted to be just like Aunt Mary. I wanted to put bad guys in jail. Especially guys like him. I never wanted to feel worthless ever again.

  Mum asked me to put everything behind us. To start anew. So we did. We moved to Brisbane to live with Aunt Mary.

  It was hard—pretending like everything is okay, like we didn’t just go through what we did. Mum did a good job of concealing it, but not good enough… Because every time she looks at me, she still sees the horror of it all… She sees him in me. I remind her of the worst time of her life, and I can’t do anything about it. And every time, I have to tell myself it’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything. Not a thing.

  **********

  Today is a good day. It’s V’s first day of work, which means she won’t be hanging out with those obnoxious people. Finally. A day without them. A day where V’s just… my V.

  She’s agitated because this is her first job ever. So she wants me to tag along with her. Just for this first day, she said. Good thing I don’t have a shift at Frank’s shop today.

  We’re on our way to this smoothie place in South Bank. It’s a super early Sunday morning, so the bus is practically ours.

  V talks a lot, especially when she’s nervous. She talks mostly about her trip to the Gold Coast, but also about how Stacey keeps telling her how hot I am, how sexy. And as I listen on, I realise that it gets to the point where I feel objectified.

  I frown. “And you’re not weirded out by this at all?” I ask.

  V looks at me funny. “I mean… a little? But aren’t you at least flattered?”

  “No. Your friend is a kid sexualising an older guy. What’s flattering about that?”

  V opens her mouth, incredulous. “Oh my God, Josh… You’re not that much older than us, you know! We’re not kids.” She playfully shoves me.

  I chuckle bitterly. “Yeah, right.”

  After we arrive at the stop, we walk straight to the shop, along the southern bank of Brisbane River. The morning wind breezes over our faces, the sun warming our skin, morning people jogging and cycling by us. The lively energy around us is palpable.

  As soon as we get to the place called Berry Bliss, the girl in a bright-pink apron who is lifting the Smoothie of the Day sign to the front door waves at V with a bright smile.

  “Hey, new girl is here,” she shouts to the girl back at the shop.

  The younger looking girl looks up from behind the counter and greets V. Gosh, they all look the same—skinny, tanned, long straight hair. I hate to put V in the same category as these girls, but it’s the truth. I look at V and at the two girls, and that’s when I notice everyone is wearing white tee and jeans. Before I lose my mind, I realise it’s just the uniform. I’m not crazy.

  V doesn’t look back as she seems to make a quick acquaintance with the girl at the counter, probably bonding over their love for chia seeds, I suppose.

  The shop apparently isn’t opened until nine, and V is being trained right now, so all I can do is sit inside at one of the tables and wait. Although Berry Bliss is the last place I want to spend my morning at, I wouldn’t complain as this is the closest I could get to V while she is working. Besides, the weather is perfect today.

  “Are you the boyfriend?” The first girl I saw appears in front of me. I realise she could be about my age.

  It’s excruciating how much I want to tell her, Yes, I’m Violet’s boyfriend. “I’m her brother,” I say.

  She pauses a little awkwardly, but then she flashes a smile, almost like she is relieved. “Oh, cool! I’m Sammie, by the way.”

  I manage a tiny smile back. “Josh.”

  “Well, Josh… We’re not open yet,” she says, looking at her watch, “but if you want, you can take a look at the menu and… choose whatever you want. It’s on the house.”

  I look at her quizzically. “Really?”

  She quickly adds, “Think of it as a perk for being a good brother to one of our staff.” Sammie laughs. “My own brother would never come with me to my first day of work, let alone walk with me in public.”

  “Well, I love her,” I say with a blank face, then regret it instantly. Did I really say that to a girl I just met?

  But Sammie just goes, “Awww.” She puts her hand on her chest, her bottom lip sticking out. “That’s very sweet, Josh. I’ll look after her, don’t you worry. Now, choose something!” She hands me the menu.

  “Um…” I squint my eyes at the menu, and I’m overwhelmed with all the words written in pink. “Just get me anything, seriously. I wouldn’t know the difference.”

  Sammie laughs. “Got it.”

  When she’s gone, I sit back and just observe the place. It’s a very open-air kind of shop. Only two small tables are set inside the shop, opposite of the counter. The rest of the tables are outside, with a bunch of pink umbrellas among them. Behind the counter, V is now standing as she watches the other girl demonstrates how to work the blender. She catches my eyes and grins. My heart flutters and I smile back.

  Not long after, Sammie comes back with a purple-coloured smoothie in her hand. She smiles brightly at me. “Our signature açaí smoothie, with a lil’ booster just for you,” she announces proudly as she puts it in front of me.

  “Thanks. Um… what’s a booster?” I ask, confused.

  Sammie chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’m not drugging you. It’s just extra L-carnitine.”

  I am not going to pretend I understand why someone would need that thing in a smoothie. So I just smile. “Thanks.”

  But Sammie is still standing there, looking at me in anticipation.

  “Oh,” I say as I realise she is waiting for me to try the thing. So I do, and I have to admit, it’s not bad at all. “This… is honestly better than I expected.”

  “You’re welcome,” Sammie says with a grin. She shifts between he
r feet, her mouth opening and closing as if she wants to say something. “Um…”

  I raise my eyebrows at her.

  She blinks, looks away, and blurts out, “I’ll check on your sister.” She awkwardly rushes off.

  That was weird…

  I spend my time watching V moving around behind the counter. After a while, two hours maybe, people start coming in non-stop, and Sammie comes out from the back door, now without her apron. She lowers herself in the chair across from me, a nervous smile on her face.

  “So, Josh…” she starts. “I just finished my shift and I’m just wondering if—”

  I can’t hear anything else from her mouth when I see the guy with shaggy blond hair walking in, with that smug smirk on his stupid face.

  Fucking Kyle Rogers.

  “—Josh?” Sammie waves her hands around my face. She follows my gaze, sees Kyle, then turns back to me. “You know him?”

  What the fuck is he doing here? It’s not like V asked him to be here! She asked me!

  Or maybe she did ask him…

  Kyle doesn’t even acknowledge my presence as he walks straight to the counter. V brightens up instantly as she sees him. “I thought you’re busy!” I hear her say.

  So… she asked me to come with her because Kyle is busy? Am I her second fucking choice? My face heats up and my heart clenches.

  “Oh… So that’s the real boyfriend,” Sammie remarks.

  And upon hearing that, I almost lose it. “He’s not her boyfriend,” I snap, a little too loudly.

  Sammie widens her eyes at me. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

  I take a deep breath and force myself to look at Sammie again, ignoring the white spots in my vision. “What did you say again? Sorry, I didn’t hear you very well.”

  Sammie just stares at me, seemingly still upset. “I was just asking if you’d like to—” She pauses, exhales, and then shakes her head. “Never mind,” she says in a clipped tone. “Have a nice day, Josh.” And then she’s gone.

  Before I can even process what’s happening, Kyle fucking Rogers drops himself into the same chair that Sammie just sat on.

  “Yo.” Kyle smirked.

  I fix my gaze on him, saying nothing back.

  Kyle suddenly huffs out a breath. “Okay, what’s your problem with me, man? I don’t know what I ever did to you to make you hate me so much! Look, I don’t wanna say anything or make it a big deal for V’s sake, but—”

  “I’m leaving,” I say through my teeth before I get up and stride away, not looking back.

  Today is a fucking nightmare.

  Just when I thought I would at least get one day with V to myself, Kyle just had to show his stupid face and ruined everything!

  I throw myself on the bed as soon as I get to my room. It’s almost twelve now, and I’m starving. All I had all day was that small glass of some berry smoothie Sammie made.

  Speaking of Sammie… What was she trying to say to me anyway? I try to think back to her reaction—why she seemed upset with me, but all I can think about right now is V.

  Her morning shift should be over soon. Would she even ask for me when Kyle’s there to keep her company? Do I completely vanish in her mind as soon as Kyle showed up? Do I really mean that little to her?

  I check my phone, hoping to find at least one missed call, or text, or anything that’s a sign V still cares about me… that she’s wondering when and why I left. But there’s nothing.

  The only notification I get, though, is a new email in my inbox. The email from University of Sydney.

  I hold my breath as I stare at the email, waiting for the feeling of anxiousness, of something, of whatever it is I should be feeling right now to hit. But it doesn’t… I still feel nothing. I should feel something. My stomach should be churning right now, nervous of what’s written inside. But I feel absolutely nothing…

  Let’s just get this over with.

  And without wasting another second, I click. Then I release the breath I was holding.

  I got it…

  The scholarship. I finally got it.

  I should be over the moon by now. I should be so fucking thrilled. It’s all I’ve always wanted… isn’t it? To get this scholarship so that I can go to Sydney and study law just like I’ve always planned.

  Just then, the feeling finally hits. And it’s not the thrill or the jittery feeling in your stomach you get when you’re super stoked about something. Instead, I only feel the panic growing inside me, slowly clawing its way out. Because it only occurs to me just now that this—this would mean that I have to leave V. And she’d be left alone… with Kyle Rogers. If take take this scholarship, I will have to leave home in two months.

  By the time I finish law school, V will forget me by then… And that mere thought is just too cruel for me to even comprehend.

  I think of how enthusiastic V gets whenever the mention of me getting the scholarship comes up. It’s as if she wants me gone, a thought flashes. And I feel my breath coming out more rapidly by the second. No, no no no. This isn’t true. This. Is. Not. True.

  And with everything that’s been going on, I find myself in V’s bedroom, inhaling the soft smell of her. That alone… calms me down a little.

  I open her closet, then pull out a drawer, and pull out some random sweater from it. She wouldn’t know it’s gone since it’s the summer.

  I go back to my room and curl up in my bed, V’s sweater balled up and pressed against my cheek. Imagining that she’s lying there with me, I wait… for my breathing to slow, and for the tightening in my chest to subside.

  Chapter 7

  Josh

  The night I tried to end my life… was also the night I found my reason to live.

  For as long as I could remember, I thought everyone was as miserable as I was. I thought people simply live their days just to pass time, just trying to get by—at least that’s how I’ve always felt. But no… People actually live because they are living. I’ve seen it in my classmates—the joy on their faces when they’re running around in the gym during P.E., the pride in Clark Turner’s face when he won Best Painting in art class, how Ryan Bently’s face would turn red the instant Emily Sorley showed up in class.

  Now I know better. It’s just me who feels nothing. It’s just me who feels numb from the inside out.

  I am depressed. That’s what I am. How else would I explain what I am, if not depressed? Though I wouldn’t know… I’ve never been to a shrink or anything like that. Mum didn’t seem to think that there’s anything wrong with me. And I’ve never asked for help. Not from mum. Not from anyone.

  But no matter how much I’ve read on the internet, how many articles, how many recounts from those suffering from the disease, I still don’t know how this thing works. Some days I would wake up feeling hopeful; some days I just want to give it all up. Some days it would feel like I can go on with my life—at least lift my mouth and put on a smile; some days, though… I would feel like there’s no point… to the point of wanting to disappear—just so that I won’t have to feel the feeling of not feeling any more. If that even makes any sense.

  And I want to blame him. For all of it. Because if it’s not for him—if it’s not for that one blow—I would be normal… Right?

  But the truth is… maybe I’ve always been this way. Sad, apathetic, miserable…

  When did that start anyway? Was it before or after that dreadful day? Honestly, I don’t remember. Either way, I’m a damaged good. Even though my dad is now behind bars and even though Mum remarried to the most decent guy I’ve ever met. Even then… I still feel a piece of myself missing.

  Not to mention, there is this constant fear. That someday… Frank will snap. I mean, he may already have… and I’m oblivious. Just like how I was with Dad. Who is to say there is nothing going on behind closed doors. Mum is good at pretending everything is all right. Which is why she’s stayed married with Dad for so long. And I can’t help but think that it was all for my sake, which doesn’t make me fee
l any less guilty.

  Sometimes when it’s just me and my mum—just the two of us—I would get the feeling that she can’t bear to look at me straight in the face. Maybe it’s because I remind her too much of her tragic past—of all the things that cannot be undone. I remind her of him.

  I had no idea what came over me that night. There was no trigger or anything like that. No warning. There’s nothing tipping me over the edge.

  None of it made any sense. But maybe it didn’t have to.

  It was just a typical day. I went to school, I came back home, we had dinner, I went back to my room and finished all my homework. Then my stupid mind started to wander. What’s the point of homework anyway? What’s the point of school? What’s the point of life?

  Before I knew it, the thought of having to wake up, get dressed, and go to school became unbearable. All this mundanity was excruciating. The mere thought of having to go on made me want to die.

  Maybe the world is better without me in it, a voice sounded in my head. For a split second, Mum’s face flashed up, halting me from whatever I was about to do. But then another voice was saying how she will be fine.

  She has a new family now. She has Frank and Violet. She’s better off without me.

  And then… the next thing I know, I was frantically looking for something. Anything. I was hoping to find some sleeping pills in his bathroom cabinet—because that seemed to be the way to go in movies. But I couldn’t find any. Instead, I found something even better… Something sharp. A shaving razor. Single-blade. Perfect.

  I never thought to hurt myself intentionally before. Why would I? Why would anyone? But the idea of pressing that sharp edge to my wrist ironically made me feel alive. Will I feel pain? Will I start to actually feel something…?

  I grazed the blade lightly on my wrist, testing it first, not wanting to cut too deep—because I was a coward. It didn’t hurt… Not the way I’d expected. Then, it felt as if there’s an unseen force—an invisible hand or something—pushing the edge deeper into my skin. I watched as my blood started gushing out in horror. And before I could even reach the level of pain I was hoping for, I heard Violet’s voice.